Good morning, folks. I’m stepping in for tWBS in writing this Motivational because he’s still dead. Three years… Wow. Luv ya man [pours black coffee over kitchen ants].

I think about tWBS at least weekly, on account of his commitment to post something positive every Wednesday, even when he didn’t want to (as he said himself on this post from 4/22/20). And now that the Titans are 4-8, it’s time to temper this, how you say… [rotates right hand] Disillusion. So it’s time for some uplifting crap and stuff.

FIRST: the planet has plenty of oxygen. Which is great, especially for the children, if you happen to care about them. Me? Children?

It’s hard enough to respect the opinion of anyone under 30 gimme a break. You’re in the clear, Weaselo and Maestro!

SECOND: rookie QB Will Levis has a gifted, not-scattershot arm, and he is fearless. On his first five games, Levis remained bolted to the pocket despite two offensive linemen going “Uh Oh SpaghetiOs” right after the snap on most passing downs. But on his sixth game, last Sunday against the Colts, Levis got a badass first down with his legs.

Guts AND hops. I’ve trusted worse, that’s for sure. You folks get to judge mister Levis on the next MNF, @ Dolphins, praise Gamblor. Since October, I had been having the Flex Jitters about TEN @ MIA. The early Sunday game is the Titans’ fiefdom, whose exploits are usually sung by CBS bards Spiro Dedes and Adam Archuleta—a sample:

—That was a bad play.

—[chuckles] Yeah. They needed a first down.

The Titans have a terrible secondary and an offense that almost never scores more than 20 points. I fretted over and over “No way TEN will be shown to the discerning eyeballs of National Football Lee gamblers and dedicated Swifties”. Well, as is often the case, I brooded unnecessarily. Tits are good enough for Prime Time, after all. Like the Bears, and Jets, and Patriots. And the Giants, who also happen to play next Monday as well. Rookie QB Will Levis or Rookie QB Tommy DeVito: who ya got? I got Levis, and it’s freakin’ refreshin’.

THIRD: [sigh] fine. It’s not OK to build yourself up through denigrating others. That’s what politicians do! Besides, there will always be someone who is in worse shape than you, a reality neatly captured in an old Spanish poem my mother used to recite all through my childhood.

🚨CLUNKY TRANSLATION ALERT🚨

They tell of a wise man who one day, was so poor

and miserable that he only sustained himself on some herbs that he ate;

 –Is there another—he said to himself—poorer and sadder than me?

 And when he turned his face, he found the answer by seeing,

that another wise man was eating, the herbs that he threw.

Pedro Calderón de la Barca, 1600

~0~

The more unfortunate deserve understanding (ideally compassion, but sometimes dry and shriveled hearts can’t afford it). So maybe, just maybe, we can consider that Bryce Young is in a very bad situation, instead of cannonballing and splashing around in BUUUUUUUUST waters, or the Short, Short, Man Springs.

Counterpoint: schadenfreude is the birthright of every sports fan. Losses suck. Rivalries are inevitable. Your team trades away players that thrive on other teams who then fuck over your team in “revenge” games. Fandom runs on spite—spite and hope, actually, like a hybrid Delusion Car. In my case, I have been the proud driver of the “Mac Jones is not good” coupe since his rookie season. I hereby declare, with full solemnity, that my dry and shriveled heart has been warmed by the three-headed Mackie & Zappe & Bill O’Brien Cerberus of shit.

Resolución: I draw the line at injuries. Injuries are an everyday occupational hazard for NFL players, even during practice. Aside from obvious health concerns, an injury can put a severe economic strain on the livelihood of players. So this is a real person* issue, deserving of a baseline of respect.

* Inapplicable to Deshaun Watson. Fuck that guy.

FOURTH: Appreciate what you have—IT’S AN ORDER!

Just kidding, jk. Although, I do appreciate that gem of OG Hispanic Catholic parenting.

On his rookie season, in 2022, Titans punter Ryan Stonehouse set the all-time NFL record for yards per punt average (53.1), beating out Slingin’ Sammy Baugh’s 51.4 average (1940). On the 2023 season, Stonehouse was averaging precisely his historic stat (53.1), more than two yards over AJ Cole, the punter for the RAAAAAAIIIII DUUUUUUUUUURS.

Last Sunday, Ryan Stonehouse suffered a season ending injury in the Colts game, after the punt was blocked FOR THE SECOND CONSECUTIVE SNAP taken by Stonehouse. It was ruled a fumble.

#Obligatory

On the last play of 2023 for The Weapon Presented by Ryan Stonehouse, the rusher came in so hot that Stonehouse’s precious, supernal foot did not get the chance to punt–nay, touch–the god damn fucking ball. Tennessee fired the special teams coach, Craig Aukerman, the Monday after the game. It was fair AND overdue. TEN’s special teams have been bad for years but Aukerman remained in the Vrabel Tenure Bubble (which, to be fair, is not as large as the QAron Entourage, but enough digress). Last Sunday Colts game was straight coaching malpractice by Aukerman. I mean,

Ryan Stonehouse is a professional athlete and is only 24 years old. He will pull through. I have full faith in the banner tweet.

Still, it was a great privilege to watch Stonehouse’s career so far. Clear excellence is something that we rarely get to see, much less experience in any professional sphere. Ryan Stonehouse has been historically excellent. Watching him punt and flip the field routinely has been inspirational, as was watching Weapon 1.0 Brett Kern. Maybe that’s what the Titans do, just hiring one Hall of Famer after another, just like the Packers went from Brett Favre to Aaron Rodgers.

But for punters. Hit it: