I don’t know what else to write about, so why not a divisional preview? SponsoUred by the Divine-Blessed Folks at WAL-MART obvs.
Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
Yeah, Fat Andy and Kermit the Frog are going to make everyone their bitch once again. Absolutely nobody in the division can match – or effectively slow down – Kansas City’s speed. Sure, there will be arrests. But it would take a true Gestapo effort (not totally out of the question for 2025, I guess). Even then, I’d expect 5-1 in the Division. At least.
What folks don’t talk about enough is how the Kansas City braintrust self-evaluates sharply, and solders the armor. What usually blows up NFL dynasties before they really start (especially in the salary cap era) is complacency. You win 11, 12 games a few times, and start thinking you’re hot shit. The Chefs looked at their OL after 2022 (I’m pretty sure that was their year) and said “middle of the pack is a travesty, when you have the League’s bestest QB.”
The battle for farthest-from-last?
I wouldn’t really feel right calling it 2nd place. The Raiders, Donks, and Lesser Harbs Clips are all going to have losing records. It’s just a matter of how putrid they get. I don’t think Denver is bottomed out. They went all in on the GODDAMNED 6th QB with their 12th overall pick, despite having none of the foundation built. Jesus, this is gonna be a hard watch. Charmslinger will gloat when he’s game-managing a competent organization into the playoffs, and he’ll be right to do so. Quartered back was not mango and navy salvation – but it wasn’t the problem that…the rest of the roster was. And is. Reach in the 1st round, no 2nd rounder. Cap hell. This is going to be stuck together with model glue and duct ta[pe.
I have no idea what Vegas is trying to do, but I guess its a sensible outgrowth of their owner. Davante Adams is going to pitch an absolute hissy fit ahead of the trade deadline. They’ll still shitcan the Donks twice. FUCK MY LIFE.
On the other hand, the Clips can say they at least have a plan. Though they have no supporters to pitch said plan to, which is probably just as well (given Lesser Harbs’ interpersonal skills). The fair question is whether said plan will work in the modern era, and whether it really suits their one, plus piece (Herbert the Duck, in case you just got out a coma). I expect lack of elite speed/emphasis on the WR position will really drag them down. But they’ll win 9 or 10 games eventually, and be in the wild card picture. Just not in 2024.
Bold Predictions?
Not applicable. Maybe with the other entries. Assuming I don’t lose interest.
NEW THREAD
Waaaaaay too early to think about team previews. I want to live in the undeserving optimism of the off-season.
FINE, I will just post “TRUMP” 200 times for next week’s post, as a lead in to Ballsy.
Listening to a podcast on NPR about aphantasia, super interesting stuff!
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aphantasia
Elephant porn?
No, that’s dumbophilia
I just turned on the CHI-BAL game and the first pitch I saw was a home run.
This happens to me a lot, actually. I think I’ve got some kind of power that I should harness and monetize.
And here I thought only Buddy Cole had the talent to see a lot of men score.
How’s your opium supply, good fellow? Have ye started growing poppies yet?
They’re dropping like flies at a Trump rally in Pennsylvania!
https://x.com/MacFarlaneNews/status/1812207859918381478
Global warming is good, actually
Where’s the boat parades?!
Bourne-a-thon Update:
Is there a more under-rated actress than Kirsten Dunst? I mean, c’mon!
She was fucking EPIC in Fargo next to Jesse Plemons.
Her real life husband if memory serves.
Correct. Season 2.
I’m not sure if they met during that season or not, but they were both great.
Thinking of adopting the Hunter S. Thompson lifestyle:
https://x.com/alexvtunzelmann/status/1039814858273906689/photo/2
I call that my lifestyle during the 80’s.
“Yeah, me too!”
/slowly pushes high school debate club notes into the corner with toes
I call bullshit. Golf from 7:30 to 8?
He’s whacking a plastic ball into a simulator.
“I haven’t heard two guys talk about rouges this much since I found myself backstage at The Drag Strip!”
-me, watching arena football
I think the Harbaugh Clips will steal one from KC.
I’m going to be irrationally angry if Lesser Harbs succeeds in the NFL again.
Hippo’s version of that sentence stops after word 6.
The tens of fans in attendance at this Arena Fitbawl game (on CBS Sports) put the XFL/USFL abomination to shame.
Pots one and two are complete and resting.
Dish 3 is in the oven where it fucking belongs for the next two hours.
Fuck it. I’m done cooking for the day.
Your turn, Chef!
A few seconds later:
*fires up DoorDash*
The finest steamed food is on its way.
Found a funny:
hey asshole “nice” laugh it fuckin sucks [i turn around in my seat and see that it’s Tom Cruise king of the movies] oh fuck
Wait til he hears the snickers at his real lift.
His Thetans had to just be all over the fucking place.
Aww, Madre Weaselo paid my AAA for the year. That was nice of her!
Just double check that she didn’t pay for a year of AA for you.
I better start drinking more then, so it’ll be worth it!
I pay for all my adult chilluns to stay on my AAA account. It is much better than having to answer crying phone calls and administrative hassle (for an expensive tow I will end up paying for anyway).
