It is the Sunday morning before the start of NFL training camps. (Ed. note: Woooo!) Roger Goodell goes to the underground pool of NFL headquarters to work out some stuff. He carries a canvas tote bag with the NFL logo, takes a tablet out and places it on a stand, tightens the knot of his NFL Operations robe, reclines in a lounge chair, and places the bag next to the chair.
Roger Goodell: Bridget, can you hear me? Um… [rummages through his bag]. Get me the number for Bob–
Bridget: Good morning, mister G. I had sent an out-of-office email last Thurs—
[Goodell takes out a small, round canister from the bag]
Roger Goodell: Yeah hi, hi [opens the canister]. Get me Bob Iger’s personal number [gently picks up cream with his pinky finger]
Bridget: Sir, I’m on my way to my niece’s baptism. I put all your contacts on your tablet, so you can use Gerry.
Roger Goodell: Jerry?
Bridget: Gerry. He’s the voice that you made me put in last week after you queried Alexa on Deshaun Watson and found her waaay shrewy.
Roger Goodell: [dabs cream gently with his pinky in the left eyebag]
Bridget: Roger?
Roger Goodell: Jerry. Gerry. I got it. Mazel for your niece. Hang up.
Bridget: We’re not Je—[call ends].
Roger Goodell: Gerry?
Gerry: Good morning Roger. Sir.
Roger Goodell: Bob Iger. Call him. [picks up more cream with his pinkie]
Tablet: [Bahamanian ring tone]
Bob Iger: Yeah?
Roger Goodell: Bob! It’s Roger.
Bob Iger: [breathing]
Roger Goodell: I come to extend my sympathies during this terrible strike by the writers and actors. You inspire me every day with your stand against content providers. Someday the world has to realize that the market is the main consideration [dabs cream gently with his pinky in the right eyebag]. Authors and performers are as expendable as NFL running backs and what is really important is the platform and distribution.
Bob Iger: [breathing]
Roger Goodell: Bob it’s Roger Goodell. From the National Football League. The Commissioner of the National Football League? Me, Roger, let Disney properties broadcast the most watched sport in the US.
Bob Iger: [in the background] You take this.
Roger Goodell: Mister Iger sir.
Estrella Ramírez: Good morning míster Goodell! What a very excellent surprise this call of yours is. My name is Estrella and it is a delight to answer your queries or thank you for your good wishes on behalf of Robert Iger, CEO of the Walt Disney Company all rights reserved.
Roger Goodell: Well, Estrella. [rummages through bag] It is a true pleasure to speak to you, in all honesty [takes out round travel mirror and opens it]. I just wanted to check in on Bob because we go way back.
Estrella Ramírez: And Bob thanks you.
Roger Goodell: [looks at mirror while tucking his neck flesh]
Estrella Ramírez: Profusely!
Roger Goodell: Estrella, just between you and me [puts mirror back in bag]. I wanted to talk to Bob personally.
Estrella Ramírez: Understood.
Roger Goodell: […]
Estrella Ramírez: […]
Roger Goodell: Is mister Iger big timing me? HE, not I, he was the one who begged for the Wild Card triple headers back when we hung out on the Riviera at the Lockheed Martin yacht.
Estrella Ramírez: Mister Goodell, those contracts were negotiated and signed a while ago.
Roger Goodell: And? What kind of business partner slights the National Football League like that?!
Estrella Ramírez: Mister Goodell, Bob is quite fond of all 32 owners.
Roger Goodell: [rummages through bag]
Estrella Ramírez: They are billionaires, you know.
Roger Goodell: So? I can expel any of them from the National Football League. Let’s see Iger do that with actors, or writers [takes out snack from bag]
Estrella Ramírez: ¡Ja! Tal vez. But Roger, honestly: are you a billionaire?
Roger Goodell: [opens bag of chips]
Estrella Ramírez: It was a rhetorical question.
Roger Goodell: Make no mistake, I will be a billionaire [stuffs face with chips]
Estrella Ramírez: Good for you. That’s great to hear.
Roger Goodell: You know, the National Football League is a billion-dollar industry.
