Editor’s Note: This is the start of our Summer of Soccer Team Previews! We are exactly a month away! First off, our Italian field representative, 2Pack! These are all his words and pictures. If I can figure out a way to give him a byline, I will do so. Enjoy!
It was a warm mid-May evening when he stepped off the Trenitalia FrecciaRossa at Napoli Centrale station. The 450-mile trip took a little under 6 hours. The travel mode of choice was fast train with just a quick stop to change trains in Padova. A max speed on this ride of 249 KPH. That’s 155 MPH, but a very smooth ride with stable WIFI no less. The short walk down Corso Lucci brought him a sensational seaside view and to his seat at Re Pazzo. Habit demanded he get a table with his seatback to the wall, and a clear view of the entrance as he waited. Not that he could have missed her entrance. He could hear the cat calls outside well before she filled the doorway with her splendor, her plunging neckline, tight white pants suit, and absolute ownership of all she surveyed.
Here is where the serious fantasy writing comes in folks.
She saw his hand wave and walked over greeting him with a long, tight, lingering hug and big kisses on each cheek, twice over for good measure.
“Ciao Tesoro, how was the trip”.
“Wonderful Bellissima, it’s so great to see you again. We have important work to do, the entire clubhouse is counting on us” I replied, trying desperately to maintain eye contact. And just eye contact. Her smirk and smile told me she was used to it. The Friday special was Bacala fritta which we both ordered, then got down to business.
2Pack: You look sensational tonight Cara… that is some, me Tarzan – you Jane looking outfit you have on Bella. Complimenti. So… what’s up with Napoli this year?
Marika: Caro 2Pack… please don’t even get me started on that… the boys got too big for their banana sling Speedo’s it would appear.
2P: I’m so upset that they took you off national coverage and relegated you to just the local scene. I mean… Cara… a nip slip like that could have happened to any lady… well… I take that back. That was one HUGE NIP SLIP Amore! And most ladies simply do not… uhmmm… measure up.
M: You are too kind Tesoro…
2P: Well… let’s get down to it Doll…
Italy is in Group B for the 2024 Euro Cup in Germany. They are ranked 9th in current FIFA world assessments. They open play with Albania (ranked 66th) on June 16th, Spain (ranked 8th) on June 20th and finish the group round with Croatia (ranked 10th) on June 24th. Except for Albania the group is very well matched and should be exciting to watch.
The squad has twice won the Euro, in 1968 and again in 2020 returning to this Cup as defending champs. They were runners up in 1988 and 2000, and made quarter or semifinal appearances in 1980, 1988, 2008 and 2016. Manager Spalletti now heads the squad after Roberto Mancini’s departure not long after winning the 2020 cup, which was played in 2021 due to COVID. Failing to qualify for the 2022 World Cup has been a disaster for the team, and the nation. Both hope to get back on track this year. Spalletti has previously won two Series A championships as the manager of Roma. He had considerable success as the head coach of Napoli winning a third last season. After winning last year’s title with Napoli he took a break, which the club supported, until being named national team boss in August 2023.
2P: You think losing him cost you guys this year Marika?
M: silent stink eye…
Defender Leonardo Bonucci is the team’s captain. In typical fashion the Azzuri are strong on defenders. Gianluigi Donnarumma should be in the net if he stays heathy. As of this writing that has been a concern, if Italy is without his services that could be big trouble. Midfielders are steady, led by Marco Verratti who has been playing in Qatar the past year. The forwards are led this year by Gianluca Scamacca from the Atalanta Series A club. He has 10 goals and 5 assists in the current season with only 1 yellow card. Rare among the other Italian forwards who have been accumulating 7-8 yellows each.
England, France, or Portugal are the predicted winners of the cup this year, but you never know, Italy could pull an upset over The Three Lions again this time. Spain and Italy should get out of Group B and into the round of 16. Italy would likely meet Switzerland and then Germany to get into the semifinals, a tough road indeed.
M: You are American, tell me, is it true? Did Fabio really get hit in the face by a bird on a rollercoaster?
2P: I think so Bella… but I need you to concentrate.
M: Concentrate on what?
2P: How do you think the Azzuri are going to do Cara?
M: They will win of course.
2P: I don’t know Tesoro… I’m thinking lucky to get to the semi’s then probably a loss to France…
/Ducks as a damp napkin is thrown at him.
M: NOT POSSIBLE!
2P: Ok Babe… I’m with you… the boys win it all! Hey, its late and there are no trains back until tomorrow morning.
/Throws her some pleading eyes.
2P: I’m going to get a room… care for a night cap?
A guy can dream folks… a guy can dream…
Ciao Tutti!
Man, who could possibly have had a worse day than m…What’s that, Mr. Butker? Well, yes, but you did that to yourself.
https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/5493651/2024/05/14/chiefs-harrison-butker-pride-month-sin/
It’s important to remind anybody who was upset by his bigotry and sexism that sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you the way that a speeding car driven by Britt Reid will.
(sounds of panicking and screaming in NFL HQ)
Trivia Question: Republican Party Platform or Kansas City Chiefs Cheerleader Uniforms?
Yes.
Why would they? He said it was a sin but he didn’t exactly advocate throwing them in a volcano to appease his Catholic Crocodile Pope.
What’s the big deal?
Now here’s a guy who would have enjoyed the Inquisition.
Continuing last night’s adventure with #1 son having rerouted himself to Hartford thanks to American Airlines having him miss his connecting flight to Burlington, he tried to rent a car today to drive up himself, only to find no cars available. Mrs. Horatio, who at that point was going on 2-3 hours of sleep because the cat is now afraid of our son and spent the whole night sleeping and purring by her head, says that she will drive him 2+ hours each way to Brattleboro, where his gf is coming to pick him up and take him the rest of the way. Mind you, I am in a mediation at this point, trying to negotiate an end to a neck surgery case that I’ve had since 2019, and which I hate with a burning passion.
After giving the matter 3 seconds of thought and realizing that Mrs. Horatio is absolutely going to fall asleep at the wheel, likely before even leaving CT, I tell the two other sides, (who are fighting among themselves) “this is how much money I have. You can have it, but you cannot have any more from me. Figure this out yourselves and let me know if I’m drafting a release tomorrow or trying the case in September. I have to go.”
Then I make the Brattleboro run in 12 parsecs while Mrs. Horatio takes a nap. Son is delivered safely and my reward for this is that for some reason my oil light is on, (I just had the valve covers replaced and changed the oil myself within the last 3,000 miles, so that should not be on), and the muffler is no longer connected to the undercarriage, either because of rot, (it’s a pretty clean break), or perhaps some of the shitty roads in northern MA and VT.
On the plus side the case did settle, for less than my max, and I’ve picked up a new tactic for negotiating.
Anyway, which one of you wanted to learn welding yesterday?
Err, that would be me. But I suck at it.
So you avoided the snap judgment of the girlfriend by Mrs. Horatio and got her some sleep instead?
I call that a win.
Ithink Itala deffo gets out of group Boobs—B, I mean. Wait, let me check again.
She wills it… and it will (maybe) be so…
2-pack can KILL IT, yo. Hell of a writer, hell of a dude.
Thanks Buddy. Least I can do is contribute where I can. “Expertise” aside… just wingin it…
Spurs cromulence sputters out.
Excellent work, 2Pack. Good to have you aboard!
Thank Buddy
That woman’s got some big ol’ titties
You noticed huh…
I would not mind using that cleavage as a vodka sluice.
Oh, this was really well done and I hope you keep posting.
Thanks Brother. I will.