Why I Won’t Be Watching The NFL This Year: Your Las Vegas Raiders Season Preview (2023 Edition)

Four years ago, among other things, I wrote the following:

My feelings toward my imminent divorce from the NFL are not too different.  Is the NFL bad for me?  That’s hard for me to say.  At this point in my life, though, the best I can say for it is that it’s neutral.  The game, and my experience of watching it, has certainly changed to the point where it definitely no longer brings me joy.  Part of that is related to the fact that the Raiders have sucked for the better part of two decades, and will continue to suck this year.  But there’s so much more.  Watching football is no longer an exercise in watching spectacular feats of athleticism – it’s now an exercise in watching spectacular feats of athleticism and then waiting to see whether or not those feats will actually count for anything once the flags have fallen to earth or by the end of an interminable review.  And as much as football’s proponents insist that we must “stick to sports”, the moral baggage that comes with consuming what the Gingerhammer himself describes as the “entertainment product” has finally reached such a crushing weight that it’s overwhelmed my enjoyment of the parts of football that actually still qualify as “sport”.

The Raiders went 7-9 that season (losing five of their last six, including a 34-3 drubbing at the hand of the fucking Jets) and it seemed like my plan of easing football out of my life might succeed.  But COVID quarantine ended up reversing that sentiment; with limited opportunities to leave the house, football sunk its Komen-pink claws back into my soul once again. Nothing much changed with the team; they finished the season at 8-8 (losing five of their last seven).  In 2021, spurred by the one-two punch of Jon Gruden’s conversion into an NFL unperson, and Henry Ruggs’ conversion into a vehicular manslaughterer, I laid down an ultimatum to My Raiders: make the playoffs, or I was going to renounce my fanhood.  Forever.

It seemed like a safe bet.  But against all odds, they won their final four games – including a dramatic overtime win against the Chargers in the final game of the season – and snuck into the playoffs.  So I’m stuck with them.  Forever.

“He’s stuck with us for life! For life!”

But that doesn’t mean I have to pay attention to them – especially in a year when the Rugby World Cup will be happening.  And I haven’t been.  Here are some of the things I’m learning just now about the Raiders’ offseason:

  • Their first round pick was Tyree Wilson, a defensive end from Texas Tech.
  • Darren Waller was traded away to the New York Giants.
  • Waller’s replacement is second-round pick Michael Mayer.
  • Familiar That’s My Raiders! stars Josh Jacobs, Kolton Miller, and Hunter Renfrow are still around.

That’s about it.  Their defense will be an utter disaster, as usual, and will cost them several close games by failing to force punts and/or prevent opponents from scoring in critical junctures. Handsome Jimmy probably won’t be able to stay healthy for very long. After two or three losses where the playcalling is “too conservative” fans will call for Josh McDaniels’ firing even more loudly than they already are. NFL officials will fuck them over, repeatedly, on flags (they will be among the top five penalized teams, again) and reviewed plays.  It’s the same old story, and I think I actually am done with it.  I’ve only got so many more healthy years in this frame of mine, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to waste them watching something I’ve already seen a dozen times already.

My apologies if this preview is so deeply cynical. But this is actually a good thing for me. Enjoy the season!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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litre_cola

Can’t wait for the rugby world cup.

King Hippo

ILLUSIONS, Michael!

BeefReeferLives

Hey, why just be a regular ‘ol hipster douchebro when you can DOUBLE DOWN??!?!

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https://www.sadanduseless.com/double-mustache/

ballsofsteelandfury

Ho Lee Phuc!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

In my ongoing pursuit of pedantry, here’s the GTD post that IDs the 1 millionth comment as Rev’s

https://doorfliesopen.com/2022/12/13/subsequent-gtd-reflections-97/

Don T

Red Zone still is a unique experience #JustSayin

King Hippo

It lets me get close to that “first crack pipe” feeling, but still keeps all my teeth

Gumbygirl

Gumby and I got free tickets for Counting Crows tonight at Yaamava. 7th row. I will not be around much this evening, so feel free to talk about me behind my back!

WCS

She’s going to be in for a surprise when it’s a Black Crowes cover band.

LemonJello

Better yet, some shitty cover band called Country Cows.

WCS

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Bovine beat poetry slam.

ballsofsteelandfury

Or even worse, the actual Black Crows!

Gumbygirl

I’m still here assholes!

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s my line!

WCS

It’s not nearly as fun when you’re not here to hear all this!

WCS

Makin’ you sweat?

LemonJello

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WCS

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The other Wahlberg is the good one.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What’s the betting line on Rikki not actually being done with it?

Horatio Cornblower

Apropos of nothing, I just noticed that we’re at 1,055,181 comments. Did we do anything for the 1 millionth comments? Seems like that person should have at least earned a gently used fleshlight.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

We did.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

THIS HORATIO I CALL HIM MY MOTHER BECAUSE HE ISN’T TAKING NOTICE OF WHAT I THINK IS IMPORTANT AND NOW I DON’T REALLY WANT TO TALK TO HIM FOR A WHILE

https://doorfliesopen.com/2022/12/15/one-million-comments-on-this-little-site/

Game Time Decision

To me the next big DFO milestone would be 10K posts. We’re about 600 away, so at our current burn rate, prob next spring

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m getting close to 1000 posts myself…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Jesus, I have 140

Sharkbait

Im still mad they didn’t give us a most glorious tie in that chargers game.

King Hippo

may the FITBAW GODS punish them for all eternity

bk109

Uhh, first off – good evenin’ folks. I need.. a bit of advice. Basically, work’s offering me free NFL tickets (as an apology for sticking me in the McLean area in September) and I’m wondering – whether to take the ones for the Ravens opener, or experience what a shithole FedEx field is and watch the Cards game. Or not to waste my time and nerves and just go see the Air and Space Museum again?

blaxabbath

FedEx! FedEx!

blaxabbath

THIS BK109 I CALL HIM ASHLII BABBITT BECAUSE IT’S ONLY 2:44 IN THE AFTERNOON BUT HE SEES DARKNESS!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ravens. M&T might actually be easier to get in and out of from McLean (and DC) than FedEx.

Also fuck the Washington football team.

LemonJello

Got free tix to see *Redacteds* V. Ursine Field Shitters on TNF, no less. There will be a semi-boots-on-the-ground.

blaxabbath

If Mitch McConnell dies at a press briefing, it’ll make Raider Nation all better.

Gumbygirl

That would be awesome. He can stand there with the dumb look for 30 seconds or so, then SPLAT! Good fucking riddance.

blaxabbath

I want him to shit himself at a couple pressers before the freeze-n-fall.

BeefReeferLives

“Yeah, been a lot of that going around…”
-The Rest of America

https://www.masslive.com/news/2023/08/aggressive-wasps-descend-upon-part-of-ashland.html

Horatio Cornblower

“Aggressive Wasps” would be a great, and accurate, nickname for several New England college athletic teams.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Think of the confusion in lacrosse.