I got nothing.

Sometimes it seems like the Universe is against you, everything is running off the track, and the only thing left is to look to a Higher Power for aid, comfort and guidance.

That’s right: astrology!

Accordingly, please enjoy the first installment of Miss Cleo’s Football Fandom Horoscopes (Week of July 2):

NFC East: You look toward the oncoming season with a mixture anticipation and dread, like being handed a pushcart hotdog.  The Stars advise you to avoid large social gatherings this week, unless you crave social media fame as “That Guy Who Can’t Stop Farting”

AFC East: “Cautious Optimism” is your current outlook for the coming season, in that nothing tragic has happened. Yet. Your love life takes a turn for the exotic, as you have been chosen to don the kākāpō ejaculation helmet. Don’t worry- it’s just until Paris Fashion Week.

NFC North: Rookies and The Unproven are the dominant force, as Jared Goff enters the Third House and is arrested for trespass. The Packers and Bears find themselves trapped in The Phantom Zone after General Zod assumes control over the City of Chicago on a platform of “Kneel Before No New Taxes”. Apply for that new job now; opportunity awaits!

AFC North: Lamar Jackson lost a lot of weight. You can follow his example by finally seeing a doctor about the 14-inch cyst on your buttock. This also frees up room on your couch- maybe it’s time to think about getting a pet marmoset?

NFC West: The Coming of Hagarg Ryonis, the Lier-in-Wait, to the West Coast has put a damper on expectations for the Seahawks, Niners and Rams, since all of their home games will have to be played at other stadiums outside The Great Waste. Normally, this would be a golden opportunity for Cardinals fans, except 1. there aren’t any, and 2. a new Call of Duty drops during Week 8 of the season. The Stars say there is still reason for optimism: Molson Coors has announced that Zima is coming back in Japan!

AFC West: The Stars want to know what your fucking problem is. Seriously, where do you get off disrespecting The Celestial Order like that? They don’t even want to talk to you right now; they will be staying with Janet until you work your shit out.

NFC South: Have you considered developing an ether habit? That’s what The Stars would recommend if you root for any of these teams. If ether is not readily available, ask a Jaguars fan- more than likely they can advise you on a wide variety of inhalants for every occasion. At work, keep an eye out for opportunities to get noticed when the sheriffs and TV cameras show up tomorrow.

AFC South: the “Expansion and Relocation Division” is the Youth Movement of the NFL- at 25, the Tits’ Will Levis is the Old Man of the division’s starting quarterbacks. Like most youth movements, expect it to be loud and annoying before subsiding into disappointed mediocrity. Beware travel more than 286.65 miles from home. A friend will ask for advice, especially if you are a Jaguars fan.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

Brazil-Colombia at 8 pm Central on Fox Sports is probably your best bet, unless you want to see Becky Hammon order a Code Red on Caitlin Clark.

I will likely be dipping my toes back into the warm, soothing pool of Firefly. Fall 2002 was a simpler time: Kelly Clarkson won the first season of American Idol, Switzerland joined the United Nations, and the Department of Homeland Security was established. Formula 51 and The Transporter were delighting audiences in theatres. And a beautiful space western was born, before we found out Joss Whedon was a fucker and Adam Baldwin was utterly insane.