Wumbo Wednesday With Weaselo: Clinching Scenarios

As we get to the final week of the 2023 season (even though it’s 2024), we see that there are a fuck-ton of clinching scenarios in play here in Week 18. In keeping with old traditions, here’s the guide to all of them:

AFC:
The Baltimore Ravens have clinched the top seed in the AFC.
Lamar! can clinch the NFL MVP with:
-Something like… 322 through the air, and… 179 on the ground (getting him to 4,000 and 1,000)
-Tyreke remaining hurt (and not going for… 283 yards to get to 2,000)
(Update: With the top seed clinched, Lamar! will SIT in the final game vs. the Steelers.)

The Cleveland Browns have clinched a wild-card spot.
-Didn’t this happen, and I was about to take them to the AFC Championship Game in Madden Superstar Mode, I went to save the game, and the disc read error that was starting to plague my PS2 happened and corrupted my save file? No, I at least got them to win the North. (It was 21-0 and everything!)

The Miami Dolphins have clinched a playoff spot. They can clinch the AFC East AND the #2 seed with:
-A win or tie @ BUF.
Tyreke Hill can clinch the NFL MVP with:
-A win and hitting 2K, but would need the aforementioned 283 yards to do it, OR
-Lamar! falls into the Springfield Mystery Spot Sunday morning
-The fire wasn’t sympathy arson! (It was not sympathy arson, as Hill wasn’t there. More importantly, no one was harmed.)

The Buffalo Bills can clinch the AFC East with:
-Josh Allen saying “fuck it” and a win
They can clinch a playoff berth with a tie, OR:
-PIT OR JAX loss or tie, OR
-Chaos tie (HOU-IND)

The Kansas City Chiefs have clinched the AFC Weast. They can clinch the #2 seed with:
-A win AND a MIA loss
They can clinch yet another AFC Championship Game at Arrowhead with:
-A win AND a MIA loss AND BAL once again falling flat on their face in the divisional round
-Other bullshit
Taylor Swift can clinch the hearts of millions of Broncos and Raiders fans with:
-A well-timed breakup song during the playoffs that leads to Travis Kelce clanking passes like he were a Chiefs WR.
(Update: Patrick Mahomes and presumably others will SIT vs. the Chargers)

The entire AFC South Extravaganza! The AFC South has clinched:
-Semi-watchable status, for this week at least?

The Jacksonville Jaguars can clinch the AFC South with a win, OR:
-The much more fun maximum chaos of AFC South divisional ties! (JAX-TEN tie, IND-HOU tie)
They can clinch a playoff berth with:
-A tie AND a PIT loss or tie
-PIT loss + DEN loss or tie + IND-HOU to NOT tie

The Indianapolis Colts can clinch the AFC South with:
-A win + JAX loss or tie OR
-A tie + JAX loss
They can clinch a playoff berth with a win, OR:
-A tie +PIT loss or tie

The Houston, uh, Houston? can clinch the AFC South with:
-A win + JAX loss or tie
They can clinch a playoff berth with a win (so IND-HOU is a “win and in” game and therefore… one to watch?), OR:
-A tie + JAX loss + PIT loss or tie

Basically, I’m not sure if a tie gets them both in or both out. But it would be hilarious!

The Pittsburgh Steelers have clinched another year’s Coach Epps Voodoo Magic Winning Season™. They can clinch, by god, a playoff spot, with:
-Slight bullshit and a win
-Slightly more bullshit and a tie
-Even more bullshit with a loss

NFC:
The San Francisco 49ers have clinched the top seed in the NFC:
Brock Purdy can clinch the MVP with:
-Balling the fuck out, AND
-The aforementioned Lamar! Springfield Mystery Spot, AND
-Tyreke Hill also having something like that, AND
-Myles Garrett not suddenly playing QB.

The Detroit Lions have clinched the NFC North. They can clinch the #2 seed if:
-Everyone claims they are eligible. Yes, everyone. Just do it. OR,
-Marching over to Goodell and burning the office down. OR,
-A win + ties or losses by DAL and PHI.

The Dallas Cowboys have clinched a playoff spot. They can clinch the NFC East with a win (also clinching the #2 seed), OR
-NFC East ties for everybody! OR
-PHI is still broken.
The Cowboys have also clinched a karmic retribution loss in the Divisional Round to Detroit, unless doing so would cause another seismic shift in the world, in which case the loss will be in the Wild Card Round to someone equally as comedic. (Bonus if this is caused by falling to the 5 seed and losing to the NFC South Mandatory Team).

