Hello hello everybody!
Welcome! Come on in. Yeah it’s a bit warm in here with the stove on but that’s how I like it.
That sunny weather shit I talked about before? Well fucking fuck. That went away and now we’re in the dead middle of what us So-Cal folks call “June Gloom” and it’s barely fucking May! What the fuck is that! It’s grim, dreary overcast constantly and this fucker looks like it’s going to take its shoes off and stick around for awhile. Swell.
But we can make some delicious food. We can do that at least!
We’ve got a special two part Sunday Gravy starting today. This week and next week we’ll be making breakfast sandwiches!
Work with me here. This will be fun, I promise.
For our first venture into the breakfast sandwich universe I decided we needed to make a sausage, egg and cheese muffin [please note: there ain’t no “Mc” in my muffin!]
I had this whole schtick figured out where I was going to take a picture of a package of English muffins, then I would take another picture of a roll of breakfast sausage thereby making you think I was going to use a bunch of store bought shit and then giving you a bunch of words about a sandwich that each and every damn one of you could – and I’m certain many of you already HAVE – made for yourself. After which I was going to pull back the curtain and say “FUCK THAT! That’s not how we do Sunday Gravy motherfuckers!” Then I was going to make everything from scratch.
Anyway I forgot to take a picture of a package of English muffins and a roll of sausage so never mind.
I did indeed make homemade English muffins and homemade sausage and this will be the story of that.
Most important takeaway for today is this recipe I’m going to show you? The one for the English muffins? Is fucking INSANELY good. These muffins were drop dead dynamite delicious muffins.
I mean look!
That picture will end up residing on my phone for-fucking-ever and I will indeed whip that phone out and show that picture to random strangers and I will say “SEE THESE MUFFINS! I MADE THESE FUCKING MUFFINS FROM SCRATCH!”
What’s even better, since this was my first attempt at homemade English muffins I know I’ll actually be able to make them even BETTER next time. I’ll tell you how, too!
Let’s get this thing going. These muffins require a 2-day prep. This has been a public service announcement!
Since we’re letting the muffins set and ferment overnight let’s prep the sausage a day ahead of time too. Get those flavors all mingled and shit.
We’re going to be using ground pork for the breakfast sausage.
Quick diatribe time!
See the wrap on that pork up there? I did that with the shrink wrap machine that I have at work (I do a lot of my shopping at the Ralph’s near my job.) Why did I do this you may ask? Because bagging groceries is a goddamn lost art form is why. None of the bagging people at the store pay attention to the shit they do. They throw fresh meat into the same bag as fresh produce. They’ll put a bloody package of beef or chicken in with your goddamn yogurt.
Use some common since! It’s not that goddamn hard.
So what I did was I shrink wrapped the pork so I could bag it with the other perishables while I drove home from work.
Diatribe over.
Homemade breakfast sausage!
recipe inspired greatly by “thecountrycook.net.’
1 pound of ground pork
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 Tablespoon packed light brown sugar (optional) – please note! I omitted the brown sugar
1 Tablespoon finely chopped fresh sage
1 Tablespoon finely chopped fresh thyme
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon black pepper
½ teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
½ teaspoon poultry seasoning*
½ teaspoon smoked paprika
* Special ingredient going in! Instead of poultry seasoning I used Adobo Criollo. A lovely gift that was bestowed upon me by our local “Consigliere” and all around wonderful human being Don T. Thank you for everything good sir!
Finely mince up the sage and thyme and then get all of the ingredients into a mixing bowl.
I love a recipe that starts with “Throw all this shit into a bowl.”
Then combine.
Nice and simple. Cover the bowl with some plastic wrap and sock it away in the refrigerator overnight. You could do this the same day you’ll cook the sausage but an extra day of ingredient mingle-age will do us some good here.
Motherfucking muffin time!
Homemade English Muffins!
recipe taken pretty much verbatim from biggerbolderbaking.com – this girl can BAKE!
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon instant yeast – that’s one of those little packets
1/4 teaspoon salt
2/3 cups whole milk
1/2 cups water
1 tablespoon butter
I adapted her recipe a bit by proofing the yeast in the 1/2 cup of water. Water heated to 110 degrees and I also added a small drop of honey to feed the yeastie beasts.
