I got nothing.
Sometimes it seems like the Universe is against you, everything is running off the track, and the only thing left is to look to a Higher Power for aid, comfort and guidance.
That’s right: astrology!
Accordingly, please enjoy the first installment of Miss Cleo’s Football Fandom Horoscopes (Week of July 2):
NFC East: You look toward the oncoming season with a mixture anticipation and dread, like being handed a pushcart hotdog. The Stars advise you to avoid large social gatherings this week, unless you crave social media fame as “That Guy Who Can’t Stop Farting”
AFC East: “Cautious Optimism” is your current outlook for the coming season, in that nothing tragic has happened. Yet. Your love life takes a turn for the exotic, as you have been chosen to don the kākāpō ejaculation helmet. Don’t worry- it’s just until Paris Fashion Week.
NFC North: Rookies and The Unproven are the dominant force, as Jared Goff enters the Third House and is arrested for trespass. The Packers and Bears find themselves trapped in The Phantom Zone after General Zod assumes control over the City of Chicago on a platform of “Kneel Before No New Taxes”. Apply for that new job now; opportunity awaits!
AFC North: Lamar Jackson lost a lot of weight. You can follow his example by finally seeing a doctor about the 14-inch cyst on your buttock. This also frees up room on your couch- maybe it’s time to think about getting a pet marmoset?
NFC West: The Coming of Hagarg Ryonis, the Lier-in-Wait, to the West Coast has put a damper on expectations for the Seahawks, Niners and Rams, since all of their home games will have to be played at other stadiums outside The Great Waste. Normally, this would be a golden opportunity for Cardinals fans, except 1. there aren’t any, and 2. a new Call of Duty drops during Week 8 of the season. The Stars say there is still reason for optimism: Molson Coors has announced that Zima is coming back in Japan!
AFC West: The Stars want to know what your fucking problem is. Seriously, where do you get off disrespecting The Celestial Order like that? They don’t even want to talk to you right now; they will be staying with Janet until you work your shit out.
NFC South: Have you considered developing an ether habit? That’s what The Stars would recommend if you root for any of these teams. If ether is not readily available, ask a Jaguars fan- more than likely they can advise you on a wide variety of inhalants for every occasion. At work, keep an eye out for opportunities to get noticed when the sheriffs and TV cameras show up tomorrow.
AFC South: the “Expansion and Relocation Division” is the Youth Movement of the NFL- at 25, the Tits’ Will Levis is the Old Man of the division’s starting quarterbacks. Like most youth movements, expect it to be loud and annoying before subsiding into disappointed mediocrity. Beware travel more than 286.65 miles from home. A friend will ask for advice, especially if you are a Jaguars fan.
WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:
Brazil-Colombia at 8 pm Central on Fox Sports is probably your best bet, unless you want to see Becky Hammon order a Code Red on Caitlin Clark.
I will likely be dipping my toes back into the warm, soothing pool of Firefly. Fall 2002 was a simpler time: Kelly Clarkson won the first season of American Idol, Switzerland joined the United Nations, and the Department of Homeland Security was established. Formula 51 and The Transporter were delighting audiences in theatres. And a beautiful space western was born, before we found out Joss Whedon was a fucker and Adam Baldwin was utterly insane.
I enjoy the astrology taek.
No doubt the CBS Sundays team will have RuPaul out doing this as a bit on Hour 4 of the Week 6 London Pregame Show.
Thanks AI!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyNnvzn9bOw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhVbLJvYP8s
I love this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLNDqxrUUwQ
1997:
and also
as well as
Aren’t there like 4 people that still run that cults website?
Nope, they are running The Cure’s website.
You mean The Cult
1998:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PKsi0Vyy1M
Forget 2002. I’m watching Sneakers (1992)
We’re doin’ nineties, eh? I’ll start here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8BYUmlPq4o
I am a failure. I only just now realized I could make bridge jokes about Trump
Like, “It would be cool to shove him off a tall bridge”
HA HA YES IT WORKS
Sure, why not? Moar batman forever
https://youtu.be/yivLt9cTaio
Able to sign in for the first time in a while (thanks WordPress!) but now I’ll stop my lurking and send you
hundreds ofdozens ofsome really good comments I ‘ve been workin up during my exile . . ./falls asleep on the couch watching Psych reruns
ONE OF US (assuming no pants while falling asleep)
Hihowareya glad you’re back from downfield! I didn’t realize people were having trouble getting in here, usually it’s me with my nose pressed up against the glass, like a fucking Dickensian waif. You aren’t the first prodigal to return in the past few days, somebody must have cast a good spell!
