What the fuck is a “Mason Miller” and why are they letting fetuses play in the All-Star Game?

Seriously: if this boy has to shave more than once a month, I’ll eat yet another Big Turk.

I swear, I am a goddamned cliche sometimes. Last week I was all up in that naval history bitch, now I’m complaining about how I don’t recognize half the names on the All-Star Game roster. I realize part of that is the permanent brain damage inflicted by five years of chronic sleep deprivation, and part of that is the fact that pitching staffs are now made up of increasingly interchangeable “Throw A Thousand Miles An Hour Until Your Elbow Explodes” parts. My dislike of the modern ASG is well documented, carrying all the bitterness of an apostate who feels that it was the church who left him behind.

That said, “Ranger Suarez” is a quality name.

NFL NEWS:

-The agent for Davante Adams, who has spent the last several seasons getting Increasingly Angry while languishing with the Raiders, has vehemently denied trade rumors after Aaron Rodgers said he could not wait to play with Adams “again.” Normally, I consider angry denials like this as fairly persuasive evidence that a trade is imminent. However, given Rodgers’ penchant for believing the stupidest false shit possible, I assume Rikki is safe buying a black and silver Adams jersey.

-Rookie signings are meager fare, but in the Football Desert one subsists on what is available. With Caleb Williams and Rome Odunze signing in Chicago, there remain only three unsigned first-round draft picks.

One is Amarius Mims, to the surprise of absolutely no one, because he had the misfortune to be drafted by the Bengals. Despite throwing giant gobs of money at Joe Burrow, Mike Brown remains locked in his perpetual struggle with the Bidwells to claim the title of Cheapest Owner and is no doubt trying to negotiate a contract wherein Mims also has to mow the stadium turf.

The other two are JJ McCarthy of the Vikings, and Dallas Turner of…the Vikings! On the one hand, this is amusing, because the Vikings are apparently turning “being late with draft picks” into a whole shtick. On the other hand, Kwesi Adofo-Mensah is one of those guys who looks to have his shit All Together: bachelor’s degree in economics from Princeton University, master’s degree in economics from Stanford University, generally snazzy dresser, etc. And if I were him, I wouldn’t voluntarily give JJ McFuckface any money either. So maybe he knows what he’s doing; while I don’t have an econ background, even I know the basic economic principle that if you pay other people money, you have less money, which is Bad.

-Speaking of Not Paying People Their Money:

*As expected, Tee Higgins will play out his season on the franchise tag. The deadline for working out a long-term deal has passed, and the likelihood of another team willing to part with High Value Assets for a one-year rental seems slim.

*The baby-steps contract talks between Brandon Aiyuk and the 49ers have apparently broken down (again), with Aiyuk openly requesting a trade. I’ve been over this before: yes, they have other weapons out the yin-yang, but Aiyuk is the one that seems to bring out the best in Brocksmith Purdy. They have $30 million in cap space this year, and their projected cap deficit next year can be solved by two simple roster moves. Given that Purdy’s success is frankly inexplicable by conventional science, maybe the Niners shouldn’t fuck with the machine they don’t understand while it’s still humming?

WHAT TO WATCH TONIGHT:

The Natural (1983), starring Robert Redford. It was primarily filmed in Buffalo at War Memorial Stadium, a.k.a. The Rockpile, because it could convincingly simulate the look and feel of a 1930s stadium owned by a shady cheapskate. I went to my first ballgame there, and fell in love with the sport amongst its deeply uncomfortable seats and poor sightlines (it was the most multipurpose of multipurpose stadiums, hosting everything from the Bills to NASCAR racing INSIDE the stadium- per Wikipedia “[d]ue to the small size of the track, drivers were forced to leave the venue to make pit stops at nearby Masten Armory.”)

Jesus, I really am old.