Welcome back people.
As we near the completion of another season of Sunday Gravy I’ve started to notice that I’ve hit my annual “Finish line is close and my ass is dragging” moment that inevitably hits me right around August.
I blame the NFL for most of this since they’re just teasing the fuck out of us with real actual news and pretend-like games featuring uniforms that we recognize.
I ended up watching a bit more of the Hall of Fame game than I usually do. Guess I had been abandoned out in the desert longer than I thought.
Then again, I’ll shoulder some of the blame too. It’s a long ass time between the “Owl” and the start of the next NFL season and I can actually feel the creative part of the brain firing off an occasional short circuit radio burst every now and then.
As mentioned before, I will indeed continue cooking throughout the majority of the NFL season, it’s just that I’ll be back to the very familiar gameday staple foods that are required during an NFL season.
The inspiration for our menu today was simple. I had a couple of dough balls in the freezer, technically it was dough for naan, but as referenced previously those very same doughballs can be used to make a kickass tortilla.
Tortillas? Brain immediately thinks slow roasted, Mexican style, savory meat dish.
You know what that means! Carnitas!
We’ve got a guest in the kitchen today, DJ TAJ is joining us for the festivities. He began his part of the menu a day before since he prefers his menu addition to have at least a 24 hour flavor mingling period prior to serving.
Take it away!
PICO DE GALLO ALA DJ TAJ!
“This, like other recipes, is easy to do and even easier to screw up. Hope you’re good with a knife.
This is a tomato dish, one more time in case you’re high, you need good tomatoes.
Ready to do a little math? If you need to smoke a blunt feel free, I’ll wait here until you’re ready for me. Cool, so now we can continue.
If you use your thinking toque you’ll do 60% tomato and 40% onion, No, I don’t like that, I want some more God Damn onions!
2 NICE tomatoes, diced and de-seeded like a pro.
Cool Eddie Van Halen’s wife tip, slice a 1/4 inch off the tomatoes very top, cut out the core and then use your thumbs to stick down in the seed pockets and just pull your thumbs up and out come all the (do it over a sink silly pants) seeds, thanks for a lifetime of love Val, miss you forever Ed.
1/2 of one large onion (Oh hell I don’t care, brown, white, sweet yellow, shit man surprise me) finally diced.
If you look close here you will observe the tomatoes are more “cubed”
The onions are clearly diced much smaller and yes I am closer to 55% tomato and 45% onion, good eye. That’s the way I like it and I’m after all writing this drivel.
Now comes the scary part, for you see you will be handling a chili pepper and if you’re not smart you will dance in hell with my mom.
When handling any pepper there will be oils when you cut them so you WILL get said oils on your hands. Here try a trick, after slicing the Jalapenos wipe your eyes, noses or better yet go take a wee wee and touch your tired little soldier. Count to ten and then grab a washcloth to bite on. Sorry ladies I don’t know if it works for you also but you could insert a digit and let us all know for sure, and thanks for your dedication to science.
1 fresh Jalapeno pepper de-seeded and vein removed, diced very fine
Now comes an ingredient that I loath. You see every smarmy asshat who thinks they can cook put this shit on everything. They put it in their coffee for Christ’s sake, they even put it on “The little children’s ice cream!” Thank you Stanley Kubrick.
Yes I am talking about Cilantro and it smells a bit like barf.
One head of “Shitty” Cilantro with stems (look at the photo) removed the best you can and VERY finely diced.
Now you can use 2 cloves of garlic finely minced or you can cheat like I did this time. I used about 1/2 to 3/4 teaspoon (I eyeball it to cover the onions) of garlic SALT and 12-14 grinds of FRESH ground black pepper. If you use the fresh garlic I’ll be needing a good pinch of kosher salt. Now you see that little sum bitch lime? Go on grab it up. Squeeze entire lime in but if using an orange only half of an orange or as needed.
I used lime this time because I was shopping (yum, pork rinds and pecan pie) drunk, most times I use half a nice fresh orange or better yet (specially in summer) a nice fat tangerine, please no seeds. Stir it all together and let SIT FOR 24 HOURS at the very least, (stirring every 5 or 6 hours) two days is better yet. You will see the tomatoes and onions become translucent.
If you didn’t screw anything up it should look a little something like this.
Now you can put this on anything, Fish? Yes! Chicken burrito? Hell Yes. Your spouses tainted undies?
Well use discretion occasionally.”
Now back to your regularly scheduled food dude.
Since that pico has finished its two day rest we’ll get down with the rest of the powwow.
Procure some pig.
Look at the price! Holy fuck! It’s the yellow sticker on the bottom and yes, that’s for approximately 3 1/2 pounds of beautiful pork shoulder. Six dollars and 89 cents. I’ll take that shit anytime they want to offer it.
Let’s make with the carnitas action.
Cube it up!
I left these in slightly bigger chunks than normal. Sometimes the blade bone will fuck with you and it will run down the entire length of the shoulder basically forcing you to use bigger chunks.
This was one of those times.
Grab your pot or Dutch oven and get to work.
Add the pig to the pot along with some chicken stock, the standard 32 oz carton will be just right. Next a 12 oz beer, onion, garlic, salt, pepper, cumin, chile powder and an orange that’s been cut into wedges.
These will cook on a very low simmer for at least 3 hours. If you cook on the stove top you will have the luxury of being able to season as you go.
Of course we need the obligatory pot of beans.
That would be half a pound of dried, picked and rinsed pinto beans, a medium onion, 4 or so cloves of minced garlic, salt pepper and a couple of chile de arbol pods. Along with the pork this will simmer on low for 2 1/2 to 3 hours. Always remembering to cook some bacon and add in the bacon grease right at the end for bacon fat flavor!
After the pork has finished reaching the whole fall-apart, melted fat, delicious porky stage break it up in small chunks and we will put it under the broiler for just long enough to get some crispy action going.
Get it under the broiler for just a few minutes to crisp up.
Now for the tortillas.
Heat up the skillet.
[sigh]
That previous shit I mentioned about the homemade tortilla thing from the frozen dough?
Well fuck.
It did not come even CLOSE to working today and I’m still puzzled as to why. I HAVE done this before and it was awesome and this shit today was pretty goddamn far from awesome. The dough was way too sticky and no matter how much additional flour I used to revive it, the shit did not work right.
You know what? I have some of those fucked up kitchen days myself.
It’s true.
Despite decades of experience sometimes the shit just happens. Back in the 70’s we called it “low bio-rhythms” like the bunch of hippy new-age dipshits that we most definitely were.
We push on anyway dammit. Break out the store bought tortillas.
It was around this time when I realized that I may have permanently broken my old carnivore mind.
I couldn’t even finish this plate.
I was really worried that being a Monday through Friday vegetarian for these last many months may have mega fucked my carnivore-ness forever. The pork was cooked like it always is but I just didn’t get that endorphine rush of pure piggy satisfaction that I used to.
That scared the shit out of me.
I tried some the next day and it was good but… It wasn’t awesome.
Upon additional reflection I decided to blame the temperature in the kitchen for the affliction. I thought it was a cop out though. Like telling the wife “NO NO NO! My dick isn’t broken! It’s just too goddamn hot in here! Yeah! That’s the ticket!”
I really did break out in a serious sweat at the end of the cooking session though. I had the oven cranked with the broiler going to crisp the carnitas. The cast iron was still throwing off serious fucking caloric action after the failed tortilla shit and it was hot and humid outside. Sweat was pouring off of me.
Not the optimum time to sit down to a plate of hot food.
See! My dick is indeed not broken!
I’ll get it back! I promise! You’ll see! Next week I will be throwing down some meaty meat goodness and I’ll eat it like the goddamn human savage that I’ve always been!
I swear to god!
Freaked my ass out there for a bit but I’ll be fine.
Goddammit when do we have football starting already? I’m ready like a motherfucker up in here!
Thanks as always for stopping by folks. We’ll get through this. Holy shit the season is right there.
Come back next week and we’ll get this train a-rollin’ for these last few weeks of season 8.
I look forward to it.
Be well everyone and stay cool out there!
PEACE!
Getting my new Latitude computer all set up.
Microsoft Edge takes rejection about as well as Ben Roethlisberger.
“I’ll show you an edge.” – Ray Lewis, stabbing you
Please, don’t make fun of Ben while he’s still grieving Choco Tacos.
Carnitas is delicious, but the idea of eating it in a sweltering hot kitchen does not appeal, so you may be one to something with that theory. I had a no-cook lunch of watermelon and fresh mozzarella drizzled with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, scooped up with some foccacia and accompanied by a glass of Zinfandel. Delicious and cooling!
Spicy food actually works pretty well for hot climates, as the spice kicks all your body’s cooling mechanisms into high gear without actually heating you up. It’s a glorious trick!
I don’t know, I think Cliff Claven may have been on to something. Going from vague memory here:
Diane: I can never understand how you men can sit around and drink cold beer on a cold day like this.
Cliff: Well, you see Diane, it’s about equalizing the internal and external body temperature. Same reason that the British would drink hot tea in the middle of summer in India.
Diane: But then why do you also drink cold beer on a hot day?
Cliff (looks confused, then shrugs): What else you gonna do with it?
One of the all-time classic scenes from Cheers.
There’s a crucial interval from Diane’s questions to Cliff’s explanation
Diane: (asks question as cited by Dunstan)
Norm: $5 Cliff will have an answer, $10 it’ll be a doozy.
Diane: Cliff?
Cliff: Well, in the days of the British Raj…
Norm: Told you. That’s $10.
The best thing about the Inflation Reduction Act passing (yes, it passed the Senate!) is that telling Americans that we’re spending money to control climate change means the Rothschilds can turn off the machines that have been pumping heat into the atmosphere and things will finally start to cool off, hopefully in time for Thanksgiving.
Comments like this are why George Soros sends you a check every month.
Expanding on why The Canada has higher prices: Transportation. It almost always comes down to the cost of fuel. Commodity prices of pork, beef and poultry rise and fall of course but so does the price of diesel. The price of a case of celery from California was $48. Once the Ontario crop (that was transported by farmers 1-2 hours away) was ready it was available at $16.
Given that, why doesn’t the Canadian gouvernment spend on infrastructure? I presume some handy rail lines along certain corridors would help a lot.
Too busy saving the world.
They do skimp on infrastructure though. One long, sometimes pathetically neglected, highway going across the country and some rail lines doing the same. I guess since 90% of the people live right near the southern border they figure that’s good enough.
There’s considerable North-South corridors though. Those people need support.
I don’t know if I’d say considerable. There’s a good highway between Edmonton and Calgary. Comparing the highways going north to the coquihalla or the freeways in southern Ontario is a vast difference.
Mind you I don’t go north. I’ve never been further than Edmonton. Never past 100 mike house in BC.
I’m thinking more along Scotchy hobo-killin’ territory. Ontario by itself has a lot of towns running north south instead of east west. I’d guess the other provinces have at least one or two strings of towns running north south.
Yep, I think you’re right. Ontario probably does have more. Quebec too I’d think. BC is pretty concentrated in the south.
Considering the population up there I guess the infrastructure is actually pretty good. The internet says 90% is within 100 miles of the border.
I spent two weeks driving the Alaska Highway from Anchorage to Vancouver. That’s good killing’ country.
Yeah the fuel thing kills us. 35-50 cents per litre in government theft adds up. Imports are one thing but even local or somewhat has to be shipped and Canada Has a lot of room between towns. Probably the most regressive tax you could imagine.
‘government theft’? Oh My.
What else would you call taking money from you without your consent under threat of kidnapping and imprisonment?
Intense Paranoia?
I’d only be paranoid if I didn’t pay them. Keep all your money to yourself and armed men might show up at your door and toss you in a cage.
Armed men might show up at your door and toss you in a cage sounds like a Balls search term. Or maybe it’s you doing you. Whatever.
Ooh, I will search for that. Maybe throw in a “stepmom”.
“stuck on a couch”
Here in the U.S. we call those “taxes”.
$6.89? That’s an obscenely good deal. That would be $20 here, assuming my math and conversions are correct. Hot damn.
$20 Canadian, that is, so about $16 with the exchange. Still a hot damn.
I did your French bread last weekend and made it into garlic bread. It was good eats.
I suppose we’re pretty spoiled down here. Chicken breasts are $0.97 per pound at Vons now. I think you can probably still find some kind of pork products at Ralph’s for $1.99 per pound. I don’t think sirloin is ever gonna see the happy side of $4.99/lb ever again, though.
Ridiculous. That’s $1.25/lb Canadian dollars and chicken breast is $4.99/lb here.
The Canadian dairy cartel keeps prices high but there’s no good reason for beef, chicken, and pork to be that much more. We’re getting screwed up here.
Probably the goddamned carbon taxes. I hope the rest of the world appreciates our efforts when Canada’s share of global doom emissions drop from 2% to 1.9%
“The Canadian Dairy Cartel”
-I laughed out loud-thanks for that
You’re welcome. And it’s all too painfully true. So Ontarians buy milk in plastic sacks and foreign cheese is priced like it’s wrapped in gold.
Filthy central Canadian farmers getting fat on the working man’s milk money
And you’re talking $4.99/lb for sirloin? Try $55/lb in greenbacks.
Fuck it, I’ll take Trump if I can host a bbq for under $400
Hmm. I did that backwards. $27/lb USD
Just so you’re aware-that’s not the ‘real’ price on the commodity market. Not even remotely close. The head office of these corporate chains force individual store owners to sell various items below cost, saying that it “drives traffic” to their stores and that they’ll make up the loss on all the other items that the shopper will purchase while in the store.
