This week’s topic comes indirectly from Scotchy, who posted something about Maria Bamford talking about what her last meal would be. Ms. Bamford’s last meal includes Diet Coke and pot roast which, just no, absolutely not. I can’t imagine asking for either as part of my last meal, Diet Coke because it tastes like gasoline and pot roast because, well, that’s something a Pilgrim would eat.
So this week we’re going to see if we can do a little bit better. Your mission, should you choose to accept it,
OK, no one said I was, but you’re here, and if you want to participate you will be picking a last meal. Said last meal must consist of a drink, an appetizer, a main course, and a dessert. It’s your last meal, so screw the calories and/or salt content. Where we’re going blood pressure don’t matter.
By the way, if anyone Blair Witches this I’m going to pretty damn impressed. I am not sure how your commissioner,
Chef Slowik, will feel about it and let me tell you, the guy’s got some issues so be careful.
With the first pick I am going to take a Mexican Coca-Cola, (chilled), garlic tater tots, a cheeseburger done medium rare with bacon & mushrooms, and as many fresh chocolate chip cookies as I can shovel down my gaping maw before the warden tells me it’s time.
As he indirectly inspired this week’s topic the second pick goes to Scotchnaut
The rest of you are on the clock. You know the rules: wait ten picks or 30 minutes after yours, or get here late and make four picks at once, or just do what Balls did last week and make a great pick three days later.
Second choice:
Buffalo wings with extra Buffalo sauce and fried pickles appetizer.
Inka Cola, the best damn cola money can buy.
Salmon nigiri with thin slices of lemon adoring the top of each piece as a side, light on the rice.
My own spaghetti, as no one makes it like me.
Dessert: grape and cherry taffy with a bottle of 100 proof apple pie moonshine so my death won’t be so bad when I die of alcohol poisoning first
Appetizer: smoke a fat doob, then Bone marrow ravioli
Drink: bottle of really good red wine
Main: Surf and turf- med rare ribeye, lobster tail. Baked potato w/ sour cream and butter, asparagus
Dessert: Chocolate mousse or flourless chocolate cake, tawny port, coffee
The bone marrow of all your enemies!
Hell yeah! I’ll make them scrape it out themselves.
Dakota Jeebus cut for the Commies. His last meal, courtesy of Danny Boy:
An empty, cracked drinking glass
A used napkin with ketchup stains
That’s it.
invalid gift certificate to Johnny Rockets
Sewage water shower!
😂🤣
1. Sausage and cheese balls
2. Country style steak ( with my mother’s black pepper milk gravy) with rice
3. My mother’s cherry pound cake with butter cream icing
4. For afters a dozen hot Krispy Kream doughnuts.
Lemonade
Bowl of chili all the way
Beef French-dip sandwich (double-dipped, of course)
Banana cream pie
All from Philippe The Original
French Onion Soup and asparagus. Because I want to make the guy who has to clean off the Chair’s night at least a fraction as bad as mine was
For my second round pick I’m going with a DFO seafood boil. Pass out the mallets and ice cold beer! (Make mine a ginger ale. I’m ten days shy of 6 months sober today). I guess I’d go lobster bisque for the appetizer and chocolate mousse for dessert.
Nice work on both counts, Fronk!
Congratulations on the sobriety, Fronk. Rooting hard for you.
You are awesome, Fronk! Seafood boil, hell yeah!
Congratulations Fronk!
I think a fun little prank would be to show your spouse this draft, ask what they would choose, and then the following evening serve them that meal.
/sound of shattering glass
Jim Ross: BAH GAWD, THAT’S THE DYSON’S MUSIC!!!
THIS RIKKITIKKIDEADLY I CALL HIM CHARLES BRONSON CAUSE HOO BOY IS THAT A DEATH WISH
RTD’s DFO Viking-esque funeral, dramatic re-creation:
Pfft. Like the Dr. Mrs. would ever discard a perfectly good dumpster before it was filled to the brim with vacuum detritus.
A burning red white & blue Republic dumpster floating past the Red White & Blue thrift store.
This is like watching the USS Arizona, folks. Not a dry eye in the house.
Play Ball!
I would not share this page if I were you. Food and Hippo is too sexy a combination for any marriage to survive.
Second Round
Drink: Bloody Mary
App: Spinach dip with pumpernickel
Main: My grandmother’s tourtiere
Dessert: Ice cream sandwich
/I can’t quit you, ice cream!*
*can’t remember the last time I had ice cream
Had to look up tourtiere. Looks like shepherds pie but with a legitimate crust instead of a mashed potato covering.
