These are the teams that will take to the pitch, and our SWAG’s as to how they will perform.  Take with the appropriate grain of salt.

Also, trying sommet new, format-wise.  The ded/relegated from 2023-24 simply have their last season’s predictions in strikethrough font.  I think it’s kind of neat, but YMMV.  RESPEK yo’ ded homies!

Arsenal aka King’s Afrikan Water Pistols (2nd in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  Second again last go, but without the late season collapse.  89 points is nothing to sneeze at, but only got them silver.  Will they finally get over the line, or collect their third straight first losership?  I foresee further agony.  Maybe on goal differential for a twist of the knife.  Predicción:  2nd

Ballsy: I think they’re going to drop. Having come so close to not get it, I think will wear in their already weak psyche.

Predicción:  4th

litre: Made it just in time and survived a weekend with BC Dick. Not for the faint of heart, he actually enjoys Malort?!?!?

I’d like to thank the Gunners for Emile Smith-Rowe he’ll be dynamic with Mighty Whitey. As to where they will finish? I think that they’ll take a wee step back this year which is a shame as they are the only other London team that I don’t hate! I think Saka is a generational talent, but Declan Rice was waaayy too expensive. They also kept and signed the wrong keeper Raya as they should have kept Leno a year ago. Which gives me the excuse for this! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

A step back but only one. Predicción:  3rd

Aston Villa aka Midlands Cunts (4th in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  Fourth?  NO SHIT, these guys qualified for Shempions Proper, despite continental implosions denying Inglen that seemingly-assured 5th berth.  Unai Emery is quite the coach, and even landed the next great European centre-mid (Amadou Onana, 50m from Everton) to unleash in their quest to show 2023-24 was no fluke.  I’mma say less slippage than most will predict.  Predicción:  5th

Ballsy: I really like the Midlands Cunts name! More teams should be named the *** Cunts.

Predicción:  8th

litre: I started following the footy back in 99, and I took a liking to these guys. Then I did some research and seriously fuck them and the prince who supports them. HOWEVAH! Unai EMery is a hell of a coach and they brought in Onana from Everton plus Maatsen from the tenants. Will they be deep enough for 3 cup runs and the league? No. No they won’t

Predicción:  9th

Bournemouth aka Up the Cherries (12th in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  Are these actually here to stay?  Amazing what competent ownership can do.  So much dross below, I don’t see much turbulence for yeah right’s crew.  Predicción:  10th

Ballsy: They keep hanging around like a dingleberry instead of a cherry. At least you can put a cherry on top of a sundae. You can put a dingleberry on top of a shit sundae but we have enough of those already.

Predicción:  13th

litre: They’ll sell Solanke and be toothless. They will survive only because they fired Scott Parker last season as he is cancer. They’ve brought in the square root of fuckall.

Predicción: 16th

Brentford aka Praise Beesus (16th in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  Oof, these were the surprise package, in the wrong direction.  Ivan Toney was indeed a distraction, and the “money-spinning” bid to refresh the squad never came.  Instead, the wheels came off and they repeatedly got their ass handed to them.  39 points was comfortably above the drop zone, but danger beckons.  Predicción:  19th

Ballsy: Beesus is a fun team to follow. They’ve managed to stay in the Premiership for a while now and now the only question is whether they will ever get to sniffing distance of the top places. I say nae.

Predicción:  10th

litre: Just like they will say to Gamblor enthusiast Toney, BYEEEEEEEE. Fuck these guys and their lego tinpot stadium with a rusty spanner. They think they are big club, they are not. They are barely 3rd in West London, QPHAHA is more followed than these fake fucks and their dickhead fans. Their coach Tommy Frank has overstayed his usefulness.

Predicción:  BYEEEEEE 18th

Brighton & Hove aka Trashbirds (11th in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  Consider this group a warning shot to Villa – too much, too soon can boomerang if you’re not careful/don’t build squad depth for Europe.  Trashbirds struggled abroad and domestically, and their maniac manager got the sack in the end.  They start over with the dude who got St. Pauli promoted, and more modest expectations.  Predicción:  15th

Ballsy: I don’t understand how this team is any good. They’re from nowhere and I can’t think they make that much money. I like St. Pauli, tho.

Predicción:  11th

litre: They did what mid level teams do. Get good, manager moves on, sell their players, get the sugar, make the money, then get the women. I don’t think that they’ll go down but they’re starting to fade in the result department as they aren’t using the funds for transfers for anything special. They indeed have spent 66 million on three guys who I have never heard of.