Nowhere is that more apparent than at Costco where you can get a whole roast chicken for $4.99. It’s pretty sweet to live close enough that we can casually pop in to buy *one* thing.
/though we rarely do that anymore thanks to the pandemic
(also our “one thing” trips would often include tasting all the available samples, back in the before-time)
Loss leaders they’re called, yeah? But here the loss leader is cola not delicious meats.
Yes, yes, we’re all familiar with the New York Jets…
Well done. That’s good. Interesting chicken is half the price of pig. Here pork is cheaper than chicken. Significantly.
I mean it varies from week to week, but it’s rare that two weeks will go by that somebody doesn’t have chicken of some type (usually legs) on sale for $0.99/pound.
Pork is rarely that cheap, and at those times only in large quantities.
I guess maybe the $0.99 days are behind us, too. Here’s Super A’s flier; that’s usually where I get my chicken.
https://www.superafoods.com/current-ad/
Good grief. $3 for pickles and $7 fig Tide? I’d be swimming in extra cash with those deals.
This is what I’m working with. They put prices in pounds or kg in the flyer and then have the other one on the package in store. I’ve seen some very confused American tourists.
https://hylazfs01.blob.core.windows.net/images/Flyer/IGA_Weekly_Flyer.pdf
It varies from month to month. It depends on what arrangement a supplier has made with head office.
You people buy things? That’s interesting. I have a staff that does all that stuff for me, I have no idea how it works or what anything costs, I have an accounting team that does all that. I just sit at the table or in bed and I ring a bell and they bring everything to me. I have another staff that watches them so they don’t poison me, and another staff that watches the watching staff so that they don’t get any funny ideas. A third staff watches those guys, and then I have a closed-circuit security system where I can watch everybody, including the grounds staff, the motor pool, and the perimeter defense teams. I mostly just sleep though.
I really hope this is true.
Thank you. It’s a quality recipe. Would have made some today but it’s too damn hot.
That’s a big downside to bread making in summer but it really tied the meal together.
Current state of the 2022 Cincinnati Reds:
Opinion: It’s Necessary – Ballpark continues to be a construction zone (cincinnati.com)
Yankees are on their way to letting Toronto catch them for the AL East, and if that’s what it takes to get Boone fired I am for it.
Jeez, that’s the difference between a Big Market Team and a Small Market Team. But I guess you have a point with his Post-Season Record.
When you have NYY’s history and payroll, the goal is to be handed a trophy at the end of the year, or at the very least, watch someone be handed a trophy.
“When you have NYY’s history and payroll”
Tell that to Hal Steinbrenner. People who hate the Yankees are in for a banner few years, because that guy is the epitome of a what happens when a successful business is handed over to the second generation, which then looks as that business not as something that they created and which needs to be successful, but only as a means to provide income.
Also Boone is a godawful in-game manager, but in return for $3 million a year he never criticizes the front office or the players, and just gives the media bullshit platitudes. Which quite frankly I would also be willing to do for $3 million a year.
The Yankees only shell out 3 mil for their manager? That’s a shock. NHL coaches make more than that.
South Korean women golfers porn should be a thing or is my search engine just not trying hard(heh) enough?
(peeks hole into Rule 34 cellar)
Actually, this is a niche that seems to be well represented.
“Hey honey, is…oh. Never mind.” – some guy realizing that reflexively asking his Korean wife about all things Korean might not be a good idea
But in all seriousness, there is very little hardcore South Korean pornography (professional, at any rate). They prefer softer porn.
You mean like it’s all done on Care Bear pillows?
(looks at Rule 34 Door – South Korean Female Golfer – Care Bare sub-sub-culture)
“Forget it! I already have Anonymous and the FBI monitoring my browser habits.”
Eh, might as well go for it, I’m sure they’re curious too.
I enthusiastically agree
Thoughts on today’s Man United game:
Before the season started, I figured we’re at best a 5th to 6th place team, but an injury bug away from finishing 10th-12th.
This game highlights everything that’s wrong with United: They can’t score, can’t defend, has suspect goaltending and has no depth. Aside from that, they’re doing ok!
When you have no midfield, you have no anything. And Fred and McTominay together are just horrible.
I’m pretty sure I mentioned that last year; United can’t have McFred in the starting XI because they’re not good enough and teams will figure them out, which they did. Now teams full blown penetrate through the mid every game.
Haaland just said he was “a bit shit” on live TV. So, so great.
