Instant Hippo Thoughts – Lucky Week 13, 2022 Season

I mean, not lucky if you are a Donks supporter.  JEEBUS.

The saddest part of the early slate?  That is as well as Denver is capable of playing, and they lost 10-9 at the death – to Lamar!s backup.  Supposedly not a season-ender, but it was a knee owie…so wait and see.  For Denver, the ass poundings will continue.  No dinner before, no lube during.

A Divisional Draw is the Most Glorious of all footed ball outcomes.  And thanks to some back and forth cromulence, that’s what Sharky and family got LIVE in Jersey.  Vertically Enhanced Persons 20, Commies 20.  Brian Daboll has done a hell of a job, but he’s not great with tomeout usage.  Appreciated his decision to punt on 4th and 3 near midfield in Extra Time – dumb machismo normally triggers coaches into going for it and losing.  As it was, Gary Gnu had a 58-yard attempt at the gun to win it.  He just came up a little bit Doug Martin.

Bearistocrats! delayed, but not denied.  Brilliant early TD run by Strawberry Fields, and a 16-3 lead near halftime.  But lo, they gave up a 4th down TD catch to the shit-hot Christian Watson, and the momentum never shifted back (despite Green Bay remaining less-than-stellar on offense).  Chi**** would manage only a FG and a blocked FG the rest of the way (the latter being Karma for a cowardly playcall on 3rd and 5 near the Packers’ 20).  Watson scored his 2nd tally (much needed in fantasy) inside 2:00 on an end-around, and the two-pointer ended all prospects of a comeback drive.  28-19, I hate Q-aron being happy.  I guess he at least gets to have the shit beaten out of his old-ass body another few weeks.

Captain Dingleberry, playing at home IN A DOME, with Justin Jefferson healthy?  A pitiful 4.9 YPA against the Jets.  At one point, Greg the Leg cut the margin to 20-15, and I fantasized about a NYJ win on 7 FGs.  Instead, the teams would trade TDs, followed by two red zone turnovers on downs.  Mike White went for almost 4 bills, and fought to keep his side in it.  But the head-scratching Vikings hold on, 27-22.  They can’t feel good about how their offense looks, though.  It’s so weird.

Not as weird as Mr. Bad Touch against the 500s.  America was fully behind the imaginary team, and they spit the bit.  Not due to Watson whatsoever – #ThePauls’ D/ST produced 3 TDs.  The offense netted FOUR points (2 FG, surrendered a safety).  We finally got an offensive TD deep into garbage time, but way too little and way too late.  Believeland gets the slimy 27-14 win.  Fucking Texas, man.

How would DET react to losing their winning streak in a nailbiter against Buffalo?  By beating the absolute tar shit out of the Jaguras, naturally.  340 yards passing and a robust 8.3 YPA for Baby Buster.  Now that the Fuck LioUns have played out of Bryce Young range, perhaps they don’t go QB in the draft at all?  Two defensive studs might be all they need to be a playoff team, come 2023.  Prison Girfriend looked like he surely broke his leg late in Q2, but amazingly came back into the game.  But a 40-14 loss makes one wonder why they’d even bother?  We did at least get a brief C.J. Cregg sighting, which was kewl.

Clash of styles, with DonT’s Magnificent Tits heading to Philly.  The Iggles had looked vulnerable, especially on defense.  With emphasis on “had” – they unloaded on Tennessee, 35-10 Iggles in a walk.  Jalen Hurts looks to be your NFL MVP, by universal acclimation.

Many in the Clubhouse are heartened, as the Yinzers continue to crawl bleeding towards their magical .500 land.  I noticed almost nothing about this slog, but it ended with a 19-16 road win over Sherman’s Ashes (though, to be fair, at least half the crowd seemed to be Stillers folk).  You really could see a 7-10 NFC South champion this year.  BLECH.

Pour one out for Janeane, ankle owie and no high heels for a few months.  Maybe no FITBAW for at least a few weeks, it looked pretty damned bad.  But Brock Purdy Mouth looked WAY better than you’d expect from a Mister Irrelevant rookie/3rd string quartered back.  That Baby Shanny juju, I guess (he was also awesome with some eagle-eyed, crucial challenge flags).  Fuck’s sake, Purdy ended up having a better day than Tua – despite the latter throwing a 75-yard TD on his very first attempt.  Final two plays before the 2-minute warning?  A  Robbie Gould dagger FG (to go up 9), followed by a strip sack/fumble six.  33-17, Tomsulas keep rolling.