Mix together the flour and salt in a big bowl.
Put the milk in a microwavable container and warm it up a bit. What I did was heat it for 30 seconds, then add in the tablespoon of butter and warm for another 30 seconds. Just long enough to take the chill off of the milk and melt the butter.
Add the proofed yeast in its water to the milk mixture then add everything to the flour mixture.
Then make a dough ball.
This is a super easy dough. You don’t need a stand mixer and you won’t even need to knead it. Just mix it together with a fork until everything is combined. Then scrape down the sides of the bowl until everything clumps together.
Cover the dough with plastic wrap, then a kitchen towel and let ferment overnight. I left it at room temperature.
What we are effectively doing is making a “sponge” rather than a dough.
See?
With the sponge resting at room temperature it allowed the yeast to ferment which gave us…
Bubbles!
And those bubbles will give us what?
The little nooks and crannies that are the calling card of any good English muffin!
How about that shit?
Please take note that the sponge is damp and pretty goddamn sticky so…
You WILL need a floured surface today.
I dumped the sponge out onto the floured surface, gave it a flip over then added some additional flour on top of the dough.
Important next step: cover the dough just like it is with the plastic wrap and towel that you used earlier and let it rest for a good 10 minutes to help relax the glutens.
Next uncover the dough and flatten it out to about 3/4″ or so.
Get a big ass ring cutter and cut the muffins out.
Remember when I said I would tell you how to make even better muffins than these muffins? The trick is to make sure the top and bottom of the muffin disks are floured well. You don’t want the outsides soft. The inside of the muffin can stay a little sticky, in fact that’s exactly what you want but make sure the tops and bottoms won’t stick to a surface.
See? I should have sprinkled a bit more flour on the parchment paper right here. You’ll see what I mean in a moment.
Cover the muffins for a final rise of another 45 minutes.
These will cook over medium heat in a non-stick DRY skillet. No butter or oil or nothing.
Please take note of the shapes of the muffins. See how they’re not all uniform and shit like they were on the parchment paper? That’s because a couple of these stuck to the parchment paper when taking them from the resting pan and putting them in the skillet.
Five minutes for the first side then turn them over and cook for 3-4 minutes on the other side.
Let’s see how we did.
Holy shit! Look at that!
Let’s make more!
You can tell which muffins stuck during the transfer process. Don’t worry. These little fuckers were still outstanding but I can make them a bit more uniform next time.
Sausage time!
Take the sausage out of the fridge and let it get close to room temperature.
Make some sausage patties.
And into the skillet they go.
Fuck it. Want some hash browns? We’re essentially making breakfast after all.
Let’s make some goddamn hash browns.
Brother TAJ on the hash brown detail today. Recipe here if you need it.
Finish those sausage patties up already. I’m getting hungry.
Slice open one of those muffins and take a peak.
It’s fucking perfect! Goddamn do I love that picture!
How do you like your eggs? I like poached for this application myself.
You know, boil some water add a splash of vinegar?
Build that damn sandwich.
Slap some cheese on that thing! Cheddar today.
On goes the sausage.
Then the egg.
Yeah that photo is kind of sloppy. That’s one slippery fucking egg. This was going to be the banner image but the egg didn’t cooperate aesthetically.
Anyway. Plate it up folks.
I’ve said this before but with breakfast it’s like a two-day prep, followed by an hour in the kitchen for something you will fucking inhale in about 60 seconds.
Holy fucking hell was this delightful. Next week’s sandwich better bring the goddamn effort if it wants to compare to this delicious motherfucker.
Of course you know the lynchpin for this meal already.
Mother. Fucking. Muffins man.
This menu made me very happy because it showed me just how fucking easy it is to make a killer English muffin. These are in a whole ‘nother solar system from that store bought shit. These fuckers RULE!
What started out as a dick-around simple idea blossomed into a real, workable recipe that produced incredible results.
How about that shit?
Good stuff.
I appreciate you folks, truly. Wouldn’t be Sunday Gravy without you.
Be sure to stop by next week as we present part 2 of this what-ever-the-fuck thing. Bet it’s delicious too.
Enjoy your Sunday and be well.
PEACE!
[…] Homemade English muffins! That’s the ticket! […]
[…] You remember last week when I showed off my “Brand new bad ass muffin making methodsⒸ.” […]
Bengals are losing to the Bears 17-4. It sucks to be down by nearly two touchdowns, but they got two safeties, so at least there’s something to be happy about. (listens into earpiece) Huh? Baseball? Points scored in increments of one? Nothing to be happy about? Ah, fantastic.
Did The Reds Win? (13-17) on Twitter: “Almost.” / Twitter
Vichy Whalers are at Three Mile Island, and still melting down.
Fukushima impending.
Cincinnati 💔 on Twitter: “Oh Reds…. #pain https://t.co/wn4MeF7yDI” / Twitter
Reds went Full Chernobyl. You never go Full Chernobyl.
Okay, we’re at BANANACON 3 in Swamps of Joisey.
Whole Foods had some salmon heads on sale, so I had no choice but to (1) buy them, and (2) post this song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9TNcI7eUXY
What’s the going rate for a salmon head these days?
Perhaps there’s an arbitrage opportunity.
Wonder if you could order a Whalers sweater, with “VICHY” as the nameplate. Then, I wonder if security would be well-read enough to get the joke and stop you from wearing to the ice footy game.
Peeples in Connecticut can’t read, jeebuz!
I’ve been using jazz music as background for studying for a long time, but lately have been branching out. The only criterion for my background studying ambience is the absence of the human voice, which instantly distracts and annoys me. No lyrics, no speech, no poetry. DJ albums are the worst because they’ll have you nodding your head to some groovy hip-hop beat feeling like you’re floating around Saturn while your academic mind continues to operate efficiently, when suddenly you unceremoniously find out the track you’ve been digging features the rap stylings of Li’l Wal-Nutz or some fuckin’ thing who shatters the peace with angry, staccato, monotone aggression causing a mental train wreck. Multiple tunnel closures. Mass evacuations.
The latest sounds I’ve found to be effective have been distant artillery and combat sounds from World War II, and live albums by the band Tangerine Dream, of which there are approximately 50,000. They’re hilarious, because every one I’ve listened to so far opens with a different piece, but eventually every single one of them morphs into the tune from “Risky Business” where he’s banging Rebecca DeMornay on the train for a minute or so, and then they drift out of it. It’s so forced, it’s great!
Anywhoozle, I’m procrastinating. I have to write a 2-page paper for my Globalization class tonight. I saw a documentary a while back about the construction of the 3-Gorges Dam where they described, as the water in the river valleys rose, villagers scrambling for higher ground as their ancient homelands were submerged while archaeologists descended on the area in a desperate attempt to salvage what they could, as centuries of archaeological history was lost forever to the flood waters in the name of progress. Here’s the first source that popped up. Thought I’d post it just for the imagery. Fucking breathtaking.
https://www.cnn.com/style/article/china-three-gorges-dam-intl-hnk-dst/index.html
Tangerine Dream did the soundtrack for one of the Grand Theft Auto games (5, I think?). It’s really great.
They just re-released the soundtrack to the film “Three O’Clock High” too, if anyone is a fan of that one. I think it’s pretty cult-y.
I am a huge fan of that movie. Barry Sonnenfeld (of MiB) was the cinematographer and you can definitely see he’s got a future in the industry.
That film came out in 1987, a year in which he also worked on Raising Arizona and Throw Momma from the Train. Productive year!
Also did the soundtracks for “Thief” and “Sorcerer” and I saw them perform live back in like 1984.
I recommend Aphex Twin and The Orb.
If you search “ambient” into your musical device thingy, you should be good
I’m spinning “Live 93” by The Orb right now and floating down the Yangtze River through a field of cherry blossom petals over the remains of multiple Chinese Atlantii towards a distant, churning, pulsating disturbance…
Fuck. Now I want dumplings.
