Luv 4 USA, 4 Reelz!

[Video plays]

[Fade in to a mostly steady selfie video of a shirtless handsome man, shot from the neck up, sitting at the beach on a beach chair]

Hello, ladies. My name is Dónal Yandel T and I’m speaking live from my Latin American country, Puerto Rico. This around here

[turns camera to the beach]

is where you’ll find a huge number of Boricuas from today up until July 4.

[turns camera back, shot from neck up].

And yes, the independence of the United States is a holiday celebrated here in Puerto Rico,

[ears turn red]

which is an unincorporated U.S. territory. Hrrm. Me cago en…

[bites half of fist, camera turns to the sand]

GRRMMM.

[shot from neck up]

But OK. I will not let deep… VASTLY documented and uninterrupted political and economical fuckery get in the way of appreciating the… Uhh, undisputably wonderful, genial, and very, very awesome stuff produced by co-citizens of the United States of America. So I’m gonna do that, and I mean it.

My beef is with the federal government, which is wholly apart from the actual people of the United States. Setting aside the racists and homophobes and right-wing nut jobs which… Let’s be honest.

[puts phone in sand]

Hang on.

click click click  

 Ffffffffffooooooh. KAKH KAKH

 [camera moves sideways, shows kinda hairy gut the size of a 7-month pregnancy]

There are prejudiced folks everywhere, so that is not a problem particular only to the U.S. It is everywhere and it is a damn disgrace. Discrimination cuts across cultures and society. Understanding and having a baseline of respect for other persons is a human quality, shared by

[turns camera back to face]

Shared by many Americans. Women and men, but let’s be honest. Mostly women, We suck heh heh. But you now, I have to be honest

[sets phone on sand]

Click click

 Ffffffkhooohh

KAKH KAKH Este dispensario lo que tira es pangola

 kakh

Uuuf. OK. Just so you don’t think I’m not trustworthy. I value the work of the Puerto Rico desk of the U.S. Dept. of Justice. During my lifetime, the U.S. Attorneys have prosecuted, and the federal courts have jailed, the immense majority of Puerto Rican politicians and their flunkies caught taking bribes, kickbacks, and worse. So now you know I have enough tellectual tegrity to throw the Feds a bone for that. Hear that, all of you over at the NSA? This better show up in response to my 2024 FOIA request.

So, ok. American stuff I love or value. One, originality. That is a quality I think America has lots of. In technology and research and development, bof. It’s beyond argument. In art, America’s footprint in the world is not stepping on your neck, but more Jesus carrying you at the beach. Jazz, rhythm and blues, films both overproduced and on slim budgets, serving fried chicken with waffles and syrup… It’s the creation and development of something unique, for which there are no centuries long tradition like in that dusty antiquary called Europe.

[switches phone to other hand, points to neck and face]

America is a nation of firsts. We left-leaning Hispanics like to say that Améerica spans from Alaska to Tierra del Fuego and that many countries are named The United States of. But I acknowledge you were the first to use both America and U.S., back in the late Eighteenth Century. So OK, mesdames, American and Americans it is.

Qué calor puñeta

 [puts phone on sand]

PSHHHHSSIUT CLACK glug glug Aaaaa.

 [shot from neck up]

America is a country built on paper, and what a piece of paper: the U.S. Constitution. The Constitution incorporated several progressive ideas from the Enlightenment much in the way, in the early Twentieth Century, the Bolsheviks cast the Soviet Union from the ore of philosophical masturbatory soliloquies in European cafés.  The U.S. Constitution established

[glugs from can of Medalla beer]

Wermf aaahh the separation of powers. Hrm. Separation of powers is big. It was an innovation back in the Nineteenth Century and has been, until then up to the present, as the test for whether a state functions as a dictatorship. The Constitution also went above the Magna Carta’s restrictions on governmental powers and codified specific rights

[sets phone on sand]

click click  

Fffffoooh. KAKH kakh

 [picks up phone, points at neck and face, shakes away smoke with other hand]

Hrrm. Aah. Wow. Almost went blind there. Hah hah. Hrrm. I gotta say another kickass right is the prohibition of warrantless searches and seizures. That is prettay, prettay, pretty big even in the Twenty first century. Also, the right to assemble peacefully, which may someday apply to Puerto Ricans if we keep gatherings at below 85 decibels.

To be clear I was pointing out a cultural quirk, not mansplaining. I apologize for any confusion.

[stretches arm for wide shot, taps can of beer on chest]

That’s on me

[taps]

only.

[zooms in on neck and face]

The Constitution was also novel in protecting the rights of scientists over their inventions and of artists over their works. Rights which you sign away to your employer when you need the job and have zero experience but anyway,

[sips beer]

It’s pretty great in the abstract. If we briefly suspend disbelief to imagine a world without pharmaceutical giants and music industry executives, IP protection is the great kind of capitalism. Ooof! Man I should eat something soon.

But I think the big one, the right above all other rights, undisputably American, is the right to speak freely.

[switches phone to other hand]

Giving folks a right to complain and express themselves against the government is a biggie. I have exercised that right many,

[points toward cellphone with one-hitter]

Many,

[points]

Many times in my life. It’s a biggie, buh. Pshht! Emeritus King Juan Carlos I of Spain is a certified drunk, conniver, embezzler, and philanderer, yet Spanish rapper Pablo Hásel is in jail for saying that. And that’s in a relatively groovy European Union country, mind. And when this extends to satire and comedy, well: there I can say the Americans take the world’s cake.

The Simpsons, oh my god The Simpsons. Democrats hate themselves and can’t govern; Republicans are just plain evil; Fox has a chemical weapons lab in Syria; if you’ve ever handled a penny, the government has your DNA. I haven’t liked anything more in my lifetime and it’s so thoroughly American. And AND, Stephen Colbert’s 2006 White House Correspondent Dinner’s appearance is… Performance art is hit-and-miss and Andy Kaufman was brave and innovative. But none of that compares to doing crowd work with generals, dumping on the lapdog press, warming up at the start with a getting shot in the face swap at Dick Cheney—Colbert reached Another Level. He bombed and was The Bomb while being thoroughly American: witty, no-holds-barred, hot fire truth to power. I love and admire

[pans phone over whole body]

that performance with all of my being.

[points phone to neck and face]

I cannot refer to myself as American in the way it’s used in the US. I am and will always be Puerto Rican first, then caribeño, and then the list gets crowded. But it honors me to be your friend and that has nothing to do with nationality and even language.

[chugs beer]

I do favor

[burps]

Perdón. I favor Puerto Rico to become independent, and to develop a relationship among peers with the USA. That is what I want, peace, respect, and commerce among equals. I imagine, happily, a world where boricuas could refer to Americans as ‘mon earnestly, not as shorthand for hegemon.

[pauses]

OK taht’s sexist, but I stand by the joke, which, heh heh, you gotta admit is pretty witty. Hey blame the patriarchy amirite?  

But kidding aside, I am honored to be considered your friend. I love what you stand for as Americans, with a clear purpose of taking initiative and seeking equality and justice. My sharing most of your values prove that true kinship goes beyond where you were born and raised. Setting aside antiquated notions, like nationalism and promiscuity, truly is a way to bring persons closer together. And I am proud that you chose me to address this dynamite and necessary community. Hope to actually meet all of you in real life. Forever your friend, Don.

[gives head tilt and wink, “see ya” finger salute]

[turns off camera]

Video essay originally submitted for publication on 3/24/21 for the Summer edition of the Loose Daughters of the American Revolution Newsletter, transcribed and reviewed. Them LDOTARs sure know how to ghost. Very UN-American, ladies. Feh.

Banner via jomygosh.com.

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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BC Dick

I love breakfast. Breakfast diners. Big piles of hash browns. Eggs. Goddamn.

BugEyedBoo

The neighbor down the road a little ways put his entry in for the Morris Rd. Fireworks Competition. Neighbor #1 across the street needs to up their fireworks game, because Neighbor #2 is way ahead. It was almost worth getting eaten by mosquitoes and catching Dengue Fever or whatever you get from mosquitoes these days.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[eats a handful of mosquitoes to build up his “natural immunity” to dengue fever] – Aaron Rodgers

Horatio Cornblower

Huh. Mexico couldn’t improve their position in the Group no matter what and they’re about to be upset by Qatar?

I’m guessing somebody’s national soccer federation just got a brand new fleet of car for everyone in the executive suites.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I presume they were not locally-manufactured vehicles.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F02P2JO7yfc

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m making a map of all the accessible fruit trees in my neighborhood, which reminded me of this song, which I suppose could have made for an ELISHA NELSON MANNING YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE THIS INSTANT DOUBLE SHOT.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uswJXkKxx20

WCS
Doktor Zymm

I though covid just meant you lost smell and taste, I didn’t realize it extended to bass

Dunstan

Bass, trout, any kind of fish really.

BugEyedBoo

.

5f02f33efa7be99c608f84b93b428e459bf10c2c67529479378752e20996b960_1.jpg
Horatio Cornblower

Alexi Lalas talking about Mexico getting punched in the face and all I can think is “punch Lalas in the face.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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WCS

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Photoshop Alexis’ face on Martin, and we’ll make millions.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That movie was terrible. The end credits scene (the first one) was the worst by far of any marvel movie.

And yet it wasn’t as bad as multiverse of madness.

Doktor Zymm

Well congrats for watching all of it I guess? I mean, you probably wouldn’t have used that time better doing something else, right?

BugEyedBoo

I can’t get excited about any of the MCU movies anymore. Guardians of the Galaxy III maybe. I’m paying for Disney+ and can’t be bothered to watch Shang Chi, Multiverse, or that Ant Man you just watched. The latest Thor was okay-ish.

Horatio Cornblower

Speaking of MAGA dipshits my barber is a woman who is getting increasingly into conspiracy theories, and also increasingly closer to not being my barber.

I’m sure she’ll miss that $25 I pay her once every 5 weeks to trim around the bald spot.*

Anyway, this week I had to tidy up what remains of my hair and she started talking about the Canadian fires that are dirtying our precious CT air, and she told me that “Well, they’ve found a pattern to them and they’re being set deliberately, and also I read about some retired firemen who tried to join up and help and they were told they didn’t need them! Can you believe that!”

At that point I had a decision to make. Do I tell a person who is holding a pair of sharpened clippers less than an inch from my ear that she’s a raving lunatic who is clearly listening to the ramblings of a madman and considering it news, or do I just say “Wow. Hard to believe” and go back to scrolling though my phone.

I took the phone, and still have both my ears.

*Left to my own devices I would have long since just started shaving my head, but Mrs. Horatio insists I don’t, and in fact a couple of years back went, (behind my back) to the same barber and said “Horatio is thinking of shaving his head. If he comes up here and you shave his head I am going to come in here and I am going to cut you” and my barber told me this story and then said she would never shave my head because she was pretty sure Mrs. Horatio wasn’t kidding.

yeah right

I go buzz cut. I’ve got nothing left to hide.

BugEyedBoo

My wife runs a clipper all over my head. Sometimes if she’s feeling ambitious she’ll go after those weird hairs that grow on my ears ’cause I’m getting old.

She needs to trim my eyebrows; I’m rocking this Thufir Hawat look lately.

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Last edited 1 year ago by BugEyedBoo
WCS

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Keep in mind, they’re lawyers!

Doktor Zymm

A depressingly large number of fires are arson, with more being human-caused, but there’s also stuff like heat lightning….although maybe she think’s you’re THOR AND IN CHARGE OF ALL LIGHTNING. Which would be pretty cool, if true.

Horatio Cornblower

As I understand it, (and I’ll defer to our apologetic Canuck brethren), most of the Canadian wildfires are lightning strikes in areas where there’s no human footprint, to the Canadien government, (comprised chiefly of beavers, unless I’ve been misinformed), usually just lets them burn themselves out, the way we should have been doing to the American West for years.

BugEyedBoo

I thought that heat lightning was just lightning from thunderstorms a long way away.

Brick Meathook

Just say “Really!” and “ You don’t say!” and “We’ll I’ll be!” and “Sakes alive!” until she shuts up. Or, answer with progressively crazier conspiracies.

Horatio Cornblower

Along with Yeah Right’s recommendation of The Bear I am enjoying Apple’s ‘The Silo.’

Good dystopian stuff right there.

Doktor Zymm

Putting live Bears in remodeled prepper Silos seems like a good crossover opportunity

Horatio Cornblower

Why is Qatar in the Gold Cup?

I’;m pretty good at geography, but I don’t recall anything like that.

Doktor Zymm

Wait, what are the geographical qualifications needed for inclusion in the Gold Cup? Does the country need to mine gold?

Mr. Ayo

Points to huge pile of money bags in the corner

They’re just guests for being so successful in the QFA.

Gumbygirl

Why is Israel in the Eurovision Song Contest?

yeah right

If you aren’t watching The Bear on Hulu first of all correct that and second of all you can say “Of course yeah right would recommend this.”

My favorite show going right now without question.

King Hippo

Well, I was rather disappointed! – Buddy C., Toronto, ON

Horatio Cornblower

Buddy, getting ready for The Bear

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Wait, it’s a TV show. Well what the fuck!

Horatio Cornblower

Waiting for my daughter to finish there new season so as not to confuse the algorithm when I start it.

She says it’s good, but is a little concerned that Carmy’s monologue at the end of S1, (which, goddamn, was just excellent), went over so well that they’re now making sure everyone gets a monologue.

yeah right

That was what all entertainment should strive to be. That single scene was perfect.

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t pay attention to the Emmys, but I hope he got one for that.

yeah right

My favorite part, and I get this constantly, is “Why don’t you open a restaurant?”

Now i can tell them to just watch this show.

That’s fucking why.

Dunstan

My favorite part of Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential is when he writes about the phenomenon of people who become restaurant owners because their friends tell them “you throw such great dinner parties, you should totally open a restaurant!”

And they do, and they don’t know the industry, and they fail, and their friends only show up in the first week expecting freebies because they’re “friends of the owner” and then disappear.

Horatio Cornblower

Why don’t I open a business in an industry that demands 80-90 hours a week, involves constant staff turnover and in a good year a profit margin of 4-6%? Gee, I dunno.

BugEyedBoo

Sells itself, doesn’t it!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Other ideas for taglines:

Ant Star Wars 2: Schrodinger’s Boogaloo
We’re gonna need a bigger ant
Last Hurrah Before Kang’s Legal Trial
Kirk Douglas Should Have Been In This Too

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh and “Somehow Michelle Pfeiffer Is Way Hotter Than Evangeline Lilly”

WCS

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I mean…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah but she’s 65 and Lilly is 43….

Horatio Cornblower

Well, Pfeiffer isn’t a MAGA dipshit, for starters.

Last edited 1 year ago by Horatio Cornblower
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why didn’t they use “Never too late to stop being a dick” as the tagline on the movie poster?

King Hippo

I trademarked that for my rousing Broadway number “Wallace – The Musical”

(meaning George Wallace)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This is both dumb and mildly entertaining.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This guy has never struck me as particularly menacing of a villain, why is he the big baddy?

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t know much about racing, but based on what I just heard I’m going to bet on the guy in front because his car his much faster and he has a full tank of gas, and the other two don’t.

WCS

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Horatio Cornblower

Outstanding use of this gif, sir.

Horatio Cornblower

The driver is worried about the clicking and clacking they’re hearing from underneath their cars, but they’ve been told the noise is more than likely just a pedestrian or two stuck in the universal joint, and not to worry about it.

Doktor Zymm

Those blocks are filled with the ghosts of suburbanites who jumped off of busses into traffic after Bears games. If you gain their favor, the bus will take you directly to your stop, but if you cross them you’ll end up in Indiana

Mr. Ayo

Great job by the Kiwi. Honorary ‘Merikan now.

Horatio Cornblower

Turning back to the Chicago race and my TV says it’s ‘America’s Got Talent’ just as I see someone in a way over-powered car take a turn too fast on wet pavement and pile it into a bunch of tires and, well, they ain’t wrong.

Doktor Zymm

Parts of the US without representation in Congress have the best music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8UtNVmApFM

Horatio Cornblower

Loving the “if results hold” disclaimer Fox has on the US winning Group A.

Buddy, Trinidad & Tobago isn’t scoring 6 goals in the next 3 minutes plus injury time.

Doktor Zymm

Ah, but the US team could be ‘disqualified’ for PED usage and forced to play under the FIFA name and flag like the Russians in the Olympics

Horatio Cornblower

What would FIFA do if another country got nailed cheating like the Russkies did? Make them both play under the FIFA name and flag?

Looking at you, Belarus.

Horatio Cornblower

Shout out to the US playing Saint Kitts and Nevis and Trinidad and Tobago in just two games and still piling up 11 goals.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is it just me or is this all Star Wars rip off shit?

King Hippo

That’s pretty much what Disney+ is, yes. And Star Wars wasn’t even any goddamned GOOD.

Doktor Zymm

Thing I’ve noticed about getting older – There will be things like this article where they talk about the “more than 30 year story of the genre” and I’ll think “wow, I had no idea it was so old! I don’t remember hearing about it as a kid”….and then I’ll remember I’m over 30 and that’s why

WCS

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King Hippo

Again, this should 100% be the Haitian national anthem. Just make a minor verbiage change.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1U1Ue_5kq8

Horatio Cornblower

If I wanted to see a guy named Suarez drive a damaged car at high speed I’d just go down the street to Willimantic.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Alright, giving the new Ant-Man a try. Prepare your anuses.

Horatio Cornblower

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

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/hit in the back of the head with a rock labeled ‘Independencia para Puerto Rico’

Yeah, probably had that one coming.

Last edited 1 year ago by Horatio Cornblower
Doktor Zymm

EVERYTHING FREE IN AMERICA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e2igZexpMs

Bonus AMERICA content: In 1893 there was a failed amendment to the Constitution to change the name to United States of Earth. EARTHICANS UNITE!

Horatio Cornblower

I have just seen my first traffic jam during a NASCAR race.

This Chicago thing is hilarious.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This Chicago thing is hilarious.

Yes, yes, we’ve all seen a Bears game before.

Mr. Ayo

I hate street races, but this has been an entertaining shit fest.

Brick Meathook

Hrrm. Aah. Wow. Almost went blind there. Hah hah. Hrrm.

WCS

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WOO AMERICA
(the good one, that Don so eloquently outlined, not this husk of whatever we’re in now)

King Hippo

America really does get so many things ALMOST right. But them details matter.

King Hippo

God, can you imagine how violent we’d get if NOT for the release valve of the NFL?

WCS

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King Hippo

We’re proud to say Don’s an American
Where at least he knows he’s FREE

/hides en espanol

blaxabbath

Best I can do is ‘Eastern Mexico’ and you get one of California’s Senators (becomes non-voting).

Still a good deal though.

ballsofsteelandfury

Replace the FBI with Federal Bikini Inspectores and I think you’ve got yourself a deal.

ballsofsteelandfury

I myself belong to another agency

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King Hippo

TROOF, see what done happened with America’s Wang. Lots of Florida Men are actually Hombres de la Florida.

Doktor Zymm

True dat. There’s also an assumption amongst a lot of progressives that PR desperately wants statehood. The funny thing is, DC DOES desperately want statehood and would absolutely return 100% Democrat, but they tend to get ignored because most of the country has no idea they aren’t already part of a state.

BugEyedBoo

It’s been a while, but the last time I was in DC, the license had “Taxation Without Representation” on it.

WCS

Still does. Clearly it’s worked.

Doktor Zymm

Yup, they adopted that in the ’90s IIRC. The country would be a much better place if Eleanor Holmes Norton’s presidential bids had succeeded

Last edited 1 year ago by Doktor Zymm