Clippers du Merde employed the unique strategy of NOT covering Davante Adams.  It did not work out for them, Cotton.  Herbert the Duck fought gamely, but that offense is broken.  That’s Rikki’s Raiders! win their 3rd on the spin, 27-20.  Josh Jacobs may have been a game-time decision (shout out, Ontario!) – but Vegas still rode him like a rented mule.

You expected WKRP/Chefs to be perhaps the Game of the Week, and it was indeed fairly compelling.  Cincy looked like it would provide an object lesson as to why you can’t leave the Andy Reid/Pat Mahomes combo platter just hanging around within striking distance. 14-3 lead became a 24-17 deficit – but they fought back.  Tough bunch of dudes.  Buttkicker missed from 53 (would have tied things at 27), and Burrow expertly ground the clock completely into dust.  That kid will get his Lombardi, sooner or later.  I’d bet on sooner.  27-24, Cincy.  Mirror score of the 2021 AFC title match.

You expected Truthers at RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! to be a wet bag of shit, and you would NOT be surprised (until a late trading of TDs).  SEA hold on for a 27-23 win, thwarting the saddest ever attempt at a 2-minute drill.  It’s the John Wolford show until Fatthew returns in 2023, so expect similar showings to follow.  FUN XMAS FACT – the middle fixture of Christmas Day’s NFL triple-header?  Donks at RRRRRRRRRAM IT!!  Be afraid, be very afraid.  YES, I will still watch.

Fat Humps get a full national game for the SECOND TIME IN SIX DAYS – fuck off, I don’t wanna watch this and y’all can’t make me.  I am certain that the N-GCp shall prevail.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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scotchnaut

South Korea’s missile program puts balls in the net, not the open sea.

/much like your mom, that was a screamer

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m glad they got that one, at least.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Pretty clear that Brazil has been instructed not to run up the score and invite angry reprisal tackles.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t use the word “hero” very often, but the kid’s mom who filmed this is the greatest hero in American history.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RkId07Gn_MU

Brick Meathook

Somebody take this kid to a whorehouse, stat!

Doktor Zymm

Those poor, poor, ursines. This was the week where we got to see the sad truth behind the normally entertaining tutu-clad bear on the unicycle. I hope Fields gets the hell out of there without dying and gets a hefty contract somewhere that is decent to QBs

Don T

Tie Part Two wooo!
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blaxabbath

It’s going down!

HS.png
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They booted Pats-Raiders to do it, too.

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t understand the traffic jam outside of the Charmin Bears bathroom: can’t they just shit in the woods?

blaxabbath

People who don’t know the shape of the Earth are open to questioning whether a bear shits in the woods.

Downfield Matriculator

Come for the football recap, stay for the futbol liveblog — PKs remain a shitty form of overtime.

Horatio Cornblower

I hate them, but unlike hockey I don’t think you can play soccer until someone scores. The games would be longer than cricket matches.

blaxabbath

One season of youth ball, our post-season games were decided by (Golden Goal):

1st OT: No goalies
2nd: 7 players per team
3rd: 5 players per team
4th and beyond: 3 players per team

I have no idea where that came from but we won the 3 on 3. Probably only worked because we were like 12. And didn’t dive at everything.

Downfield Matriculator

Fair enough, but then maybe a ten minute period with 8 on side (or 7 or 6)? Not a good enough follower to know what would be better, but this is like having an NBA overtime decided by free throws . . . gah

blaxabbath

NBA needs to incorporate the Rock N Jock scoring system with 10pt pods and like a 50 point basket on the ceiling or whatever.

Downfield Matriculator

Steph Curry would be the first player with a 400 point game!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How about this: two overtime periods. Cut the field in half, one team on offense, the other on defense. Any ball that goes over the boundary is put in by the attacking team (i.e. no time wasting). Reduce the number of players (possibly even making it lopsided). Whichever team scores more goals in their overtime period wins.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Variation: measure the time it takes the first team to score once. If the second team can score in less time, they win. If not, they lose.

SonOfSpam

First PK taker for Japan in 2026?

Smart money’s on Ohtani.

Horatio Cornblower

Ladies and Gentleman, your next President of Croatia is currently playing keeper.

Horatio Cornblower

75% save percentage on PKs is incredible.

Horatio Cornblower

I imagine there was a scouting report indicating the Japanese stay low, because by God they did, and it did not work.

Horatio Cornblower

SUDDEN (POSSIBLE) CHANGE!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Or, you know, not.

Brick Meathook

Hopefully we don’t don’t have to see any more of his shitty commercials

Horatio Cornblower

“That Japanese player really hurt his back taking that soccer ball to the back of the head at point blank range!”

-Independent NFL neurological consultant

Horatio Cornblower

Seems headed for PKs, which I hate.

Horatio Cornblower

Absolute rocket from Japan, but right at keeper

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Better to hit the keeper than to miss the net entirely. You never know where a deflection is going to end up.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ve been wanting the US to get that message for some time now.

You all may have noticed.

blaxabbath

– Lt Michael Byrd

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Just learned a new expression in español! “Te toca” which means “your turn”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Horatio Cornblower

Eh, it’s been done.

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Last edited 1 year ago by Horatio Cornblower
blaxabbath

Approves but suggests improvements….

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BeefReeferLives

If had happened to almost anyone else, I wouldn’t be posting this with schadenfreude in my heart. But it’s Putin, so let’s all point and laugh.

“Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly suffered a fall at his official Moscow residence this week, causing him to “involuntarily defecate,” *** reported quoting a Telegram channel with apparent links with his security team.”

https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/putin-slipped-on-stairs-at-home-led-to-involuntary-defecation-report-3577055

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[Types up a definition for “Russian Buttfumble” in urbandictionary]

blaxabbath

How does that leak?

Putin should execute* everyone who was in the residence that night.

*and poop his old man pants

Doktor Zymm

Now there is a living metaphor if I ever heard one!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That is as good of a header goal as you are ever going to see.

Horatio Cornblower
Last edited 1 year ago by Horatio Cornblower
Horatio Cornblower

I hope he does something stupid and gets himself caned.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Look at the famous Ugly Ronaldo Bust and tell me that’s not a portrait of a man getting bonesawed

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That attempted pass back to the keeper was the most obscene thing I’ve seen come out of Japan since…well…um…anyways, it was pretty obscene.

Don T

Now stand for the Croatia national anthem: “Catholics, Destroy!”

Don T

Japan wins 2-1

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I started a draft of an “Under One Roof” post back in Week 3 where Marvin and Ocho are brought in to resurrect the Bengals season, but I’m not sure it’s ever going to see the light of day with how much the Bengals have turned things around.

Dunstan

I feel like the ODB Recruiting Tour is ripe for some comedy.

Redshirt

Suddenly I feel good for UC not going for Deion Sanders:

AD: “Gentlemen, your new coach, Deion Sanders!”
(players cheer and applaud)
Coach Prime: “You’re all fired.”

Deion Sanders Meets With Colorado Players, Tells Them to Get Into Portal (msn.com)

blaxabbath

Coach Prime has any success and it’s the end of the PAC. CU will be gone the first chance they get.

blaxabbath

I watched the video and thought it was great. First, he’s representing the greater program. Second, he’s letting these kids know what is coming and is giving them the clear opportunity to act accordingly. Of what I saw, he was not disrespectful to the players present either.

I remember how “Josh Rosen is our guy” was the Cardinals calling right up until Murray was selected in the draft. That’s fine; pro contracts are held. College kids, I applaud that Sanders is letting these scrubs know what is coming for the CU program.

Don T

I only follow two teams, the Tits and URU. It’s been 2+ solid weeks of taking it on the god damn chin.
International fútbol and the NFL should never overlap. Jesucristo señor ¡carajo!

ballsofsteelandfury

Don’t know what to make of the Lions. I still can’t believe they’re going to the playoffs with that defense.

Plus, they’re the Lions.