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I was made in God’s image – fat, receding hairline, poor eyesight, Broncos fan. The poor eyesight has helped lessen the impact of this terrible Broncos season, but the rest of my….situation is as par-for-the-course American as a red Ford F-150, a check-cashing company, and medical debt. I went to college at the University of Missouri and managed to scam them out of a degree in English Composition back in 2013, and in the time since, I’ve written a lot of stuff that nobody’s ever read. I think I’m alright at delivering a readable, if half-baked, article and if you decide to keep reading I hope I can keep you entertained for a few paragraphs each week. For starters let’s address the bloated, rotting elephant in the room that is the 2022 Broncos regular season.
It’s no secret at this point that this Broncos season has been one of the biggest letdowns in recent memory. Earlier this year I started writing a weekly blurb for the NFL subreddit as part of the community Power Rankings series, and I’ve had the privilege of answering the question, “how do I make Broncos Country’s newly acquired, alarmingly potent madness an enjoyable topic to write about?” There was no possible alternative answer – Hunter S. Thompson’s gonzo method of total immersion, loss of self, and wholesale disregard for the concept of moderation. I jumped in the deep end, no floaties, and inhaled the wine-dark water of drowned hopes. Sky-high expectations met sub-basement performance. I endured primetime failures so mundane and flavorless as to drive the most enthusiastic football-watchers to consider (but not actually execute) a change in programming. And I documented my mental decline each week for the benefit of those who couldn’t afford to poison their own minds in the pursuit of true understanding.
This unholy fandom experiment served as my introduction to some of the folks at DFO, and I’m excited to be joining the crew. The NFL is my wheelhouse but I’m also passionate about the Summer and Winter Olympics; if I’m lucky I’ll get to share some stories with you about this generation’s brilliant Olympians. I’m sure we’ll get into some other topics, too, but for now I’d like to say thanks to DFO for having me and I look forward to continuing to pull my hair out for your amusement. Broncos Country, Let’s Write!
Awkward Introduction Post Ready Go OK I’m Gonna Start Now
Oh great, another fat balding guy who needs glasses. I frigging told you guys we were going to need name tags around the clubhouse but did anyone listen to me? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, and now we don’t know where half of us are half the time, other than “probably drinking while not wearing pants,” which doesn’t really provide a location, now does it?
Oh hey Al, nice debut.
/slaps closest balding fat guy with glasses on the ass, hard.
Welcome Big Al! Any other crippling addiction other than being a Donks fan?
This Okie/FLState tilt would have been the cat’s nipples 20+ years ago.
Pretty good game so far
A shit ton of fans showed up-very impressive.
Big 12/SEC fans will always travel well.
92 (93, now) comments? DFO regulars, upon hearing there’s a new writer in the building (artist’s conception):
Winner of this Syracuse-Minnesoter game should get exclusive rights to the “Three seasons, one of them winter” joke for the next year.
One of the two dates I have been asked to hold for the dreaded “justify your existence” annual evaluation is 13 January. Friday the 13th.
And YES, both interviewers are the very last two I would have picked to evaluate me. Both prickly, Type A folks.
Wear a hockey mask to one, and a burlap sack to the other.
Which is the appropriate bandana to wear to something like this; NC State or Bronco?
It’s Friday the 13th for them too, remember. They could be on the back foot
On a related note
thanks to LA garbage time, it is EQUAL NOW ah will have yew noe
Welp, Pele is ded
He died doing what he loved-playing with his balls.
Suarez ate him???
Brazil will hold a country wide minute of silence which will also be their first minute without criminal violence in 30 years.
How much extra time will be added to the minute of silence?
“Eight minutes” – 2022 World Cup referees
🏆
Any news on the Pele of anal?
For those that still remember when the NFL had 4 pre-season games, tonights Tits/Cowpersons fixture is the equivalent of that 4th pre-season matchup.
I drafted DangeRuss in fantasy this year and am still pissed he couldn’t Hackett.
How drunk were you?
2 QB league, Boris and Hippo were optimistic, and yes.
in fairness, you KNEW ah was on drugs
I am in the finals. Yes, even though Charmslinger was my QB in the Raging Semis.
/my other auctioned QBs? Matty Ice and Fatthew (note to Alex – that means Stafford, who we fat shame to the nth degree)
//my alternates for the final are Huntley and Ridder
///thank Heavenly Jeebus Tittyfuck for Justin Jefferson
Can’t blame you. All signs pointed towards a monster season for the offense
That monster? One of the shit demons from dogma.
oh snap, almost forgot – Alex, you have to choose an English Premier League side, too. No rush, you have until Saturday morning.
Don’t pick Liverpool or you will have disappointed a fellow Broncos fan/Hippo.
#Enemy4Lyf
No one has the Felching-upon-Eastshrop Sissymarys yet.
Boy, if there was ever a team voted “most likely to go down”…
Some of us have avoided futbol by getting into footy.
I pick the bad guys, whichever club that is
Fuck, another Cowboys fan.
Scotchy could use another City-zen in the Clubhouse.
Leicester City is pretty bad, you should pick them.
Man U?
Probably Newcastle, a/k/a Team Bonesaw
Having lived in the Mountain West for a few years, I can tell you that it is mostly Broncos Country with the exception of when you start getting into Texas and then you’re in Cowboys Country.
I think the Broncos have the largest geographic fan base footprint of any league. Off the top of my head, they’ve got Colorado (obvio), New Mexico, Arizona (from before the Cardinals), Nevada (from before the Raiders), Utah, Wyoming, Montana, Western Nebraska, Eastern Idaho, and the Western Dakotas.
So…eight people and a fuckload of salmon.
Don’t forget the legal brothels! I hear Broncos fans get free anal with any purchase, but Hippo is so WASPily judgy, he won’t take them up on the offer.
WASP anal sounds dangerous, be it the insect or the band.
Well, they sting with their ass, so that checks out.
I had no idea we extended into NM, but makes sense now that you mention it.
I’ve been to Steelers bars all over the country. Fuck, I went to one in Rome! The Nation knows no borders!
🚨🚧Extra Surly Al Michaels Alert🚧🚨
It’ll be nice watching Lou Dobbs get beat up for three hours.
Damn, the NFL finally pandered to my fetish!
When I was a small child who knew nothing about football I liked the Broncos because they were the horsey team. I think they were actually good then too, otherwise they wouldn’t have been on teevee in Redacteds territory that often
You were SO CLOSE to being a Spirit Animal!
/and yes, I regularly called my local NBC station’s sports desk to complain about all the LOLfin games they broadcast over the Donks in the 4:30 window
I was no a football fan as a small child, I remember being upset that my dad wouldn’t let me watch Clarissa Explains it All while the Super Bowl was on
Sportsball was my gateway drug for maths nerd-dom. I watched everything I could from as early as I can remember.
Did somebody say Broncos-Redacteds?
oh you BASTARD MAN. That game made me cry actual tears!
My Dad was a ‘Dacteds fan, and I refused to watch in the living room, stayed in my bedroom instead (my first recluse steps)
Hippo Theme music plays:
There must have been a lot of those running around back then, I think most of the south was ‘Dacteds fans before the expansion teams. Even looking at fandom maps from the early 2000s there are random pockets scattered around, although I think Snyder has mostly obliterated all support outside the immediate metro area
The “fight for old DC” line in the song apparently used to be “fight for old DIXIE” – before the Falcons (and then Panthers) existed, they marketed themselves as The South’s team (and there was always some residual sentiment)
Yeah, that was a George Preston Marshall thing, and weirdly enough also the origin of the Dallas rivalry. The sad part is that GPM wouldn’t actually stand out as particularly racist among today’s owner
Because, you know, nothing says the CSA like that capital of the Union!
In summation, The South is a land of contrasts.
I also went to NC State (like both parents, both siblings, sole ex-wife, and 1-of-3 chilluns did), so the Bradley Chubb trade hit me right in the feels. As does Charmslinger being a national punchline.*
*at least if delivering said punchline, make it FUNNY (like Patrick Star did)
ayy, I worked in Raleigh before Covid and lived near Greensboro. Now I’m remote so I moved to Roanoke for my wife to take a job she wanted, but not often you get to see another Broncos fan in NC
If you have ever spent time in Colorado (or even Wyoming, really), you’ll have a better sense of how immersive Donks fandom is. Not quite a cult, but also not that far away.
