The roads to the Owl will run through Baltimore, MD and Santa Clara, CA. Congrats to the Ratbirds and Tomsulas for clinching their 1 seeds, even before the Week 18 schedule drops. Quality work, y’all.
Such praise is especially earned by Balmer, who followed up their Week 16 humbling of Purdy Mouth with an absolute shit-pushing-in of Fuck You, LOLfin. Lamar! tossed 5 TD passes in a Most Glorious 56-19 Scorigami event. The flannel-clad, now-certain putative MVP could have had even MOAR, but Greater Harbs wisely pulled his starters late. Tyler Huntley even got his. Full panic stations in Miami, ahead of their Week 18 home tilt with the Bills Mafia,
Despite giving up a game-opening kickoff return TD, and another horrifying passing performance from Brokeback QB…Buffalo clinched at least a wild card, and will play Miami for the AFC East crown. All thanks to getting the Zappe P*ts, at home. The gift that keeps on giving (unless one is the Donks). It wasn’t exactly a blowout, but the 27-21 win did what they had to do. Speaking of Allen, he’s turned into early season Strawberry Fields – a fantasy force only due to his goal line running ability. He’s been liquid shit passing, for some time now. Long enough to merit significant concern in WNY.
Put a pin in that, because Strawberry Fields is now (apparently) PEAK Josh Allen, making plays with his legs but also looking like a plus-plus starter with his arm. Imagine the December Bears team, with Marv Harrison and Best Available Lineman added in the draft. They could be on the precipice of a Great Leap Forward, if they have the bollocks to pass on Caleb Williams. Or…September 2024 comes around, and Fields’ brain goes back to a pumpkin. You just never know, do you? This game was pretty with all the snow, despite the uglience of the Falcons’ so-called offense. 37-17, Chi**** fans go home drunk as usual – but happy drunk this time.
Fat Humps survive at home, 23-20 over the now-eliminated Raiders. I have nothing to say about this sportsball event.
Everyone in the Surly Duff is 9-7, except the Tits. Because the 500s got their quartered back….back, while concurrently knocking Tennessee’s the fuck out. Tanny Fanny took many sacks with his sundial mind, and Houston wins a 26-3 laugher.
Jaguras? Also won, also scored 26. But they also secured the clean sheet against the visiting, very shitty Black Panthers. When you lose by FOUR FUCKING SCORES to former West Wing Press Secretary CJ Cregg, you have a lot of franchise soul-searching to do. This result also clinched the first pick for the Bears. All 1s are set in stone!
What the absolute monkeyfuck is going on in Philly? A home lead of 21-6 at the half, over the hapless Qardinals. Tied up at 21, then again at 28. Jonathan Gannon goes surprise onside kick, Iggles recover. With the short field, they sneak into FG range, but can’t bleed the clock dry. And the Matt Patricia defense folded like a house of cards, for the 35-31 loss. Dallas is now the 2 seed, thanks to zebra fuckery on Saturday night. Oy. That NFC 4-5 Wild Card is gonna be a tough watch.
The resurgent MRSA Men could have clinched that 4 seed, with a home win over the reeling Saints. Predictably (in retrospect), they shat all over themselves. A late, mostly garbage time rally cut a 20-zip deficit to the final 23-13 margin, but N’Awlins really kicked their teeth in. Both are 8-8 heading into the final weekend, division in the balance. Tampa still has the easiest path, FWIW. On the road, but they get the 2-14 Panthers in a win and in scenario.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! tried really hard to give their much-needed win away. But the Vertically Enhanced Persons just wouldn’t take it. Both squadrons missed extra points. Los Angeles also committed a BLEERGH allowing New York to go for two and the lead. Play was wide open, and Tyrod missed it. But then Tyrod made a big, last-gasp play to get them back into FG range in the dying seconds. Which Mason Crosby shanked badly, because it was that kind of day. 26-25, and meastly Kyren Williams makes his crew a dangerous 6 seed.
Rebecca Malone lost the starting job, but then had to play anyway (Brissett hamstring owie). Against the Tomsulas, it went quite badly. 27-10 to the visitors, even with a McCaffrey injury. Keep a wary eye on that for the playoffs, though.
Mike Tomlin Voodoo. It’s real, and it’s spectacular. Remember when he looked completely cooked, before turning in desperation to the corpse of Mason Rudolph? This week, the home SeaTruthers fall victim, and join the hapless 8-8 NFC dreck pile, hoping for a win and help for the 7 seed. Stillers get the win, 30-23. PIT is 9-7, with a shot at the last Wild Card – and a guaranteed non-losing season. Fuckin. Voodoo.
