I don’t know who is playing footy but that should take care of itself in the comments. This is late so here we go…
To The Games!
Colts/Ravens:
You wouldn’t think it but Indy is only allowing 2.6 ypc so far. Expect that stat to be nudged upward by 4pm EST. Zay Flowers has 13 receptions after two weeks and all other Ravens wr’s have 16.
Titans/Browns:
Both these teams defend the run very well and each are getting less than adequate play at the qb spot so maybe expect this tilt to be a slog. Hey, KHunt is back in the mix!
Broncos/Fins:
Miami’s passing game (355 yards per) should continue to cruise even though Waddle is a no-show. Denver has Surtain but as a team they’re 23rd in defending the pass. So use that Braxton Berrios, you know you want to. Horsey’s are staring at 0-3.
Pats/Jets:
New England has won 14 straight and the beatings will continue until the Jets qb situation improves.
Bills/Commies:
Washington giveth and taketh in equal measure just as God herself intended. They’ve accumulated 12 sacks but have surrendered the same amount. They’ll need to keep Allen in the pocket (a tough ask) because he generates a number of positive plays outside it.
Falcons/Lions:
If you thought McCaffrey was the rb with the most catches you’d be mistaken. Bijan is the safety valve with the mostest. Detroit is down a few linemen so Gibbs has his work cut out for him. I’m curious to see if Atlanta’s 2-0 record has any substance behind it.
Saints/Packers:
Tony Brown, fresh off the practice squad, had himself a day last week with the two TD’s. With Williams on IR and Kamara away for another week I wonder how much we’ll see of rook rb Kendre Miller.
Texans/Jags:
How to destroy a young qb’s career. First what you want to do is pile up as many injuries on the o-line as possible so that he gets sacked 11 times in two games. (though he hasn’t thrown a pickeroo yet!) The Texans have a decent pressure rate so maybe Lawrence (44% when the cows come home) will struggle a bit.
Chargers/Vikes:
Somebody gonna get in the win column. All the positive juju that got used by Minny last year has evaporated and the underlying stats have come home to roost. Akers is in town now but big deal-this O runs thru JJ, Hockey and Addison.
Have at it.
Still, my Justin Jefferson team is on the precipice of 0-3. Miami gets to 56.
I’d make a “Dolphin schedule a Cupcake Game?” joke, but I don’t want to make an enemy of Hippo.
“How do we schedule one of these Cupcake Games?”
-Andy Reid
“Oh hell no I’m not doing another bake sale.” – Olivia Manning
Annual reminder that taking Balmer in Survivor is just asking for pain.
True of many things in Ballsitchmore
NOW Charmslinger is on the fuckup train!
Weird things happen in the NFL, I know. But that Texans/Jags score absolutely befuddles me.
what we think the nfc east is, the afc south has always been
NFL East is hilariously bad. AFC South is sneakily bad.
LAMAR! is still purdy good.
I swear Jim Nantz and Tony Romo are one stim toy away from treating Zach Wilson like a special needs child.
No iPad though, he just looks up the milf porn
Just checked my Freezer vodka team and all pretty blase until I got to the D/ST spot and saw the Bills giving me 24, lol. Maybe WAS and NYG can team up and assemble something resembling an offence.
I’m getting 33 from the Bills D, on my bench. Jags D is getting me a big, fat zero.
Up to 34 now
holy shit, 3:30pm and IND/BAL is almost over?
Its 9 47!
PM for me!
Chargers and Vikes finally putting some points on the board
THIS BUFFALO D, I CALL IT A BOARD OF INQUIRY, BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO END A FEW COMMANDERS’ CAREERS.
In Freezer Vodka, Maestro’s team name makes me giggle every time I see it. “Big Ole pile of Fuck”
I’m tired of new, creative names. I haven’t won a fantasy league in probably like six years. I don’t feel the joy of FF anymore. Therefore, the name conveys my mood and feeling perfectly. I will never change it now.
DOINK makes an appearance in France!
We lost signal for the match even though we’re docked in Bordeaux! Tempted to get off the boat and head to a bar but I’m probably too lazy
It’d be worth it, it’s a FANTASTIC game.
Russell Wilson has really played well. We are losing 42-goddamned-13
(on way to 49-13, unless they go for two)
You should’ve been specific in that wish.
Wow. It’s like the .500s are actually a real team that exists this week.
Damn. I must be hungover. No way a FB return TD score is a real thing.
I had to poke Gumby a couple of times with a barbeque fork, because the rage built up to an unbearable level. I feel a little better now.
and there goes the DONKS! contingent.
FB KICK RETURN?!?!?!? I know I am morning drunk but what the fuck?
Forget it, litre, its the Jaguars.
This legendary Bill Belichick discipline is leading to a lot of unforced penalties
Braxton Berrios. Still in the League. Not that the Donks noticed he was on the pitch.
Braxton Berrios was my favorite cereal growing up-the milk would turn purple!
What a start for Wales!
Derick Carr joining the Auto strike
Josh Allen ARM PUNT! in DC
Dragon got unleashed, fo sho
Freezer Vodka Update: DonT and I are going at it. My qb (Prison Girlfriend) currently has 5.12 points and his counterpart (Love) has 3.68.
We played a 64-63 slugfest last week!
My virtual defense* was great but the O sucked.
*Chris Liss reference!
We’ve got CRAB LEGS
“All you can eat?”
-A. Reid
Andy doesn’t bother chewing seafood.
Of course not, he’s got baleen for a reason!
This Chargers-Viking game is so fucking dull I am literally counting the commercials until noon so I can watch rugby. Ten minutes to go, so over/under is 11 ads.
Ah, a soulful cover of “I Drove All Night…”
Two Derek Jeter sightings.
Six ads so far…
Why is Jeter in Minnesota?
To replace Kirby Puckett
Five more…
Really enjoying watching the Buffalo D racking up points on my FF bench.
Unrelated, it appears that the new government of Niger found the perfect tactics to get the Frenchies to leave – it enforced a croissant blockade and the French did what the Frenchies do and waved the white flag 😀
What does Cecil have to say about the new nouvelles?
That’s THREE for Mrs. Malone
Derek Carr
Scott Hanson is a really funny dude, he can go mean with it, too!
Has he started calling Mile High “Elmer’s Glue Factory”?
They did a great slo-mo of angry Jest fan spitting out his dentures – Fixodent, and forget it!
Probably should bench Tua, don’t want Peyton bounty hunters looking for brains to collect.
Ravens are shitting
the bedthe windshield.THIS WASHINGTON D, I CALL THEM A BIPARTISAN CONGRESS BECAUSE THEY ARE LETTING A LOT OF BILLS PASS.
A bipartisan Congress? What color is the sky in your world?
or hes old enough to remember the vichy dems passing everything for reagan in the 80s
It is 8 am! it is Sauvignon Blanc time!
Where in the world is litre_cola?
Narnia?
Maui! With my best friend who works here!
Hey, I get half a point, because I did guess correctly that you’re in a magical place!
Shoutout to Mrs. Scotch-she’s working on a Sunday-unbidden-because one of her clients is not doing well.*
*a senior in a very bad family situation
Like many here, you married very well. Good jerb!
Raises hand me too!!
she needs to write for us again!
She is all mimosa’d up. She will take it on later.
Just so you know, I’m doing my part. I might (might) not finish off the gin this afternoon so that she can have a martini this evening.
NAWT ALLL HEROES WHERE CAPES smh
“Some do, though, right?” – Eli Manning, glancing in the direction of his closet
HAWT HIPPO TAEK – Right now, my NFL MVP is Myles Garrett
tua, because hes a qb, and hes not dead (yet)
(seriously, they gotta separate the qbs from the other players and give them their own cy young-esque award, because every year its gonna be a qb mvp)
More annoying halftime studio team; CBS or FOX?
Yes.
What the actual fuck, Jacksonville?!!! I’m going to get knocked out of the Elimination pool because they can’t beat the Texans!
Your first mistake was placing hope in anything having to do with Florida.
… or Atlanta for that matter *sigh*
Ah, nevermind.. I’ve picked the rapefish against the donks… Whew, I thought I’d believed in the Falcons for a second
This Denver match would really be pissing me off, if I weren’t already ded inside.
RAGE, RAGE AGAINST TEH DYING OF TEH LIGHT
I’d offer you a shot of my Bacardi, but.. I don’t know if they even make the 151 anymore… and I’d rather get exacerbated myself than to share :p
Where this season is going you wont need eyes
Is it good or bad that it doesn’t even seem like Russ’ fault this time?
YES
My kitten Grandson keeps going for the pass breakup, no matter how many times I tell him it’s just TV
HIPPO’S KITTEN, I CALL HIM JJ WATT BECAUSE HE’S ALWAYS STUDYING TAPE. RISE AND GRIND!
Yeah, he’s DEFFO an early riser, started biting my hair at like 6 this morning
“You usually have to pay extra for that. Lucky.”
-Wayne Rooney, 2011
Of course, Watson would be motivated to score on the Tits.
Unrelated – guys, read you product manuals, as you may discover the oddest shit. ie – that the unopened accessory box with your laptop has a water cooler module inside :D.. And yes, while the idea of mixing a laptop with water is enough to trigger some PTSD flashbacks, on the other… the 4090 can boost even higher than it does now and moar FPS is moar bettAR
With less than 2 minutes remaining the Titans have, collectively, -2 yards rushing.
To be fair, the Browns are rushing at a 1.7 ypc clip.
Are they leaving El Tractorcito in the barn today?
King Henry has been moved to an estate upstate.
Founding Fathers, shitting his pants.
Since 1796
I was told that Chargers/Minny was going to be a scorefest.
Wrong Minnie.
Mickey Mouse in divorce court, and the judge says “I understand you are moving for divorce on the grounds of mental incompetency?”
Mickey – I didn’t say anything about that, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY.
That harlot.
EAT SHIT McDaniel!!!
I don’t mean to jinx things too much, but.. are we turning the MILFHunter into Darnold 2.0 at this point?
an insult to darnold, whom is still employed by a team in the nfl, which milfhunter will most certainly not be in a few years
Darnold will stay on a roster just to help the NFL with its ADA compliance…
don’t forget the tax deduction!
Plus, given that 6 teams gave Josh Rosen a chance after it became glaringly obvious that he was a titanic bust, skill doesn’t mean as much as simple hubris by coaches to be the ones to “salvage a first rounder”
Somebody should ask ChatGPT whether Sam Darnold is the only NFL QB with Down’s Syndrome?
Saints D looking like world beaters.
Why do the Jaguras struggle so damn much against an imaginary team?
LAMAR! with the dropsie-doodle