Forget the Super Bowl! A guide to alternate activities that are fun and dangerous.

Well, we have a Super Bowl on the horizon. It’s going to be as exciting as watching any episode of Emily in Paris.

One on side you have the Chiefs. Fuck them. Am I bitter over the Ravens loss? Damn straight. Do I loathe Travis “I Get Pegged by Ms. Swift” Kelce? If I could shove a mason jar full of carpet tacks down his throat, I would.

Don’t forget Kermit the Princess. His crybaby antics make Mr. Brady seem like Charles Bronson in the Dirty Dozen. Also, his wife still has one foot planted firmly in the trailer park.

As for Ms. Swift? I don’t know one of her songs. She seems like an okay person. If she disappeared tomorrow, I wouldn’t notice.

The Niners. I have a special place in my heart for them. A good friend was born and raised in California, huge fan. Funniest guy I ever knew – like Chris Farley without the drugs. Surprisingly, still fucking hilarious.

He had a stroke a few years ago, and when I would talk to him, I would hang up and think about crying. I DIDN’T CRY I NEVER CRY MEN DON’T CRY. FUCK YOU UNIVERSE FOR TAKING THIS GUY.

I do like Kittle. He’s a goofy fucking guy, and I can’t recall the name of that running back. Bronco Nagurski? Yeah, that’s him.

This means that most of us are facing a boring as shit, star studded, over blown, overweight, packed-to-the-gills-with-shit Super Bowl. Bummer.

But I have some suggestions on how to pass the time on that day. They are inspired by things I did from childhood to my early 30’s. NOTE: Do this shit at your own risk. I am alive because stupid people rarely get killed. Well, not all of them.

Cap Guns

First gun I ever owned was a cap gun. It was okay, but we learned if you took a whole roll of caps and set them on fire, it was highly entertaining. You could also just bang them with rocks and get decent explosions. And that gunpower smell, better than napalm. Buy them here.

BB Guns

Second gun I ever owned. I had a Red Ryder and my mother was furious with my father when he gave it to me. Use them safely for about 10 minutes, then shoot anything: windows, your friends, birds, the dog. BB guns are great. And fuck those Airsoft guns, fucking lightweight. You haven’t earned your stripes until you’ve dug a copper BB from under your skin.

Bike Stunts

Get a bike, you can steal one. Go to the top of a hill and then pedal as fast as you can, when you near the bottom, jump off to see how far the bike goes. Walk bike home with bent rims, blown tires, and mangled handle bars. Blame your sister.

Violence

Used to be you could go out and pick a fight and have a good old-fashioned punch up. Sometimes it just happened. Maybe a black eye, a few stitches, and a great story to tell your kids as they light up a bong and ignore you. Don’t try this now. You’ll get a Glock rammed up your nose or be set on fire.

Breaking Stuff

You can break nearly anything, but bottles and windows are the two best. Smash them on the ground, throw them into the street, and find an abandoned house and break those windows. The sound is better than any music you’ve ever heard. Warning: cops and parents disapprove of this behavior.

Fire

Fire is the gift from Prometheus, and everyone enjoys not using it correctly. My friends and I were legit firebugs, and even today fire is FUN! Once, we lit a tube of caulking and it blazed up immediately, we decided flinging it around was a capital idea. One huge glob landed on the roof of my friend’s house, and began a small fire. We stood on top of his mom’s Jaguar with a hose to put it out. (I had rich kids in my neighborhood, and rich kids are insane. They also do a lot of drugs.)

Fireworks are fun, and living in Maryland we had to buy them from shady teenagers. We would stock up on bottle rockets, cut down lacrosse sticks, slap some tape on the bottom, and had mini, hand-held rocket launchers. Running around shooting bottle rockets and Roman candles at your friends is exciting. I had one go off a foot from my ear, couldn’t hear for two days.

Another true story, we were lighting off jumping jacks at the beach, and threw one into the bay. It skipped around and landed in a boat, near the motor, where there were two cans of gas. We ran like hell. Nothing exploded. Bummer.

Besides gasoline, you can use other accelerants: WD-40, PJ1-Chain Lube, and the like. Aerosol cans are tricky to light, lots of shrapnel. The old, “soak a tennis ball in rubbing alcohol and play hot potato” can entertain for hours.

Drinking

Ah, something we can all appreciate, right? Here’s what you do. Get $150 from the bank, call your friends, buy a pack of Marlboro Lights. Go to a bar, smash down beers, then shots of chilled Grand Marnier, more beers, shots of Orange Stoli, beers, and then finish the night with shots of Wild Turkey. You can then try to talk to women, fail, and then throw up in the alley. Next day is a scavenger hunt! Where’s my car? Where’s my wallet? Where are my keys? Why am I sleeping in a park?

Dating Psychotics

Find a person who is nice and kind, and pretty. Date them for a while and slowly realize they have daddy issues (I attracted these types of women like a buffet attracts Andy Reid.) Maybe they were coke addicts and anorexics in college, or had a child at 16 and gave it up for adoption, or tell you later they’re bi-sexual. Hand to God, all of this shit did happen to me. Makes for an interesting life.

I’m hoping these activities can spice up an otherwise dull Super Bowl. Of course, feel free to experiment and create your own fun! First game of the 2024 NFL season is September 5, 2024. Jesus take the motherfucking wheel.