“Me too!” – Aaron Rodgers, sitting on a couch at home
Worst Entity That You’ve Dealt With Professionally-
This one is funded by the province of Ontario. The email that they use to place orders to us is a gmail account that was created four employees ago. “R” is my current contact. (btw, he was the driver of a van before he was thrust into the role of food procurer) Kudos to all these folks-they purchase a shit-ton of produce from us and sell them at various farmers markets because they are incredibly under-funded and have found a way to keep things going.
Some seriously ugly basketball happening right now. We’re talking “Christmas ham that wished it could be a real boy” level ugly.
Found a funny: They decided not to issue new stamps with King Charles on them because people were spitting on the wrong side.
Just got back from a rec league baseball game. We lost and almost had a couple players ejected. Good times.
Like, real baseball with overhand pitching and everything?
Yup
We got uniforms and everything. It’s real neat.
That is neat. Are there umpires? I’d have thought fast pitching would cause some issues for adults playing at a recreational level.
By which I mean lots of swinging strikeouts if the pitcher is any good and lots of hit-by-pitches and walks if he’s not.
Yes umpires, with the competence ranging from non existent to pretty good. Today’s well represented the low end of the range.
If I started a rec league of ANY sport, my ad would definitely read “No competitive types, our doctors just told us to get some exercise, for crying out loud!”
We played slow-pitch baseball on weekend mornings in college. We never had enough people to field two teams, so we’d just have people bat and then once they’d gotten out or gone around the bases they would rotate out with people in the field. Never kept score (the only way would be to keep your own individual batting stats) and the objective was to serve up meatball pitches and everybody was way too hungover for things to get competitive. It was fun.
Right!! Once you’re past 35 or so, the best part about sports is the involuntary smile that comes across your face once you receive your first pass of whatever game you’re playing. Because it makes you act like a kid again, and I’m no doctor but that HAS to release some good endorphins into the old bloodstream.
If this is the way these matches are going to be officiated, just create the Super League and get these blood money teams the fuck out of here. Watching the officials being forced to bumble their way into producing “victories” for these teams is nauseating to watch and listen to.
“I was only doing my job. Just what I was instructed to do. Making sure that the Lakers win. I was only following orders, not like a Nazi, mind you.”
-Dick Bevatta and Bob Delaney, responding to comments about their calls regarding the Sacramento Kings getting robbed in 2001.
Sunday Gravy made Hippo stop by Biscuitville on the way back from office run (3 sausage biscuits, nuthin fancy). Such wonderful, evocative writing. No wonder yeah right’s Cherries are safely On the Beach.
I’m totally guessing here but I’d wager that the residents of Biscuitville have a higher BMI than the national average.
Waddling Toward Ecstacy
Mouth Wide Open
Wait till next week! You were part of the inspiration.
I haven’t been there in 16 years. Good memories.
Growing up, they were only in and around Randolph County (Asheboro), but I loved early Wolven Sort kickoffs, because we could get Biscuitville on the way up from Charlotte.
Breakfast has always been my weakest suit. Albert Burneko’s old Foodspin pieces were invaluable to me in my early married days. Sunday Gravy has been such a fantastic progression in terms of broadening my food tastes. The combination of Albert’s columns, my kitchen employment history, and the advent of Amazon.com and international food markets popping up everywhere allow me to really attack any Sunday Gravy recipe that interests me with no fear. And your encouraging tone and excellent complimentary prose/photo work make for a really high first-time success rate for me. Thanks as always for all your hard work, my brother. A pleasure to read!
I liked Albert’s stuff too. But Yeah Right is bettah! I am not a baker, but I’m going to try this muffin recipe.
Albert was so good at the most basic of basics. I’ll always remember his description of the proper way to ask guests if they’d like cheese on their burger at a cookout. I remain eternally furious at everyone responsible for Deadspin & it’s archives disappearing into the ether.
Albert and I would tear it up on DUAN (Deadspin Up All Night) for a period of time (before he became a featured writer) just after that huge purge of commenters was done. Do you remember Eddie Murray Sparkles, Scientific Mapp or Mark Kelso’s Migraine?
Just Eddie Murray Sparkles.
All of the above. I was a huge fucking fanboy of you guys. It wasn’t just the quality of the humor, it was the SPEED. The summer of the Commenter Contest was the best.
Definitely remember Scientific Mapp.
It’s so easy and the muffins are immaculate. You can do it!
Thank you my friend. Kind words indeed. I just love doing this. It’s in my blood.
Good win. Lord Rhodes will surely add a 5 minute break to the 3 minutes he already allows his miners ever 12 hours. Perhaps even throw in a swig of clean water.
There’s no such thing as clean water in Rhodesia!
One point ahead with a game in hand? I’ll take it.
/because I’m also a fan of some other teams that will not be mentioned, I think there’s a disappointing tie in Man City’s future.
Cavanaugh’s done a shit job reffing this match.
Happy to see Trossard in, although I would have taken out Jesus rather than Martinelli.
Partey less so; he’s been off lately.
I have to say I’m genuinely surprised Arsenal is doing this well at Newcastle.
Same. Honestly I expected more out of Newcastle; aside from that initial burst, and especially in the second half, they’ve done little more than play thug ball.
Judas Iscariot nods approvingly
That was huge!!
(Horatio dwarf joke goes -HERE-)
I’ve been up since 0430 waiting for my Caesar delivery, guess I’m gonna get a nap since it didn’t show
Lucky, the Little Caesar’s in my area don’t open until 8!
I’ll wager 5 quid that Arsenal gets the first yellow card in this match.
Despite Newcastle acting like they’re owned by a bunch of people used to getting away with murder and dismemb…oh. wait.
Reporter: “How does it feel, being a queen?”
Camilla: “I feel like a turtle in some ways.”
Reporter: “Umm, could you expand on that?”
Camilla: “Slow and steady wins the race. I’M THE QUEEN, ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKING HATERS!!!” [throws middle fingers in the air]
Reporter: [to the producer] “We may have to cut part of that response out.”
Homewrecking sluts everywhere feel vindicated!
*Palacewrecking
Arsenal’s been pretty much outplayed the whole way and should probably be up 5-2 at this point. I’m sure none of those missed opportunities are going to come back and bite them in the ass over the next 40+ minutes.
Well, that’s certainly a but against the run of play, inn’it?
That’s not a handball, although it certainly looked like one initially. Hits his thigh first.
If the penalty stands Arsenal fans will scream about VAR. If the penalty is revoked, Newcastle fans will scream about VAR.
Like Nigeria, VAR is a land of contrasts. And also can never win.
Found a funny:
Dr. Mrs. LLL and I were looking for party favors for little LLL’s birthday party next Sunday.
Dr. Mrs. LLL: “Oh no, the old lady who sold the great favor bags on Etsy kicked the bucket.”
Little LLL: “If kicking buckets is so dangerous for old people, why do they ever have them in their houses?”
Enjoying the announcers talking about how fast Newcastle have come up while ignoring what it is that has made it financially possible for Newcastle to come up that fast.
“Horatio usually only comes down, not up like Newscastle.”
-The Sex Dwarf
Their dedicated fan base?
I’m sure she’d do great in Riyadh!
You should see the flights into Riyadh. All of these good looking Asian and Eastern European women dressed like they are clubbing board the plane. In flight, and certainly before landing they visit the rest room and burka up. It’s a trip man.
I’m not sure. She likes pretty difficult to saw.
Next week, on a very special Sunday Gravy: After shrink-wrapping his own meat, (mental note, are we not doing phrasing anymore?), Yeah Right travels to the grocery store to do his own shelf-stocking.
“IT GOES MEAT, CHEESE, THEN BREAD!!! WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND!?!?”
“There ain’t no ‘Mc’ in my muffin!”
-This is also something that Colin Farrell’s ex-wife can now say.
“See these muffins!” is also how Camilla stole Charles from Di.
Sausage muffins are even delicious in microwaved frozen form, so this must be off-the-charts good!
With both left feet no less…
Man you just talked me into breakfast for dinner tonight. And you should be proud of those muffins Buddy, they turned out spectacular, and are a lot easier to make then I would have thought.
Buona Dominica tutti!