Monday Morning Mock Draft: Wait, What?

I was watching ‘Heat’ last night.  Great movie, until you start to think about what’s going on and that not much of it makes sense.  Take Waingro, for instance.  After he kills that hooker the forensics specialist tells Pacino’s character that she’ll bet when they get the semen sample the DNA will match several other similar killings.  A little later we see Waingro in a bar talking about how he just got out of jail, Pelican Bay specifically.  You do not go to Pelican Bay for unpaid traffic tickets; they almost certainly would have Waingro’s DNA on file.  But never mind that; it’s a great heist film and it doesn’t have to make a ton of sense.

The ending, however, is terrible.  De Niro’s character suddenly chucks all his carefully laid escape plans to the side and goes charging into a hotel to kill the aforementioned Waingro, when he has to know it’s a set up?  Instead of running away from Pacino he lays in wait for him while standing up in a field periodically subjected to very bright lights!?  Chris gets away because the cops don’t recognize him because he got a haircut!?  The stepdaughter tries to kill herself at Pacino’s place, which is a hotel he only just mentioned he was going to a few minutes before!?  What the fuck?  What happened to my cool heist movie!?

Anyway, this got me thinking about other forms of entertainment that ended badly, and that leads to this weeks mock draft topic:  Things That Ended Badly.  Rules are simple:  Any form of fiction is eligible, so long as it ends.

Yes, Mr. Hutz, that means The Never-Ending Story is not eligible.

Other than that if you don’t like the ending you can draft.  A point of clarification it has to be the actual ending.  You can’t draft, for instance, the last season of Game of Thrones, but you could, and someone almost certainly will, draft the actual ending.

With the first pick I am taking Heat.  I believe my reasons above are clear.  The rest of you are on the clock.

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scotchnaut

How could I have forgotten? Man, did Ren and Stimpy nosedive off a precipice after Kricfalusi(?) was kicked off the show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-c0jcOsLeg&ab_channel=bluehawk84

scotchnaut

I may have said, “You sick little monkey!” for at least a decade after seeing that episode.

/was it The Simpsons that made fun of Ren and Stimpy for not being able to deliver their season 3 episodes on time?

WCS

comment image

Nothing about Ren & Stimpy’s behind-the-scenes is pleasant.

Last edited 1 year ago by WCS
scotchnaut

Just read an overview about the doc made about the show. Of course there was under-age sex involved. Goddamit!

/my takeaway back then was that every cartoon made afterwards bore marks of Ren and Stimpy. It’s influence was extraordinary.

WCS

Nothing about Ren & Stimpy’s behind-the-scenes is pleasant.

WCS

Bonesaws taking their talents to the Continent next year.

Redshirt

The Dark Knight. I don’t care if it’s a great movie. The ending makes no sense. Batman has to take the fall for Harvey Dent’s murders or else the mobsters will be let out of jail and “the people will lose hope”.

Must have missed the part where a matter of law is nullified by the actions of the district attorney, but back to the second topic. “The people will lose hope”, a distant cousin of Star Wars’ “she’s lost the will to live”, just jumps me out of the mob. They live in Gotham, so they already have much hope to begin with. Also, even in the middle of a psychotic breakdown, he only killed bad guys (minus the kid, but in the comics, he deserved it). Plus, knowing the cops put faith in a masked vigilante who ended up killing people doesn’t bode well in the faith keeping department.

BugEyedBoo

Wandavision. The Scarlet Witch kidnapped an entire town, and at the end she was, “Shit, sorry. Just having a bad day I guess,” and pretty much everybody who’s anybody in the MCU says, “Yeah, I know how it is.”

ETA: granted, the powers that be might have said, “She was kicking Thanos’ ass barehanded until they dropped a rocket on her head. Do you want to arrest her?”

Last edited 1 year ago by BugEyedBoo
Redshirt

Extended to Dr. Strange 2. “Whoops. I killed a entire generation of sorcerers and a top pantheon of an alternate reality’s heroes because I wanted to be a mommy.” “It happens.”

scotchnaut

Not sure if anyone has read Henning Mankell’s “Kurt Wallander” series of books but the ending of his last book The Troubled Man was irritating. Apparently he introduced the character with the thought of turning the focus towards Wallander’s daughter but his audience/publisher wanted more books about the father and reading between the lines, Mankell seemed annoyed with this so he churned out 10(?) books and that last novel on the last few pages was something of a ‘Fuck you, you’re not getting any more Kurt Wallander books” in no uncertain terms.