He only scored two, so yeah. [rolls eyes]
Now Zouma knows how his cat felt.
Haaland reminds me of Zlatan or Romelu in that no defender can knock him out of the space where he wants to be. And he’s only going to get better.
Imagine when his upper body fills out a bit!
-Jerry Sandusky, scouting pee wee football practice
This is like watching an anaconda slowly smother and ingest its dinner.
You ain’t kidding
Stop. You’re making me turgid. Well, more turgid.
A rash of Manc babies named “Erling” is incoming, I’d bet. Maybe even a few named Erlinga.
Manc Fan #1: “What country is he from?”
Manc Fan #2: “Are ya fookin’ daft? He comes from Holland! Christ!”
$6.89 for 3 1/2 lbs of pork! Woooooooo! 🎶I like big butts and I cannot lie🎵
I’m confusted by the “shoulder” and “butt” in the lable. Unless its one of Hippo’s “shoulders” then all has been revealed.
So, fun pork fact: pork “butt” comes from the shoulder, it is so named because it was transported in wooden barrels called “butts” (or “Boston butts”). The actual butt of a pig is a ham.
/Andy Reid wishes to subscribe to my newsletter
That’s why we gather here. To learn. Well that and try to make pork T&A jokes…
shit, he probably ate his laptop just reading that
What could you possibly teach Andy Reid about pork products that he doesn’t already know?
Hey, those phone sex operators aren’t saying anything that I haven’t heard before, but I still…
shit, I’ve said too much.
The West Ham keeper needs to teach the Charges how to tackle
Christ a-mighty, the THIGHS on Antonio.
“CHEATER!”
-Shoulders everywhere, probably
So is it Hulu that I now have to convince* my wife to get in order to watch footy up here in The Canada?
*kidding-I’ll just buy it when her back is turned
Just remember, you will never, ever, be able to cancel it. You will pay and pay and pay in perpetuity! I’m pretty sure Gumby has 4 or 5 different Amazon Prime accounts. He gets mad and cancels them…so he thinks!
I’ve done this-reported my credit card stolen and gotten a new one. Companies will absolutely hound you (looking at you, DAZN) but eventually they give up.
Hey! Scamacca is up! I thought he and Cornet weren’t playing till next week at Forest.
Jeebus, City of Men with 84% possession. It’s soccer/footy not Keep Away.
This has 3-0 written all over it. Haaland is a goddamn wrecking ball.
NippleKeeper on now, too.
He’s the breast…err best keeper in the league!
The Broom pushes it wide.
Watching the West Ham vs Man City game as it it just me or is that pitch narrow?
Christ Almighty I’m going to have to breakdown and get Peacock, aren’t I?
Well, time to get completely disassembled by Pep’s murder squad. *sigh*
I hear you, man. This the part of the year where I have to bust out the “too easy” or “too hard” topics for Request Line.
The August thing is true too because it’s hot out there and inspiration is limited. I’m counting down on my fingers.
Hang on, you chippy fuckers.
Jerb. DONE.
Rattled keeper is rattled.
Hell man… us kitchen pro’s… we ALWAYS carry a pack of store brought, high quality, tortillas handy… just in case. Carry mine in a slap down holster right here on the hip… low slung… chicks dig it.
I think your body does get used to eating foods that are not meat. A few weeks ago, I had a steak after not having eaten one in a very long time and got the shits.
Face it, buddy, you’re a healthy eater now. Embrace it.
That and as we age our systems are much more sensative to even slight changes. I do miss the ’20’s me that could simply power through just about any menu.
Drink and debauch all night, sleep for 45 minutes, and get up and go to work.
Get up and go to PT formation. I do miss my sub 6 minute mile days… now long gone. But its a good thing I stopped drinkin, dat chit was gettin outta hand. Still have just as much, probably more now cuz I can remember it all, fun out at night. Nobody cares that its just a lemon soda.
This is why the Good Dog gave us weed!
West Ham’s Craig Dawson is funny as hell on twitter. https://twitter.com/craigdawson15_/status/1550242136720904200?s=21&t=U37oqxBL10B_BxqId_5y7w
Absolutely delightful! Looks like it might already be time for ten Hag to start auditioning for his next role as Pep Guardiola’s body double!
Nice view!
Trashbirds are a right pain in the arse.
Two “take out the trash” style football points, pew pew!!
Brighton has NEVAR won at Old Trafford. But they lead, and are good value for it. Men Untied look wretched.
(I was NINE the last time they managed a Draw there)
I feel certain Wakey Reacted Reasonably at that Bruno sitter.