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"This site goes down so often we oughta change the name to “Dating Nancy Reagan”" – Horatio

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Hippo Nighttime in 2023 BEGINS!

King Hippo

/

,

Welcome to my diseased brain.  Please to keep your hands inside the car at all times.  Tips in any form of opium are accepted and appreciate.

Ballsy: He prefers Taliban brand but any will do. Yes, I’m back to provide thoughts and cheerleaders.

New Mexico (+38) at Texas A&M (7:00, ESPN)

Come for the befuddled facial expressions of Jimbo Fisher.  Stay for…yeah, don’t stay.

Ballsy: It’s funny how no one wants A&M in the SEC anymore. Specially Texas. At least they like them more than Missouri…

Washington State (-11) at Colorado State (7:00, CBSSN)

Admit it.  You expected the Cougettes picture to feature here.  But Hippo likes to keep y’all guessing.  Poor Wazzu, this is a sad preview of their Mountain West future life.

Ballsy: Because I’m me:

West By God Virginia (+20.5) at Paedo State (7:30, NBC)

Behold, the most “adventuroUs” non-conference schedule game in B1G history.  I’m sure the Paedos will get a strongly-worded letter from their brethren.  There is no hope for the Cousinfuckers, but we will root for ’em anyway.

Ballsy: This is the classic “There are no winners” matchup.

Texas Tech (-14) at Wyoming (7:30, CBS)

Easily the game of the day, I don’t recall Brokeback’s alma mater ever hosting a full national broadcast network game before.  Certainly not in primetime.  Guns Up! are waaaaayyyyy overhyped and will do well to get out of Laramie with a W.

Coastal Carolina (+14.5) at UCLA (10:30, ESPN)

That mulleted QB is back for the Chanticleers, led by new HC/former terrible Wolven Sort OC Tim Beck.  Westwood Klavern can go get fucked, but this will surely be non-competitive (even though Arizona State almost hilariously lost to SOUTHERN UTAH on Thursday).

Ballsy: Westwood Klavern can indeed get fucked because they did not admit my niece even though on top of having excellent grades, being captain of her soccer team, having tons of extracurriculars and charity work, and being homecoming Queen, her father and I BOTH graduated from there. She’s going to graduate from USC and we’ll be spelling out Southern California like it was kindergarten.

Also this:

Enjoy the long weekend!

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Don T

If you’re out there, 2Pac, buenos días.
I’ll trade ya another Azzurri World Cup during my lifetime for a basketball loss right now
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2Pack

The team is tough. Basketball is much bigger over here than most people realize.

But I love an underdog. You guys are due. So you got it Buddy.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Evening.

1
TheRevanchist

More like good morning?

0
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Damn Texas Tech had a really bad night in Laramie. Thankfully Wyoming doesn’t play Shepherd University this year.

1
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Damn usually when an S. Sanders excites me I’m 8 years old watching “Figure It Out” wondering why my midsection hurts

4
Horatio Cornblower

Wyoming QB is absolutely majoring in ‘Crayons’

4
WCS

Josh Allen jumping through tables in Orchard Park, NY at the moment.

2
herodotus450

You NEVER schedule a September game in Laramie!!!!

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Horatio Cornblower

Holy shit that Wyoming TD.

2
Mr. Ayo

Holy shit that 2PT conversion.

2
Mr. Ayo

*Lowratio Signal Activated*

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Horatio Cornblower

Much like Jimmy’s character in ‘Margaritaville’ that was my own damn fault.

Last edited 2 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
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WCS

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herodotus450

Forgot they ruined CFB overtime

4
Horatio Cornblower

TD Cowboys!!! And the Wyoming co-eds go crazy!!!!

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yeah right

For the recently departed former missus.

One of her favorite songs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn9qGf1w0FQ

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Gumbygirl

I love that one too!

1
yeah right

Think I fucked around and ended up making the best goddamn chile verde ever.

See! This is what happens when I’m not taking photos.

Holy hell that’s delicious.

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Horatio Cornblower

Wyoming game getting interesting.

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Mr. Ayo

QB Down! Game over.

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Horatio Cornblower

Looking up the University of Wyoming, for no particular reason. 97% acceptance rate, (which, seriously, are you fucking kidding?), 59% get a degree w/in 6 years, and the student body is roughly 2% of the total population of Wyoming.

Wyoming is not a real thing, and the fact that they have 2 Senators will never not piss me off.

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WCS

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Brick Meathook

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Horatio Cornblower

I’ll take “Past Addresses for Todd Marinovich” for $400, Alex.

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herodotus450

Lotta conflicting reports about this giant Las Vegas sphere thing

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Have this sitting in an open tab, will get around to reading it eventually:

https://www.personal.kent.edu/~rmuhamma/Philosophy/RBwritings/isThereGod.htm

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herodotus450

Probably not, but it doesn’t matter either way.
There, just saved you the effort.

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Horatio Cornblower

tl/dr, the answer is no.

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Horatio Cornblower

I don’t have ESPN right now thanks to a fight between Spectrum and Disney and I’m discovering that college football is the only reason I care about ESPN any more.

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WCS

yarp

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herodotus450

Is that giant sphere thing still in Las Vegas?

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Horatio Cornblower

No, Trump lost Nevada in 2020.

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Mr. Ayo

Yes. And it watches you while you sleep.

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ArmedandHammered

Yeah, thanks for instilling insomnia for the next week.

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Mr. Ayo

Wait until it blinks. Breathtaking!

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Horatio Cornblower

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WCS

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Horatio Cornblower

Jimmy Buffet in one of the Jurassic Park movies. Really doesn’t matter which one.

https://twitter.com/KatiePZim/status/1697924245731295420

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Horatio Cornblower

I don’t think Wyoming blocked that kick so much as the kicker put it right into the Wyoming defenders faces.

Also I really like the Wyoming uniforms.

0
WCS

Well… that wasn’t the Penn State Experience that Jerry Sandusky was known for.

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Horatio Cornblower

Penn State: No children were raped in the winning of this football game.

Me: Well, that’s good to kn…Wait, why is that a thing!?

Last edited 2 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
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Brick Meathook

This place is fucking awesome

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Brick Meathook

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yeah right

Local potato chips are the best. If you drive through the Quad Cities get some Sterzings.

1
Horatio Cornblower

If West Virginia can get another 17 in 2 minutes they’re right back in this thing.

/sound of beer bottles shattering

“.17 IN TWO MINUTES!? BAH GAWD, THAT’S BOB HUGGINS’S MUSIC!!!”

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Horatio Cornblower

UTSA got ass-blasted on that call.

At some point a coach needs to take his team off the field after a call like that. Let the officials explain it afterwards; you just say “I’m not getting my players hurt in a game the referees already decided.”

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Redshirt

I’m afraid to ask but what happened?

0
Horatio Cornblower

An extremely generous spot gave Houston the first down they needed to run out the game. Even the announcers called it wrong.

2
Redshirt

I said it before and I’ll say it again, I don’t understand why Fickell went to Wisconsin when the Ohio State job will be open after this season.

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scotchnaut

He’s a fickell guy, it’s right there in the name. It’s not complicated.

6
Redshirt

No, he’s a dumb weasel. At least Brian Kelly went to Notre Dame.

If a coaching job was a marriage, Kelly left his loving wife for a supermodel, Fickell left his loving wife for a manager at Bob Evans.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…for a manager at Bob Evans.

I will not stand idly by while you slander tWBS’s preferences like that.

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Horatio Cornblower

tWBS, (through Ouija board):

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So like this, but with some debatable tattoos and even more questionable political opinions. Also could she maybe sling hash at a Waffle House?

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Redshirt

Oh, great. Now I’m going to be cursed by tWBS’s ghost for this.

Awesome.

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Horatio Cornblower

Hope you like Green Day.

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Mr. Ayo

Nah. He’ll just make you watch him bone her.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man did Bouzkova have a lot of heart. I think her new nickname has to be Cool Hand Louzkova.

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Horatio Cornblower

So she’s gonna eat a lot of eggs and then got shot to death?

Uh, spoiler alert.

0
Sharkbait

Did I make myself a margarita in honor of Jimmy Buffett? Damn right I did

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Horatio Cornblower

Drinking one now for the same reason.

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scotchnaut

Penn State game is done.

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Gumbygirl

Yup, not the upset everyone was hoping for. Midsomer is coming on soon, give me some muderous lunatics in an English village!

1
Redshirt

Yeah, I didn’t feel like winning $90 in a parlay. I’m perfectly content with only a $0.50 win.

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Horatio Cornblower

I expect nothing of the Yankees this season and never did, (although I didn’t think they’d be this bad), but watching them take at least 2 out of 3 from the Asterisks will never not make me smile.

Now, what’s all this nonsense about football?

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Horatio Cornblower

Back from the fair. One Italian sausage grinder, (w peppers and onions), a good bit of a baked potato my wife didn’t finish, most of a fried dough with cinnamon and powdered sugar, (found a little of those go a lot farther than they used to), and a lemonade. No beer at this fair, but I am addressing that now.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“That’s too bad that they closed the fair due to thunderstorms five minutes after you arrived.” – Coach Reid

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Horatio Cornblower

We, (the old people), were walking out as the local youth were walking in for the concert headliner, (Herman’s Hermits, and I am not kidding), and late night antics all youth enjoy.

For a dry concert there sure were a lot of shit-faced people wandering around, and I’m pretty confident you could yell “I NEED METH!!!” on the center thruway and be accommodated within seconds.

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Horatio Cornblower

Tomorrow’s headliner is Scott Staap, of Creed fame. Again, I am not kidding.

2
yeah right

Woof

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Horatio Cornblower

Joan Jett played several years ago!

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Senor Weaselo

They’re welcoming him With Arms Wide Open.

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Horatio Cornblower

Apparently the county fair circuit pays very well. I learned that after the Joan Jett show at the same fair.

Good for Scott, even though Creed was pretty terrible.

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Gumbygirl

Were they too lazy to make an actual funnel cake, and just threw a glob of dough in the fryer?

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Horatio Cornblower

Mrs. Horatio and I were debating the difference between funnel cake and fried dough while Lowratio was arguing with a carny about the “you must be this high” sign for the Ferris Wheel.

As near as I can tell they’re the same thing, but the funnel cake has a design to it. When it comes to fried dough I do not need a design. Gimme a flat piece of dough fried golden brown and a choice of toppings and I will be happy. No need to Salvador Dali it.

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Gumbygirl

It’s all going the same place, and is just as deliciously bad for you either way. But I love the wall to wall crispiness of the funnel version.

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ballsofsteelandfury

So happy Lowratio got a day out!

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Horatio Cornblower

At some point he’s gotta get some fresh air and fried food, you know?

3
ArmedandHammered

Does he have one of those backpacks with the retractable leashes?

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Horatio Cornblower

I’m laughing so hard right now because I have one of those for my dog and it broke today and the horrible jokes are just racing through my head right now.

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Brick Meathook

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ballsofsteelandfury

That seems more of a “post” picture

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ArmedandHammered

Wyoming showing some fight.

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ArmedandHammered

And TX Tech headhunting.

0
King Hippo

Trent Green sighting, too!

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Horatio Cornblower

“I love that guy! Where!?”

-Trent Green

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Gumbygirl

“Over there, by the purple monkey dishwasher!”

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Brick Meathook

This is the Baltic Sea. It is over 100 miles wide.

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herodotus450

Didnt know Detroit was even in the Baltic

2
Gumbygirl

I think you should pull over and ask for directions.

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herodotus450

Man this is so cruel, they keep replaying the UTSA quarterback throwing an interception like 3 or 4 times…. Oh wait no, he just keepts throwing them

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King Hippo

I…may have overestimated WY a bit.

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herodotus450

-John McCain, ca 2008

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Senor Weaselo

Westwood Klavern can indeed get fucked because they did not admit my niece even though on top of having excellent grades, being captain of her soccer team, having tons of extracurriculars and charity work, and being homecoming Queen, her father and I BOTH graduated from there.

Wow, what kind of bullshit is that?

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herodotus450

“Sounds like a nerd, we only want people who can hang, man”.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s college today for these poor kids. It’s fucking impossible to get in anywhere.

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Horatio Cornblower

“her father and I BOTH graduated from there.”

Well, there’s your problem, right there.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Well played sir, well played.

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Horatio Cornblower

I have two degrees from UConn, my brother has a degree from UConn, my father has a degree from UConn, and both of my kids, with far better credentials coming out of high school than any of the three of us had, both got wait-listed.

So I knew whereof I speak on this one.

“Horatio’s kid!? Fuck and no!!!”

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Horatio Cornblower

In all seriousness, when I was coming out of high school UConn was a safety school. The application was a ditto. I had so-so grades, ran one year of cross-country, and didn’t do anything in terms of after-school activities other than work at a gas station, drink beer and occasionally smoke really bad pot. I did have very good SATs.

UConn, (pre 15 national titles in men’s and women’s basketball)

OHMYGOD, YOU LIKE US? YOU REALLY LIKE US???? PLEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSE COME TO THE STORRS CAMPUS AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!!!!

Both of my kids had better grades, both were more active in social activities, (clubs, working with special ed kids), (side note, both of my kids are far better persons than me), and my son threw in varsity baseball as well.

UConn: (post 15 national titles in men’s and women’s basketball, and I think a men’s soccer title as well). The both of you can go to the Hartford branch and consider yourselves lucky we even looked at your application.

Never kid yourselves that athletic success in a TV sport does not make a huge difference in how a college looks nation, and even world, wide basis.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I had a National Merit Scholarship coming my way and they wanted kids with those to stay in-state so bad they literally would have paid me to go to UConn.

Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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Horatio Cornblower

That was the only thing I had going for me out of high school. Sadly my kids did not inherit my ability to take the shit out of a standardized test, which is likely why they got the branch school acceptance.

Although apparently with all the new off-campus housing options in Storrs UConn is so desperate for room-and-board that they will bus kids from Storrs to the Hartford buildings while letting them live on the Storrs campus.

1
scotchnaut

Holy Huggins Mumu! West Virginny is on the board!

0
King Hippo

might need to make that my flipping option over Wazzu/JV RRRRRRRRRAM IT

0
King Hippo

I forgot about UTSA/JV 500s on FS1. That’s quite watchable.

0
King Hippo

JV 500s are wearing, basically, throwback Oilers’ kit. Daring a lawsuit, for sure. Love it.

1
scotchnaut

I’m such a shithead-I’ve access to 9 games and am pissy that I can’t watch that one.

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King Hippo

I get it. Couldn’t wait ONE WEEK to see if the Spectrum/ESPN slapfight could get resolved. I now have cable AND YouTube TV (with Sunday Ticket). It’s a good thing I never leave the house.

1
yeah right

I switched to YouTube TV and since I family share and have every fucking streaming service ever and bought the Sunday Ticket for about 2 fitty.

In the words of those great patriots Rage Against the Machine.

Fuck it!
Cut the cord!

0
King Hippo

I will cut one of them after the FITBAW season ends. Flipping channels is a pain in the ass. And the Washington/Boise game buffered not once but twice.

1
scotchnaut

All these home teams scheduling pantywaist squadoos that they can bulldoze into oblivion, and then there’s Boston College.

1
King Hippo

Those BC/Cal games will be a true viewing delight for the neutral.

0
Horatio Cornblower

BC’s descent into irrelevance is *highly* entertaining.

0
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I loved Caitlin Clark as that kid in Dazed and Confused

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Gumbygirl

The one Big Gay Ben Affleck wanted to paddle on his smooth, firm buttocks?

1
scotchnaut

Did some canning with a niece and nephew this afternoon so I’m way behind in my drinking.

/introduced niece to the notion that maybe, just maybe, hobos aren’t real people and no one would miss them if they were killed. She laughed-we may have a future DFOer on our hands.

6
King Hippo

WISDOM – Pass it on!

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“That’s not right, you really shouldn’t be caning other people’s children, even if they’re family.” – Adrian Peterson

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herodotus450

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herodotus450

“Nice”
-Adrian P.

1
yeah right

For the first time in over 25 years I am not playing fantasy football.

It’s oddly very freeing.

1
blaxabbath

I don’t know the players anymore either.

2
yeah right

Same with baseball. I quit fantasy baseball about 5 years ago and don’t miss it at all.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is the Gratuitous Simpsons References league done?

0
yeah right

I’m thinking so. I looked for my team and couldn’t find the league.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean I’m 100% fine with that. I just didn’t want to be responsible for a dead team.

0
Horatio Cornblower

I’m probably going to fire it back up as soon as I can find my password, but I’m not sensing a lot of enthusiasm here.

Which is fair. I don’t have much either.

1
scotchnaut

If anyone wants to start up a league on the quick, count me in.

0
yeah right

We should ask Horatio.

0
Horatio Cornblower

As above, (so below) (weird movie) no one still active here seems all that fired up about it, and I don’t really care. The people no longer active on the site who I’m still in touch with haven’t contacted me about it either. I was going to fire it up at that last minute, but I’m just as happy to let it go.

0
Horatio Cornblower

I’m gonna restart the league at the last minute, you know that right?

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yeah right

Either way. I’ll be first to ignore and the first team in.

0
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

That last picture features people dressed in black having a funeral for that boy’s innocence

2
ballsofsteelandfury

Resurrected as his first boner

2
yeah right

It looks like he has enough decorum to cover his awkward boner in the picture.

3
King Hippo

Dear Penthouse Letters KIDZ….

4
scotchnaut

[pours cup of tea, adjusts lighting, turns off phone, closes curtains, locks door, places charcuterie board on table, starts reading]

-M. Trestman, parts unknown

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