It’s great to have the Footy back, is it not? Over-analyzing Matchday One is a fool’s game, but hey, I am guilty as charged.
- The King’s Afrikan Water Pistols may just “have the balance right” now. They looked dangerous, and comfortable on the ball. And – very new for them – settled at the back. Top of the Table might be a bit more interesting than projected.
- Lost in the 2-2 draw salvaged by Mighty Whitey? They actually came out ahead of the Shite in expected goals (xG), 1.3 to 1.24 (at least per The Athletic). That is, not a fluke result, as much as the sportsball meeeee-djia wanted to crown the Cunt Buckets after winning the Community Shield (a glorified exhibition, mind).
- Overall, the newly promoteds held their own. 1-1-1, however you like ordering it. Bournemouth looked pretty good, and Villa looked like where they left off from last season’s late fade. Most surprising aspect is the Cherries’ clean sheet, that came out of nowhere. Supposedly, they only have three senior CBs, and one barely even played in the C-ship.
- Robins Hood? Not great, Bob! Even without the expected vanity signings, Barcodes took care of business. Still could be an eventful window for them late.
- Apparently the Wolves manager and Leeds’ Ted Lasso had a bit of a kerfuffle, I will need to read up on that tomorrow. But I need naptime today.
- Everton played about as well as could be hoped, under the circumstances. Chelski time wasted the entire 2nd half, which I certainly did not expect (and especially not at nil-1). Ben Godfrey looked to break his ankle, which would be a major hit. Poor fucking guy.
- Spurs beat the monkeyshit out of Saints, despite gifting an early goal to the visitors. Does this say more good about Spurs, or bad about Sham Town? Answer is probably “yes.”
- Three solid matches tomorrow morning, please do give a watch while you read of yeah right’s culinary brilliance.
What y’all gots going on?
Joining team bidet! Just ordered a Toto Washlet C5
Just read up on this. It has warm air drying, which seems like a good feature to have in the chill of winter for that warm anus feeling. No one likes a cold anus, unless they had lunch at BWW, because it burns!
People forget, but every turbo is a supercharger, but no supercharger is a turbo.
I tell this to people in the supermarket all the time
SAFETY DUNCE IN VANCOUVER
Every footy and instant Hippo thoughts should have a hyperlink to the appropriate Hippo to English dictionary volume.
Or a small Hippo translator window in the lower right corner. I’d make that avitar a hawt chick with sensational shoulders to remain in theme.
I’ll provide a little service here and translate this post.
“Footy” = soccer
“Matchday One” = First day of a full schedule of matches. Like the first Sunday of football.
“The King’s Afrikan Water Pistols” = Arsenal Gunners. Cecil Rhodes favoUrite side.
“Top of the Table” = Table is the ladder, aka the standings. Top of it means in first place
“draw” = Tie. Kissing your sister, things of that nature.
“Mighty Whitey” = Fulham F.C. (“F.C” = Futbol Club, aka soccer team)
“Shite” = Liverpool, more popularly Red Shite, and sometimes referred to as the Pool Boys “(xG)” = Nerd stat which means nothing in aggregate
“The Athletic” = Paid sport news site that Hippo will copy and paste when needed.
“sportsball” = Geek term for jock stuff.
“meeeee-djia” = Mitrovic
“Cunt Buckets” = Still the Pool Boys
“Community Shield” = As Hippo stated, a glorified exhibition
“the newly promoteds held their own” – The 2nd tier teams (see C-ship) that were promoted to the EPL. (This year that would be Nottingham Forest, Fulham, and Bournemouth)
“1-1-1” = 1 win, 1 tie, I loss, respectively. This is how to properly read a futbol table from left to right. Unlike the NHL which does win, loss, then tie.
“Cherries” = The aforementioned recently promoted Bournemouth. Their actual nickname.
“clean sheet” – Allowed no goals
“CBs” = Not corner back, Center back, of which there are 3: LCB (left), RCB (right), and CB (um, yeah, no need to be repetitive). Tactics may dictate a different number of CBs.
“C-ship” = Championship League. 2nd level of English footy. EPL relegations go here.
“Robins Hood” = The aforementioned recently promoted Nottingham Forest. They don’t actually rob the rich.
“Not great, Bob!” = Hippo predicting Robins Hood will be relegated to the C-ship this year.
“Barcodes” = Saudi funded Newcastle United team. Named for their black and white striped jerseys. Also know as the “refs” for same jersey reasons.
“Wolves” = Wolverhampton team. Also a black hole of my betting.
“Leeds” = Leeds United team. (These are getting very obvious folks)
“Ted Lasso” = Apple+ saviour.
“kerfuffle” = Dust-up or fight. Hippo will let us know tomorrow.
“But I need naptime today” – Hippo had his fair share of pills.
“Everton” – Most disappointing EPL team destined to be in the C-ship next year.
“Chelski” – Chelsea, waster of the greatest US footy player of all time. (Pulisic if you’re not paying attention)
“nil” – English for zero in footy. Also called “love” in tennis.
“Ben Godfrey” – Ded Toffee. He has an ankle per Al Michaels.
“Toffee” – Nickname for disappointing Everton, where the make this delicious delicacy.
“Spurs” – Nickname for Tottenham. Actual name is Hotspurs. Immortalized on the Trainspotting soundtrack by Born Slippy.
“Saints” = Southampton team. Note that the “h” in the name belongs to “ampton”, not “Sout”. Also, the departure site of the Titanic. RIP DiCaprio.
“Sham Town” = Southampton again.
“Yeah right’s culinary brilliance” = Sunday Gravy. Arriving soon!
