Welcome heroes and heroin! Before we dip our toes into the game intros let’s scan the NFL news that is masquerading as a crimebeat report.
-Henry Ruggs, people and dog murderer, was sentenced to between 3 to 10 years for his late night speeding escapade. Football talkers that lack perspective were saying he could still salvage an NFL career should he be a model prisoner. This raises the question, “Will Andy Reid still be coaching when Henry gets out?”.
-Bashaud Breeland (the last I heard of him he was a competent cb for the Chiefs, thought he was still floating around the league, tbh) was caught driving a stolen car. And who/what was riding shotgun? Why, a couple of AR-15’s and a duet of AK-47’s along with the usual pile of weed and mushrooms. So it goes…
-Cost overruns for Buffalo’s new football environs are projected to be about 300 million. Blame is being placed on the spiraling cost of building materials but I think it’s because the Bills Mafia is involved in the construction.
To The Games!
Texans/Pats:
-Believe it or don’t, Belichick wasn’t explicitly clear as to who was going to start at qb, according to those attending Tuesday’s press conference. What’s next, a mumbled response about the pearls around your mom’s neck?
-Lo and behold, a scrappy 5’8″ sixth round pick has taken Pats training camp by storm. Word has it that Demario Douglas is “uncoverable”. What’s old is new again, ad infinitum.
-C.J. Stroud has passed Davis Mills (I thought he would be a great sleeper in fantasy last year-please don’t look at me, I’m hideous) and will get the start. Apparently he’s a very accurate passer with a good head on his shoulders, as these kids always seem to be.
Vikes/Seahawks:
-Will we get a look at rookie wr Addison? He’s a great addition to the offense but I think te Hockenson will be the #2 receiver when all is said and done. Once he was traded his production would have equaled a 100 catch season. Perhaps that’s not sustainable but that fella is a wonderful mismatch in the middle of the field.
-The Vikes will sport a Bud Grant patch starting at the beginning of the season. I guess it’s like a nicotine patch but it bleeds the desire to reach a Super Bowl the longer you wear it. Huh, what were the players wearing previously?
Let’s watch some goddamn football with some goddamn snacks.
Kinda feels like the Dustbins had it coming after blowing that chance of their own.
Oh that was cool. Turned around the Atomic Dustbin defender and scored off the post.
Ned is disappointed
Sudden change is SUDDEN
She follows her header instead of just standing there admiring it and that’s a goal.
This is for you all:
Whole milk? Are you a baby walrus?
If you want 2%, just add some water. If you want 1%, add more water. If you want non-fat, something is seriously wrong with you.
For us all? Does that mean I can swing by in the morning and grab some before work? Save $30 from ordering uber eats?
One of the more disappointing things from conference realignment is the potential losing of women’s college beach volleyball.
if not for the goal, you’d think #3 has moneys on the Spaniards
She’s just an overachiever, which I am sure the Spanish Inquisition appreciates.
The deadly equalizer equalizes!
I just found out that Jill St. John dated Henry Kissenger. There is not enough mental bleach in the universe to get that out of my head.
Is someone listening to the Behind The Bastards and The Dollop collaboration on Kissenger?
The wife is reading Haldeman’s diaries while he was Chief of Staff during the Nixon presidency.
I can only imagine what else is in that.
But here is the podcast. It’s hilariously depressing
https://open.spotify.com/episode/4RLmIFl6o2kwUrYt11Kn6e?si=d00ea6a4bb35432f
I don’t wanna kink-shame but
I fucked her too. Not bad.
no see henry kissinger’s a “him”
well maybe not any MOAR THANKS SLEEPY JOE!!!!11111
I know it’s early for Sexy Friday content. But in my defense, it’s Friday here.
When they wear a full burka, you look to see the sexy eyebrows. Good indicator of back hair, too!
Oh shit, thanks for the reminder!
We’re counting on you
VAR taketh, VAR giveth
I’ve watched 2 minutes of the Vikings-Hawks game, and the announcer just doesn’t know any name of a player. Who in the blue hell is this guy? Back to soccer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcHvV0pO8W8&ab_channel=kojitaniguchi
Wyoming’s not a country.
