4th of July Weekend NFL Player PSAs

Happy (Almost) Independence Day! I hope yeahright is the only one who has to work today, and that no one is cruel enough to make you have to work tomorrow.

As you may have read elsewhere on the internets, the king of 4th of July celebrations put out a public service announcement (PSA) on fireworks safety.

That got the back office of DFO thinking (could you smell the smoke?), what other NFL players, past and present, might make good spokesmen for important public service announcements. JPP isn’t the only player to have learned a valuable lesson the hard way, and maybe some would want to share those lessons with impressionable utes and the broader public. Fortunately, a few patriotic players came forward and volunteered to help inform the public on critical issues with which they have first hand (bonus JPP joke!) experience. There was some discussion of attributing who from the DFO crew suggested each spokesmen, but um, we’re going to go with anonymity to protect the not-so-innocent.  So without further ado, here are some important NFL player PSAs, and be safe this holiday weekend:

“Adrian Peterson here with an important update you may not know: playing with sticks can be dangerous to you, your income, and your image.  And also small children’s genitals.”

“I’m Warren Sapp to tell you why you should always pay hookers.”


“I’m Antonio Cromartie, reminding you to have safe sex. And maybe reference check your vasectomy doctor.”

“I’m Trent Green to tell you not to salad your jockstrap shower horsie pillow.”

“I’m Josh Gordon, and like here to tell you that MTWV has some killer smoke, bro. Wait, where am I?”

“Ryan Leaf here to tell you kids to say no to drugs. And then give them to me.”

“Me, too!”

“Art Schlichter here to remind to gamble responsibly, and by that I mean, I feel a real heater comin’ on, can you just loan me another $1000?”

“This is Michael Irving reminding you, scissors are not a toy! Use them only with intent”

“This is John Urschel telling you that alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Don’t drink and derive!”

Timeless advice from LT

“Johnny Fucking Football, and if I’ve learned anything from my time in the NFL, it’s this: Don’t listen to swans. They’re filthy liars.”

“Erin Andrews here to remind you, tape up your peephole or the world will see grainy footage of your pee hole.”

“Hi, I am Donovan McNabb here to remind you to enjoy cold medicine responsibly.”

“Yeah, with grape drank”

“Hi, I’m Jovan Belcher and…”

“Rob Bironas here. It takes a strong drive to kick the habit”

“Hi, I’m Pacman Jones and I want to remind you that strippers are people too. Or was that scripters?”

“Fridge here. Let me tell you how to overcome manorexia.”

“I’m Steve McNair, and I’m here to tell you that cheaters never prosper. I’d also like to tell you about the Angry Ho Protective Helmet System.”

“Hi. I’m Ron Mexico, and I’d like to talk to you about visiting your local clinic.”

“Suzy Kolber here reminding you to always carry mace.”

“I’m Andre Rison. Did you know the majority of American homes have fiberglass bathtubs? That’s why fire insurance is no joke.”

“Hi, I’m Rob Gronkowski reminding you to wrap it up, bro. Or was it drink responsibly? Whatever, where did you put the funnel?”


“Richie Incognito here, reminding all the boys and girls at home: don’t let yourself be bullied. Only pussies allow themselves to be bullied.”

“This is Cam Newton reminding everyone to ‘Keep it on all fours’ because rollover accidents are nothing to smile about.”

“Ray Lewis here reminding you to donate used clothing and household goods; don’t just throw that stuff away where anyone could find it.”

“This is Aaron Hernandez, and I never go anywhere without my 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. They’re even great for when you’re just hanging around.”


Alright, your turn in the comments, and I’ll see you all in hell!  Happy Fourth!



BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation’s capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.

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BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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Senor Weaselo

“Plaxico Burress here, reminding you to be safe when out with firearms.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Fire arms?!?!”


Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Hi, this is Derek Carr and I’d like to remind everybody to start and regularly contribute to a savings account. We have to be prepared.”


“Jesus Saves.”

– the slogan for the bank where Derek is planning to deposit his $25 million dollars.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Hi, I’m Chris Henry; the bed of a pickup truck is not a safe place to ride, no matter the speed.”


“It’s important to take responsibility for your actions. Whether it’s a picking up after your dog, or leaving a note on a parked car you bumped, you can’t run from the truth.”

– Brandon Spikes


Hi i am Reverend Reggie White and I am an incredible homophobe, but you can cover that up with fervent religion.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Cheers to dat!


“Hi, I’m Bob Irsay…”
“And I’m Jim Irsay”
“And if you’re ever planning to move an entire franchise, in the dead of night, from one city to another, we recommend using Mayflower Van Lines.”

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

More of an advertisement than a PSA….. WILL ACCEPT!


Did nostalgia for their prime make your parents move back to their old town? Come to Vegas. You too can get a free home and don’t worry about those mortgage payments you still owe. No one will come looking for them.

-Mark Davis


“SimpliSafe can install a security camera anywhere, no space is too small. Even in an elevator!”

-Ray Rice


Learn to run sharp crisp routes. They might help you avoid bullets and charges some day.

-Marvin Harrison


I want you to learn from my mistakes. To avoid child support, you should aim for the belly.

-Rae Carruth


this is brutally good.


Upon further review, yeah it was a good idea keeping these anonymous.


Hi, Aaron Rodgers here for Norelco, reminding you that taking care of your beard is very important.