Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 5, 2023 Season

What a time to be alive, eh?  Some things happened yesterday, and here is what I discrened about a subset of said things.

We get a near-perfect lineup, in terms of spacing.  1-6-4-1, with each “1” being intriguing enough to serve as a stand-alone option.  But with the NFL, every matchup/window seemingly can serve as a “surprise package” for the viewer.

Take Jaguras/Bills Mafia, for literal starters.  Explosive offenses, but it was 11-7 for what felt like 80% of the game.  It went more than a little plaid at the end, with London’s finest (but somehow the AWAY side) gaining a 2-score lead, immediately losing it, then repeating the process.  25-20, after a whole bunch of hilarity that I can’t all the way remember.  Buffalo had lots of deaths, and lots of tributes to BLEERGH.  Brokeback was in his God Mode, but somehow it wasn’t quite enough.  Solid job by Evan Engram nudging the onside kick into touch, sealing the 5:4 ratioed win.

Good news for P*ts fans?  Well, Grumblelord didn’t break his 1-week old record for “worst margin of defeat in HC career.”  And I think he’s committed to the tank.  Caleb Williams would give him a real shot at a late career renaissance.  The bad news?  He only managed by 1 point, and put up a nice, shiny goose egg AT HOME.  To…the N’Awlins Saints?  Dunno when their last away clean sheet was, but I betcha it’s been awhile.  I thought The Legend of White Mac had its final chapter last week, but surely it’s over now (5.0 YPA, 3 turnovers).  RIGHT?  Well, Bailey Zappe was 3-for-9 with 2.4 YPA, so…anyway, it’s pain regardless.  Emo Carr game-managed well, as is his nature.  34-nil, final.

Indy can’t play pass defense, and they didn’t start yesterday.  Nuk exploded for 8/140.  Jonathan Taylor carried 6 times for 18 yards.  Anthony Richardson got hurt again (shoulder this time, but throwing shoulders are kind of important).  But those plucky Humps went to 3-2 with a 23-16 win inside the Gravy Boat.  Zack Moss has been, well, very good – all season long.  And he looks like he intends to keep his job, regardless of my fellow pillhead’s contract largesse.  Nobody had run for 100 against the Tits’ front seven in quite a while.  Moss tallied 165 and 2 scores.  Does the Surly Duff crown go through Indiana?  Unfortunately for the Jaguras, they are out of London fixtures for 2023.  They’ll have to scrap to 9-8 from their humble North Florida secondary base of operations.

I was all ready to semi-crown the 500s, as CJ Stroud was excellent yet again.  First, Stroud set a record (previously held by Fat Sackford, with Dreamboat a close second) for most passing attempts without a pick to start one’s career.  Second, he led a dramatic, late Q4 TD drive to take a 19-18 lead.  Unfortunately, there was time left for Desmond Ridder to actually do a good.  Which he did, setting up Younghoe to nail the winner at the death.  21-19, Falcons.  Ridder went for 329, no picks, 8.9 YPA.  Ain’t nobody see that one coming.  He’s available on waivers, and NO you should not pick him up.  And NO, one should not take the 3-2 Falcons seriously.  Still coming down to MRSA v. Saints in the NFC South.

Baltimore and Yinzburgh slugged their way to a 17-10 mudder, typical for their rivalry.  Except it was maybe the weirdest 17 yinz’ll ever see, with PIT sitting on a lone FG for most of the game.  But with 11 and change to play, they jailhouse broke through for a punt block that just eked over the backline of the end zone for a safety.  I was excited for the shiny mathematics of a 10-5 final (as it had been 10-3 forever, and only the Ratbirds seemed like adding to their tally).  But the Stiller defense had other ideas, and clamped down like junkyard dogs.  As WCS noted live, it was typical Mike Tomlin shitshow voodoo, defying all logical explanation.  FG cuts it to 10-8, Balmer 1st and goal inside the 5 but comes away with fuckshit – tossing a bad pick on 3rd down.  Against all odds, Uncle Jack marched the “inept all day” offense down the field for an 80-yard TD drive.

Would LAMAR! have time to work his magic?  No, TJ Watt and pals turned him over yet again.  Even PIT’s formation penalty (which allowed another last gasp try, instead of being able to bleed the clock down inside 10 seconds) didn’t faze them.  They just kicked another, meaningless FG to hit 17 for the final margin.  Ratbirds do not get the road sweep of their division foes, and look who is somehow 3-2 and in first place.  Mike Motherfucking Tomlin.  Despite losing to the Texans 30-6.  Words fail.

Go look at the win probability graph here – just insane.

The other two games showed why there is no shame in taking “chalk” in your SurvivoUr pool.  DET kicked the everloving shit out of the visiting Black Panthers, as expected (42-24, thanks only to garbage time).  Baby Buster at home is perfect for this team and offense.  MIA kicked the everloving shit out of the visiting Vertically Enhanced Persons, as expected (31-16, thanks only to long FGs and a 102-yard pick six late in Q2).  Nobody in the League can keep up with the LOLfins’ speed, and they are scary as fuck.  But can they do it on a cold Tuesday night in Stoke, say the doubters.  If they get the 1 seed, who says they’ll have to?

Oh late window.  How you tortured my soul.  Of course Fatty Payton lost at home to the goddamned Jest.  After all the childish taunting of Nathaniel Hackett, how could he not?  Donks waste a breakout performance from UDFA running back (and Hippo bench participant) Jaleel McLaughlin, somehow giving up an even bigger day to “yeah I am healthy now” Breece Hall (194 total yards and a score).  Charmslinger had one last shot, thanks to a bonkers, between-his-legs-secured pickerception inside the 5 by Pat Surtain.  But 2:14 and one timeout was a hard ask, and Charmslinger fumbled before he could even cross midfield.  Noo Yawk ran it back for an unnecessary, but fair dagger of a TD, 31-21 is your final.

Joe Burrow finally looked mostly alive this week, and good for the Redshirt clan.  WKRP’s defense also stepped up, for an all-around, solid B+ performance in the desert – good for a 34-20 win over those plucky Black Powder Qards.  2-3 and not ded yet, the AFC North looks like it could be a roller coaster, with even MOAR vomit than usual.   Ja’Marr Chase broke a team record 15 catches (for 192 and THREE scores).  Chase’s yardage total was more than AZ could manage through the air, combined.  Solid work, young man.  He gon’ get PAID.

Iggles/RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT! just sped on by, or so it seemed.  Philly mostly managed the game, but Hurts finished with almost 400 total yards.  I get the feelings I am nitpicking them too much, for not being as consistent as the Tomsulas, or as flashy as the LOLfins.  Anyway, they turned a few defensive penalties into a chance for the “rolling tank” play with :02 from the 1, right before HT.  This would cap a 75-yard drive in 32 fucking seconds, for a 17-14 lead they would never relinquish – or even see reduced.  Two FGs from clock and lifeblood draining drives would give us 23-14 for a final.  If you’ve been Waiting for Goedert in fantasy?  Congrats, a winner is you this week.

Minneapolis-area Swifties were devastated – no TayTay at this game.  Travis Kelce missed his boo so much, that he did in his ankle.  Somehow, he came back to catch the decisive TD, as KC held on to win, 27-20.  Dingleberry did his usual, taking an inexcusable delay of game on 4th and 7 (they were out of timeouts), and later getting sacked rather tyhan release his load early on the game’s final play (would have been a Hail Mary from the Chefs’ 37).  Justin Jefferson also left the game with a hamstring owie, like Kelce in non-contact fashion.  Maybe, just MAYBE the players and their union are FUCKING RIGHT about playing on turf?  Anyway, KC host Denver on a short week, an easy enough task to rest their star TE.  Shit, they could play all backups and still win by 10.  Vikes are now 1-4, and mostly ded.

That leaves a Narrative-laden SNF matchup, the Cowpersons’ trip to Santa Clara.  NFC Title game preview?  Revenge and/or nostalgia for one their “seemingly around once a decade classic January battles?”  Consider the “title warning” sent out, in British parlance – as Purdy Mouth absolutely carved the N-GCp apart.  Kittle scored thrice, everyone gets their turn at the Tomsulas’ carnival (even the fullback, who scored tuddy #5).  This is as good a team as the salary cap era has seen, in my view.  I stopped the typity-typing at 35-10, early Q4.  But YES, I watched until the very end because THERE ARE RULES.

Tonight is Vegas/Packers, many of us (Hippo included) will need some fantasy fortune.  See y’all then.