Everton Football Club, Burned Down to the Ground

All good things must come to an end.  Frank Lampard saved Everton from itself in 2021-22, but had no answers for this season.  Still, he was an honest and decent professional, with modern management ideals.  He knew Everton needed to get with the times, press more, control the ball, get younger.  Sadly, he didn’t know HOW to squeeze that blood out of our particular stone.  We had no margin for error or experimentation, thanks to past mistakes (which are now being repeated).  So, Lampard gets sacked.

But NOT before the World Cup break, when someone like Marcelo Bielsa could have reasonably started a new project.  Realistically, that was the point of no return.  Either sack Lampard then, or let the captain sink into the Championship with his…ship.   I wish I could write more eloquently.

As always, Everton made the worst possible decision, keeping Lampard through the break and firing him with a week left in the transfer window.  It’s absolutely too late to survive by grinding out nil-nils (it was always going to be too late for that, given Everton’s weak and bloated roster – but now it’s 100% so).  And now, they’ve hired walking penis (with face drawn on with Sharpie) Sean Dyche.

Yeah.  From Team White Lives Matter.  Even those jammy fucks went modern with their permanent hire this summer, and they currently are flying high atop the Championship.  Burnley will be in the 2023-24 Premier League.  Everton will not.  And they don’t deserve to be.

As you may have heard in drips, the Everton Board pulled a cynical PR stunt to deflect a few weeks ago.  They pretended that their lives and safety were being threatened by “hooligan” supporters.  But none of these “events” were ever reported to Merseyside Police.  Because it was straight out of the Trump/Bannon/Miller playbook.  Like that dumb bitch who carved a “B” into her forehead claiming to have been attacked by “urban” Obama-ites.  Only it was…backwards, because she didn’t know how mirrors work.

Anyway, the story fell apart within a week, but Everton have no friends in the media.  Nobody to call for a public accounting, like when Redshite supporters got caught up in the ticketing mess before last season’s Shempions League final.  It got half-hearted, semi-retractions, and the Board said they simply “would no longer discuss past incidents.”  Like Mark McGwire and steroids.  History deffo rhymes, folks.

This Board has appointed not one, not two, but THREE appalling managers (Fat Sam, Benitez, Dyche) – all within the past 7-8 years.  Sure, any managerial tenure might be a flop, but those three names have no business EVER sullying the formerly-good name of Everton Football Club.  Dinosaur tactics, dodgy ethics (mostly just Fat Sam there), the personality of belt sanders.  TWO goddamned Liverpool supporters.

It’s all just too much.  There is no learning curve, even now that it might have already been too late to save the club from now-certain relegation.  Too many bad contracts, very few playing assets (Pickford – profit limited due to keeper market not inflated; Onana – who was recruited to Merseyside by Lampard and will 99.99% likely be sold in the summer).  And as you recall, Everton HAD to sell Richarlison to Spurs, before the end of last fiscal year – just to comply with the “fig leaf” financial/accounting limits of the Premier League.  The EFL covers all other divisions of English football, including the Championship.  Their scrutiny is MUCH more rigorous, and will certainly trigger a fire sale of those precious few assets.  Not to fund future purchases, mind.  Just to avoid a massive points deduction and/or winding up in administration.

It certainly registered for me (and at least one other Imaginary Toffee Pal) that a mainstream media source finally used “the A word” with respect to Everton this week.  In print.  It’s feasible enough now that one can mention it in polite company.  Everton could easily be the next Blackburn Rovers, Bolton Wanderers, Derby County.  We sure as fuck aren’t “too big to fail.”  Supporters are realizing it, but it’s far too late.

Anyway, I have ESPN+ so I will watch the Championship Toffees once Dyche is gone.  I know how the story goes, though.  Legacies fade, and tarnish.  I first became “touched by Everton” because they reminded me of NC State.  I have since watched the Wolven powers-that-be wipe their fetid asses with the tattered remains of our basketball heritage.  Consider the pattern recognized, the rhymes picked out.

Fuck me.  At least we have Handsome Mikel and his CHAMPIONS IN WAITING King’s Afrikan Water Pistols to watch.  Arteta has Everton heritage, so I can consider that a tiny bit of “what could have been if 20 unlikely events had lined up.”  Same as when Pickford is tending goal and annoying opponents with Spurs/Chelski.

There are no League fixtures this weekend, and I am too kicked-in-the-bollocks to preview any FA Cup ties.  Wrexham play on Sunday, I think.

Eat shit, universe.