The Netherlands just got screwed by the ref. Ain’t seen such a screw job since the Toronto Screwjob.
Montreal would like word…
Some place in Canada. The only important part is the Hart.
Super hot VAR action coming up.
Dustbins ALIVE!
I love VAR so much
Well, ish
See that red shit? I snorted it all, and then a bunch more. I’m better now, thanks.
Bowser: “You know for a plumber from Brooklyn, you don’t seem pretty phased suddenly fighting turtles, piranhas, jumping over lava and bottomless pits and fighting a large fire-breathing turtle-dragon.”
Mario: “You-a don’t know-a the shit I’ve dealt with in-a my life, you-a son of a bitch!”
Upset alert. Elks are beating the Bombers.
Winnipeg is collectively hung over as fuck
Just as Don T predicted!
BCD is sitting beside me loving every second of this.
… in bed.
How did you find one of my high school graduation cards?
VAR scores again!
The Patriots QB situation is so dire, the 5th String QB looks to be the best option.
You hate to see it.
It’s actually making me nervous. We’re gonna end up with a sixth round pick as starter
Are you gonna show us YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS any questions???
But wait, which one is the before and which one is the after?
Cuz I’d eat em both
Ouch, DOUBLE back spasms
yew needs MOAR DOAP
ah sure ’nuff does, good buddy!
Is this a Bears game? Because that was a lot of post strikes.
THIS [SPANISH STRIKER] I CALL HER CODY PARKEY CAUSE SHE HIT THE POST TWICE.
WHichever of you and Ayo says jinx first, is owed a Coke
“A coke? Huh. I always played that game differently.” – Jim Irsay
Am I having a stroke or does the Fox play-by-play dude have, like, a REALLY bad speech impediment. While I am all for inclusion, this is kind of like a blind tennis line judge.
I’m sorry, but this is 2023. Logic and common sense have place here.
CANCEL KING HIPPO! CANCEL KING HIPPO! CANCEL KING HIPPO!
THIS SPANISH TEAM I CALL THEM BORIS EPSHTEYN BECAUSE THEY COMMITTED A CRIMINAL EXCESS OF TOUCHES.
co-conspirador seis
The Netherlands are less fun when they are not the Lady Atomic Dustbins.
This is Chasen’s Chili
Huh. I was thinking this was Gumby’s ingredients for a PB&J sandwich.
It’s his cult for the common cold.
NOW BOIL IT!!!!
-The Irish
— also WCS’s very Russian grandma
https://postimg.cc/WhbJC6cF
If you try to edit a post, you get warned that you’re posting too fast. IT guys, get on this.
I grabbed a Sam Adams variety pack at Costco yesterday, and friends, lemme tell you, it’s too damned early to drink pumpkin beer. But I’m doing it, because I’m a drunk
Also, watching Rick Steves instead of preaseson. Don’t worry, no pants..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=je1NIf8GeeY&ab_channel=SaturdayNightLive
Well, have to.
Can;t believe I’ve never seen that. Hilarious!
Spot fucking on too.
Football and the Spirit Halloween stores have opened? Fall is here!
We can switch to WWC in 20 minutes, thank Chtulu
If the Netherladies can get past Spain, they win it all. I won’t be taking questions.
And if they don’t I really think them odds get small
If by “all” you mean “a savage harpooning at the hands of Japan” then yes, I agree completely.
Boy did this age well.
I’ve mentioned here that my new fave snack is pretzels and hummus and I’ve mentioned this to the gang at home. I just yesterday bought a big container of hummus and a family-sized bag of pretzels. Both have disappeared into the ether. Goddamit!
More hobos that usual will feel the wrath…
That looked like a td to me!
Why would you not play your brand new rookie QB in such a preseason game? Footedball teams are so fucking stupid.
If nor for that pickerception, this fixture had Frank Beamer potential
I’m still working and watching baseball instead of pre-season football.
I regret one of these decisions.
Wearing pants is always regretful.
Oh I’m not wearing pants.
