We enter summer, always a good time to stir shit up. School is out, kids run rampant (especially the ones in summer school), folks are traveling, absenteeism gets frequenter… These circumstances are ripe for upending authority and get revolts cookin’. Just off the top of my head, these are three history-changing events that happened in summer: the American Revolution, Storming the Bastille, and the release of “Macarena (Bayside Boys Remix)”. Only ungovernables can be behind such madnesses* at the time.
* English should really have a word for locura.
But there is also ungovernable behavioUr outside humans. For weeks, I’ve been enjoying the tales of Gladis the killer whale: scourge of yachts. In the south coast of Spain, near Gibraltar, pods of orcas are attacking ships. Concerted, focused attacks!
They stealthily approach the boat, often without the crew noticing them; they curiously examine it in detail and get under the boat. They begin to touch it and hit the rudder with their heads to turn the ship; they can even break it with a lever movement. “They know that this is how the boat turns and that they can steer it,” explains Alberto López, a marine biologist and spokesman for the Orca Atlántica group. The greater the speed and the more resistance by whoever controls the rudder, the harder the killer whales push. The boat can drift and even sink, which has happened on three occasions.
There have been several pods, and the leader is usually an older orca who is named Gladis, designated in the way “Karen” is for shrill mackerel. There’s a white Gladis, a grey Gladis, and they command young uns who get busay. Orcas are fascinating, yooge animals. They travel in groups headed by a mother and “a male orca will stay with its mother for life”—which is delightfully Italian. Orca daughters may split off from the pod to form their own families, which happens to be the nightmare of every Hispanic mother.
🎶Eh Macarena, aeeej🎶
NFL NEWS
There’s a couple of items that raised an eyebrow. Mine.
-Calvin Ridley is back in the NFL, after being out close to two years. He participated in OTAs with the Jags. Hometown press and espen report that Jax is taking it slow with Ridley, on account of rust. Good vibes towards Ridley, gambling no-gags order is in place.**
** Unless TEN starts off 8-3.
-Von Miller is confident he will return from ACL surgery to play Week 1, MNF against the Qaron Jets. Miller is 34 and his first ACL surgery was in 2013. Miller spins it positively:
And 10 years removed from that, 2023, I have a whole new outlook. I know exactly where I’m supposed to be at two months, four months, six months and in the position where I’m at now, I feel great, I feel comfortable. I feel like I’ll be ready to go at the start of the season.
Suckers for syllogisms swoon, but logic ain’t all that.
-Josh McDaniels, for whom lines are not to step on but to cha-cha all over and back, is not worried about Jimmy G. Garoppolo signed with the Raiders in March, then had foot surgery, and is still in rehab. As the espen deportes item notes, McDaniels told the press
No tengo ansiedad. Ustedes pueden tener ansiedad. Yo no tengo ansiedad.
No voy a poner un calendario o un día en nada.
I think it’s pretty explanatory: stop with the anxiety Qs! IM OK, OK?! ¡Cristo Jesús men!
SPROTS TOMITE
All times Central.
NBA Finals
Nuggets (1-0) @ Miami – 7:30
Grandes Ligas
Now, as always, slur free.
Y*nk*s (Germán) @ Doyers (Miller) – 6:00
TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL
Correction: Last week’s edition stated implied that Liga MX had two clubs from Guadalajara, those being Chivas and “Guadalajara” (source: narcotics). Not the case, duly acknowledged. Happy? What.
Informational contentstuffs from Wiki P.
Argentina
Lanús hosts Atlético Tucumán – 7:30
Perú
César Vallejo hosts UTC – 6:00
“I was born on a day god was sick” is a verse from César Vallejo, the Peruvian poet. César Vallejo, the fútbol club, is a respectable 8th in the table, while UTC is 12th—but UTC has scored 15 goals in 21 games. This merits a cheerier verse from Vallejo: “Today I like life a lot less, but I always like living”.
Colombia
It’s the Semis in Colombia, with the top eight teams on table play put on four-team groups. The group winners go to the finals.
Grupo B
Rionegro Águilas hosts Atlético Nacional – 6:05
Grupo A
Alianza Petrolera hosts Deportivo Pasto – 8:15
Alianza Petrolera is atop its group.