I am intrigued.
I haven’t had a good Bloody Mary in a very long time.
Also, at the risk of stating the obvious, see The Menu if you haven’t already.
If nothing else, Hong Chau saying “tortillas” is delightful.
Last meal, you say?
This is all coming from a local, family-owned restaurant back home:
App: Onion rings, side salad with homemade Thousand Island dressing, fresh baked bread
Main: Fried chicken, baked potato with butter and sour cream, with platters of spaghetti and tortellini as sides, more fresh bread, keep it coming.
Dessert: Peppermint Ice Cream
Drink: Bourbon, Makers Mark 46, just leave the bottle, no, I don’t need a glass.
My last meal goals are twofold:
a) Enjoy my intake
b) Ensure my post-execution outflow is as horrific as possible
That said…
Drink: La Fin Du Monde ale, delicious and appropriate
Appetizer: Chili-cheese fries with bacon pieces
(palate cleanser: mango gelato)
Main: Shredded beef burrito, filled with black and pinto beans, shredded lettuce, guacamole, sour cream, shredded cheddar/jack/asadero. smothered in red sauce and topped with sliced black olives and MOAR CHEESE
(palate cleanser: raspberry gelato)
Dessert: From Cheesecake Factory: Adam’s Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple
(Creamy Cheesecake Swirled with Caramel, Peanut Butter, Butterfingers® and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups)
Part b is why I added zucchini to the mix!
That’s outstanding use of logic.
Lookit this cheater getting three desserts! No wonder you’re riding the lightning.
Has balls taken pussy yet? If not, yoink/slurp
/monkey’s paw curls
Something something Chinese food joke.
alternatively
This one is too hard for me. After work today… I just don’t have the brain cells left people. So I’ll pick an old fav and push on out from the table. A chili con carni LRP ration. IYKYK.
grumble grumble it wasn’t too hard for your mom grumble grumble
Since Yeah Right has broken the pizza barrier I will make a third pick
Drink: Ballast Point Grapefruit Sculpin IPA
App: Calamari
Entree: Large pizza from Rossini’s in Cheshire, CT, (hometown plug!), with no mozzarella, red sauce, grated parmesan, pepperoni, and ricotta.
Dessert: creme brûlée
Drink: a gin martini with 6 olives
Appetizer: Club Sandwich with potato wedges (I’m not screwing around)
Main: Fettucine Alfredo with garlic toast
Dessert: A huge bowl of Black Cherry ice cream that the family dairy once made.
Hopefully I’ll spontaneously combust, ruining all the fun for that dude with the hood on his head sitting in the corner
There he is!
Deep dish pepperoni and sausage pie from Lou Malnatai’s on North Halsted Chicago and a pitcher of Goose Island Lager.
Oh no, pisano’s is the way to go for pizza in Chicago. I used to live a block from it in Gold Coast.
2. In case mine happens to be a morning execution, my second pick will be a* California breakfast burrito. Potatoes, bacon, avocado, eggs, and cheese as the primary ingredients. With sour cream and hot sauce. And a nice hot cup of tea. Plus a bowl of strawberries.
Accompanying cocktail will be a bottomless mimosa.
*”my fill of”
Fentiman’s ginger beer
Jerk chicken wings
Ribeye steak (medium-well) with grilled zucchini
Fresh-baked apple pie (scratch-made crust)
Rib-eye lasting this long is a bit of a surprise.
Agreed. It wins because it is something I love, but that I only eat like once a decade now (because of the after effects)
Medium well not being ripped apart is a bit of a surprise
I assume that’s what he’s being executed for. It’s like “Inception” but for last meals – the meal you ordered was such a crime that it *becomes* your last meal.
If you ask for medium well, you will at least get medium. Too many times have I tried “medium” ordering, and the goddamned thing still moos.
(tiny thumb’s up)
-D. Trump
You doubt my ability to grill a steak to medium?
That’ll cost you a finger.
It’s less “ability” and more “trust.” Chefs tend to think you need a “nudge” in the raw direction.
This was too good not to share:
https://tacobellquarterly.org/tbq6/
Also applicable to today’s draft topic. Here is my pick:
Drink: Mountain Dew Baja Blast
Appetizer: Mexican Pizza
Main: All You Can Eat Brazilian BBQ meats
Dessert: Pecan Pie
There is an all you can eat (buffet) Brazilian BBQ place a mile from my house that is highly respectable. And it’s been in business for many years so around here with such high competition that makes a statement.