I’m massively annoyed by the Fatty Payton power play, humiliating Charmslinger with a benching that he didn’t earn. Stidham was predictably mediocre-to-bad, but Easton Stick was no match for the mango-clad defense. It felt like the entire 2nd half was garbage time, but the Clips managed a late 52-yard FG to cut the final margin to 16-9 (before the obligatory failed – BARELY – onside kick and kneeldowns).
As bad as Donks/Clips was, Chefs/WKRP was even worse. OK, worse at least relative to expectations. Mahomes and the offense are broken, and Kelce looks cooked. Cincy took a 17-7 lead, thanks to the addition of Border Patrol (h/t Spam) giving them a killer 1-2 rushing punch with Beatie Mixon. Unfortunately for Bengals supporters, that was all the offensing they’d get. Pacheco and Rashee Rice made just enough plays for them to limp across the finish line, 25-17. Yes, that is SIX placements (7 including the lone extra point). AFC West champs once again, but essentially drawing ded in January. (Famous last words, I know.) Also, STFU, Romo.
Sunday night is must-see TV, solely for the Week 18 schedule reveal (I eventually lost patience and went to bed, sorry). Because SKOL…didn’t even show up, despite being at home. Ask not for whom the skolfucking fucks, for it fucks for thee.
We close out 2023’s exhibition season with the following. Watch, while remembering to be grateful that, starting in 2024, JV NFL will finally have a post-season that isn’t markedly worse than its regular season.
Wisconsin (+10) v. LSU – Apparently No Longer the Outback Bowl (Noon, ESPN2)
Pour one out for the Bloomin’ Onions, I guess. It’s still the Bowl where disappointing SEC and B1G squadrons get sent to think about what they’ve done. The line seemingly indicates LSU’s QB is playing? But I’m too lazy to look it up.
Liberty (+16.5) v. Oregon – Lionel Richie Fiesta! For-ev-a! Bowl (1:00, ESPN)
Hey, it’s All Nite Long somewhere. Gonna be a long 4 quarters for the Libtards, unless Falwell was able to out-bribe Phil Knight.
Iowa (+6) v. Tennessee – No, Cheez-Its Are Not Citrus Fruit Bowl (1:00, ABC)
Even in the South/B1G flyover country. Let’s not be silly, and/or get scurvy, people!! Vols will be breaking out their (literal) million dollar recruit/freshman QB. God only knows what Team Cornpone has planned in response.
In reference to Alabama’s QB: “He slings that child’s arm all around Tuscaloosa.”
Source?
My 16 year old son.
Gonna go ahead and have #23 and #24 from my advent calendar. There’s a #25, but it’s a special one so gonna have that stand alone on a different day
THIS DOCKTOR ZYMM, I CALL HER A SAINT, CAUSE SHE HAS ALL THE PATIENCE WHEN IT COMES TO FOLLOWING A RELIGIOUS CALENDAR.
Welp, my sons fought all day. My father in law left in a huff. My wife is mad. Switching to beer.
Did your sons not fight hard enough and that’s why the FiL left? and the Mrs is mad that in their poor showing they’ve shamed the family name?
Typical bullshit. My sons were arguing, I was yelling. He’s used to his house where it’s as quiet as a church. Sorry, my house is not that way. You don’t like? GTFO
Keep in mind that CJ Cregg eventually became chief of staff, too.
I completely forgotted that part!
From bloody marys to screwdrivers to bourbon rocks. don’t call it a come back.
How bad is Bama gonna boatrace Michigan?
It’s gonna be Georgia FSU all over again
Next threaderino drops at 5 EST, and will cover both RAGING SEMI windows (and serve as open thread)
BOW DOWN!
Just rearranged a bunch of my furniture. New!
And neatened up a wire nest, good stuff!
Dok’s current residence, dramatic re-creation:
Cheez-Its: orange
Citrus: orange
Tennessee: orange
What did Iowa bettors think was gonna happen???
You just know Iowa’s coach wanted to send his “retiring” OC son off with a clean sheet.
“Godzilla is doing much better vs fighter planes than King Kong ever did-if that isn’t proof of evolution I don’t know what is.”
-Joe Rogan
Voice Over: “We’ve secretly replaced the Wisconsin Badgers offensive line with the Cincinnati Bengals offensive line. Let’s see if the quarterback notices.”
Is WCS awake? Because JV NFL BLITZ! is imminent
The Go Fuck Yourself, JV Cincy! Bowl is going full Bananacake.
Hey, that’s right! We get a 4th Place Schedule for Next Year!
Cincinnati Bengals Schedule | Future Opponents
Eric Idle – “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life” – STEREO HQ (youtube.com)
2226 World Cup winners? MALI. I shit you NOT!
Do you honestly think the planet will be inhabitable in 202 years?
Our robot overlords will continue to play sports.