Estrella Ramírez: And I have two doctorate degrees. So what. Adiós, Royer. [call ends]
Roger Goodell: Jerry! [stuffs face with chips]
Tablet:
Roger Goodell: [spiting chips] Gephmrmry!
Gerry: Yes Roger?
Roger Goodell: Mentor. Telephone. [wipes mouth] Now.
Tablet: [Swiss ringtone]
Roger Goodell: Pick up, dammit.
Obviously digitalized voice of Paul Tagliabue: You have reached a voice device owned by Paul J. Tagliabue, attorney at law. Hello, Roger Goodell, current commissioner. Mister Tagliabue reiterates: first deny, then stall, and never leave a paper trail. The NFL will be billed automatically one hundred thousand dollars for this new legal advice for what was the object of your consultation by voice call. Is Jeff Pash still working for the NFL? An answer to this query will be considered a request for legal consultation and billed at the aforementioned rate. This may or may not be an official communication from Paul J. Tagliabue’s current employer. Ching. [call ends]
Roger Goodell: [slams bag of chips on floor, robot custodian zooms in]
Via BattleBotsBeat
NFL Properties Roomba: Do. Not. Litter. Next offense will be reported directly to NFL Operations. [takes bag and debris away]
Roger Goodell: Snitches get stitches dammit. Jer. Gerry?
Gerry: Yer Roger.
Roger Goodell: Get me a needy, attention-whoring billionaire with whom to commiserate.
Gerry: English speaking?
Roger Goodell: Get me Musk, Jerry.
Tablet: [Belarussian ringtone]
Linda Yaccarino: Elon Musk’s personal cellphone. This is Linda, CEO of Twitter.
Roger Goodell: Hi, this is Roger Goodell, THE Roger Goodell, calling for Elon Musk.
Linda Yaccarino: Why hello, stranger. It’s very good to hear from you.
Roger Goodell: Hello, Lynn. I’d like to speak to Elon.
Linda Yaccarino: Linda, yeah. Rog. Why the rush? You need some scraping on social? This has been a really lazy Sunday until you called. What’s happening? Personally, it’s great to finally talk to a fellow millionaire overlord.
Roger Goodell: [gasps]
Linda Yaccarino: Hey, Roger. Rog. Do you remember that owners meeting years back when we signed up Rupert Murdoch to a hims subscription? Hair and ED? You know, I did get a letter from both Fox AND NBC lawyers for that. Hah!
Roger Goodell: You are definitely confusing me with Bruce Allen.
Linda Yaccarino: Oh Rog, you used to be fun. Are you wearing a polo with a sports jacket? I’m in exercise gear but with my fuchsia Louboutin sneakers. Turn the camera on so I can show—
Roger Goodell: Put Elon on, please.
Linda Yaccarino: Tch tch. You know how it is. Triple your net worth or make Tesla the official EV partner of the NFL and maybe, maybe E will even call you himself. Until then, us millionaires—
Roger Goodell: Please stop saying that. It’s reductive and degrading.
Linda Yaccarino: No. You are wrong. Listen to me.
Roger Goodell: [breathing]
Linda Yaccarino: Being a millionaire is nothing to be ashamed of. The world is full of powerful and influential millionaires. How about Floyd Mayweather, Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Il, most Kardashians…
Roger Goodell: [presses BAIL button on tablet]
Linda Yaccarino: Those influencers make up more than half of the Web’s content on any hour–
Gerry: [in Roger Goodell’s voice] Thank you. Your words put forward another perspective for the National Football League to consider. This was instructive and meaningful. Keep up the good work being a trailblazing steward of your renowned business concern. Goodbye from the Commissioner of the National Football League [call ends]
Roger Goodell: Gerry, a bottle of Jim Beam and ice cream.
Gerry: Yes Roger.
Roger Goodell: NOW
[NFL Properties Roomba zooms in with Jim Beam and half-gallon carton of coconut ice cream]
Roger Goodell: Is there a spoon? Goddamit [robot backs away]. No, forget it [rummages through bag, finds lotion applicator].
Gerry: There is an incoming call.
Roger Goodell: [reads from tablet] The Snyder Cult?
Gerry: Answer?
Roger Goodell: Not in the mood. [opens ice cream carton, makes hole with applicator, pours Jim Beam in hole]
Gerry: A real life billionaire is calling you, mister Goodell.
Roger Goodell: Whatever [quaffs bourbon from ice cream carton]. Answer call [wipes bourbon and ice cream from mouth with sleeve]
Tablet: [clicks]
Roger Goodell: Hrm. Hello Dan. Please make it brief, I am very busy [repours Jim Beam into ice cream valley]
Dan Snyder: Well, Roger. Hello. This is billionaire civilian mister Daniel Snyder. How the fucking fuck are ya, Code Red?
Roger Goodell: If you have any other demand, please send it directly to Legal, mister Snyder.
Dan Snyder: Mister Snyder! Oof, why so cold? Roger, this is a social call. How’s stuff?
Roger Goodell: [slurps from ice cream carton]
Dan Snyder: I’ve been on the yacht the last coupla days personally reviewing all incoming wire transfers. So many transfers, heh heh. Ahh. So I haven’t really been up to date on what’s happening in the world.
Roger Goodell: Likewise. It’s bunker mentality here up until Week 1 [repours Jim Beam into ice cream valley]
Dan Snyder: Say, uhh.. I
Roger Goodell: [twirls bourbon with finger inside ice cream carton]
Dan Snyder: Say, uhh.. I heard there’s a movie about the Manhattan Project.
Roger Goodell: Are you referring to “Fat Man and Little Boy”?
Dan Snyder: Tanya blocked my Pornhub account, so I wouldn’t know. Anyway Roger, forget that. I just wanted to call and say, no hard feelings. From this side.
Roger Goodell: Hmm.
Dan Snyder: We had a good ride. I know it, you know it. Let’s acknowledge it and have closure man to man, without lawyers.
Roger Goodell: It was certainly an experience [pours more bourbon on ice cream hole]
Dan Snyder: And, I have to say: we were really good together. It was a privilege to be the Putin to your Trump and, wait, I had my publicist write something. I’ll just read it.
Roger Goodell: [twirls bourbon with finger inside ice cream carton]
Dan Snyder: The Football Team would have never reached the milestone of most expensive sports franchise in the world without your utmost toadying and dedicated indulgence. I was personally happy about you being so amazed at the awesome amount of money monae I continued to generate to the National Football Lee until the day I handed over the franchise on whatever date the lawyers said.
Roger Goodell: [slurps from ice cream carton]
Dan Snyder: I improvised that last line. And, heh, oh Roger… It was great and I swear.
Roger Goodell: What.
Dan Snyder: Now, I’ve already drunk a tray of expressotinis, but I have to say that, erm…
Roger Goodell: Go on
Dan Snyder: There were times where, um… Times where I looked at you and thought to myself: mister Snyder sir, that man right there, Rog Goodells, inside joke, is someone who might someday be just a tad below your level. Two inches, yeah. That little distance, despite the big BIG difference in net worth. And I will never forget that. If there is anything I can do for you,
Roger Goodell: [pours bourbon into ice cream hole]
Dan Snyder: Just know that I will always be there to never violate intentionally my end of the confidentiality agreement we signed with the NFL.
Roger Goodell: Pure class, until the end. Thanks, Daniel. Among 32 frogs, you truly were the reptilian. You’ll always be my billionaire crony.
Dan Snyder: Word. Holla when you need dirt on Jerry Jones.
Roger Goodell: [slurps from ice cream carton, throws tablet towards pool, frisbee style]
Banner via loveproperty.com
Anyone for tweaker ladies footy?
LE DOUBLE DOINK
that was bananacakes at the end
Italian ladies goin at it…
/ the story of his life
Italy making this a three-day weekend now?
Good game at the Rose Bowl!
“[tucking his neck flesh]”
That one’s going to stay with me for a while. Beautiful work, as always.
…and my cat has now killed one of the birds’ children. Actually, technically, *I* have killed it, since I took it away from her and put it out of its misery. I have done this in the past and for some reason it is hitting me harder than it ever has before.
Damn dog keeps putting me on mercy killing duty. No fun.
Cats are killing machines (even better than great whites but more cuddly and lovable) , and they don’t understand your disapproval, not at all.
This is classic Don T. Very well done Sir.
Carried over from the Sunday Gravy blog:
Family stopped by, and…
I have so much love.
Fuck it. I earned an A+ in upbringing.
These are some cool cats.
When I’ve got a request for a recipe and I can just give them a link to a previous episode?
Shit was done right.
Hell yeah. I want to do this every week.
What makes me really happy is the Wahini is food fearless. She’s not afraid of spice.
There will be many spicy food adventures.
Amazon trying to sell me DEET free mosquito repellent. Pffft, I don’t want that weak crap, KILL THEM ALL AND DAMN THE CONSEQUENCES
I don’t know why we haven’t done it yet
Your dream might be coming true. Check this freaky shit:
“The weapon, a self-replicating bit of DNA known as a gene drive, is one of the most anticipated and controversial tools being developed to stop mosquitoes from spreading diseases like malaria to humans.
The gene drive interferes with the insects’ ability to reproduce. It wiped out captive populations of mosquitoes in eight to 12 generations (SN: 10/27/18, p. 6) in a small lab study. In 2021, the technology worked in the large cages in Terni, Italy, too. Within as little as five to 10 years, this gene drive could be ready to test in the wild…
Gene drives could potentially spread to nearly ever member of a species quickly, forever altering the species or wiping it out.”
https://www.sciencenews.org/article/gene-drives-mosquito-malaria-crispr-africa-public-outreach
Neat. What could possibly go wrong?
That sounds like a lot of stories with punch lines like, “And then humans could no longer breed,” or, “And then everyone turned into a zombie.”
This has been around for years, they haven’t deployed it because they’re afraid like a bunch of wusses, even though the mosquito isn’t the primary food source for anything and we’re wiping out all sorts of other, better, species like the lightning bug in our quest to keep mosquito populations down. HEY SCIENTISTS, MEDDLE FOR GOOD FOR ONCE!
DEET? You spelled DDT wrong.
Damn skippy. When it comes to pests and vermin, POISON WITH MAXIMUM PREJUDICE.
Picaridin based repellent works as good as DEET for mosquitos, is better for ticks, and doesn’t smell quite as bad as DEET. However, it doesn’t last quite as long.
MIX EM ALL TOGETHER IN A BIG, DEADLY VAT
…and that’s how Doktor Zymm became Joker Zymm.
Well, may have possible side effects.
DON’T TOUCH ME MAN
WORTH IT
I haven’t seen an interfaith couple ruin so many Sundays since “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.”
We all watching Real Madrid (Don T spits on ground) against AC Milan?
Woah, we have a match!
Those potato chips are chef’s kiss.
Bunch of red-whiskered bulbuls are having a party in my yard right now. Pulled the murdercat inside so she doesn’t get one of them.
Excellent kharacter work, BTW.
Inshallah. I have tried to write in kharacter voice, and it’s really fucking hard. Mad respek to y’all who can and does.
I don’t care how awful of a press secretary or a governor or a person Sarah Huckabee Sanders is, what that dog did to her face is absolutely unconscionable, and nobody deserves having that happen to them.
I trust you wrote this before Space Karen announced that he’s murdercatting the old Twitter logo and about to unveil a new one?
That sounds like “new hat for Malibu Stacy” to me, but I am too old to be a Very Online.
The day I quit Twitter is either the day I die or the total extermination of Simpsons en español memes from the Web.
I think in Simpsons en español Bumblebee Man should only speak ingles. Or francais?
The day I actually quit twitter (and haven’t been back, for true) was July 4th, when Horatio shared that Clue Heywood tweet about a little rain never stopping Nancy Reagan.
Where did he get that ice cream?
Pictured: The DC area when the sale went though
The new owner said he was stressed. That was refreshing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iZW909WuB4&ab_channel=pansulik
One must remember that even being marginally-to-medium less loathsome than Rob Manfred and Gary Bettman…still leaves one a very large, hard-to-flush turd. GOOD JERB, DonT.