Nonsense and Such: Tuesday Open Thread

I got nothing.

Sometimes it seems like the Universe is against you, everything is running off the track, and the only thing left is to look to a Higher Power for aid, comfort and guidance.

That’s right: astrology!

Accordingly, please enjoy the first installment of Miss Cleo’s Football Fandom Horoscopes (Week of July 2):

NFC East: You look toward the oncoming season with a mixture anticipation and dread, like being handed a pushcart hotdog.  The Stars advise you to avoid large social gatherings this week, unless you crave social media fame as “That Guy Who Can’t Stop Farting”

AFC East: “Cautious Optimism” is your current outlook for the coming season, in that nothing tragic has happened. Yet. Your love life takes a turn for the exotic, as you have been chosen to don the kākāpō ejaculation helmet. Don’t worry- it’s just until Paris Fashion Week.

NFC North: Rookies and The Unproven are the dominant force, as Jared Goff enters the Third House and is arrested for trespass. The Packers and Bears find themselves trapped in The Phantom Zone after General Zod assumes control over the City of Chicago on a platform of “Kneel Before No New Taxes”. Apply for that new job now; opportunity awaits!

AFC North: Lamar Jackson lost a lot of weight. You can follow his example by finally seeing a doctor about the 14-inch cyst on your buttock. This also frees up room on your couch- maybe it’s time to think about getting a pet marmoset?

NFC West: The Coming of Hagarg Ryonis, the Lier-in-Wait, to the West Coast has put a damper on expectations for the Seahawks, Niners and Rams, since all of their home games will have to be played at other stadiums outside The Great Waste. Normally, this would be a golden opportunity for Cardinals fans, except 1. there aren’t any, and 2. a new Call of Duty drops during Week 8 of the season. The Stars say there is still reason for optimism: Molson Coors has announced that Zima is coming back in Japan!

AFC West: The Stars want to know what your fucking problem is. Seriously, where do you get off disrespecting The Celestial Order like that? They don’t even want to talk to you right now; they will be staying with Janet until you work your shit out.

NFC South: Have you considered developing an ether habit? That’s what The Stars would recommend if you root for any of these teams. If ether is not readily available, ask a Jaguars fan- more than likely they can advise you on a wide variety of inhalants for every occasion. At work, keep an eye out for opportunities to get noticed when the sheriffs and TV cameras show up tomorrow.

AFC South: the “Expansion and Relocation Division” is the Youth Movement of the NFL- at 25, the Tits’ Will Levis is the Old Man of the division’s starting quarterbacks. Like most youth movements, expect it to be loud and annoying before subsiding into disappointed mediocrity. Beware travel more than 286.65 miles from home. A friend will ask for advice, especially if you are a Jaguars fan.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

Brazil-Colombia at 8 pm Central on Fox Sports is probably your best bet, unless you want to see Becky Hammon order a Code Red on Caitlin Clark.

I will likely be dipping my toes back into the warm, soothing pool of Firefly. Fall 2002 was a simpler time: Kelly Clarkson won the first season of American Idol, Switzerland joined the United Nations, and the Department of Homeland Security was established. Formula 51 and The Transporter were delighting audiences in theatres. And a beautiful space western was born, before we found out Joss Whedon was a fucker and Adam Baldwin was utterly insane.

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Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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blaxabbath

I enjoy the astrology taek.

No doubt the CBS Sundays team will have RuPaul out doing this as a bit on Hour 4 of the Week 6 London Pregame Show.

Thanks AI!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook
WCS

I love this.

Brick Meathook
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1997:

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and also

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as well as

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Last edited 4 months ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Sharkbait

Aren’t there like 4 people that still run that cults website?

Downfield Matriculator

Nope, they are running The Cure’s website.

Brick Meathook

You mean The Cult

Unsurprised

Forget 2002. I’m watching Sneakers (1992)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We’re doin’ nineties, eh? I’ll start here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8BYUmlPq4o

Doktor Zymm

I am a failure. I only just now realized I could make bridge jokes about Trump

SonOfSpam

Like, “It would be cool to shove him off a tall bridge”

HA HA YES IT WORKS

Doktor Zymm

Sure, why not? Moar batman forever
https://youtu.be/yivLt9cTaio

Downfield Matriculator

Able to sign in for the first time in a while (thanks WordPress!) but now I’ll stop my lurking and send you hundreds of dozens of some really good comments I ‘ve been workin up during my exile . . .

/falls asleep on the couch watching Psych reruns

Doktor Zymm

ONE OF US (assuming no pants while falling asleep)

Last edited 4 months ago by Doktor Zymm
ballsofsteelandfury

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Gumbygirl

Hihowareya glad you’re back from downfield! I didn’t realize people were having trouble getting in here, usually it’s me with my nose pressed up against the glass, like a fucking Dickensian waif. You aren’t the first prodigal to return in the past few days, somebody must have cast a good spell!

