Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 7, 2023 Season

Look, it’s not like I see everything being ok in the world just because the Donks (WOO!!) finally won a FITBAW match.  No, it’s because (i) Donks won; (ii) U*NC lost to 1-5 Wahoowa AT HOME; and (iii) NC State didn’t play.

Plus, I don’t have to worry about my Loser Pool any MOAR!!!  It’s all coming up Milhouse!

I don’t want to say we have The Redemption of White Mac just yet.  It’s one game, against an injury-riddled defense.  But that charmless overseer stepped up BIGLY after the P*ts defense finally wore down and gave up 15 late points to Brokeback and Palz (short field off a weird fumble play ain’t help none).  Still, 2 minutes and one timeout is a tall mountain to climb, and give the fuckweasel (and Grumblelord) credit not settling for 3 and an OT loss.  They punched it in with a nice toss to the TE with just 12 ticks remaining, 29-25 NE gets Belicheck his 300th win.  Have a MILF, Coach.  You’ve earned it.  Asshole.

There’s certainly a formula for beating Bills Mafia (as outlined by the Vertically Enhanced Persons last SNF), but I still wouldn’t want to see them in my playoff draw.  Hard to keep up that level of physicality for four full quarters (as shown last week and yesterday).

But lo, it was the Day of the Living Ded, as a whole lot of hind teat jumped up and got theirs.  Take the previously 1-5 Vertically Enhanced Persons, who you might expect to be flatter than a sledgehammered pancake after last week’s heartbreak.  But no, they jumped all over Rebecca Malone and her Commies.  It was 14-nil in Q2, and the rout looked to be on.  But man, does Jersey A ever shoot itself in the foot on the regular.  Washington clawed a TD back, and seemingly had the ball (and in plus territory) all fucking 2nd half.  But they could not put up a crooked number, or any number (thanks to Joey Slye’s shank from 27 yards), and 14-7 it derpily ended.  Mrs. Malone took 6 sacks and tossed 1 pickerception, which is in all honesty (even at sub-6 YPA) one of her better games.

Tyrod looked good, and the always Reacting Reasonably Big Blue fans will have kittens when Dimebag goes straight back into the XI.  Which he will.

Even Chi**** got into the act, Division II UDFA quartered back and everything!  He Captain Checkdowned Vegas to death, 30-12.  This was apparently the Bearistocrats!’ first home win since September.  September of 2022.  Kind of fucking sad, really.  But they fully earned this one, with great performances from 3rd string tailback D’Onta Foreman, along with the entire defense.  Not easy to hold any professional team under 250 yards, and that was even after garbage time fluff.  Hoyer Country was really, REALLY bad.

The 4th 1-win team to notch their 2nd, as noted above – my very own Denver Broncos.  They don’t like making life easy, blowing a 16-3 lead.  At home.  Against a still-quite-bad Jordan Love.  But RW slung *JUST* enough charm to get Lionel Hutz into long FG range.  Thank fuck for altitude, and for the subsequent Packers drive going askew thanks to a holding BLEERGH.  Donks 19, Packers 16.

Maybe Minnesota can get back into the AFC North race after all?  I mean, probably not.  But Green Bay sure is six feet under the frozen tundra.

Boxscore skimming will paint a wild, 39-38 win for #ThePauls in the Gravy Boat.  But holy shit, was their offense horrible.  And the zebras absolutely stole the game from Indy at the death.  Similar to PIT/LAR late, but at least RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! still had lots of work to do even had they not been fucked sideways (and dry).  The Humps could and should have been able to kneel away a 38-33 win.  But it is what it is.  That AFC North is looking formidable once again.

Because yes, Mike Tomlin worked MOAR voodoo in SoCal.  Despite the deafening support from the local faithful, RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! just kept fucking up.  The Yinzers (especially with taunting BLEERGHs) tried to keep up, but PIT’s defense made MOAR plays, and got each tailback a rushing score.  With just over 2:00 to play, they got stuffed on 4th and 1 near the LAR 40…but somehow the officials marked it a first down.  The OKC bomber was out of timeouts, and thusly could not challenge.  It would have been a rare, no-doubt successful spot challenge.  Meh, Pittsburgh probably would have won anyway.

Atlanta and the MRSA Men played in Tampa, for NFC South supremacy.  Christ, was this game ever terrible.  It was only close because Desmond Ridder is so fucking stupid.  THREE lost fumbles, costing his team at least 14 points (one as he slowed up crossing the goal line on a walk-in score – he got stripped out the side of the end zone for a VAR-induced touchback.  Mayfield took that very second chance down for a typing FG, but left enough time for one long catch by Pitts.  Younghoe won it from 51, final score 16-13.  Just awful football.  Arthur Smith almost had a stroke.  And they WON.

Balmer surely didn’t enter Sunday ded, but in vaguely “Forgot About Dre” territory.  After pistol-whipping Detroit 38-6 (and the final score might even be a tad generous to the Lions), put them back on the “top contenders” shelf.  Lamar! has very clearly lost a step, maybe two.  But he’s using his agility to move WITHIN the pocket, go through his progressions (also vastly improved there), and only run when nothing else is there.  When their offense is in full synch, it really is something to behold.  Going to be very hard to stop on a good day, the problem has always been consistency.  Detroit should probably just burn the game film and move on, don’t let this battering beat you twice.

After a slow Q1 at Arrowhead, the Chefs and Clippers combined for FIVE touchdowns in Q2.  Mahomes was on pace for like 660 yards, entering the half with a 24-17 lead.  And shit, it almost ENDED the same scoreline.  I don’t even have a good grasp of what happened, but apparently the 2023 KC defense replaced 2022’s for the last half of the action.  They made Herbert the Duck very uncomfortable, at least.  Finally, Mahomes got over 400 and put things to bed late with a short TD pass to Pacheco, 31-17.  Kelce caught 12 balls for 179, because he was almost entirely shut down after HT  TayTay was lip read saying* Oooooh, dat boy makes me MOIST.

*Did not actually say, please do not sic the Swifties on poor Hippo.  She just did silly fangirl shit with Mrs. Mahomes.

Arizona, much like Vegas, stayed under the 250 yard mark.  Predictably, this did not result in a road win in Seattle.  Equally predictably, it only ended 20-10 because that’s how Pete Carroll LIKES IT.  Game was boring except for all the derpy shit (mostly done by the Qards), so I ain’t got much else to say.

Until Fish/Iggles SNF fun and games, that is!  A true marquee matchup, good enough to at least TRY keeping the Collinsworth verbal diarrhea unmuted.  In the end, I went about 50/50, fair enough for a back-and-forth contest.  Iggles ran out 17-3, but Tua made a really nice throw to Tyreek late in the half, 17-10 at the break.

Then…the first big oppsie-doodle, a rush induced bad throw that Miami ran back for the tying score.  But once again…Hurts showed off his unflappable nature, marching methodically down the field for an immediate response.  24-17 entering Q4.  Philly then re-gained its defensive mojo, turning Tua over and breaking their will with multiple 4th-and-1 Rolling Tank conversions, en route to the final score in a solid 31-17.

Jalen Hurts…does not skip leg day.  That raw power allowed the offense to change Sirriani’s mind and go for the first conversion, deep in Iggles territory.  And they made it easily, because they are FAR AND AWAY the best at the Rolling Tank play.  It’s unique, fun, hard to duplicate (as everyone else is finding out).  That’s one of the greatest things about FITBAW, you know you’ve never seen it all.  It always changes, evolves, surprises.

If nothing else, America has at least given this fine gift to the world.  Eleven MOAR weeks, then playoffs.  Keep it coming!