2024 Copa América: Journey to the Extreme (Argentina Preview)

Argentina has Lionel Messi, the world’s most famous player. “Again!”, point out pointedly some folks my age or older who saw Diego Armando “D10s” Maradona play (197X – 1990). Sure, there are some folks who call Him the most INfamous futbolista, to which I retort:

Pft [averts gaze, mutters] this guy…

Haters can’t even say His name right! “Maradonner Maradonner*”. So I’m carding them with a yellow for xenophobia and being all English and fucking butthurt since 1986.

* I’ve yet to meet a fellow hispanohablante who doesn’t like** Maradona. That’s anecdotal evidence, not xenofobia ¿okei? OK. ** All things considered now that He is dead, of course. End of caveat within caveat.

Either way, you get it: when it comes to Argentina, there are no middle grounds.

Argentina is the defending Copa América champion and the defending World Cup champion. Say what you will about the Slave Labor Mundial, but goddammit that final against France was an incredible game. Argentina has been a juggernaut ever since, continuing to beat Brazil on the Reg. in qualifiers for 2026. The current mood for Albiceleste fans is

That right there is a caricature of Argentinian President Javier Milei, himself a caricature in real life. More on him later, after discussing the current state of Argentina hate.

Most Hispanics consider Argentinians as waaay arrogant pieces of shit troglodytes with anger issues who play nasty and fight dirty and AND, oh yeah, they are the sorest fucking losers—¡Ah, ah! Más que los italianos. Beh. So goes the traditional view, expurgated on account that today is Argentinian Flag Day. ¡Feliz Día de la Bandera Argentina! to all who celebrated. Now let’s continue talking shit about them.

Just kidding JK. The truth is that a vast majority of Hispanics finds Argentinians arrogant (duh!) and waaay sore when they lose. But some of us wonder why, too: why are Argentinians like that? The XXIst Century has plagued Argentina with staggering public debt, currency devaluations and hyperinflation. And they have been afflicted by a recognized blight within the field of social sciences, what is termed “Argentinian public administration” in academia. For the benefit of STEM folks, lemme explain: the Argie governments have acted like economic Ebola getting into every nook and cranny of the fisc, hAemorrhaging kickbacks, bribes, favors… Kidding aside, for real this time: it’s a shitty situation living under terrible, neglectful, greedy, crony politicians. We can never lose sight of that.

But I go and try to commiserate and show sympathy to fellow latinoamericanos and all I get from an Argentinian is a performance piece about pizza “as we know it” being invented in the XVIIth century in “Palermo [beat] ¡Buenos Aires sche!” and a harangue about el alegado San Marzano really being a tomato strain aboriginal to Lima—not Perú, but Lima the town in Zárate Partido in Buenos Aires and goddammit let’s change topic. I’m through carrying water for the Argies.

Among the Argentinian fauna is the harpy eagle, the largest eagle in the hemisphere and the biggest predator in the continent. Similarly, Argentina’s President, Javier Milei, is the largest Muppet in the hemisphere and harped nonstop on giving the Leatherface treatment to government expense, if elected. 🔞📛CLICK ALERT 📛🔞 Argentinian politics are not OSHA compliant, you have been warned:

Milei labels himself as an anarcho-capitalist, a right-wing Libertarian who nonetheless wants to ban abortion. Libertarian BUT Anti-abortion: a clash of concepts that illustrates the utter meaninglessness of words when used in mass communications. This is why I advocate for gif- & emoji-based interactions. It’s more heartfelt 😛

Milei is an economics professor by trade and has four English mastiffs: Murray, Milton, Robert, and Lucas. The four dogs are named for economists Milei admires: Murray Rothbard, Milton Friedman and Robert… Lucas. Anyway, those four English mastiffs are clones of Milei’s previous dog, Conan (named after The Barbarian). Conan, as everyone in Argentina knows, died in 2017–but Milei still communicates with Conan through séances (source:

). Did I just find out about that book? Yes. Did I impulse buy it? Oh sí. Will I read it from the beginning and set time aside daily after work and stuff until I get to the end?

I’ve yet to read a page! What is this commitment talk, “until the end”? Hasty, hasty talk. Nonetheless, rrreally looking forward to sinking my eyes into that book because Milei’s story is Holy Shit WOW.

Here’s a summary, off the top of my head. Javier Milei is 53, from a middle class family, former youth goalkeeper, economics grad and postgrad, nicknamed El Loco since a kid because he was prettay, prettay… unusual. Let’s go with unusual.