The Philadelphia Eagles have clinched a playoff spot. They can clinch the NFC East with:
-A win + DAL loss or tie
-A tie + DAL loss
They can clinch the #2 seed with a win + DET loss + the offense remembering how to play football again.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers can clinch the NFC South with a win OR:
-A tie + NO loss or tie
They can stop some minor amount of scorn and derision for the division (but not them) and clinch a playoff berth (as in, a wild card, as in, two teams from the NFC South) with:
-A tie + SEA loss + GB loss or tie

…Wait, might we potentially have a .500 wild card team? (Since that would be the perfect 8-8-1.) I take the reverend’s salient points from yesterday back, 12 teams it is!

The New Orleans Saints can clinch the NFC South with:
-A win + TB loss or tie
-A tie + TB loss
They can clinch a playoff berth (and again, less scorn/derision of General Sherman) with:
-A win + SEA loss or tie + GB loss or tie
-A tie + SEA & GB losses

The Green Bay Packers are guaranteed a playoff spot because:
-It will infuriate Jets fans because they traded a 2nd for QAaron and even if the Browns and Lions are okay, someone sold their soul for Super Bowl III, even if we don’t know whodunnit.
-There are six different ways (the simplest one is to just win, but otherwise it involves MIN, SEA, and the NFC South)
-Jordan Love reminds QAaron of:
1. His brother, Jordan Rodgers, who he loathes
2. Fraternal love for his brother (see #1)
3. His own time dealing with Brittfar

The Seattle Seahawks clinch a playoff berth with:
-A win + GB loss or tie
-A tie, a GB loss, and a loss or tie by one of the two NFC South teams
The Seattle Seahawks clinch an increase in the Northwest’s blood pressure medications with:
-Both of these outcomes being up in the air on the last play of the game. And, let’s say, it’s in overtime for added stress.

The Minnesota Vikings earn scorn and derision FOR THE ENTIRE NFC if they clinch a playoff berth, due to:
-Them winning + losses by GB, SEA, and one of TB or NO, putting them as a wild card team at 8-9.

On the flip side:

The Carolina Panthers have clinched the #1 pick… for the Bears. They have also clinched the Dan Snyder Memorial Owner of the Year title after David Tepper’s $300K fine.

The Washington Commanders (.504 SOS) currently have the #2 pick
The New England Patriots (.527 SOS) currently have the #3 pick.

Presumably this would hold with losses by both teams (as I don’t know how the SOS would shift otherwise).

Other news:
–Zach Wilson is also sitting, but we figured that. It’s due to “concussion protocol.”
-Importantly not sitting: Josh Allen

In other sports news, they finally reached a real killscreen in Tetris. Yes, Tetris. The NES version. it’s come a long way in the last few years, which I know, sounds weird for a 34-year-old game. The person who hit the killscreen (which we learned about thanks to AI) is 13. Basically, once humans figured out how to move at the fastest screen, it was a matter of time… until they reached glitched colors, and then it was a matter of seeing the blocks. Once through that, a single line to level up at Level 155 could trigger the game to crash. Which he actually missed, but the next potential trigger was a single line at Level 157. I imagine it has something potentially to do with the lines cleared? If you notice, the hundreds digit is hexadecimal, so once you get to F00, that’s probably where the game starts to panic. I imagine there are plenty of next steps to take this, such as:
-Speedrun to crash
-Highest score to crash
-Highest line counter (latest place you can get it to crash, which has the added risk of fucking up and nullifying the whole thing) Apparently, there is a final level 255 of Tetris (which, funnily for a Soviet game, was all red), after which it rolls back to Level 1… if it doesn’t glitch out by then.

Okay, before you go in the locker with Horatio, what’s for watching?
Hockey’s interesting!
Less-Super Hughes Bros. vs. Alex Ovechkin’s Eternal Pursuit (NJD vs. WSH, 7:30, TNT)

Is basketball interesting yet?
Sirius vs. “Well, it’s cool, but it isn’t Sirius” (CHI vs. NYK, 8:30, ABC seriously has nothing good tonight)
Ex-LeBron vs. Current LeBron (MIA vs. LAL, 10:00, ESPN)

Is JV basketball interesting yet? No.
YARRRR vs. #23 Anti-yar? (Seton Hall vs. Providence, in progress, FS1)
Red Kentucky vs. Always the first 1 seed (Louisville vs. Virginia, 7:00, ESPN2)
#16 Son De Clem vs. Miami not Ohio (8:00, ESPN)
Stanford vs. UCLA (9:00, ESPN2)
Tweaker matchup! Fresno State vs. San Diego State (10:30, FS1)