Meanwhile, at Coney Island…(and also 4th of July evening open thread)

INT. NATHAN’S DELICATESSEN – DAY

A bustle of activity. The CATERING MANAGER stands with his hands on his hips, watching the kitchen staff engage in various cleanup tasks; sweeping the floor, cleaning pots and pans, pouring used hot dog water down the drain. 

BUSBOY: [straightens up from over a sink full of dishes] I gotta say, it’s nice to be able to knock off early today.

LINE COOK: [looks over from where he’s hanging a stainless steel pot] I dunno, I really could have used the overtime.

CATERING MANAGER: Quiet, you two, and get back to work.  I want to get out of here.

LINE COOK: Finally going to make it to the 4th of July barbecue at your brother-in-law’s house while there’s still some of the good beer left?

CATERING MANAGER: That’s the dream.

— [DOOR FLIES OPEN] —

The NATHAN’S HOT DOG EATING CONTEST COORDINATOR bursts into the room…but then, SUDDENLY…

— [REAL WORLD FLIES OPEN] —

An incredibly handsome blogger looks up from his keyboard.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Wait, what the fuck?

The incredibly handsome blogger opens a browser and navigates to twitter.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Oh, right.

The incredibly handsome blogger performs a Google search on “2023 Hot Dog Eating Contest” and clicks on the first link provided.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Man, they just keep making him seem cooler, don’t they.

The incredibly handsome blogger hits the back button and clicks on the first link that is not a “sponsored” result.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Goddamnit, they told me that thing was canceled! I had a whole bit written up about Andy Reid using his Federal Barbecue Inspector persona to confiscate all the uneaten hot dogs! I had the image cued up and everything! See?

The incredibly handsome blogger rubs the bridge of his nose, and turns towards the camera, breaking the fifth wall.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Sorry, folks.  Thanks to some FAKE NEWS, I was tricked into thinking the most American sport of all time – the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest – was canceled as opposed to just delayed.  Which means instead of making Andy Reid fat jokes, I’m going to have to think of something heartfelt to say on this celebration of America’s Independence from the tyranny of having to pay taxes on tea.  I don’t know why they didn’t just follow Mike Brown’s advice and snatch a dozen teabags and put them in their pockets every time they stay at a La Quinta and are served a Continental breakfast, but I suspect it must have something to do with all the La Quinta Inns at the time having been commandeered to quarter British soldiers, a practice that THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA put a stop to. Anyhow, I’ve always been a fan of the wanton destruction of this holiday, at least until I got pets and began empathizing with the wide-eyed terror they experience throughout the night. Please drink responsibly and use fireworks responsibly, and feel free to share hilarious reports of others failing to exhibit said responsibility in the comments below, and have yourself a wonderful 4th of July.

Even the Canadians.