New GM. New head coach. Carryover franchise[-priced] quarterback hurt and out for up-to the entire season. In 2022’s Hortatio Did the Draft: Arizona Cardinals 2017, Budda Baker (Safety, University of Washington) is rated a Solid A with the following explanation:

Budda Baker has played in the Pro Bowl, (or at least been named to it; no one really “plays” in the Pro Bowl), and been named an All-Pro three times. I understand that the latter is a bigger deal. Baker is generally regarded as one of the better safetys in the game, and until last year, he’d played at least 14 games every year. In 2021 he played 17. See what I did there?

He went from wanting an off-season trade because his guaranteed money was up but the team threw him some cash before preseason kicked off and now, Budda, as the default face of the franchise in 2023 (infer what you’d like from this tidbit of roster construction reality), is what the team is selling in the latest edition of These New Look Cardinals. Baker is a tough guy. Does things the right way. He’s buying in (or so is reported) to what rookie head coach Jonathon Gannon is building. Things for the 2023 Arizona Cardinals are looking…not of any real interest.

Hi. I’m Sebastian Blax and this is your 2023 Arizona Cardinals Season Preview. We’ve been doing these posts for some time now and you all get it. The Bidwill Family. They’re legacy NFL Ownership Cartel grifters. There is no amount of parity in the NFL — as has been born out through the annual Super Bowl competition that this league has hosted for 50+ years — that would create such a misshapen competitive landscape that, even for just one season, the Cardinals would find themselves champions. It has not happened; it will not happen.  Einstein said insanity was repeating the same processes and expecting different outcomes. I understand, Dear Reader, that the hyper-consumerism that overwhelms all sports media/gambling/entertainment avenues will want to tickle you with the idea that the 2023 Arizona Cardinals will not be a meaningless opponent for 17 total games. They are lying to you. It will not happen. The Cardinals are right back to their typical irrelevance in 2023 and, if you’re going to gamble one red cent in dissent, you’ve got too much disposable income and can pay for Ukraine.

What is novel about the 2023 Cardinals is that legacy owner Mike Bidwill is finally embracing tanking. I think it’s notable that, of all ways he needs to grow as an owner, he choose to embrace the silver lining to sucking as his 2023 PIP. Don’t get me wrong — this is the ‘right’ move in the short term but, as we’ve seen, teams that suck-to-improve and team that suck-long-term all look the same over the first 12-24 months. Bidwill has up-and-comers in new GM Monti Ossenfort (former TITS Director of Player Personnel) and, at head coach, 40-year old Jonathon Gannon, who took the job after losing the Super Bowl in Glendale as the Eagles defensive coordinator over the unit that blew a double-digit halftime lead at The Big Game in February.

Now, one thing Mike Bidwill’s pants do have going for him after canning handsome head coach Kliff Kingsbury for his 28-37-1 performance/weight gain is that Ossenfort and Gannon are both pretty young and handsome. Though 46 year old Ossenfort, a principal owner of this franchise speaking (and doing other things afterhours in the Cardinals training center stairwell) only on the condition of anonymity may note, has a beautiful wife of many years and three daughters. Honestly, he seems like a good man and it’s a shame his career track is going to pick up whatever Hepatitis strain that is simply unavoidable when you have to be a part of the culture of this franchise.

Gannon on the other hand (see title image), that young go-getter will do whatever it takes to please ownership. Oh yeah sure, wife and kids too, but you can see that Bidwill wants to move off the young, single, carefree, run-and-gun offensive guys for his HEAD coach. In Gannon, Bidwill has definitely sacrificed on looks but has gotten a lot more bad boy attitude. I think this is what really gets Bidwill’s engine humming. You see, back when hiring Kingsbury, former Cardinals GM Steve Keim, who surely had erection challenges related to his functional alcoholism and high body mass index, really jerked Bidwill around. USC wouldn’t grant NFL teams interviews (they’d just hired Kingsbury as their offensive coordinator, you may recall) and, rather than a week of dinners with candidates talking up all the great things about the Cardinals franchise, Bidwill had to offer Kingsbury the HC job after only a single brief interview that couldn’t have included much more than a tug job.

How could Bidwill not regret that now? You have to chase that tail and, when you land it, he underperforms. Can’t imagine he’d make that mistake again. Bidwill, always jonesing for a bad-boy experience like his good friend/rapist Brett Kavanaugh, got a real rush playing outside the lines with hiring Gannon. Ossenfort just went right out and got his ass for Bidwill during the Super Bowl week. Reports are likely that Mike Bidwill enjoyed that at-all-costs attitude Ossenfort took to be first in line with Gannon once the Super Bowl was over. The team has already settled the tampering matter with Philadelphia via a lopsided mid-round draft pick trade.

So, in Ossenfort, Bidwill has found his Epstein man. In Gannon, I think he’s just got something different. No jacked up teeth but doesn’t smile much. Hard-working but, more than anything, definitely doesn’t offer the versatile experience of a Kliff Kingsbury. I think the next four or so years will be a lot of Ossenfort and Bidwill growing closer while Gannon (or whatever derrière du jour is head coach/manages the locker room toilet cams) is cycled through.

There is talk that Kyler will be traded. I don’t see it.

So that will be this year. No fantasy expectations. No real wins. Just another season of NFL Football for the Arizona Cardinals.