Greetings, lizard people. I originally panicked last night and wrote a Jets preview post, but TSHU did his write-up this morning, so if you haven’t, read that. I’ll spare the “ramble about the Jets even though at this point I don’t actually get to watch” and go with the nickname highlights, because ever since Rex Ryan collectively slapped our asses and complimented our hustle, that’s all we really care about:
“The season was looking up for a brief moment at no-longer-Hofstra.”
“Well… until Mekhi Becton, now moved from LT to RT, so already a slight damnation that that ain’t Falco, I mean D’Brickashaw Ferguson, got hurt.”
“Everyone’s favorite ELITE backup, Ice Milk Joe at the helm until Zach “Dan Smith” “The BYU Cougar Hunter” Wilson gets back. Or Mike “Flight” White “From the Free Throw Line.””
It did also mean I had to rewrite this cold open on the E train on my way to work. Which is fine, considering I think I could have lightly jogged between Forest Hills and Roosevelt Ave in less time than the train took to make that trip. That’s one express stop, incidentally—I’m not even on the local, which would be somewhere between Hell and praying for the sweet release of death, for those keeping score at home. So sorry even for the shortness but hey, I hit the much sought after word count floor and besides, the good stuff has been puns and jokes for the games going on tonight. Speaking of… what’s for sportsin’?
Sandlot
4:00 games are probably finishing up, and also going on now:
Twinks vs. Their Personal Daddy Doms (MIN-NYY, Game 2)
Narco vs. Buccos (NYM-PIT)
Which NY team will lose their division lead and Wild Card bye first? Crazily enough, possibly not the one that’s been cratering for the last two months! (Yanks enter today +4.5 on TB; Mets are tied with ATL though I imagine they hold the H2H tiebreaker.)
This evening’s games:
Senor’s Hatred vs. Disrespect (BOS-TB) (Go… hatred?) (7:05)
Commies vs. Cubbies (CIN-CHC) (7:40)
Nat-e-nals (they were the first team eliminated from playoff contention last night) vs. Jordan: ”I took that personally.” (WSH-STL) (7:45)
Greg Abbott’s Abortion Bounty Bowl (TEX-HOU) (8:10)
Rivers of Fire vs. Fountains of not-Rome (CLE-KC) (8:10)
Snakes vs. Ringworms (ARI-SD) (8:45)
Kansas City Chiefs Memorial Cup (U.S. Open Cup FINAL, only notable for one thing)
Orlando City SC (MLS) vs. Sacramento Republic FC (USL) (7:00)
Hey, it’s Sacramento’s first chance at a championship in a long time, so knowing that they’ll be playing with about 8 men by the 50th minute. At the latest.
AEW, 8:00 (TBS)
BattleBots Champions, 10:00 (TBS) (Probably the Witch Doctor bracket we’ll discuss tomorrow morning and I will write at midnight local time.)
Guess what’s tomorrow? That’s right, the Golden Bolt Championship!
Also, you know, a big chunk of the reason why we’re here.
Sam Spence and Tom Hedden have done more for the NFL than any composers or songwriters have done for any other sport. John Tesh is a fairly distant second. Whoever wrote the MLB on Fox theme is third.
And hey, aren’t you glad I didn’t go to the Les Mis this time?
WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYBODY?
We’re all resting for tomorrow’s kickoff.
Bring your A game!
HERE DRILL SERGEANT!!!!
Funny that you have SpongeBob in the banner photo since (inexplicably) that show uses classic NFL films music quite liberally.
Tomorrow is day 3 of young Fronkenpooper’s preschool adventure. I will tell you something from deep in my heart, my internet friends: the first days of leaving your frightened child in an unfamiliar place is absolutely one of the most difficult experiences of parenthood. Knowing that they must feel abandoned and betrayed by you, if only for a few minutes, is fucking gut wrenching stuff. I go through it again in nine hours. Wish me luck. I love the hell out of this little shit bird. 🤓
Soooooo cute! And the little one is too!
He got his Mom’s beautiful face. I look like a pile of chopped meat. 🤓 (thank you)
We call a pile of chopped meat a Texas Ten
THIS GUY CARLOS ALCARAZ, I CALL HIM JESUS CHRIST, BECAUSE HE JUST GAVE SINNER A SECOND CHANCE
Here’s the weird animal of the day. Meet the Lowland Streaked Tenrec
Wow! A technicolor cactus rat!
Technicolor Cactus Rat was the name of my Strawberry Alarm Clock tribute band!
They have quills! It’s a weird little fucker, isn’t it! There’s a Highland one too, but he’s not bright yellow like this guy.
I just read on the wiki how they stomp those big feet to bring earthworms to the surface and NOW I NEED TO SEE THAT!! When does Dok Zymm go to Madagascar, goddammit?
They apparently also vibrate their quills at a high frequency that their fellow tenrecs can hear, like some insects do. They’re the only mammals that can do that. Very weird! But the idea of them squeaking and stomping is hilarious!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zL25D7keFT0
Watching Zombies 2 with Girlzilla. It’s somehow painfully predictable, but not train wreck bad to even enjoy. Currently out of alcohol. Send help.
Wouldn’t you rather we send booze?
You should remind her there is Zombies 3.
Fun fact: My roommate from college is at the doubleheader, like three rows behind Jomboy, though the latter is in the fancy as fuck seats as opposed to the regular fancy seats.
There has been no luck pitching Talkin’ BattleBots with a certain intrepid weasel, so yes, I do have to write the Beat post-gig.
Iga just brought sexy back!
Look at that “A.”
Such a dirty dirty WHORE
“Look at that A. It’s clearly asking for it”
–Matt Arazia–
LGA was, is, and never will be sexy, what do you mean?
I just want to remind everyone that ¡El Assico! is this week, and has potential to be the Assiest Assico in a very long time.
https://www.reddit.com/r/CFB/comments/x5tb9a/happy_el_assico_week_its_been_2913_since_iowa/
I was expecting Brazilian soccer. And this to be from Balls.
No shit. That’s the whitest El since my Aunt Eleanor, and she’s been dead for years.
She had a big ole assico too! Three axe handles, at least.
This reads like something an old-timey gold prospector would say.
I contain multitudes.
Like a FUCKING LADY
Untappd tells me today is National Beer Day. What the fuck, Horatio, you had one job!
/looks in fridge
Nevermind, thank you, Horatio for this beer you sent me a while ago that I shall drink when I finally get home.
/Blackout Brett Kavanaugh just got a micro-boner in his micro-wang
PEGULA: [breaks serve]
SWIATEK: