Your “Random Thoughts With BFC, Volume 18” 4th of July Edition Slash Open Thread

Remember that old SNL sketch “Fecal Matter with your Host, Doug Fecal”? No? Yeah I figured it was just me. It was a solid (heh) talk show format with a specialized host and topic. Well, we ain’t exactly doing Pod Flies Open around here, but what about in written form, maybe say like a mix between Doug Fecal, Jack Handey, Balls’ 25 questions, Rev’s take on Larry King, and I don’t know, my own fucked up mind? With that backdrop I present to you the eighteenth edition of a potentially sporadically recurring irregularly scheduled Random Thoughts with BFC! Now also (occasionally but not today) in open thread form! If you want to make this interactive, drop a note/question/bon mot in the comments ala my old Mouth Flies Open attempt at an advice column.

• Happy Birthday, America! You’re not perfect, but you’re the okayest country I know. For now.

• Like America, this post started a while ago, peaked before it was postable on the internet, and now has some stale thoughts in addition to some relevant insights and trenchant bon mots. Caveat lector.
• Feel free to share in the comments how you’re celebrating/not celebrating today.  I’m not going to guilt you into any educational materials/trips to learn about how we celebrate freedom from British rule while we kept enslaving people for LOT longer, though I will remind you that the Smithsonian African American History museum in DC is amazing and free timed entry passes book up well in advance.
• I’m going to keep the Peter King train talk going a little. If you haven’t seen the Moynihan train hall in New York, it really is something. The food is massively upgraded, it’s beautiful, and there’s even a craft brewery doing to go cans to drink on the train.
• Perhaps more importantly, they have people enforcing the line to board the trains. What a fucking concept. Everyone is so damn selfish….
• Oh and I finally got to see up close the panic in a passenger’s face when they announced this was the southbound train to Washington and not the northbound train to Boston. Scheduling those 1 minute apart is pretty cruel, but it made for good entertainment as this lady gathered up all her stuff in record time to gtfo.
• In even less relatable content, the assistant bowling coach at Stephen F. Austin has resigned after being caught have an affair with a student athlete. I’m sure the head coach will be lenient on…oh my god the head coach is his wife. What a colossal idiot. Don’t worry, they’re already working on the divorce, too. I’m sure he can find a way to avoid getting Munsoned out there in the rough and tumble world of college bowling.
  • Dunstan scooped this story the other night, like 2 weeks ago, but I’d already written the joke so you’re stuck with it.
• Speaking of old news, did you all enjoy the NBA draft? Here was my favorite part:

• One of the biggest tragedies of the  Titan submersible  brouhaha was that it lured me back onto Twitter for a few days. Twitter is definitely still a cesspool, but at least Space Karen (h/t Rikki) is making it worse!
• I literally can’t embed this LOL I wanted to share, so I guess I’ll be screengrabbing that, too

• If you don’t know the backstory about Montana’s best Senator by a long shot, wikipedia hands you the story right away: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jon_Tester.
• There was a woman at the Melbourne-GWS game in Alice Springs, Australia wearing a Miami Dolphins jersey.  Why?
• When I was in Boston(ish) recently, I saw this street sign:

• It inspired my first ever original “yo momma” joke–Yo momma is so fat when she moved into the neighborhood they had to put up a sign that said “Thickly Settled.”
• Even more recently, and to build on Balls’s commentary from the other night, I saw this sign whilst driving around DC:

(If someone wants to teach me how to embed instagram reels on wordpress, great, but until then, two screenshots above, here’s the link to the video)

• I get that DOTs want to discourage drinking and driving but shouldn’t they also be discouraging illegal fireworks? Won’t somebody think of the children, veterans, and/or dogs?
• That’s all for today, folks. As always, stay safe and avoid Jason Pierre-Paul’s house and/or fireworks dealer. Here’s this week’s fill in the blank: The best place in the world to celebrate the Fourth of July is  _____________.