King Hippo

very true, and I loved that series

scotchnaut

I did as well and it could be argued that the ending was in line with the stark realism employed throughout the series but I feel differently.

King Hippo

I may be out of “dark Scandinavian detective fiction” series, and it is more depressing than the weight of those novels combined.

scotchnaut

I may have found another guy by the name of Antti Toumainen-he’s well-regarded and noted for crime novels and black humour. I have The Rabbit Factor and The Man Who Died on the way.

King Hippo

ah! I see now that I have indeed read (and enjoyed) The Man Who Died. Then, I just forgot to order MOAR (remedied today)

Game Time Decision

The TV series is pretty good

scotchnaut

I think I’ve seen a few of them. Is it “Young Wallander”?

Game Time Decision

There’s both, not seen the young one, only the one where he’s old

BugEyedBoo
scotchnaut

Well, thanks for sending me down that ABK rabbit hole.

Redshirt

The Last Jedi. Questionable plot choices aside, ending the movie with a quiet scene some no name background stableboy character not involved in the story and will never be seen again instead of a last shot of our heroes escaping to fight another day, is the film equivalent of tripping one foot from the finish line while running at full sprint.

BugEyedBoo

You’re gonna make me watch it again, but wasn’t Johnson trying to do a couple of things: say that ‘Anybody Could Be A Jedi’, and not rip off Empire Strikes Back. But the studio threw out item #1, and really wouldn’t have cared about item #2.

You’re absolutely right, though, in that everyone getting the hell out of Dodge is a good ending, and fits better with the next movie.

Redshirt

It was either that or Light Side and Dark Side isn’t right, only the Force matters. I don’t really know. All I know is he was trying to say something profound; just can’t figure out what.

King Hippo

Pretty Woman

I was watching that as a high school senior, with my coed group of friends. I said, as Richard “Gerbil Man” Gere climbed the trellis…wouldn’t be awesome if he looked down, got dizzy, fell and died?

This might have been the closest I have come to being murdered. And I am a very annoying man.

Gumbygirl

The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy is in gloriously technicolor Oz, where she is treated like a princess, surrounded by the best friends she will ever have, and she goes back to KANSAS‽ It was nice to know you, Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, but I’m staying here, thanksandgodbless.

BugEyedBoo

It was all a dream. Or…was it?

scotchnaut

That also applies to the ending of Grease and St. Elsewhere.

WCS
scotchnaut

Damn, how could I have missed that one?

Gumbygirl

It was real to me, dammit!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– Trent Green, defending the two-hour conversation he had with his teakettle yesterday

Don T

My biopsy result

Don T

Jk🤪

King Hippo

That is some GOOD MONDAY HUMOUR HUSTLE!!

Don T

“result” was unneceh 😤

King Hippo

Whether you count the promised Season Three that never became reality, or the dreadful “wrapup” movie abortion…Deadwood was two seasons of perfection and an F- ending.

Game Time Decision

The walking dead. I stopped after that Negan episode so not sure about the rest of the series, but most peeps I know stopped then too. No amount of the Talking dead was going to make that better

Senor Weaselo

Is it even over yet?

WCS

It “ended” in the sense Law & Order did. There are going to be about 34 spin-off Walking Dead shows and webseries.

King Hippo

WIll Ice Muthafuckin’ T be in one or more of them?

WCS

I think the real question is when, not if, the Walking Dead/Fast & Furious series make their cross-over.

LemonJello

There’s a draft idea: take 2 franchises and make a cross over.

King Hippo

Is there a “Fast and the Furriest” porn parody series already?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If so, why haven’t balls and redshirt reviewed it together?

BugEyedBoo

Pretty sure the show is over, but they’re bringing back Rick Grimes in a spinoff.

eta: show, not season.

Last edited 1 year ago by BugEyedBoo
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Stripes. Really, the entire back half is bad.

Which really is a testament to how good the first half is, since it’s a classic

scotchnaut

Remember back when there was ‘appointment television’? Twin Peaks was that for me-that first season was so inventive and the second started off alright but jesus, there were so many writers with their hands in the pie towards the end you had no clue what plot point was relevant and needed to be developed or if it was a dead end. What a mess.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Twin_Peaks_episodes

BugEyedBoo

Oh man, I had forgotten about Twin Peaks. You’re absolutely right – the first season was awesome, and the second season was so bad that I stopped watching it after two episodes.

Game Time Decision

Most Stephen King novels, where the end is nothing like 99% of the book so far and it’s some fucking magical ending. Looking at the literal hand of God in the stand and a fucking UFO in tommyknockers as just a few examples. And think it’s below but the gunslinger series and its fucking novellas and 25 years between books is another example. I won’t read another of his books knowingly

scotchnaut

The Stand turned me off King way back when. I’ve never gone back.

BugEyedBoo

I thought it was an awesome book when I read it in high school. His unexpurgated version, not so much.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, I was fine with the edited version. The extra 200 pages really didn’t add anything of substance.

yeah right

I still say the only good ending he ever wrote he wrote using a pen name.

The end of The Running Man, (story not movie, hated the movie) was the only time he ever nailed an ending.

BugEyedBoo

The Tommyknockers was fucking horrible. I think it might have been one of the books that King said he didn’t remember writing because of too much cocaine and booze.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Out of a sense of solidarity and for no other reason, I won’t read any of Stephen King’s books either.” – Lea Michele

Last edited 1 year ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Senor Weaselo

First pick: Interstellar. You can tell exactly when they run out of science because the last 30 minutes are just cop-outs.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I would have drafted this movie just on principle alone but I shut it off after the first planet when they failed to realize that the “status reports” were just one single status report repeating itself because the signal was orbiting or some such. CHECK THE FUCKING TIMESTAMP, PEOPLE, IT’S LIKE YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF METADATA BEFORE.

King Hippo

Barry – even though I haven’t seen the actual finale yet, this season has been the wettest of wet farts.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If Horatio is being pedantic about a movie I haven’t seen (which is fine) then I’ll take Jurassic Park. The first one was outstanding. The second, fine. Everything after that never should have happened. Make it stop.

BugEyedBoo

You could make an argument that Jurassic Park’s Deus ex Tyrannosaurus ending kind of sucks.

BugEyedBoo

I was gonna pick that, but I wasn’t sure if three whole seasons of suck counted as an ‘ending’.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…just to see how many more fully-loaded gasoline trucks they would smash into the already existing rubble.

I did this one time in Grand Theft Auto…5, I think? Just piled up a bunch of smashed cars and trucks and police officer corpses at the exit of a tunnel and stood back and watched the carnage.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I didn’t watch it, but if the bear didn’t eat Leo in the Revenant, then that’s my pick.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m saying it should have ended with Leo getting eaten…

scotchnaut

My first pick will be by a Pats fan and it will involve the year 2007.

Redshirt

1984 All Valley Under 18 Karate Tournament Final. Even if the kick glanced the opponent’s chest before hitting the face, it was still an extreme and deliberate contact that warranted a no point and warning at best and a disqualification at worst.

Redshirt

But to the show’s credit, it representation of schools’ reaction to bullying is 100% accurate.

BugEyedBoo

My daughter took Tae Kwon Do as a kid, and we went to a ‘national’ (more like regional actually) tournament. We watched the grownup sparring competition waiting for her age division’s turn, and one dojo competing there was full-blown Cobra Kai. Nobody got full-blown knocked out by these guys, but a lot of their opponents got their bells rung pretty good.

Last edited 1 year ago by BugEyedBoo
WCS

Signs

Unless there is ABSOLTELY NO OTHER PLANET in the galaxy that can support their life, the aliens’ plan was to invade one that is literally 71% covered by the substance that is categorically lethal to them? Your scouting teams are fucking awful, decision making is trash, and your species deserves to die out.

Either that, or it’s bad writing. Either way, I was done with M. Night after this and “Unbreakable.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You know what else had a terrible ending?

comment image

WCS

YES GOOD THIS WHERE I AND SIGNS BELONG

WCS

If the smoldering embers of my first marriage are any indication, I’m excellent at destroying myself.

Game Time Decision

And how do they explain being able to survive on a humid day or if it rains

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You could come up with a tortured explanation that they came from a planet where pure water is basically unheard of (because it doesn’t ever rain, or freeze) and thus water that’s not already saturated with some kind of solute is like acid to them (and also impossible for them to conceive of occurring naturally), but why bother no YOU spent too much time thinking about this.

Last edited 1 year ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Game Time Decision

The end of Dexter, fuck that was bad

King Hippo

The last 3 or so seasons, really

Senor Weaselo

But especially the last season!

King Hippo

I stopped after they introduced the “stepsibling incest fantasies” storyline, but I heard/read about the last season and HOLY SHIT

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

With his first round selection, Eli Manning has selected “Marley & Me”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. Ocean’s Twelve. All that dancing around simply to be resolved by a *flashback* to the real heist? Boo!

scotchnaut

Cannonball 2. The ending was cliched and there was no Adrienne Barbeau cleavage in it like the first one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1oyj7CQ4Ks&ab_channel=PaulMorgan

litre_cola

Houston 500 had about 500 sad endings.

Redshirt

“Redshirt in bed.” – my ex-girlfriend

scotchnaut

Well, Horatio did ask for fictional sources…

LemonJello

“Huh? I heard ‘roasted’ and came as soon as I finished my pre-elevensies side of beef!”
-A. Reid

BugEyedBoo

Spider-Man: No Way Home. For me, the ending just felt like some kind of scheme on Sony’s part to split Spider-Man away from the MCU without totally rebooting Spider-Man for the fourth time.

scotchnaut

I remember rolling my eyes when I heard the character’s names while watching Angel Heart. Deniro, wearing red and having sharp fingernails, introduces himself as Louis Cypher. The detective was Harry Angel and his love interest Lisa Bonet’s first name is Epiphany. Just hit me over my English Lit head, why don’t you? The ‘twist’ ending-that Angel is the guy that the devil has asked him to look for-was a train that you could see slowly coming from miles and miles away.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fortunately, I was young enough when I saw that movie that none of those things occurred to me. I still can’t believe my parents were so irresponsible.

yeah right

The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Not the 17 different fake endings from the movies, although that deserves consideration. The ending of the books. All that shit these guys go through only to have the Shire trashed when they get home?

BugEyedBoo

I thought that the ending was to show that Sam, Merry, and Pippin had gained a level in Badass.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Midnight Library. I both really liked it and thought the ending was a total fucking copout.

Dunstan

The Battlestar Galactica 2000s series.

LemonJello

Seconded.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh God yes.

King Hippo

Better Call Saul

Go ahead, FIGHT ME. The entire arc of the last episode (maybe 2-3) made square root of fuckall sense, nor was it satisfying for the dark humoUr enthusiast.

Carol Burnett was awesome, though.

Redshirt

Star Trek: Enterprise.

“Okay, everyone. We’ve finished the 4th season strong with really good episodes. Makes me almost regret spending our 2nd season all about Earth’s first interstellar war that nearly destroyed the planet Earth which was so epic that it was never brought up in any of the other series and, as the Network Executive said, probably rarely ever in any future Star Trek series or films. But, alas, we’re being cancelled.

For our last episode, I see two options. We can either create a flashforward coda episode, about the founding of the Federation, end all the stories we couldn’t finish and maybe include a cameo about the TOS uniforms. Or we can have the story based all around a TNG episode that everyone already forgot about, reduce the main characters to plot devices, talk about how awesome the Founding Keynote Speech is but not show it, resolve an TNG episode that was already resolved whilst make Riker look like an idiot in the process and ruin both our series and an above-average TNG episode.

Ladies and Gentleman. I think we all agree on the only choice we have here.”

BugEyedBoo

Neal Stephenson’s books don’t have endings, they just stop.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Did you read Fall (or Dodge in Hell)? I’d have been a lot happier if he’d ended that after, I don’t know, fifteen pages.

BugEyedBoo

Seveneves bumped Stephenson off my ‘must read’ list. A lot of folks were saying about Fall, “This book kind of sucks,” so I decided to take a pass.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It most certainly did kind of suck.

litre_cola

Every fucking Dan Brown book. Dude is a phenomenal writer until about 15 pages left then he ties it up in a little bow. Fucking hell buddy jumped out of a helicopter and fashioned a parachute, then landed no problem?