“What y’all gots going on?” = Apparently not much!
Doin the Lord’s work. You’re the best Ayo I know.
/ Furiously taking notes
I’m not gonna lie, I copied and pasted this bitch into my notes app!
Thank you sir!
Peacock can eat all the cock. A streaming service I pay for feeds me ads during shows and defaults to audio narration, where they literally describe what’s being shown on the screen.
How many blind subscribers do they have and how did they find the service?
You know what-I did start the (bon) fire and I don’t care who knows about it.
pictures plz (crop out the corpses)
One of my favourite Mr. Show skits-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICXdA0sFAkc&ab_channel=RobertSimpson
It’s 9:30 on Saturday night and a client is asking me about prices regarding Ontario produce that I’m picking up tomorrow morning at 6am. Are You Fucking Kidding Me???
“20 cents an ounce for boisenberries!? Cmon Scotchy, I’ve known you for how many years, you came as a guest to my daughters wedding…”
“Man, I sure could go for some boys ‘n berries…” – Brad Childress, with a dreamy look on his face
Somewhere in Northern Ontario, a drifter’s throat becomes very slit.
“Lettuce discuss this later.”
They probably sell their vegetables in cartons out there
This show the Dr. Mrs. is watching (Good Trouble) has cast members with the names Booboo Stewart and Sherry Cola. I should alert Danger Guerrero.
The company I work for are sponsors for this. Beer and soccer!
https://abc30.com/amp/visalia-soccer-league-craft-beer-brewery-1852/12100217/
Took my daughter back to school shopping (school starts Wednesday). We stopped for a quick lunch at BWW. Both of us have been to the bathroom multiple times since. Maybe the habanero wings and a burger covered in Buffalo sauce and jalapeños was a bad idea?
That poor septic tank will have a 1000-yard stare by Monday morning.
If I die through my sphincter, at least my death will not go unnoticed nor unmocked by the TMZs of the world.
Does anyone here have experience with public speaking? Have you ever been asked to address a large gathering, like 500 people in a banquet hall, and they introduce you and everyone applauds and you stand at the dais and prepare to give the speech but instead you take a shit in your pants and it’s uncontrollable and it’s a large mixture of solids and liquids and a lot of froth and bubbles and everybody knows it happened because it sounds like a 50cc Evinrude 2-stroke outboard motor with a flooded carburetor and then it just suddenly stops and you’re just standing there at the dais looking at 500 members of the Rotary Club in total silence except for the squishing sounds under your shoes as you shift your weight? Has this ever happened to you and what did you do? I really need to know quick. I’m leaning towards just giving the speech as if nothing happened.
I mean, if Beavis and Butthead taught me anything, it’s to blame “other kids…or something, heh heh.”
Hah. It’s better than leading with a joke.
I think that’s the best option. Just look off to the side and ask someone to close the door so you don’t hear all that boat traffic. .
I mean, you never know whether a joke will offend someone, but everybody poops!
Give the speech. And stare everyone straight in the eyes until they blink while doing so.
This is the way.
That’s in El Segundo!
https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/browns-kareem-hunt-sits-out-of-team-drills-for-second-straight-practice-as-he-looks-for-contract-extension/
Wouldn’t be the first K.Hunt to hold out for a better deal.
[feels regret] – Melania Trump
Wrexham won their season opener, 2-1. Newly signed Elliot Lee scored both and really looked good doing it.
Mac get everybody nice and oiled up?
Speaking of Mac, I’d ignore the bulge too.
Man, I wish I could get a gal that hard smgdh
So very good:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTJ3LIA5LmA
…Saul Goodman’s gone a bit too far this time.
Just as good-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhVbLJvYP8s&ab_channel=LaserTime
“If you wanted to talk about pet care you should have called in two weeks ago when our show about racism was airing.”
/I have no words…
Incredible 😂🤣
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvDLW6EV3B4
why do toaster ovens suck so much? Seems like they take longer to heat/cook than regular oven, and they don’t even have a chance to explode up my house by leaking gas.
Sounds like you just have a shitty toaster oven
Indeed. I like my toaster oven. Reheating pizza is its main function and justly earns it the counter space. 375 for about 9 minutes and that pie will burn your mouth top just like it was freshly baked.
The nice man down at the Sears&Roebuck assured me I was getting the top of the line model…
Shoulda went with the one from Consumers Distributing
That might be the issue. Mine is cheap as they get. The whole thing is a hot surface and I burn myself almost every time.
I use the air fryer for that. Easy peasy.
I’d get one of those but then I’d have to get rid of my cornballer to make space
They make combo air fryer/toaster ovens now
Yeah it’s basically just a toaster oven that has a convection setting. We have one. It’s nice.
Ah, then I did well to just buy a toaster oven with a convection setting instead of the full combo
I bought one too, but for some reason I never think to use it.
Was it a Soviet bread line?
I have a Westinghouse S5W S3G Core 2 toaster oven, which can cook an entire frozen chicken in about five seconds. It’s a real time saver.
Good gravy. I’m getting small oven envy over here. I’ve got a bargain buy President’s Choice store brand oven that has literally caught on fire half a dozen times.
Which President chose it?
I’ve been high when seeing that image so many times that I just had a flashback.
I expound on this more tomorrow but I’m not sure I’m supposed to be eating like a teenager anymore.
I tried a cheesesteak today and it was not what my body was crying out for.
And I just finished eating.
The immediate digestive future looks grim.
I did grab a twelver of Becks and that is doing a proper job.
Feeling a little German tonight?
delightful apertif