This is the last week of the 2023 season for NFL fans, the biggest fans of convoluted calendars since the Aztecs. Ask anyone about the 2015 playoffs and what NFL fans mean is: the games played between January 9 and Owl L, 2016. If even identifying a precise calendar year is a complicated exercise, forget about the NFL ever coming up with a clear definition of a catch. Or whether incontrovertible visual evidence extends to atomic particles undetectable by sight. Or whether a lineman is just coming by to see how you, the man behind the zebra suit, is actually doing–not reporting as a receiver like the head coach TOLD YOU IT WOULD HAPPEN beforehand:

"Would you be frustrated right now? … I don't like losing … That bothers me."

– Dan Campbell before ending his press conference pic.twitter.com/zva9y8nNBc

— NFL on CBS 🏈 (@NFLonCBS) December 31, 2023

Losing does alter your perspective. If only we (all of us), could carry ourselves with the restraint of Dan Campbell, 🎵what a wonderful world this would be🎵. Yeah, I know. Nothing makes sense anymore.

I think some sports fans are justified in having “Championship or Wasted Season” expectations for their teams. If the league does not have a salary cap and you root for moneybag types like the Yankees or Real Madrid [spits on floor], then yeah. Absolutely. Instant satisfaction is the wet dream of Capitalism. Your team spends more than anybody, success must be at hand. In the pinko National Football Lee, however,

You’re setting yo’self up for disappointment if you’re in a Owl or Bust mode, is all.

The Lee has a parity boner. Salary cap, leg-up schedules for losing teams, draft order, and compensatory picks are built-in. Then there’s the nature of the game itself: player injuries, weather / dome, coach overthinking, ticky tack penalties, wanton timeouts (take the delay of game penalty FFS!), the ultra-punitive fumble-touchback rule, totally unpredictable bounces by a live fitbaw… Randomness gets magnified for the playoffs, which is wholly apart of the, yes, Playoff Bye Rust. The example that comes to mind are the early Peyton Manning Clots, for whom the media agonized about resting players for weekS before an elimination game. The most recent example of Playoff Bye Rust is the 2019 Ravens. And, technically, the 2021 Titans, but those were bounced by eventual Owl contender Bengals, which washes out some of the shame.

Anyway, congratulations on your First World Problems, Niners and Ravens. You truly outclass all conference contenders and thank you for fielding compelling teams to watch in the 2023 playoffs. This is half-difficult for me because I think John Harbaugh is an abominable human and I have enjoyed his years of 4^th down ineptitude. But god, DAYM 2023 Baltimore is a buzzsaw.

Sure, the playoffs are the opposite of an inclusive experience. 18 teams are out, and perhaps more should be. (Here’s a great case for it by Rev. Mayhem last night.) The biggest argument as to the South divisions is distinguishing between flotsam and jetsam. (AFC South, flotsam; NFC South jetsam, YMMV.) The extra playoff Wild Card, team and game, are an extravagance. But taking away the Wild Card MNF, after creating the expectation, would be cruel. For the players, I mean. If they’ll play, I guess would watch

I have heard about NFL fans who do not follow playoffs if their team is not in it. Personally, my team being out makes the playoffs a more enjoyable experience. If your team got eliminated before the playoffs, you can hate on rivals openly DUH. But BUT, if you allow yourself critical distance, you can also sit back and bask in the awesomeness that is professional fitbaw, played by the top teams and world class athletes, plus Chief receivers.

If your team is eliminated during the playoffs, yes, I understand. That is a very different situation. The anger and disappointment could be enough to turn yourself away from the sport completely–until the draft, let’s be reasonable. The downside is being compelled to fill in the forsaken playoff game time to, Gamblor forbid, constructive pursuits. I can tell you, from ample experience: it’s better, much better, to have loved and lost than putting all your faith on a team that did not even reach the playoffs on account of its commitment to field an offensive line composed of flan.

In fact, confession time: I tuned out the Tits after their Week 15 loss to the Stroud-less, JV version of the Houston Texans AT Tennessee WHILE the Titans wore their Oiler throwbacks. It was the very worst game of Derrick Henry’s career, which made me very very sad. He had absolutely nuthin’ that game—no burst, no acceleration, no lateral anything. To paraphrase Isaac Newton: a bruiser without momentum is a sitting duck. Tennessee was eliminated that day, so the rest of the season mattered only for player development and draft position. And, personally,

Wishwatchin’ a Tankin’ is too morbid, even for me. Plus, playing playoff spoiler to AFC South teams and the C-Hox are degrading emotional stakes. So I checked out after Week 15–problem? None here! I have been magnificently oblivious to every embarrassing  loss since then by Tennessee, delighting on other teams’ successes and failures. Sure, if you’re married or are in a personal relationship, you must tough it out when things are bad and provide support to your spouse / thang. But for NFL fandom?

Fuck. That shit. Take it from me, a fully certified The ride is the destination! r*t*rd: submitting yo’self to your team’s incompetence is anti-wellness. Anti, wellness. I don’t know how Jets fan do it. And being a Panthers fan seems like a nihilistic experience, ripe for recruiting by Anti-Tepper South Carolina separatists. These are truly polarizing times.

Moneybag teams, in leagues where there is no salary cap, buy fans’ attention with names and contracts. It must be nice, having your affection bought by expensive signings year after year. (It is certainly sweet on the other side, when the various superstars fail to lift the team beyond mercenary-wrangler status.) That is mostly impossible in the NFL, especially when young players can be had at cost during the first 3-4 years of their career. So, for me, NFL team fandom is the most taking-me-for-granted, unilateral relationship.

Fan fidelity should not be expected, but courted through able signings, coaches who fix execution problems, players with a competitive spirit, and fucking Ws. It’s the NFL dammit. Pure randomness and dumb luck get ya at least 2 wins a season (e.g., 2022 Vikings), or even the postseason (2012 Ravens, apologies to Donks Woo! fans). Wellness is a better perspective than blind sports loyalty. That’s what I think.

Finally, the genius of Penn and Teller. Have a wonderful day.

Banner: “Relativity”, MC Escher (1953)