TGIF! So long November. And DEAD Mannschaft, and Uruguay, and Eye-Ran, and Mexico, and America’s Hat. You’re next Oranje. We’re on to December and the Hard Knock Out Life. Hope your personal LDB challenge is still alive. Mine is because I’m sick and can’t get out of my own house. On the plus side I’m mainlining DayQuil and NyQuil. All the amphetamines! Enough chit chat, let’s get to surviving!

Survival – Personal Edition

Now that it’s December, the time to work is OVER. But you still have to spend your time in the office and look productive. The easiest way to pass that time? Meetings! Everyone gets to waste time and nothing gets accomplished. For you, though, you get all the accolades because you’re hosting that meeting and doing a presentation. Good job you go getter! Now, of course, you’re not going to put any effort into this, instead you’re just going to fake your way through it.

• Make no mistake here. You’re an actor playing a part everyone expects and offering nothing. That’s fine! Think back to when you were last attending a meeting someone else was presenting. Did you give an actual shit what was said or covered? Of course not! You’re just trying to stay awake while squirreling away the day. Just like everyone looking at you now while you’re presenting. They don’t give a shit, and you shouldn’t either.
• But, appearances matter! So there is some acting involved. Start with focusing on enunciation and talking slowly. This will give an extra gravitas to your presentation. Pretend you’re explaining the (poorly researched) subject to children. That’ll make them think there’s more to the topic that you understand that they don’t yet grasp. In your manager’s case, that’s absolutely true.
• Project positive body language. Stand up straight. Smile. Laugh. Gesticulate forcibly to your slides and key team members where appropriate. This will make you look authoritative and knowledgable about the topic.
• Dok knows this best. Make up the numbers! Whatever your subject, invent, boost, or deflate the stats in your favor. Make sure to include a lot of numbers when doing so and don’t put them in the slideshow. That way no way can keep track and fact check you on them. Also have a spare piece of paper handy to glance at while citing these figures to give even more credibility to your lies.
• For the final part, just ask broad questions to waste time. Make no mistake, these spineless, worthless co-workers of yours have an outsized ego and can’t wait to hear their own voice for an extended period. Use questions like “What should we expect?”, “What are the risks?”, “What are the rewards?”. Make sure to have a whiteboard available and spend an exorbitant amount of time writing out the responses, and including their name. That’ll encourage everyone to contribute and take up more of the meeting time.
• At some point, some asshat is going to assert themselves and start challenging you with questions. Do not engage! Instead, deflect! Answer along the lines of “Great question. Thank you. I’ll have to look into that further.” or “That’s not really pertinent to this discussion, but we can circle back on that later”, or just insult them with “We already understand that aspect and don’t need to waste everyone’s time here rehashing it.”
• You’ve now reached the end of the meeting time. Wrap it up with a simple “We’re out of time. Thank you for attending.” Then quickly exit the room and hide in your office with the door closed. You did remember to schedule a 30 minute appointment on your calendar right afterwards?

Alright, there you go. Do that once a week this month and your boss will think you’re real management material. And you might be because you’re doing absolutely nothing while keeping everyone busy at work. Promotion, bonus, and pay raise is in your future! Congrats!

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Survival – Species Edition

Time to put the sexy in Friday!

Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to what’s most important: Commenting and drinking!