Maybe it’s nostalgia, maybe it’s because it’s in my wheelhouse, but that’s in my top 10 comedy sketches of all time.
Ain’t nostalgia; it’s perfect.
Ain’t nostalgia
You don’t know me, at all.
Showed that one to my father the last time he was over and worried I had done lasting damage to his ribs he was laughing so hard.
“And Marx is claiming it was offsides” is delivered just perfectly.
Can we bet on that? What’s the line?
Happy New Year, ya buncha palookas! Hope everything breaks just right for you all this year. Nothing but win tickets, healthy (grand)babies, promotions and true love. My resolutions this year dovetail with my transition into actual grown person, and involve my lifelong struggle with self-esteem and self-worth. Gonna have to get my arms around that shit if I have any hope of being any kind of teacher. Got my family, meds, sobriety, and therapist in my corner, so I’m running at this brick wall at 100 mph with a fucking helmet (with bitchin’ flame decals on it) on. Here’s to hopefully putting a dent in the fucker. Thanks for letting me be a big fuck up here whilst contributing comparatively little. Best clubhouse on the inter tubes. Cheers!
Wish you all the best!
onward! best of luck with your list, and while it might seem a tall order, remember to never let the bastards grind you down.
Me personally? Working to be more positive. Oof. That’s gonna be a tough one.
Go kick some ass Fronk. We know that while it won’t be easy, that with work, you will do this
We’re on to Ebirah, Horror of the Deep, which features a dance marathon at the outset. The alternate title should be “They Shoot Sika Deer, Don’t They?”
THIS TEAM, THE OREGON DUCKS, I CALL THEM ENEMIES OF FREEDOM BECAUSE THEY ARE DESTROYING LIBERTY
If the aliens in this movie are destroyed by sounds the Earthlings should simply make them listen to Cris Collinsworth announce Sunday Night Football.
They won’t make it to half-time.
So, one of my New Year’s Day things is to go for a jog in the morning. I slept in a bit today, so left at like 10 for my run. While not 100% before leaving, I do feel better now. And my wife rightfully made fun of me for going as she lied in bed.
My house used to be on the route for those NYD resolution runs, so the streets would be all be blocked off from vehicle traffic, so made for an easy run in the middle of the road for most of my normal running routes
/nothing fast
//6.5 km in about 40 minutes
Ice and heat your knees afterwards. It’ll really help cut down on soreness, and also it’s a good excuse to lay around watching TV while “taking care of my health”
I run regularly, so my legs are used to it. I also get new shoes after about 400 or 500 km of use, and that helps like you wouldn’t believe
But ya couch is always good
New shoes are crucial. Damned expensive too, but as an American the least I can do is help the Vietnamese economy.
Haha. Yep. I’ve had the same shoe for a buncha years, so just wait for them to go on sale and then get them then. And then wait if early to switch them out. Also donae care about the colour or if they are last year’s model. I gonna destroy them in a few months, so it don’t matter
I have deadly high arches, so I buy the exact same pair of old man tennis shoes every few years.
But this last year, they finally made a black model, so I can wear them like they’s normal loafers.
My hairdresser said makes me look like an off-duty cop.
Advil Gel Caps are your friend. Plus plenty of liquid. Start with water, move to hard liquor.
I tells ya, these here aliens are up to no good!! Call Agents Godzilla and Roman!!
Holy shit, Godzilla is firing from cover!
“I’m not surprised. A sneak attach from a dirty Jap….”
*mic cuts off*
-Bill Parcells
You wouldn’t think that a bunch of guys from Lynchburg VA would have a lot of trouble dealing with ducks, but you’d be wrong.
Liberty A.D.: “Gentlemen, I propose that we play this Oregon team-there are only a moderate amount of ducks to deal with.”
Liberty Official: “Wait, what are our other options?”
A.D.: “Well, there’s another offer from Ducks Unlimited University.”
Official: “Whoa! Ducks as far as the eye can see?”
A.D.: “Wave after unrelenting wave of Eiders, Harlequins, Mergansers, you name it.”
Official: “Fuck that! Er, garsh, no.”
A.D.: “That’s what I thought.”
/end scene
Saw a Hooded Merganser while walking the dog today.
They’re pretty cool.
We get Woodlands on our lake occasionally.
Here’s a turkey vulture with a dead squirrel, in our backyard in Arlington VA last summer.
I’d never seen a turkey vulture before this, but in fact they are common all over North & South America. They are huge, and the poor things are ugly, but they are very beneficial. They don’t kill anything, they just take what’s already dead and clean the land. It has almost no predators.
This bird was seemingly afraid of its own shadow, and was having trouble with that dead squirrel. It was stiff as a board and had probably been killed by a cat. The vulture kept dropping it, but finally succeeded.
We have turkey vultures here and they act exactly like the ones you see on the nature shows. They congregate around large moose and deer carcasses that have lost a run-in with larger transport vehicles.
They’re all over the place here. They love riding the air currents and looking the fields over for various deceased animals.
“Huh? I thought we were playing those faux rednecks from Duck Dynasty.”
Maybe Strawberry Fields and Brokeback got all squinched up in a teleporter accident and now they are the yin to the other’s yang, only one can be cromulent at a time to maintain the balance
It really is odd, and I greatly appreciate your ability to apply SCIENCE to it
She really does her best thinking laying on the Barcalounger in front of the magmafire!
There’s nothing cozier, plus it’s great for s’mores when I have guests
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Muhahahaha
Eh, it’s been done…
The “barf on my food to help me digest” scene is better than anything that hack Coppola slapped together.
Invasion of Astro-Monster update-
We’re 40 minutes in and there’s not been even a hint of a monster yet.
The monster is the friends they made along the way.
“The monster was inside of us all the time!”
-Some guy, wiping blood off his axe
A very special outdoor Winter Classic to Release The Kraken!!!
Interesting way to configure things. I’d have thought they’d put the rink along one of the sidelines, or even in one of the corners.
Oh, wait – is that the baseball stadium?
It sure is
The Liberty Godballers are going down!
“Lucky!”
-Deanna Favre
TCM stuck in the past? They just had a quick montage of men slapping women around.
Kind of wild that a cable channel would try to get themselves canceled.
Those broads needed it.
No wire hangers!
Just don’t burn the toast. I don’t see what’s so hard about it.
Also known as the intro reel to the “Ray Rice Appreciation Day” held in Baltimore yesterday.
Romo’s gullet was full of Chiefs spooge. Wht an asshole. “This is still a Super Bowl caliber team.” IN what fucking world?
Based on his own experience playing in the Owl, obviously.
/Ghidorah excerpt
Guy: “She is a thousand year-old princess from Venus!”
Doctor: “Let’s try shock treatment.”
They’re in a VA medical facility?
Turns out bowl games kind’ve always sucked?
“Except for my punch bowl games!”
-Swingin’ Larry Henderson
#13 LSU couldn’t get a better game than unranked Wiscy?
/yeah, I’m watching Godzilla and football because I contain multitudes
And that unranked Wisconsin team is giving them all they can handle, from the look of it.
There’s an absolutely stunning woman in Ghidorah, the Three-headed Monster-when does she get molested by a bunch of strangers on a train?
Every commute to and from the studio. Duh.
She’s wearing a sheet and getting jolted with 500 volts of electricity. Does that count?
I think it happened in Mumbai
I am so hungover I want to die.
You get right up on that horse mister!
/currently sipping on a (knock-off) Bailey’s and coffee
Today is all about BUTTRESSING one’s alcoholic bona fides. Put the fun back into functional, yada yada
Deci wants to go to the pub for the Liverpool game
Kindly inform him that Redshites are gobshites
I’m on my second bloody mary, things don’t seem so dark, but then again, things don’t seem so good
New Years Day Earthquake in LA!
Just a small rumble.
Sharks and the Jets?
Nobody Wobbles in LA!
I slept through it. What time and how much?
8:27 am right off the coast of Long Beach and PV. Right here actually.
We’ve reached “the Japanese natives are praying to the Mothra egg” portion of the program.
The special effects are amazing. The actors look just like real Japanese people!
“There’s been an earthquake in Japan and TCM is currently hosting a Godzilla marathon. Coincidence? You decide.”
-Alex Jones
If not for that 4 game bed shitting streak by my Jaguras, they’d be locked into the playoffs instead of having to abuse DonT’s Magnificent Tits next week.
And in nobody cares news – I wrapped up 3rd place in my FF league, which is about as satisfying as getting to feel up your second hottest cousin at the family reunion (or so I’m told).
You live in Kingsland (Or St Marys, or God help you, Woodbine.) You know all about the incest, you see the results daily!
The total Hippo entertainment package. Thank you Sir. Just what I needed to help me digest on the couch after an always delicious Italian 5 course holiday lunch. Fricken large I am right now peeps…
That’s pretty cool that you’re in a club with Robert Kraft and Jerry Jones.
“Whore members” was also a secondary plot point in Hippo Family Classic moviefilm “Bachelor Party” ppl forget that.
Holy shit that’s the only thing I could read. It took me a while to figure out what it was supposed to be…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWStC-iqiiA
Just roll with it. It’s real and it’s spectacular
“If you’re on national tv and facing a punt return going for a TD, you can totally get in the runner’s way.”
Fuck that guy. Forever.
Hee hee hee