/Cornblower household
Lowratio: [running around yelling, wearing Horatio’s pants on his head]
Horatio: “Would you calm down? I’m trying to work!”
Lowratio: “Maybe you should calm down. I’m trying to twerk!”
Horatio: [to himself] Damn, he’s always good with the comebacks
I mean, isn’t he all back?
If Lowratio has pants doesn’t that mean that he’s free now?
Logic dictates this but the studded leather dog leash connecting from his neck to the bedpost has other ideas.
The 5000 volt shock collar, too.
Neither of you is ever going to pass an ASPCA home inspection, take my word for it.
“Pantslessness is, indeed, next to Godliness.” – John Wesley
Not only am I not wearing pants, I’m wearing a nightshirt with a French maid costume printed on it. I’m going to go outside in a minute and smoke some weed. This will impress/terrify the hell out of my neighbors!
I am TOTES going as high as $2 on the Grumblelord D/ST at auction. FARE WARNING, Scotchy, Spam, and Alex!
“$2! That’s far too rich. I’m out!”
-me after overspending on Davis Mills
#PostHypeSleeper
“I’ve nothing left to teach you.” – Mike Brown, wiping away a tear
I am going up to $50 on RAMMMMMMIT because Aaron Donald is awesome and no one else realizes it. (still considering keeping 2 QBs so enjoy my money)
Lions’ Justin Jackson retires from NFL at 27, joins Sony Michel as RBs to abruptly call it quits in past month – CBSSports.com
Its almost like NFL RB is a thankless, underpaid job in the profession.
“Earn a veteran minimum salary for a year at 27 or be able to bounce my kid on my knee at 32. What to do, what to do…”
-J. Jackson’s thought process
I’ve seen paint dry more exciting than this game.
[welcomes JimU back to the clubhouse by tossing him a can of Bud Light]
(behind DFO Pandemic Isolation Ward)
“Welcome back!”
Get back in there!
Just a guess but Tyquan Thornton is a bust so far because 6’3″ (good) and weighs 182 (what?). He’s only at least 30 pounds underweight for his size.
Yeah he looks teeny out there. Too bad forhim there is no swimsuit competition
/would deffo have one at Northwestern tho, amirite
Somehow, the P*ts broadcasters are…not particularly bad? Certainly beat expectations.
OWAH BROADCAHSTAHS AH MO-AH COMPETENT THAN YO-AH BROADCAHSTAHS!
C.J. staring down his first read and running for his life like the rookie that he is.
…and that’s why OSU QBs don’t last in the NFL.
Not Burrow. He transferred. He’s a Daywalker.
He’s a Daylimper more like it. Amirite? Huh?
https://www.cnbc.com/2023/08/10/supreme-court-blocks-purdue-pharmas-6-billion-opioid-settlement-will-hear-challenge.html
“and, in completely unrelated news, Clarence Thomas has received the State of Wyoming from an undisclosed donor”
If the Democrats get the House, Thomas will be impeached before the new Speaker has a chance to sit down.
Let hs pray.
There is something wrong with the edit button
“Your comment supporting High School Prayer was fine by me.” – AltRight
-gumby when buying concert tix
Actually, strangely enough this *isn’t* what the Smackler Family would have wanted – it puts the sweetheart deal the judge gave them in jeopardy.
I’m not seeing “Smackler Family” elsewhere on the internet. Did I just invent this?
I love it!
Houston is picking up where they left off.
That “very accurate passer” might have been hyperbole.
#2 was open, to be fair
The QB coach is regretting his last words of advice:
“Just relax, take a deep breath and pretend like your playing against Michigan.”
…at 493?
“Demario” doesn’t sound…fully scrappy to House-O
I LONG to be in the fair land of Canadia where the Leafs signing a backup goalie to a 1 year deal (probably) gets 4 hours of dedicated coverage on 6 separate channels and this footedball game gets nothing!
This is the cross we bear so that we don’t get Newsmax and OANN. Though all sources are equally destructive to democracy.
That’s the abridged version, the long form is 12 hours and mentions a parade. No mention of getting beating by the emergency goalie/ Zamboni driver in that time