I like how Frank Thomas is hocking the power of TESTOSTERONE SUPPLIMENTS.
Frank Thomas.
We’re gonna find out he’s been eating stem cells since leaving the MLB.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DhEEo5S9fg
Makes complete sense now
connect teh goddamned dots!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8ZZmJu-l4U
Speaking of this shitty division there is a very strong chance we will be seeing Chargers Saints in October.
Not even joking when I say I’m looking at hotel rooms for a stadium that’s about 14 miles from home.
Fuck that stadium traffic.
There are THAT MANY Saints supporters in SoCal?
There are definitely some. I’ve seen the Saints play out here half a dozen times.
See if you can pay in Meat Dinners.
Now I got that shit.
Walk it!
I can do that!
There are some quality rent by the hour motels on Imperial right there in Inglewood that are easy walking distance.
8 hours in the sun later, my storage shed is clean and reorganized, leaving swing space for the garage which is next. 2 car loads off loaded at the Eco center. I am smoked (it was 95 today) but remained hydrated and only stumbled, but didn’t fall, once.
Fulfillment has gotten odd for me.
Does anyone else have the Bourne-athon on Showtime on in the background?
The Quick and the Dead, while doing paperwork.
The voices in my head, while plotting.
I mean, Fat Sean Payton can’t be that hard to find given that when he sits around the house, he really sits around the house. Amirite?
I need the grip strength to cut through all that marbled fat to make sure I get a good artery, though.
Naw. It’s all kitchen sounds for me. Three disciplines going at once for two separate dishes.
The Office
Put them at Half Staff for Dr. Ruth…not that going to half staff is anything to be ashamed or worried about
Just found out the following:
She also appreciated a good dick joke, and the field (or is it more of an art) of dick jokery would still be in its infancy without her tireless contributions. As a society and as a site we owe her a debt that can never truly be repaid.
RIP Dr. Ruth
Well, at least we can skip the beautification and go straight to DFO sainthood.
Out of respect my nutsack will be swinging low and melancholy.
nods in Old White Guy
Woken up this morning by a call from the police telling me I had failed to appear for jury selection and that the I was scheduled for arrest under a federal warrant for failure to appear. Also that I had signed the summons and sent it back saying I would be there. Fear central, but after my lawyer wife got involved we figured it out was a scam when I asked for his supervisor’s name. Was very convincing and I was very confused, non-caffenated, barely awake, and really needed to pee. So beware of the scammers. At least I now have something to write about on Monday.
Remember people: the police do not call to tell you you’re under arrest. They show up.
It was said, that this was a program where they called as I have no criminal record and I could handle without being arrested. They hope by waking you up and speak fast and hammer you with “info”.
Yeah, they do that shit sometimes by saying that they’re the IRS. Or Microsoft.
My wife got called one time by one of those guys that wanted to do something nasty to her PC. *thick Indian accent* “Please let me have access to your machine, so I can repair a problem with Microsoft Windows.” She led them on for a while, would act like she was having a tough time with it, then say, “Hang on a minute,” and set the phone aside and answer a couple of emails. Did a bunch of stuff like that. After some of this she finally told them, “Look, I know you’re a crook. There’s no way I’m letting you remote desktop on to my machine.” Guy called her a bitch and hung up.
I have done similar stuff.
tWBS used to fuck with scammers all the time. It was his second-favorite thing in the world to do (with his first favorite of course being the seduction of various service industry workers).
“Hello? Is this Mr. [squints at piece of paper] Smitherson? I’d like to book an arrest time of say, 5pm Wednesday? Is that good for you? Will you be home?”
Aside from jury duty, other shakedown pretexts from that gang: removal of Do Not Remove furniture tag, free Cybertruck delivery, granny porn blackmail.
I got a voicemail kinda like that once, but even less sensical. It was something like THE STATE POLICE HAVE YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER
I would be like “Tell me something I don’t know.”
I have everyone’s social security number. The problem is that I don’t know which numbers match which names.
Mine is the one that ends in one.
Roosevelt?
I get calls that are in Mandarin, maybe, that apparently are telling me that I’m gonna be deported
I haven’t got one of the Windows people on the phone in awhile, but would either fuck around with them or tell them that I run Linux
HAWT TAEK – every major footy torneo (other than the Arfikan Euros) should be held in South America or Europe.
The pitches, stadia, infrastructure are better and more suited to futbol. Climate also generally more tolerable.
Seriously no thoughts about Canadia possibly getting a Bronze Medal tonight?
I totally get it.
Enjoyed reading about Bielsa’s rant about the unprofessionalism of Murrika’s host jerb, though.
Highlight of the week 😂😅
High prices, terrible service, and fights? Listen, that’s a shit-ton of guns away from being peak Murrika.
Needs MOAR cowboy hat!!!111
I’m sure many of his points were valid, but Uruguay is also one of the dirtiest teams I’ve ever seen, so maybe he can fuck all the way off with this holier-than-thou crap.
Uruguayans will not be bystanders to their families being harassed in unsafe conditions at the stadium. OH THE DIRTYNESS. Bielsa’s sanctimony > yours 😉
Oh he’s 100% right about the shitty security, don’t get me wrong about that.