This is the Candlelight Diner in Commack, NY. It’s open 24 hours and located more or less directly across Jericho Turnpike from the go-go bar where we’d end our drinking nights back in my 20s. Then we’d end up here. Great food and the dancers would hang out with us till their ride pulled up, flip some cash at the owner, bark some shit at the girls in Russian, and quickly hustle them into a van headed back to Brighter Beach.
Since it’s where I ended so many good nights, it’s where I should end my eating career:
Appetizer: Chopped Stuffed Baked Clams
Beverage: Coffee, Chocolate Milk (When entree arrives), Iced water w/ shaved ice & a straw
Entree: Western Omelette, side link sausage, home fries, rye toast
INTERLUDE: (two bumps of cocaine in men’s room stall)
Dessert: Slice chocolate cream pie w/ whipped cream, coffee refill
Oh right, the picture.
I was wondering how long “breakfast for dinner” would last, and now we know. Well played.
Langers pastrami and Swiss on rye (no, not a #19), order of latkes with sour cream and applesauce and a cold beer. It’s usually Heineken or Bud bottle there.
One hundred percent dead fucking serious.
Treat yourself to a dessert there, Yeah Right, but otherwise I like where your head’s at.
Second pick, (last second reprieve from the Governor after I’d finished the last meal)
Drink: RC Cola (I have no idea but I love a cold RC with certain meals, consider it garbage under other circumstances)
Appetizer: Onion rings, thin sliced, minimal breading
Main Course: Brisket reuben sandwich from BT’s.
Dessert: A large dish of banana chocolate chip ice cream from the UConn Dairy Bar.
I will want to die after this meal.
Budget alternative:
3 regular Coors
A can of New England clam chowder
2 pounds of toasted white bread with real butter
A Skor bar
Get out.
I really REALLY love toast with buttah😝
Agreed. It’s the white bread that’s killing me.
Same. Quitting cigs, no big deal. Bread NEVAR!
Appetizer: Foie gras – if I’m going down I’m taking Marcus Mariota and/or Chip Kelly with me
Main course: Filet mignon – medium rare
Accompanied by: Oyster mushrooms and potatoes au gratin
Dessert: Chocolate mousse cake
For a cocktail I’ll take an old fashioned.
“No vegetables at all? Nice!” – Eli Manning
Beer
Bull testicles appetizer
Monkey brains main course
Strawberry cheesecake
Monkey Brains? THERE ARE NO SUBSTITUTIONS AT HAWTHORNE!!!
Such a great movie. Tim Curry is fantastic.
It was good, but there were too many red herrings.
Weren’t there three endings, and what part of the country you saw the movie in determined which one you saw? Or is that in urban myth? If it was the case the red herrings would have been unavoidable.
Sigh. Way to spoil the joke, Einstein.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naULMgg52fA
Apologies for being so snippy this morning. I don’t even have the excuse of being hungover!
I imagine the constant hum of vacuuming isn’t helping your mood any.
Today it’s actually “didn’t you say you were going to fix this sticky window so would you please do that right now even though it’s freezing out and correspondingly unlikely I’ll even *think* about actually opening the window for the next two weeks?”
(and of course as I was typing this up, the vacuuming has begun)
I’ve only ever seen the ending where Tim Curry did it, so I plead ignorance. Also the Fifth.
A #2 large, no bean sprouts, and an order of phad Thai from New Tung Key. The hot tea, Jasmine. Dessert would be that fortune cookie that I love to eat.
Guessing this would be the 3rd pick.
Drink: 100 proof mezcal with squeezed red grapefruit juice–50/50, don’t skimp, warden!
Appetizer: cubes of fried Dominican cheese
Entrée: white rice with red kidney beans,* beefsteak with onions, and smashed green plantains.
Dessert: a pint of Ben & Jerry’s NY Super Fudge Chunk.
Execution: firing squad, duh! Complementary cig for the win.
* Beans cooked with pigs feet and short or medium grain rice. Long rice or parboiled crap and I’ll shank the priest.
This guy gets it.
(and for the second week running the commissioner’s picture won’t run. Fanfuckingtastic)
For reference, tho these are pink beans. But I forgot the avocado dammit!
That’s because you have it saved as a .webp, you tit. Use a .jpg and it should work just fine.
Great pick, Scotchy!
Was he supposed to fill that in before this posted?
Yes.
The same way I’m “supposed to” get these in every Monday during the off-season. If it happens, great. if not, eh, we move on.
We could do a version of this as celebrities picking their last meal, but Andy Reid can’t go first or there won’t be any food left for the others.
So you’re telling me that, as soon as I finish this menu, I may leave this place?
Well ummmm….I’ll have a Coke then.