CONCACAF Shempeins Lïg
Yes yes yes. The club competition of North American, Central American, and Caribbean fútbol clubs. It’s a home-and away series, winner gets through, #AwayGoalsMatter
2nd Leg (León leads 2-1)
L.A. FC (EEUU) hosts León (MEX) – 8:00
Bolivia
Oriente Petrolero hosts Always Ready – 6:30
Always Ready is on a tear, 4 wins and a draw in the last five matches, third on the Bolivian table. Oriente Petrolero is next to last on the table and has two losses and three draws in the last 5. Rooting for the hosts on this one, wishcasting this
FINALLY,
Not being a boat guy, I found the Gladis stuff charming. But items about artificial intelligence being ungovernable are getting frequent, and the frequency… Is unsettling.
This came out last week. At a summit of the British Royal Aeronautical Society, the chief of AI Test and Operations of the US Air Force, Col. Tucker “Cinco” Hamilton,
cautioned against relying too much on AI noting how easy it is to trick and deceive. It also creates highly unexpected strategies to achieve its goal.
The Colonel spoke of “one simulated test”, in which drone is told to identify and destroy surface-to-air (SAM) missile sites, with the human operator having go / no go final say.. In training, the AI was “reinforced” that destroying SAMs “was the preferred option”, so the AI “decided that ‘no-go’ decisions from the human were interfering with its higher mission – killing SAMs – and then attacked the operator in the simulation.” For humans, that is Machiavellian: for artificial general intelligence, that’s a You made me for this, die. On the bright side, that’s a romantic line for the upcoming Warhammer times.
After the item came out, Col. Hamilton CLARIFIED last Friday that this simulation thing, psht, what simulation—he mis-spoke! No no, no simulation; it was “a hypothetical… We’ve never run that experiment, nor would we need to in order to realiSe that this is a plausible outcome”.
Leave the revolution for living folks, never trust blind logic.
Banner via @JHernyOficial (Colombia); all gifs via giphy.com
To be fair, I think CPR should be taught in high school gym school class. That said, this is great to see:
https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/37790276/damar-hamlin-cpr-tour-kicks-buffalo-distributes-aeds
Fun stuff Don T. Well except for the orcas attacking my boat piece.
Bouna serata tutti.
Watching the CNN Town Hall of Nikki Haley. She is actually doing better than I thought she’d be. Her positions are organized and scripted. I’m finding myself going “she’s kinda got a point” more than I have since the 2016 election. I forgot how that felt and frankly, I missed that feeling.
She’s still solidly right, but not so far right that it borders on ganz rechts. Her only hope is to position herself as a viable alternative when one of them drops out. She may be auditioning for DeSantis’ V.P., though, but I hope not.
Sad thing is, in a normal universe, she’d be a good opponent against Biden. Biden would still be the favorite, but she’d have more potential than the other two assholes.
Nikki Haley is the “hero” Republicans need, but the God-King and Mickey’s Bitch are the “heros” they deserve.
Who does she think won the 2020 election?
What does she think should happen to the January 6 criminals?
What does she think Trump did wrong?
(quick Google searches)
Biden, but she did agree with Trump going to courts if he had evidence.
Didn’t find, but based on her reaction to Trump’s actions, seems she won’t be as forgiving as Trump. Maybe clemency on those who just walked through the Capital, but nothing for those who actually did something violent to something or someone.
January 6th, Ukraine, Social Security/Medicare Reform
I too get generally decent vibes from Haley, except for the whole part where she caters to rabid white supremacists because it’s impossible to progress within the GOP if you do otherwise.
Look its a flawed system. When your drugged addicted cousin gets a part-time job at a gas station, you call that progress. When a Republican GOP candidate starts saying stuff that doesn’t sound like it was spoken in Germany in 1938, I call that progress.
someone slip more communist extract into Redshirt’s coffee
Make it Socialist Syrup. Communist Extract upsets my tummy.
fine snowflake
I love how the Dr. Mrs. comes up with all kinds of alternative schemes for me to figure out when her flight arrives as opposed to just taking two seconds and forwarding the details to our joint email account.
Oooh, are you playing hangman with her flight number? Or maybe you have to find it in a word search!
Anagrams
Analgrams
On the bright side, you have an excuse to be late to pick her up.
(phone rings; waking RTD from a deep slumber)
“You’ve been waiting for six hours?! Aw, shoot. You’re right. Forgot the Constitution was signed on August 2nd and not on July 4th. My bad.”
I *wish* it was a fun puzzle like that. It’s more along the lines of “if you go upstairs and fire up that old macbook that nobody has touched for three months, and then log into my tertiary email account using the credentials that are written on a post-it that’s stuck underneath the desk…”
Ah, the crappy scavenger hunt approach!
If you know the airline, originating airport, and time of day, it’s probably easier just to go on FlightAware and figure it out
If anyone in my family tried that, they would’ve gotten a copy of the bus schedule as the reply.
Me: “Tell me what time your flight gets in or thumb it home.”
Just ask the Roomba.
So, unexpected cable box issues prevented watching any of that.
How the fuck you doin, however yinz self-identify?
I’m a little surprised by how much resentment I’m harboring towards Miami.
That’s… good?
Got an ant invasion while I was out the weekend. Now my place smells of peppermint and the remaining ants are panicking. Hopefully, they find the baits.
Excellent. Most of them are amassing in the shower. I hope they’re thirsty.
Herd those ants to their doom!
They’re resorted to climbing the walls.
I am compelled to be an active participant in their demise. I can’t have it raining ants here.
Miami pulled it out!
Movie depletes pink supply. I’m torn about it.
Malibu Stacy has a NEW HAT
A double feature of Barbie and Cocaine Bear would be my Clockwork Orange nightmare.
Feed me the drops, let my eyes die!
Is it really a shortage, or is Anish Kapoor just trying to get ahold of some of the Pinkest Pink paint again?
“Miami is not going gentle into that good night. They’re raging against the dying of the light.”
-Dylan Thomas, sports reporter
“It ain’t the Heat, it’s the humility”
-Yogi Berra
“Ours is not to wonder why; ours is but to (call fouls) and die”
-NBA refs, just following orders
Excited to announce that my daughter has moved to her new apartment and we are officially empty-nesters.
Also the cat got out and night and I think the washing machine just gave up the ghost, so God giveth with one hand and taketh with the other.
Is The Dwarf taking over her room?
If he fixes the washing machine he can have mine.
Dwarf: “Oh my. I was trying to fix the washing machine and I got stuck. Little help, Horatio?”
Horatio: [unzips pants] “I’m not gonna lie-I never get tired of this.”
“little help”
That’s beautiful.
I am absolutely never going to be able to run for office.
I mean, I couldn’t before this, but I definitely can’t now.
My Chilean drinking buddy always said he was keeping a list of who he’d need to kill so I could run for office one day.
Unfortunately, I have the personality of a worn-out dishrag.
Maybe you can pull off the trick that Ted Cruz has perfected: keep winning elections by virtue of the fact that your opponents hate you SO MUCH that it inspires your own side to go the extra mile just to continue pissing them off.
I sure do love it when a martini hits me like a freight train. So much better than getting hit by a regular train.
Crap. Rick Adelman doesn’t look very well.
I assumed narcotics were involved. That’s why I didn’t say anything.
Please let me reiterate:
Happy? What
Serious question: When is a good time to visit the PR?
I’m talking few tourists and fewer hurricanes.
Kind of want to get some PR sand in my toes.
Would love to meet you in person Stagger Lee.
High season starts in September, lasts until February. Any time is great. Right now, the weather is: open the door, get walloped by warm vapor.
But there’s waaaaaay more lodgings, bars, restaurant, businesses, hangs, homes, monuments etc. In PR with AC than in Europe and anywhere else in the Caribbean. BUT NO GO TO LESSER ANTILLES. Your loss…
September – October is when hurricane season gets scary.
So basically a year from today? I can do that.
Sounds great! Some activities:
-Rum distillery tour
-El Yunque trop. forest
-Eat roast pork in “El Cuñao” (my personal fave)
-more beaches than in Barbara Hershey retrospectives
-eat roast pork at Angelito’s Place (4 science)
Sounds like a good itinerary for DFOCon Sur
Love the use of Portuguese, Dok.
Needs more roast pork!
I did a Divorcemas there. Lovely
You didn’t ask me but I feel compelled to tell you when is the best time to visit northern Ontario. The answer is late August/early September. The tractor-pulling contests are in full swing and demolition derby drivers are really feeling their oats. The wrist-wrestlers really start to shine when the sun starts to fade. Gump McStuffin outa Smooth Rock Falls has won the heavyweight division three years running!
But when do The Soo play?
I just bought a World War II U.S. Navy celestial navigation sextant off eBay.
I know how to use it as a deadly weapon if it ever came to that, so remember that.
That is very cool!
Do you just beat someone to death with it, or does it involve doing something devious with latitude readings?
My guess is you need about 25 degrees to get that pointy thing into the orbital bone.
It’s high time the Clubhouse acquired nukular capacity (wen u think about it)
I know some people.
We already have it with our farts.
Oh, I have a sex tent, too, but I don’t make a big deal about it.
“Denver isn’t screwing around.”
-NBA announcer
-Alan Hale Jr, talking about Gilligan’s approach to acting
-music producer after hearing “Rocky Mountain High”
WTF Capital One. There’s no need for a Sunday night credit card bill. Very rude.
Good thing Asimov already came up with something for this, now we just have to implement it
This font takes me way back to “Life in Hell”. I guess it’s kinda pathetic to say, “I was there when so few others were” but maybe it’s a badge of honor to identify a talent before it’s recognized by the masses.
It’s The Oatmeal, is it not?
EDIT: “No”, it appears.
This is Xkcd, I think, so it’s the author’s handwriting and not a font
You’re right, aside from the cut-and-pasting of the three laws it looks handwritten.
I’m noticing that DonT is maturing into a very fine writer of literary posts, so much so that I almost read all of this one. I’m confident that the rest of it was top-notch, and I don’t hand out compliments like that lightly without something in it for me. God bless you all.
indentation and italics doth gussy up ritin’
😉
Wifey and I had a lousy/completely avoidable disagreement last night. She insisted that her 90 minute walk on the treadmill burned way more calories than my 75 minute hike on a trail that has five hills. We could barely talk to each other this morning.*
*might have something to do with us both being super competitive shitheads and participating in a weight-loss challenge, idk.
Well, you’re probably right just because statistically men burn more calories than women, regardless of the actual activity involved, but either way there is so much unexplained variation from person to person that just about the only thing you can be sure of is that whatever you burned is probably nowhere near whatever the machine/watch/chart said you burned.
I turned off as many calorie counting functions as I could on my watch because it was both hilarious and depressing to have it telling me I was burning over 5000 calories a day when I gain weight eating a third of that
This. Any time I go into weight-loss mode I never step on a scale during the process.
You could dare the Mrs to burn more calories than you while you two have sex.
This is the way
I went for a 4 mile /6.5 km run this morning and my tracker says that I have an Extra 1k calories today. Wtf
Hi folks. I’m sober now. I had fun last night. Watched Full Metal Jacket and then burned down a gas station.
That’s good MAN HUSTLE!!
Not to be pedantic, but that’s more of a Robocop thing.
I had an authentic, battle used 50 caliber machine gun with full belts of ammo wrapped around my waist. Which was good. Cause I was buck naked.
“You’re never naked if you’re carrying a gun!” – an inspirational ad pitch from the NRA
Neat!
Your guy’s picture under Perú is Roger Wakefield, on Outlander. Or rather, “That miserable no-good POS Roger,” according to my daughter. Her thinking brain is dead set against toxic masculinity, but her id wants to see some ass-kicking evidently. And Roger is lacking in that department.
A male Orca will stay with its mother for life
“These Orcas are called ‘Mike Pence’s’ and they risk severe repercussions if they swim in pods with female cousins or nieces. Which is kinda pathetic if you think about it.”
-Sir David Attenborough
Okay, got my workout done, just need to walk the dog and it’s time for steak and a martini.
You are living la vida loca! Don’t forget to vacuum thoroughly before the Dr. Mrs. gets home, if you know what’s good for you.
Good for you!
Don T shares those futbol listings for a reason.
https://twitter.com/ModernLepra/status/1665276147951624193
Later in the same game…
https://twitter.com/nocontextfooty/status/1665227598522097665
Argentina es increíble. Indescriptible. Intolerable. 🤣🤣
The banner’s caption is “No mi Cetácea”, which is Spanish for “Nah she DINT” [finger snap]
It’s amazing the disparity in Petrolero Clube success. Like if City of Men was still badass, but PSG narrowly escaped relegation.