BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!
Football is dumb as shit. I’m this close to rippin’ burnouts on the 50 and flippin’ the bird to everyone. Let’s talk cars for a little while.
THE CITROËN C3 PLURIEL
Model Year: 2005
Total units produced: 109,000 (2003-10)
Vehicle type: Two-door, soft-top multi-configuration small car
Engine: 1.4L inline 4, 1398cc, 70 HP
Drivetrain: FWD
Transmission: 5-speed manual
Gross weight: 2700 lbs.
0-60 time: 15.6 seconds
Top speed: 117 MPH
Vehicle cost: €15,500 (equivalent to $24,235.62 USD in 2023)
What makes this car interesting?
Believe it or not, some people on this earth are stupid enough to be completely obsessed with French automobiles. These individuals all clearly need electroshock therapy. Regardless, for the modern, discerning French-obsessed maniac, there’s one model in particular that shines above all others in delivering a unique driving experience.
Citroën has long been a staple of the French automotive industry alongside well-known brands like Renault and Peugeot; while all have international reputation, it’s reasonable to say that Citroën is definitely the quirkiest of the three. Best known for being early pioneers in four-wheel drive and in hydropneumatic suspension, the most popular Citroën of all time was the 2CV, which sold 3.8 million units from 1948-1990. Despite being hilariously underpowered and lacking creature comforts of many newer models, its extreme simplicity and low price made it a staple of French roadways for much of the 20th century. As such, Citroën really wanted to capitalize on the nostalgia for its best-known car when it designed the 3C in the late 1990s.
Want to take the 3C Pluriel from roofed hatchback to pillarless roadster? Well, you better get the disassembly order correct, because you’ll quickly break the electric roof retraction if you don’t. Speaking of electric retractable roofs – if you’re looking for a vehicle that’s definitely watertight and not prone to random catastrophic leaks… keep looking. The build quality of Citroëns has long been considered suspect at best, and this model did absolutely nothing to change consumer opinions.
But oh boy. The coup de grace, so to speak… what to do with the roof pillars when you remove them from the car? Where do you put them? There’s no space built into the car to store them, so if you want to ride around with the top down, you have to either flip the rear seats down, or leave them at home and hope & pray to god that you and your three passengers have good weather for the entire duration of your ride, because if you have to stop at all to get the roof back up, you’re fucked. By the way – the roof pillars weigh about 50 pounds each. Definitely something the average 85-year-old woman could manoeuvre easily, right?
Oh, and one other good bit – yes, the seats fold down, and yes, the tailgate flips out, giving you a flatbed to haul things around. However, it’s illegal to drive it in this configuration. Why, you ask? Well, the rear license plate was obscured, and the car didn’t come with a hinged flip-down plate mount in order to work around this legality. Great planning there, Citroën!
Flip down seats? Mini flatbed? Load yourself a blowup mattress in the back and gaze up lovingly at the twinkling stars all around you as you head on a trip to POUND TOWN. Or, rather, be dour and morose the entire time, because everything in life is utter bullshit to the French.
How can BOSS TODD fix this thing?
FRONT WHEEL DRIVE? Those fuckers should’ve given up Paris forever and ever. When these assholes are finally conquered by Germany once and for all I hope to FUCKING SHIT that FWD is banned forever. Listen, I gotta be realistic. Not everyone can be BOSS TODD when you got a budget to work with. I get that. So that’s why I’m FUCKING MAD that the French had a cool cheap little car that ticks all the BOSS TODD boxes – and then desecrated it with wrong-wheel drive. Fuck. We need to melt the Eiffel Tower down for scrap and turn it into a new Hummer or two. Fuck those miserable assholes forever.
BOSS TODD out, bitches. See you in hell.
[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]
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Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.
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Took a trip through Deutschland with my high school German class back when MTV was still pretty new and our bus driver, Uwe, would not stop playing “Chump” by “Von Hollan” and pretending he was David Lee Roth. On the way home, we also scooted over to Frankreich (the country, not the coach) to get some culture in our isolationist teenage brains from the City of Light. However, Uwe could not get the bus down the curvy little road to our negative one star hotel in some Paris-adjacent banlieue because there was a 2CV parked on the apex of the road bend just before the parking lot. He ordered about 8 of us to help, so we filed out of the bus, picked the car up and put it all the way on the sidewalk and the bus made it through. Uwe then bought our underage asses warm beer from the bus as our reward that evening and we used it to make up for our otherwise ungraceful efforts to smash the girls from Catholic school in Michigan on the floor below us in the hotel. I got to second base with an over the pants handy on a hotel balcony before curfew and felt like I owned the world — Midnight in Fucking Paris, Mon Frers! Not everything about the 80s sucked.
/moral of the story is that the 3CV would have been too heavy to move and so the dominos would have fallen differently and I would have just ended up sober and dating my own hand that night and that is why this car sucks
Oh, I misread the title. I thought this was about COVID sanitization in cars.
My high school/college car had French/Renault “guts” (the Eagle Premier). It was comfy as fuck (as a college student, I slept in it at least a few times a year), but it was an absolute piece of shit. The mechanic in my neighboUrhood was like “I cringe everytime I see your car pull up.” It would overheat in so much as medium traffic, nobody could figure out why. My then-wife made me sell it before our first daughter was born. Her edict – You will NOT put MY CHILD in that fucking thing.
I only had it because my Dad bought it for my Mom against her wishes, she hated it and it had no re-sale value. Great for porting 6+ drunks around, so I loved it. It was like driving a couch.
So, like 5 years ago I started getting emails about some trip from London, through the Chunnel and to a buncha places in France in a 2CV. Each day had an itinerary and places to stop along the way, which all sounded great to me, except, I’m not in Europe and didn’t know anyone else on the email. Oh and cost of flights and that I was the wrong person. But touring around France in a 2CV with friends does sound like a great holiday
Loved the use of the Citroen 2CV in this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DB9-NU7iRkw
Regarding:
I need to head back on over to POUND TOWN. Been gone too long. Not gonna go in a C3 however. Don’t wanna be caught dead in one of those clown cars.
Leave it to the French to produce a car that’s great for fucking and absolutely nothing else.
They haven’t figured out a vehicle powered entirely by nicotine.
Yet.
Too much red wine and escargot to figure it out.
Shit that sounds fantastic doesn’t it?
Smokes, red wine? I am in.
They do have one that’s powered by ennui, however.
Wrap it up everybody; no one’s beating Balls’s comment.
Next thread!
Out of respect to Balls, I don’t want to add any dilutive comments. He conquered.
They put such great effort into their derp.