Once again, Sharkbait 2.0 wakes up in the middle of the night, and is immediately calmed down once I put Rumours on. Thanks Fleetwood Mac!
Such good music I’m willing to forgive the meteorlogical inaccuracies.
A draw? Boo! If I wanted to watch a bunch of sister-kissing I’d go to pornhub.
At least I’ve got this Spanish teen soap opera that came on after the conclusion of the game to keep me entertained.
Huh. “Derecho” means “right” (as in the direction) but it also means “rights” as in like, freedom of speech.
It is also a sort of super cool and destructive storm that is really difficult to get a weather machine to recreate. Not that I’ve experimented extensively or anything.
?v=at&w=815&h=458
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/June_2012_North_American_derecho
Anyone remember this? Philly caught tip (PHRASING); parts of West Virginia were without power for a week. This happened during a heat wave, too.
Parts of West Virginia HAVE power?
Yeah, it happened the night of my father’s retirement dinner. Big branch fell and hit the car while we were driving home. A tree fell down in the yard where the car would have been parked if we’d have been home.
I took a picture of him cutting up the tree with his chainsaw and sent it out as a postcard of him having started a new career as a lumberjack.
I was visiting my folks in Maryland but was out when it came through. There are three ways to get to my parent’s place. Two of them were completely blocked by downed trees, the third was barely accessible
It genuinely felt like a thunderstorm that just never started in Philly. That eerie, windy (increasingly so), humidity dried up a bit… but it never rained. It never even really thundered. Just a lot of wind, like God pooted.
As in, Vamos a perder nuestros derechos por culpa de la derecha.
Forgot about this one. Think I was a preteen who only learned the difference between lava and magma a couple years previous
https://youtu.be/eIdTNyJp38A
I unapologetically love this song, and 90s U2 as a whole.
Me too. We saw them on the PopMart tour in 97. Good show. I know I’ve told you guys this, but Gumby saw them in like 80 or 81, in a bar in Nottingham. Their girlfriends were selling cassettes of Boy at a card table.
(It was actually UB40 he bought tickets for)
Playing doubles tennis tonight, up 4-3, I was serving and we went up 40-love. Entirely due to my own ineptitude, they caught up to deuce. Then I served two aces to close out the game. Still feeling good about that.
Oh wait it was 3-3. We ended up winning the set 6-3.
yea this is one dumb endless summer, with a stupid last few days, but now ann wilson having to undergo chemo? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8-dzxTsA0M
Hippo speak >>>>>astrology speak
One of my favorite Simpsons jokes, and proving to be absolutely timeless:
Do you know people with their own observatories? That seems like a pretty LA ‘thing’.
We live very close to Griffith Observatory. My dog has peed there a few times so I think technically that makes it hers.
That’s Dog Law.
Is it a status symbol?
I’ve peed there but she probably has me beat
In terms of total volume it’s probably pretty square.
Um, hello, our own Doktor Zymm*
*I assume
/ would nawt try to burn it down, active volcano or not
No worries, it’s not actually possible to burn it down. Best not to inquire too deeply into exactly WHY it is non-inflammable.
What a goal.
¡Esta partido es muy caliente!
Another very fine goal.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVrlXcgnaYk
unless you want to see Becky Hammon order a Code Red on Caitlin Clark.
Is…is that a sex thing I should know about?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hhu-OyHqZM&pp=ygUSc3RwIHNleCB0eXBlIHRoaW5n
That’s obviously Period Sex
https://youtu.be/Uab2BlDpPxQ?si=lt13JLPlXYchyj6z
It’s a cherry Mountain Dew.
Is… is that a sex thing we should know about?
aka what Xbox Jr drinks when he pulls yet another Call of Duty all-nighter right before a game day.
I have seen maybe 3 movies in the past 20 years and even I know this is a reference to ‘A Few Good Men’
One day people will look back on the 1990s as the Golden Age of legal ethics
(sadly, I was not making a reference)
A Brazilian is writhing on the ground 46 seconds into the game. I believe that’s a new record.
What, for the longest it has ever taken before a Brazilian lies writhing on the pitch?
I lost my virginity to a Brazilian woman and it was a lot like that.
Shoresy – IMO S1 > S2> S3, but S3 was still well worth watching.
So it’s not that you don’t love to watch Shoresy, it’s that you really fucking hate not watching it? Give yer balls a tug!
Still phenomenal. Like eggs.
I’m so sore and tired. I made a delivery myself to an account that has the potential to be immensely profitable so that I could talk to the buyer in person and show my resolve. I want Hippo pills.
https://www.getyarn.io/yarn-clip/f455b758-7ba8-4a57-9df9-2caa3b7b9507