My ex-wife and one adult daughter live outside of Boulder, and they get it now. Even though the daughter has zero interest in football, and the ex-wife was an uber-casual observer (without any real fandom) who now is fully immersed.
Just watch the ongoing descent into madness, as evinced by Brandon Perna’s game recaps on YouTube. And this is after THREE Superb Owl victories. Can you imagine what our psyche was like, in the BEFORE TIMES?
/Donks fan since 1975, despite being a Charlotte, North Cakalaky native (my parents acknowledge my fandom as 100% consistent and no explanation as to how acquired)
Hell, I’ve just driven through Denver in October and it was obvious. There are parts of the Baltimore suburbs that are like that too, but I think Buffalo probably takes the prize. People just casually refer to ‘Josh’ in random conversations that aren’t even happening on game day, and any random person off the street could name the entire starting O-line
What else is there to do there? Having been there a few times and knowing the weather there, why the fuck would anyone stay there?
Good bars, and good junk food, and quite nice in the summer. Brutal winter storms that kill dozens of people are a downside, but snow donuts in empty parking lots are fun!
I was in that Wisconsin cult… until I escaped on a Midwest Air flight and joined this other cult.
“Tell me more…” – Qaaron Rodgers
There is a surprisingly large cult of Seahawks fans in the greater Seattle area. I was surprised by the sheer number of them. Then again I live in LA where nobody supports a local football team.
Hey now, lots of local gangs represent Raider Nation, still
I didn’t realize Alex was actually a mod over at r/nfl. If so, I’d have insisted that he pledge to never look up why I’d been banned for life (it had something to do with Andy Reid’s parenting skills, I believe).
Anyhow, welcome aboard, Mr. Bountiful Content.
LMAO I promise not to look. Until I get home
Welcome. My job here (self appointed) is to find any flimsy excuse to post pictures of attractive ladies. Must be preforming that well, they haven’t thrown me out (yet).
Photographic example attached
I once dated a girl in high school who had proportions like this. Her alcoholic mother had this to say over dinner: “hope you got big hands cuz any more than a handful just gets wasted.” I didn’t know what to say but my girlfriend went with “you’re the one who’s wasted, Mom”
That poor girl. I hope you treated her nice. Kids like that have it tough.
I may be misogynistic, but I am a gentleman. Your ladies are safe around me because I will conduct dismounted knuckle drill with anyone who threatens them.
for anyone who needs a tutorial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QC_usvpisWA
I watched that whole fucking thing! You sir, are evil, and will fit in here perfectly! Welcome
This is not the image I was trying to post!. Here is a self- portrait, so you know who you’re dealing with!
we knew that
Uhmm… battle drill… not drill and ceremony. I always hated drill and ceremony…
we had a lot of good times and she was thankfully really well adjusted despite the lack of parental support. Last I saw of her she was running an animal shelter
…once dated a girl…
Look at Mr. Fancy Actually-Dated-Girls-in-High-School over here.
“My ears are burning…” – Matt Gaetz
“Just be patient, Matt.”
-Me, piling on the kindling
You’re doing The Lord’s Work
Why watch my own ass when you can stare at it for me, uwu?
Are you allowed to post non-Simpons GIFs
Moderator on the internet, eh?
Now that is some power I could totally be trusted with…..
Moderating a large subreddit is like working at a chain car mechanic business. Mostly a blurry grind of oil changes, ignoring the garbage people don’t clean out of the passengers seat, a couple cool cars…and every once in awhile you see something really fucked up that you show the other mechanics
I misread that as “garbage people that don’t clear out of the passenger seat” and was worried you were disparaging Jim Tomsula.
Andy Reid wants to know what you’re going to do with that bloated rotting elephant, it’s getting close to second breakfast after all.
You can have your bloated rotting elephant when you finish your dessicated Russell Wilson corpse, Andy
Whats your stance on football as an Olympic sport?
I’d be down for it if instead of referees we get judges from different countries on a panel to evaluate each play like it was American Idol.
I do think it’d be neat to have a punt pass and kick in the Olympics though
My husband has a trophy he got for punt pass and kick from 1969. We are old as fuck.
I was -5 then. Lol
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