Sharkbait

Once again, Sharkbait 2.0 wakes up in the middle of the night, and is immediately calmed down once I put Rumours on. Thanks Fleetwood Mac!

Doktor Zymm

Such good music I’m willing to forgive the meteorlogical inaccuracies.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A draw? Boo! If I wanted to watch a bunch of sister-kissing I’d go to pornhub.

At least I’ve got this Spanish teen soap opera that came on after the conclusion of the game to keep me entertained.

Huh. “Derecho” means “right” (as in the direction) but it also means “rights” as in like, freedom of speech.

Doktor Zymm

It is also a sort of super cool and destructive storm that is really difficult to get a weather machine to recreate. Not that I’ve experimented extensively or anything.

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WCS

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/June_2012_North_American_derecho

Anyone remember this? Philly caught tip (PHRASING); parts of West Virginia were without power for a week. This happened during a heat wave, too.

SonOfSpam

Parts of West Virginia HAVE power?

WCS

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, it happened the night of my father’s retirement dinner. Big branch fell and hit the car while we were driving home. A tree fell down in the yard where the car would have been parked if we’d have been home.

I took a picture of him cutting up the tree with his chainsaw and sent it out as a postcard of him having started a new career as a lumberjack.

Doktor Zymm

I was visiting my folks in Maryland but was out when it came through. There are three ways to get to my parent’s place. Two of them were completely blocked by downed trees, the third was barely accessible

WCS

It genuinely felt like a thunderstorm that just never started in Philly. That eerie, windy (increasingly so), humidity dried up a bit… but it never rained. It never even really thundered. Just a lot of wind, like God pooted.

Senor Weaselo

As in, Vamos a perder nuestros derechos por culpa de la derecha.

Doktor Zymm

Forgot about this one. Think I was a preteen who only learned the difference between lava and magma a couple years previous
https://youtu.be/eIdTNyJp38A

WCS

I unapologetically love this song, and 90s U2 as a whole.

Gumbygirl

Me too. We saw them on the PopMart tour in 97. Good show. I know I’ve told you guys this, but Gumby saw them in like 80 or 81, in a bar in Nottingham. Their girlfriends were selling cassettes of Boy at a card table.

WCS

(It was actually UB40 he bought tickets for)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Playing doubles tennis tonight, up 4-3, I was serving and we went up 40-love. Entirely due to my own ineptitude, they caught up to deuce. Then I served two aces to close out the game. Still feeling good about that.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh wait it was 3-3. We ended up winning the set 6-3.

fleshwound_NPG

yea this is one dumb endless summer, with a stupid last few days, but now ann wilson having to undergo chemo? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8-dzxTsA0M

Game Time Decision

Hippo speak >>>>>astrology speak

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One of my favorite Simpsons jokes, and proving to be absolutely timeless:

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blaxabbath

Do you know people with their own observatories? That seems like a pretty LA ‘thing’.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We live very close to Griffith Observatory. My dog has peed there a few times so I think technically that makes it hers.

blaxabbath

Is it a status symbol?

ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve peed there but she probably has me beat

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In terms of total volume it’s probably pretty square.

Game Time Decision

Um, hello, our own Doktor Zymm*
*I assume
/ would nawt try to burn it down, active volcano or not

Last edited 4 months ago by Game Time Decision
Doktor Zymm

No worries, it’s not actually possible to burn it down. Best not to inquire too deeply into exactly WHY it is non-inflammable.

litre_cola

What a goal.

litre_cola

¡Esta partido es muy caliente!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Another very fine goal.

Brick Meathook
SonOfSpam

unless you want to see Becky Hammon order a Code Red on Caitlin Clark.

Is…is that a sex thing I should know about?

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s obviously Period Sex

Senor Weaselo

It’s a cherry Mountain Dew.

WCS

Is… is that a sex thing we should know about?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

aka what Xbox Jr drinks when he pulls yet another Call of Duty all-nighter right before a game day.

Doktor Zymm

I have seen maybe 3 movies in the past 20 years and even I know this is a reference to ‘A Few Good Men’

One day people will look back on the 1990s as the Golden Age of legal ethics

SonOfSpam

(sadly, I was not making a reference)

scotchnaut

A Brazilian is writhing on the ground 46 seconds into the game. I believe that’s a new record.

ArmedandHammered

What, for the longest it has ever taken before a Brazilian lies writhing on the pitch?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I lost my virginity to a Brazilian woman and it was a lot like that.

BugEyedBoo

Shoresy – IMO S1 > S2> S3, but S3 was still well worth watching.

Downfield Matriculator

So it’s not that you don’t love to watch Shoresy, it’s that you really fucking hate not watching it? Give yer balls a tug!

Col. Duke LaCross

Still phenomenal. Like eggs.

scotchnaut

I’m so sore and tired. I made a delivery myself to an account that has the potential to be immensely profitable so that I could talk to the buyer in person and show my resolve. I want Hippo pills.