Fuck you Dan Brown.

scotchnaut

That’s the moment I said, “Mr. Brown, you’ll not get another dime out of me”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.” – Mike Brown

LemonJello

“All this talk of nickels and dimes, you got any spare change?”
-J. Tomsula, a CSX railyard near you

scotchnaut

The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich by William L. Shirer-you mean to tell me that the central character, when things get a wee bit hot, shoots himself? That ending could have been written by an 8th-grader.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I hated it too. Such a downer of an ending.” – Stephen Miller

scotchnaut

The Decagon House Murders is a salute to/ripoff of that ‘closed room mystery’ concept. It’s equally disappointing.

Senor Weaselo

The pedant in me wants to take “And Then There Were None” for title reasoning.

scotchnaut

It was originally your title but she changed it once the racism was pointed out to her.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Godfather III. Fuuuuck you.

Senor Weaselo

I’d say the ending was the only part that was good!

Namely the Michael losing it, and later on dying, and the Intermezzo from Cavalleria rusticana. Not the rest of it.

yeah right

The Gunslinger.

Horatio can cosign I’m sure.

blaxabbath

I’m still trying to find time to lurge myself through Book #2. Should I be bailing?

yeah right

No. It’s worth it.

scotchnaut

How about “The Aliens Hate Water” movie. That substance that is lethal to us? Let’s sally on over to a planet that is 70% covered with the stuff. Sounds like a decision that was made by a committee. And no one on earth figured it out? C’mon!

/Signs, btw

BugEyedBoo

My wife and I went to see Signs with a bunch of her coworkers. They liked it, and I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to annoy her coworkers. But it was fucking horrible.

Last edited 1 year ago by BugEyedBoo
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Good filmmaking, bad writing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. Lost. Not a fan but can’t pass up this kind of value.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

By which I mean that I wasn’t really a fan of the show so I wasn’t particularly broken by the ending, but I know a lot of other folks were so I’m snatching this because it’s Grade A trade bait.

BugEyedBoo

A coworker swore that he would never spend a dime on anything with JJ Abrams’ name on it, ever, because of the ending of Lost.

Redshirt

“How I Met Your Mother”. Spend 8.917 seasons building up the Mother, showing Ted and Robin are better as friends, and setting up Barney and Robin as an ideal Beta Couple, only to shove mommy in the fridge and pair Ted and Robin because why the hell not.

ballsofsteelandfury

Next pick: John Wick 4.

Again. John Wick should not die. Ever.

Redshirt

Yeah, its a shame they never made any sequels to “John Wick”. Another to add to the “What If” pile, like any hypothetical sequels to “Police Academy”, “The Matrix” and “The Blues Brothers”.

Sharkbait

Game of Thrones. You know you fucked up badly when people were openly talking about not re-watching your show during global pandemic lockdowns.

BugEyedBoo

My wife is rewatching it for the fifth time. She likes rewatching stuff because then it doesn’t bother her when she dozes off in front of it.

BugEyedBoo

GoT has this on multiple levels. S8 sucks, the last episode sucks, and the end of the last episode sucks. A Russian doll of suckage.

BugEyedBoo

That’s true. It goes to hell in a hurry after that, though.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Sopranos

Fuck You, it was just bad

BrettFavresColonoscopy

(the ending)

ballsofsteelandfury

Journey was a bad choice.

Sharkbait

At the rate we’re going? America.

LemonJello

Horatio said fiction, not…oh you’re probably right.

Redshirt

There’s no way this is reality. The Universe isn’t that fucked up. Objection Overruled.

ballsofsteelandfury

This whole post should have spoiler alert on it as a tag but here goes:

No Time To Die.

James Bond should not die. Ever. Bullshit ending.

Sharkbait

What the hell? That IS a bullshit ending.

Redshirt

The only way it makes sense, if it they promote the theory that “James Bond” is a code name and the next movie is the origin story of the next “James Bond”, turning him into a legacy character and turning every other James Bond story into the same canon.

BugEyedBoo

Daniel Craig and Léa Hélène Seydoux-Fornier de Clausonne have exactly zero chemistry in that movie.

scotchnaut

The Forgotten will always stand out for me. Julianne Moore swears she has a kid and after stumbling through 90 minutes, demands to aliens that they give her kid back. The kid is returned and she’s had a memory wipe. What the bananafuck was that?

/Oh. Yeah. #spoileralert