I was watching ‘Heat’ last night. Great movie, until you start to think about what’s going on and that not much of it makes sense. Take Waingro, for instance. After he kills that hooker the forensics specialist tells Pacino’s character that she’ll bet when they get the semen sample the DNA will match several other similar killings. A little later we see Waingro in a bar talking about how he just got out of jail, Pelican Bay specifically. You do not go to Pelican Bay for unpaid traffic tickets; they almost certainly would have Waingro’s DNA on file. But never mind that; it’s a great heist film and it doesn’t have to make a ton of sense.
The ending, however, is terrible. De Niro’s character suddenly chucks all his carefully laid escape plans to the side and goes charging into a hotel to kill the aforementioned Waingro, when he has to know it’s a set up? Instead of running away from Pacino he lays in wait for him while standing up in a field periodically subjected to very bright lights!? Chris gets away because the cops don’t recognize him because he got a haircut!? The stepdaughter tries to kill herself at Pacino’s place, which is a hotel he only just mentioned he was going to a few minutes before!? What the fuck? What happened to my cool heist movie!?
Anyway, this got me thinking about other forms of entertainment that ended badly, and that leads to this weeks mock draft topic: Things That Ended Badly. Rules are simple: Any form of fiction is eligible, so long as it ends.
Yes, Mr. Hutz, that means The Never-Ending Story is not eligible.
Other than that if you don’t like the ending you can draft. A point of clarification it has to be the actual ending. You can’t draft, for instance, the last season of Game of Thrones, but you could, and someone almost certainly will, draft the actual ending.
With the first pick I am taking Heat. I believe my reasons above are clear. The rest of you are on the clock.
How could I have forgotten? Man, did Ren and Stimpy nosedive off a precipice after Kricfalusi(?) was kicked off the show.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-c0jcOsLeg&ab_channel=bluehawk84
I may have said, “You sick little monkey!” for at least a decade after seeing that episode.
/was it The Simpsons that made fun of Ren and Stimpy for not being able to deliver their season 3 episodes on time?
Nothing about Ren & Stimpy’s behind-the-scenes is pleasant.
Just read an overview about the doc made about the show. Of course there was under-age sex involved. Goddamit!
/my takeaway back then was that every cartoon made afterwards bore marks of Ren and Stimpy. It’s influence was extraordinary.
Nothing about Ren & Stimpy’s behind-the-scenes is pleasant.
Bonesaws taking their talents to the Continent next year.
The Dark Knight. I don’t care if it’s a great movie. The ending makes no sense. Batman has to take the fall for Harvey Dent’s murders or else the mobsters will be let out of jail and “the people will lose hope”.
Must have missed the part where a matter of law is nullified by the actions of the district attorney, but back to the second topic. “The people will lose hope”, a distant cousin of Star Wars’ “she’s lost the will to live”, just jumps me out of the mob. They live in Gotham, so they already have much hope to begin with. Also, even in the middle of a psychotic breakdown, he only killed bad guys (minus the kid, but in the comics, he deserved it). Plus, knowing the cops put faith in a masked vigilante who ended up killing people doesn’t bode well in the faith keeping department.
Wandavision. The Scarlet Witch kidnapped an entire town, and at the end she was, “Shit, sorry. Just having a bad day I guess,” and pretty much everybody who’s anybody in the MCU says, “Yeah, I know how it is.”
ETA: granted, the powers that be might have said, “She was kicking Thanos’ ass barehanded until they dropped a rocket on her head. Do you want to arrest her?”
Extended to Dr. Strange 2. “Whoops. I killed a entire generation of sorcerers and a top pantheon of an alternate reality’s heroes because I wanted to be a mommy.” “It happens.”
Not sure if anyone has read Henning Mankell’s “Kurt Wallander” series of books but the ending of his last book The Troubled Man was irritating. Apparently he introduced the character with the thought of turning the focus towards Wallander’s daughter but his audience/publisher wanted more books about the father and reading between the lines, Mankell seemed annoyed with this so he churned out 10(?) books and that last novel on the last few pages was something of a ‘Fuck you, you’re not getting any more Kurt Wallander books” in no uncertain terms.
very true, and I loved that series
I did as well and it could be argued that the ending was in line with the stark realism employed throughout the series but I feel differently.
I may be out of “dark Scandinavian detective fiction” series, and it is more depressing than the weight of those novels combined.
I may have found another guy by the name of Antti Toumainen-he’s well-regarded and noted for crime novels and black humour. I have The Rabbit Factor and The Man Who Died on the way.
ah! I see now that I have indeed read (and enjoyed) The Man Who Died. Then, I just forgot to order MOAR (remedied today)
The TV series is pretty good
I think I’ve seen a few of them. Is it “Young Wallander”?
There’s both, not seen the young one, only the one where he’s old
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-OOpZitfd0
Well, thanks for sending me down that ABK rabbit hole.
The Last Jedi. Questionable plot choices aside, ending the movie with a quiet scene some no name background stableboy character not involved in the story and will never be seen again instead of a last shot of our heroes escaping to fight another day, is the film equivalent of tripping one foot from the finish line while running at full sprint.
You’re gonna make me watch it again, but wasn’t Johnson trying to do a couple of things: say that ‘Anybody Could Be A Jedi’, and not rip off Empire Strikes Back. But the studio threw out item #1, and really wouldn’t have cared about item #2.
You’re absolutely right, though, in that everyone getting the hell out of Dodge is a good ending, and fits better with the next movie.
It was either that or Light Side and Dark Side isn’t right, only the Force matters. I don’t really know. All I know is he was trying to say something profound; just can’t figure out what.
Pretty Woman
I was watching that as a high school senior, with my coed group of friends. I said, as Richard “Gerbil Man” Gere climbed the trellis…wouldn’t be awesome if he looked down, got dizzy, fell and died?
This might have been the closest I have come to being murdered. And I am a very annoying man.
The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy is in gloriously technicolor Oz, where she is treated like a princess, surrounded by the best friends she will ever have, and she goes back to KANSAS‽ It was nice to know you, Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, but I’m staying here, thanksandgodbless.
It was all a dream. Or…was it?
That also applies to the ending of Grease and St. Elsewhere.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTZ7lVT7b-Q&ab_channel=ThEwAvEsHaPa
Newhart Show!
Damn, how could I have missed that one?
It was real to me, dammit!
– Trent Green, defending the two-hour conversation he had with his teakettle yesterday
My biopsy result
Jk🤪
That is some GOOD MONDAY HUMOUR HUSTLE!!
“result” was unneceh 😤
Whether you count the promised Season Three that never became reality, or the dreadful “wrapup” movie abortion…Deadwood was two seasons of perfection and an F- ending.
The walking dead. I stopped after that Negan episode so not sure about the rest of the series, but most peeps I know stopped then too. No amount of the Talking dead was going to make that better
NAWT a pick, since that’s not the actual end of the series. That said I was out of that train wreck after whatever season it was that they shot up the barn full of zombies.
Is it even over yet?
I think it ended, but not 100% sure. The only thing I know from social media is that it keeps going and no one seems to like it.
It “ended” in the sense Law & Order did. There are going to be about 34 spin-off Walking Dead shows and webseries.
WIll Ice Muthafuckin’ T be in one or more of them?
I think the real question is when, not if, the Walking Dead/Fast & Furious series make their cross-over.
There’s a draft idea: take 2 franchises and make a cross over.
Is there a “Fast and the Furriest” porn parody series already?
If so, why haven’t balls and redshirt reviewed it together?
Pretty sure the show is over, but they’re bringing back Rick Grimes in a spinoff.
eta: show, not season.
Stripes. Really, the entire back half is bad.
Which really is a testament to how good the first half is, since it’s a classic
Remember back when there was ‘appointment television’? Twin Peaks was that for me-that first season was so inventive and the second started off alright but jesus, there were so many writers with their hands in the pie towards the end you had no clue what plot point was relevant and needed to be developed or if it was a dead end. What a mess.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Twin_Peaks_episodes
Oh man, I had forgotten about Twin Peaks. You’re absolutely right – the first season was awesome, and the second season was so bad that I stopped watching it after two episodes.
Most Stephen King novels, where the end is nothing like 99% of the book so far and it’s some fucking magical ending. Looking at the literal hand of God in the stand and a fucking UFO in tommyknockers as just a few examples. And think it’s below but the gunslinger series and its fucking novellas and 25 years between books is another example. I won’t read another of his books knowingly
The Stand turned me off King way back when. I’ve never gone back.
I thought it was an awesome book when I read it in high school. His unexpurgated version, not so much.
Yeah, I was fine with the edited version. The extra 200 pages really didn’t add anything of substance.
I still say the only good ending he ever wrote he wrote using a pen name.
The end of The Running Man, (story not movie, hated the movie) was the only time he ever nailed an ending.
His short stories end much, much better.
The worst thing that ever happened for King’s writing was his getting so wildly successful that he could tell his editors to fuck off. Something that I’m sure keeps him up at night on his bed made of money in his house built out of money.
The Tommyknockers was fucking horrible. I think it might have been one of the books that King said he didn’t remember writing because of too much cocaine and booze.
“Out of a sense of solidarity and for no other reason, I won’t read any of Stephen King’s books either.” – Lea Michele
First pick: Interstellar. You can tell exactly when they run out of science because the last 30 minutes are just cop-outs.
I would have drafted this movie just on principle alone but I shut it off after the first planet when they failed to realize that the “status reports” were just one single status report repeating itself because the signal was orbiting or some such. CHECK THE FUCKING TIMESTAMP, PEOPLE, IT’S LIKE YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF METADATA BEFORE.
Barry – even though I haven’t seen the actual finale yet, this season has been the wettest of wet farts.
If Horatio is being pedantic about a movie I haven’t seen (which is fine) then I’ll take Jurassic Park. The first one was outstanding. The second, fine. Everything after that never should have happened. Make it stop.
You could make an argument that Jurassic Park’s Deus ex Tyrannosaurus ending kind of sucks.
I can’t believe I forgot this, as its the show that led to my becoming a regular over at Uproxx, before they went at #upforwhatever.
Sons Of Anarchy. Holy god. I think it went 6 seasons, maybe it was 7. Everything after Season 2, maybe Season 3 when they left Ireland, was just an increasingly awful car wreck. But say what you will, it was an entertaining car wreck and it kept you coming back every week just to see how many more fully-loaded gasoline trucks they would smash into the already existing rubble.
But the ending. I just…I just can’t. Jax, our anti-hero protagonist who’s ostensibly been struggling the whole series with his father’s legacy as the leader of the Sons of Anarchy biker gang, (he hadn’t been struggling with his since about Season 2, but whatever), having boxed himself into a corner by murdering a fellow gang member, (as one does), to cover up one of his increasingly stupid schemes, commits suicide by driving his motorcycle head-on, with his arms held out to his side as though he was crucified, into a truck labeled ‘Poppa’s Breads.’ Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus Christ.
Seriously.
And I forgot about the slow motion police chase behind him, the police chase that, you know, forgot to close off the highway and send some cops down from the other direction.
I was gonna pick that, but I wasn’t sure if three whole seasons of suck counted as an ‘ending’.
No one seems to be understanding that rule today anyway.
I did this one time in Grand Theft Auto…5, I think? Just piled up a bunch of smashed cars and trucks and police officer corpses at the exit of a tunnel and stood back and watched the carnage.
I didn’t watch it, but if the bear didn’t eat Leo in the Revenant, then that’s my pick.
My initial reaction is that’s not how the movie ends, so it’s not qualified, but the bear did set in motion an increasingly awful series of events for Leo that leads to his demise, so I’ll say “eh, whatever”
I’m saying it should have ended with Leo getting eaten…
Well, that’s a different draft, and probably not a bad idea. Pick a thing and here’s how it should have ended. Maybe not exactly a draft but a free for all open thread.
My first pick will be by a Pats fan and it will involve the year 2007.
1984 All Valley Under 18 Karate Tournament Final. Even if the kick glanced the opponent’s chest before hitting the face, it was still an extreme and deliberate contact that warranted a no point and warning at best and a disqualification at worst.
I believe this to be a valid point, and one repeatedly emphasized in Netflix’s ‘Cobra Kai,’ a show that works best when focusing on Johnny and worst when ignoring all of the felony assaults 3/4 of the kids in town are repeatedly committing.
But to the show’s credit, it representation of schools’ reaction to bullying is 100% accurate.
My daughter took Tae Kwon Do as a kid, and we went to a ‘national’ (more like regional actually) tournament. We watched the grownup sparring competition waiting for her age division’s turn, and one dojo competing there was full-blown Cobra Kai. Nobody got full-blown knocked out by these guys, but a lot of their opponents got their bells rung pretty good.
Signs
Unless there is ABSOLTELY NO OTHER PLANET in the galaxy that can support their life, the aliens’ plan was to invade one that is literally 71% covered by the substance that is categorically lethal to them? Your scouting teams are fucking awful, decision making is trash, and your species deserves to die out.
Either that, or it’s bad writing. Either way, I was done with M. Night after this and “Unbreakable.”
I did, however, like this ending
to WCS, Scotchy drafted this movie while calling it ‘The Aliens Hate Water’, so kind of a trap.
You know what else had a terrible ending?
YES GOOD THIS WHERE I AND SIGNS BELONG
Wow, you Blair Witched yourself in the replies. That’s hard to do!
If the smoldering embers of my first marriage are any indication, I’m excellent at destroying myself.
Well that certainly doesn’t bode well for what’s left of the Hapsburgs.
And how do they explain being able to survive on a humid day or if it rains
You could come up with a tortured explanation that they came from a planet where pure water is basically unheard of (because it doesn’t ever rain, or freeze) and thus water that’s not already saturated with some kind of solute is like acid to them (and also impossible for them to conceive of occurring naturally), but why bother no YOU spent too much time thinking about this.
The end of Dexter, fuck that was bad
I never watched the show so I wasn’t going to draft it, but I am stunned it lasted this long. That is a legendarily bad ending.
The last 3 or so seasons, really
But especially the last season!
I stopped after they introduced the “stepsibling incest fantasies” storyline, but I heard/read about the last season and HOLY SHIT
Not sure how many saw the show, it was pretty niche, but the last episode of ‘Preacher’ left me flat. It was sort of like they’d had a lot of fun with the characters but now we have 40 minutes to square things up with the comic and……go!
With his first round selection, Eli Manning has selected “Marley & Me”.
I was upset Owen Wilson didn’t die, but that holds true for most of his movies.
2. Ocean’s Twelve. All that dancing around simply to be resolved by a *flashback* to the real heist? Boo!
Cannonball 2. The ending was cliched and there was no Adrienne Barbeau cleavage in it like the first one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1oyj7CQ4Ks&ab_channel=PaulMorgan
Houston 500 had about 500 sad endings.
“Redshirt in bed.” – my ex-girlfriend
Well, Horatio did ask for fictional sources…
Boom, roasted!
“Huh? I heard ‘roasted’ and came as soon as I finished my pre-elevensies side of beef!”
-A. Reid
Spider-Man: No Way Home. For me, the ending just felt like some kind of scheme on Sony’s part to split Spider-Man away from the MCU without totally rebooting Spider-Man for the fourth time.
I remember rolling my eyes when I heard the character’s names while watching Angel Heart. Deniro, wearing red and having sharp fingernails, introduces himself as Louis Cypher. The detective was Harry Angel and his love interest Lisa Bonet’s first name is Epiphany. Just hit me over my English Lit head, why don’t you? The ‘twist’ ending-that Angel is the guy that the devil has asked him to look for-was a train that you could see slowly coming from miles and miles away.
I love this movie, but every single one of these points is valid.
Fortunately, I was young enough when I saw that movie that none of those things occurred to me. I still can’t believe my parents were so irresponsible.
The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Not the 17 different fake endings from the movies, although that deserves consideration. The ending of the books. All that shit these guys go through only to have the Shire trashed when they get home?
I thought that the ending was to show that Sam, Merry, and Pippin had gained a level in Badass.
In the end they fix the Shire and learn that the Ring was really the friends they made along the way. And also the Ring of Power that they destroyed. That too.
I’ve read that the ending was something Tolkien tacked on because he hated the way England was becoming more and more industrialized and destroying the countryside that he grew up in. I have no idea if this is true, but it’s fun to spread rumors.
The Midnight Library. I both really liked it and thought the ending was a total fucking copout.
The Battlestar Galactica 2000s series.
Seconded.
Oh God yes.
Better Call Saul
Go ahead, FIGHT ME. The entire arc of the last episode (maybe 2-3) made square root of fuckall sense, nor was it satisfying for the dark humoUr enthusiast.
Carol Burnett was awesome, though.
I am DQing this pick just because it is so, so wrong, except the part about Carol Burnett being awesome.
Star Trek: Enterprise.
“Okay, everyone. We’ve finished the 4th season strong with really good episodes. Makes me almost regret spending our 2nd season all about Earth’s first interstellar war that nearly destroyed the planet Earth which was so epic that it was never brought up in any of the other series and, as the Network Executive said, probably rarely ever in any future Star Trek series or films. But, alas, we’re being cancelled.
For our last episode, I see two options. We can either create a flashforward coda episode, about the founding of the Federation, end all the stories we couldn’t finish and maybe include a cameo about the TOS uniforms. Or we can have the story based all around a TNG episode that everyone already forgot about, reduce the main characters to plot devices, talk about how awesome the Founding Keynote Speech is but not show it, resolve an TNG episode that was already resolved whilst make Riker look like an idiot in the process and ruin both our series and an above-average TNG episode.
Ladies and Gentleman. I think we all agree on the only choice we have here.”
Neal Stephenson’s books don’t have endings, they just stop.
Did you read Fall (or Dodge in Hell)? I’d have been a lot happier if he’d ended that after, I don’t know, fifteen pages.
Seveneves bumped Stephenson off my ‘must read’ list. A lot of folks were saying about Fall, “This book kind of sucks,” so I decided to take a pass.
It most certainly did kind of suck.
Every fucking Dan Brown book. Dude is a phenomenal writer until about 15 pages left then he ties it up in a little bow. Fucking hell buddy jumped out of a helicopter and fashioned a parachute, then landed no problem?
Fuck you Dan Brown.
That’s the moment I said, “Mr. Brown, you’ll not get another dime out of me”.
“Wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.” – Mike Brown
“All this talk of nickels and dimes, you got any spare change?”
-J. Tomsula, a CSX railyard near you
The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich by William L. Shirer-you mean to tell me that the central character, when things get a wee bit hot, shoots himself? That ending could have been written by an 8th-grader.
“I hated it too. Such a downer of an ending.” – Stephen Miller
Agatha Christie’s ‘Ten Little Indians’, which was my first time with a good book where the ending comes out of nowhere because the author has withheld crucial information until the very end.
The Decagon House Murders is a salute to/ripoff of that ‘closed room mystery’ concept. It’s equally disappointing.
The pedant in me wants to take “And Then There Were None” for title reasoning.
Did I get the book wrong? I might have mixed those up.
It was originally your title but she changed it once the racism was pointed out to her.
I probably read one of my parents’ copies back in the 70’s, back when racism didn’t exist and all.
The Godfather III. Fuuuuck you.
Wasn’t just the ending of that movie that sucked. I paid to see that wreck in a theater, too.
I’d say the ending was the only part that was good!
Namely the Michael losing it, and later on dying, and the Intermezzo from Cavalleria rusticana. Not the rest of it.
The Gunslinger.
Horatio can cosign I’m sure.
100%. Would have been my next pick. Everything after ‘The Waste Lands’ gets progressively worse and the last book is just 1,000 pages of self-indulgent crap.
I’m still trying to find time to lurge myself through Book #2. Should I be bailing?
No. It’s worth it.
Read through The Waste Lands, the third one, then make yourself stop. It’s just going to go right off the fucking rails from there.
That’s a pun.
How about “The Aliens Hate Water” movie. That substance that is lethal to us? Let’s sally on over to a planet that is 70% covered with the stuff. Sounds like a decision that was made by a committee. And no one on earth figured it out? C’mon!
/Signs, btw
My wife and I went to see Signs with a bunch of her coworkers. They liked it, and I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to annoy her coworkers. But it was fucking horrible.
Good filmmaking, bad writing.
1. Lost. Not a fan but can’t pass up this kind of value.
By which I mean that I wasn’t really a fan of the show so I wasn’t particularly broken by the ending, but I know a lot of other folks were so I’m snatching this because it’s Grade A trade bait.
A coworker swore that he would never spend a dime on anything with JJ Abrams’ name on it, ever, because of the ending of Lost.
“How I Met Your Mother”. Spend 8.917 seasons building up the Mother, showing Ted and Robin are better as friends, and setting up Barney and Robin as an ideal Beta Couple, only to shove mommy in the fridge and pair Ted and Robin because why the hell not.
Next pick: John Wick 4.
Again. John Wick should not die. Ever.
Yeah, its a shame they never made any sequels to “John Wick”. Another to add to the “What If” pile, like any hypothetical sequels to “Police Academy”, “The Matrix” and “The Blues Brothers”.
Game of Thrones. You know you fucked up badly when people were openly talking about not re-watching your show during global pandemic lockdowns.
My wife is rewatching it for the fifth time. She likes rewatching stuff because then it doesn’t bother her when she dozes off in front of it.
GoT has this on multiple levels. S8 sucks, the last episode sucks, and the end of the last episode sucks. A Russian doll of suckage.
Season 8’s first two episodes were, I thought, really good. The night before the battle with the dead in particular, when Brienne is knighted, was some really good stuff.
And then they filmed the battle without any lighting and stopped doing things like cleaning up Starbucks cups.
That’s true. It goes to hell in a hurry after that, though.
The Sopranos
Fuck You, it was just bad
(the ending)
Journey was a bad choice.
At the rate we’re going? America.
Horatio said fiction, not…oh you’re probably right.
There’s no way this is reality. The Universe isn’t that fucked up. Objection Overruled.
This whole post should have spoiler alert on it as a tag but here goes:
No Time To Die.
James Bond should not die. Ever. Bullshit ending.
What the hell? That IS a bullshit ending.
The only way it makes sense, if it they promote the theory that “James Bond” is a code name and the next movie is the origin story of the next “James Bond”, turning him into a legacy character and turning every other James Bond story into the same canon.
Daniel Craig and Léa Hélène Seydoux-Fornier de Clausonne have exactly zero chemistry in that movie.
The Forgotten will always stand out for me. Julianne Moore swears she has a kid and after stumbling through 90 minutes, demands to aliens that they give her kid back. The kid is returned and she’s had a memory wipe. What the bananafuck was that?
/Oh. Yeah. #spoileralert