Young Milei was a recognizable loudmouth (source: Argentinianness + ambition). He became the cool Econ. professor who, say, talks animatedly about an open market for human body parts and that government is an oppressive apparatus when it forbids you from selling your hypothalamus for a Lamborghini minivan or other supremely stupid and extravagant merchandise. Milei started to gain notoriety during The Covids (my guess? During the “everybody drankin” part of the global lockdown). His in-your-face speeches with assorted cussin’ about eliminating government expense, plus Drain-The-Swamp rhetoric, got Milei elected as legislator in 2021. Sometime around that time, political Swamp Things stepped in to turn Milei’s notoriety wave into a propaganda tsunami. Hungary’s Victor Orban? He’s a Milei fan. Donald Trump? Biiig fan. Huge. Milei will Make Argentina Great Again. The biggest fan.

Milei was elected President in 2023, under the slogan ¡Viva la libertad carajo! or “Long live freedom goddammit!”. Except abortion–freedom for males, fuck UUu!1!11 Milei also looks back fondly on the Argentinian Military Junta days, says all civilian kidnappings between the 70s and 80s are exaggerations and fake news by zurdos de mierda, and the Milei government has been jailing dissenters like they were teenagers flying a Palestinian flag in a U.S. university. But Milei loves doggos. Nobody who sleeps in bed with four yooge dogs with Economists’ names can be evil, right? His sister, however, mmm… Karina Milei is Javier Milei’s closest advisor. They are like this 🤞🏼, those two, and the Internet is full of Cersei – Jamie Lannister whispers about the Milei siblings. It’s low hanging, totally morbid, bottom feeding clickbait shit. God I hope the book covers it. Another thing: Karina Milei is a publicist and marketer by trade and has several cats, named after Kiss drummers I’m sure.

As to the fútbol, uf:

Via @Squawka

That is a stackT team right there. The coach is still Lionel Scaloni, everybody’s safety pick in the Latin American parlor game “Name a Personable Argie”. TMZ types would like to point out that Scaloni’s brother Mauro stands accused, since this March, on kidnapping and extortion charges. I don’t think anybody in this Copa América will ask Lionel Scaloni if his brother’s case is a distraction, unless they start sending NFL reporters to the press conferences. Let’s settle this once and for all: EVERYTHING that is not fitbaw is a distraction for ALL NFL players and coaches. We do NOT have to go over this distraction business every time.

Argentina plays in Group A,

And has the following schedule, all times Central:

Argentina v. Canada TODAY WOOO – 7:00 PM

Megatron’s Butthole, Hotlanna

Argentina v. Chile – Tuesday June 25, 8:00 PM

Jerryworld, Fetusville

Argentina v. Perú – Saturday June 29 – 7:00 PM

Hard Rock Stadium, Gentrified Havana

Top two in the Copa América groups pass through to single elimination, none of that leg-up, best third place crap. We’re in the Third World now, where there is a dramatic imbalance in talent and where the only rule is scrape by and dominate the opposition like they were pathetic CONCACAF teams.

CANADA: We are right right here, eh, and NOT chopped liver. Sorry for the non-vegan reference, only for that.

Ok, ok. Let’s let the games settle this. Imma have a personal moratorium on talking shit ’bout CONCACAF teams before the last group matchday. My personal plea: please be competent, México. Make a dent, Canada. Youse co-hosting a Mundial in two years. Get in gear.

Predicción: Argentina gets to the knockouts, but not on a cakewalk. Sometime in July, Messi will look middle aged, causing AppleTV to change the focus of its projected slobberfest documentary, scrapping Messi’s ethereal skills and otherwordly competitiveness to packaging a Lion In Winter narrative with a lot of “Quixotic” thrown around, lest anyone thinks “It’s gotta have more clichés. That’s Overexposure 101!”.

And OF COURSE I’ll be rooting for Canada today because I refuse to believe we live in a dimension when La Albiceleste is run efficiently and has consistent success, instead of the usual player mutinies and managers who depend on the advice / blackmail by hooligans from their hometown teams or folks with lesser integrity. If Argentina wins its 16th Copa América next month, we are truly in the upside down, people.

Fuck. That shit. Uruguay wins this one, and becomes the top winner of Copa Américas with 16. Besides, there are delights as few and pure as when the Argentina Men’s National Team loses. The fans become all about injustice, victims of shocking malfeasance, and that’s without mentioning the DeyH8Us vocal contingent who get all Argentina is envied because of its greatness while fielding an all-white team which none of the world fútbol powers, now filled with countries and ethnics who can barely understand the game and have the same voting power as Argentina on the FIFA council—

Simply delish. ¡Vamos Canadá!