Hippo Introduccionero – Hate week could not POSSIBLY be complete without this fine piece of venom.
The last time my father hit me was on a golf course.
It was a hot, vile day and he and I were on the 9th hole. Does it matter which hole? They all fucking suck.
I hit a terrible shot and said, “Fuck this, I’m going to the clubhouse and getting wasted.”
My father is built like a fireplug, and he is left-handed. Also, the man is deceptively quick. That punch landed square on my arm and he yelled, “You’re going to finish this game. We’re spending time together!”
The arm that received the punch went numb and I said, “Oh yeah? You can’t fucking play this game without clubs.” Then I hurled that fucking club further than my drive.
Both of my uncles drove up in their golf cart and immediately assessed the situation.
“I think Fozz should ride with us.”
I got in the cart and yelled to my father, “You punch like a fucking woman.”
I know. I am a horrible son and an Olympic-caliber asshole.
And I fucking hate golf.
Now that the end of football season approaches, I find myself wandering through the weekend, adrift like Andy Reid as he walks through a Golden Corral closed for the night. The sense of loss and depression is crippling.
What’s left to do? Count the days until baseball starts? It’s like counting the days until you are scheduled to get your scrotal sac waxed, tattooed, and pierced.
Basketball? I used to love college hoops and then I got old and the player stayed young and get the fuck off my lawn.
That leaves golf. Watching golf.
Thanks to the fact that I come from a large family, there is a tradition that dictates Sunday dinners must be attended or you risk being strangled with piano wires. You go to someone’s house, sit around, and while the food cooks you have to gather with the other men to watch TV.
My brother in laws, sons, and nephew love golf. They’re fucking demented.
The Horror Show
Every second of any golf match is excruciating. These dumb fuck millionaires tee up the ball, drive the ball, pitch the ball, and then putt the ball. I want to swallow the ball so it blocks my air way and I die, choking and sputtering.
Hushed announcers describe each and every dumb fucking swing and jizz their pants when a ball lands in the fairway! You would have thought they’d just seen Donald Trump hug a black kid the way they react.
Despite the racial diversity on the course, each golfer is whiter than Miracle Whip on Wonder Bread. Devoid of personality and chock full of smarm and cockiness, they could each use an injection of liquid PCP and a handle of cut-rate tequila.
Even the commercials suck ass.
HOW MANY FUCKING GODDAMN FUCKING GOLF BALLS DO WE NEED?
While we’re on the subject of balls, how in the name of Christ has no one figured out a way to make it easier to see the ball when it’s flying through the air. No other sport presents this challenge. I say dip those balls in nuclear waste so they have that vibrant green glow. And at the same time, the turnaround in pro golfers would keep the game fresh.
The live commentary from the dudes gathered around the television could crush the pope’s faith in humanity. And turn him into a draconian kill-god with a thirst for gore and blood.
I get that you idiots play this game. However, all of you suck. None of you would have “done it differently” because if you did, you’d be pro golfers. And that would make me hate you more.
If I’m lucky I get to hear a golf story. That’s like saying I got ass cancer and got lucky. Golf stories are boring, because people are boring and life is boring. I’ll listen to a golf story only if it involves an out of control fire, severe facial scaring, and a jail sentence. I’m still waiting for one that checks all of those boxes.
But Fozz, why don’t you just do something else?
Like hang out in the kitchen and listen to the females in my family bitch about the males in my family? Nah. I’d rather get the old Cannibal Holocaust treatment.
There are exactly 1,281 days until football starts, and as my despair continues to bloom and wrap me in its sloppy tentacles, I can find a bright spot: Greg Roman is no longer our OC.
https://nypost.com/2022/02/13/puppy-bowl-2022-lineup-meet-the-adoptable-dogs-in-the-game/
My money is on Team Fluff
Go Birds.
For Mac and Sweet Dee!
Anyone still up? Just got out of my gig!
Still up dranking & smokin’. Just made some gumbo base for mardi gras.
Yeah my day is just starting. That time warp thing. Enjoy Buddy be safe.
Golf is kind of my life. It was about the only thing I’ve ever been any good at, so I realized I better figure out a way to make a living with it. I’ve somehow managed to stick around in this business for almost 30 years. But I’m not in love with it all the time. And the last three years of working at a high end country club has really soured me on some aspects of it. The money is good, but I’m kinda sick of working for these insular, wealthy fucks. I don’t believe the game should be locked up.
I’ve got an interview next week for an assistant’s job at a muni near my house. It’s a fun track and working there would kinda feel like I’m regaining my soul.
Good luck! I hope it goes well.
Just so you know, I really appreciate your advice and it’s paying off. Thanks!
Thanks man! I don’t ever get tired of hearing things like that! Keep working at it, you’re approaching this game the right way!
Grumble, grumble, grumble, positive things about golf, grumble.
My oldest loves the game, he’s been in the bag room at a local country club for 4 years and loves it.
I’ve played with him a few times, mostly watching. it’s a beautiful experience seeing someone you love do something they love
Are the Kings good or are the Penguins really this bad?
Kings are gud, make no mistake. Pens also on weird road trip with a back-up back-up goaltender.
Tracked this ballon for over 200 miles… turned out to be bird shit on the window…
😂🤣
That’s not bird shit. It’s a space station.
Shoot it down!
Fozz… If you took more tips from Paige perhaps your outlook on the game would soften. Mine certainly has.
I like Paige. Her YouTube channel is pretty good. She has good course management advice.
And easy on the eyes as we learn.
I made alfredo from the parmigiano reggiano and the fresh pecorino with the black pepper crust and it was insane.
That pecorino is incredible.
That stuff is the best. I figured you would like it.
Obrigado.
Salute!
Now if hte pro tour featured only these players, and making the announcers do tequila shots, then i’d watch. every damn time
Just bit my tongue hard enough to draw blood. I’ll have a nice ulcer for the Superb Owl, so that’s great.
You mite b doing cunnilingus wrong smgdh
Or maybe just right…
Oooo. I hate it when that happens….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVELqWPl8Sg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqYUIIatb6w
The greatest golf course isn’t Pebble Beach, St. Andrew’s, Augusta National, or Trump Turnberry. It’s at Sweet Puttin’ Cakes.
I cant believe the Orange Cheeto bought Turnberry. When I livwd there it was a Westin. He then destroyed the interior to modernize it. No one liled it so he then had them redo it all to make it old and classic again. What a dick.
Time really flies when you’re sitting around playing Civ instead of doing anything productive!
Started a new campaign of Darkest Dungeon tonight
Why would you be doing something productive on a Saturday night?
I’m funemployed, there’s no reason for me to distribute my productivity away from weekends
Did he just realize the Allies were invading?
Drunk putt putt is fun, until you get kicked out for reckless play
Zymm’s playing partner (artist’s interpretation)
?fit=inside%7C335:189
How is this not a mini-golf course yet?
Oh. That is a very interesting idea. A Bob’s Burgers pop-up mini golf course.
Well, my car is in the shop and may be dead, so I am stranded at home and have already walked a fuckton today. Time to get drunk.
And just as more more sanctions are going in against Cuba; you’ll never get fresh parts for that Packard now!
“Please don’t mention the name ‘Packard’, you’ll give Eli nightmares.” – Olivia Manning
Poor Eli is still trying to figure out how to get to Utopia in UFO 54-40
The conditions at the golf courses in LA are probably as good as they are ever going to get; I should probably go out and swing the clubs sometime next week.
Me checking into the site today:
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I’m watching the Waste Management Phoenix Open as we speak.
Leave it to Arizona to name their big golf tournament after a fleet of fucking garbage trucks.
Please tell me they at least have a promotional section for attendees called the “Waste Management Fun Zone”.
Oh you know they do.
Waste Management VIPee tent.
My thoughts and opinions on golf are well established here. I’ll save my HAET for Augusta National for the annual Masters Hate Post. I’ve got some ideas for this year.
ANYWAY, here’s your BANANACAKES ACHIEVEMENT:
https://www.espn.com/video/clip/_/id/35639639
The shooter may have broken his wrist on that shot
I like playing golf, assuming I can combine it with another favorite activity, (day drinking), but watching it on TV is simply a bridge too far.
Watching golf is way less excite than the nap I just took. Unsure whether watching my nap would be any better. Depends on how much you enjoy visually repellent fat guys.
You clearly don’t watch the LPGA Tour…
Oh. Hi.
[looks at self in mirror]
“I’m comfortable with visually repellent fat guys.”
#oneofus!
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Nap review:
Twitch #1 must’ve been that dream of time driving an 18 wheeler toward me. Huh. Should’ve ducked left.