Predicción:  14th

Burnley aka Boo-urnley aka Team White Lives Matter (Championship….champs in 2022-23)

KH:  Vincent Kompany instantly revitalized a very stale, dull Burnley side.  They absolutely obliterated the Championship – now we get to see if they can sustain at a higher level of competition.  Hippo sez nae.  Predicción:  18th

Ballsy: I too say Nae Rolls. Yet, the hottie came around and all of a sudden guess what? Predicción: 16th 

litre: They did a hell of a job in the Championship last year. Everyone just hates playing at Turf Moor. They are well coached however the board does nae spend the pounds and that will hurt you in the end. Now with more JJ Watt!  Predicción: 18th

Chelsea aka Chelski aka Trespassers FC (6th in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  Holy cats, somehow these guys finished strong and landed in 6th.  Despite being seen as the epitome “Crisis Club” all season long.  New manager (the guy who got Leicester promoted) gets to experiment with some squad depth “misfit toys” which could be good, bad, or even both.  Sticking with last year’s call.  Predicción:  9th

Ballsy: Maybe they bounce back this year? I don’t think they’ll be as bad as they’ve been lately.

Predicción: 5th

litre: First off, they have 8 fucking goalkeepers. Eight! They signed one the day I read this. “The west London side list Jorgensen, Sanchez, Petrovic and Kepa among their senior goalkeepers. That group also includes Marcus Bettinelli, Lucas Bergstrom and Eddie Beach.”

Remember when they spent 747 million lbs and Fulham took 4 pts from the cunts? Pepperidge Farms does.

This season they have spent a tonne of money and I hope the results are just as dire. I don’t think that Todd Boehly knows that teams need time to gel, and maybe, just maybe managers should stick around for more than a half season.

Tosin from Mighty Whitey went there on a free because Tony Khan is either a fuckface or Marco Silva deemed him too susceptible defensively. After Tosin’s 1st game where he got beat twice, the scumbag fans are after him. We told them he has flashes of brilliance and goes on walkabout from time to time.

Fuck I hate these guys. They will be better this year , but seriously Todd build a stadium in your own fucking neighboUrhood!!!!!!

Predicción:  6th

Crystal Palace aka Will Somebody Please Just Shoot Uncle Woy Already (10th in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  How on earth were these a top half side?  Was the Prem’s usually-impressive depth really that lacking?  Yes.  Yes, it was.  They drop back a bit.  Predicción:  13th

Ballsy: The Premiership doesn’t have depth. I don’t know who sold you that little fairy tale.

Predicción:  14th

litre: They’ll sell their good players like Eze and be in big trouble at Selhurst Park. They sold Olise for 50 million to the krauts and have spent sweet fuck all to shore up the squad. It is a pity as I have friends in the neighboUrhood and it is a joy going there.

Predicción: 15th

Everton aka Very/Perpetually Disappointing Everton (15th in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  Wow, I still can’t believe we got all the way to 40 points.  Two separate hot streaks of 4-5 matches surrounding by the most dreadful footy you’ll ever see.  Now, DCL is in the last year of his contract, and is moping that nobody is coming in for him (after failing to agree terms with the Barcodes).  Onana is gone (bye bye any vestiges of midfield creativity), but Branthwaite stays so the best centre-half partnership in the League keeps us up, barely.  Split the difference of the last two survival bouts.  Predicción:  16th

Ballsy: I would find it hilarious if this team was relegated just to see Hippo’s reaction. Alas, they just fuck with his emotions.

Predicción:  17th

litre: Each year throughout the season I text the Hippo assuring him that they’ll be fine. Each year he responds from the depths of despair that the world is ending. Each year I’m correct, I’ll be correct again this year and am still awaiting my hog jerky from North Carolina as payment. You can’t kill these guys, Liverpool needs their foil and they will survive until the new stadium is built.

They sold Onana which is bad as he was dineomite, not to be confused with vegemite which is worse that a Malort/Skyline Chili shot. They still haven’t sold the Branthwaite fellow at time of writing so that is good. I feel that the points deductions are behind them and they will surprise. Hippo can haz a happy.

Predicción: 12th

Fulham aka Mighty Whitey (13th in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  This is a complete mystery Xmas gift swap.  Fulham are re-made, and they could soar or they could crash.  I don’t see any middle ground, so they’ll surely come 13th again, but I am a stubborn prognosticator.  Predicción:  8th

Ballsy: For Litre’s sake, I hope they do well. I don’t need two DFO writers having nervous breakdowns.

Predicción:  12th

litre: I do not fear relegation. It is our 3rd season in the top league with Silva and he’s cast a spell over the Portuguese speaking futbol world and gets guys that normally wouldn’t come to the club. We sold Pahlinha to the krauts, Tosin left on a free. REAAAAAMMM is old and went out to pasture at Charlotte FC. We’ve brought in Emile Smith Rowe from Arsenal, Sess has come back home from Tottenham at the age of 24 and a cb from Spain has joined. I feel that we’ll still either sign Andre from Fluminese, or McTominay from United and will have a superb season.

Muniz will bag 10 goals, Raul will bag 10 as well, there will be much rejoicing in the good part of West London.

Predicción:  7th

Ipswich Town aka Ipswiches Get teh Bitches (2nd in C’ship 2023-24)

KH:  These came out of nowhere to earn a second consecutive promotion, despite last season’s 2nd division being absolutely loaded.  I am quite certain only I am high enough to foresee their unlikely survival .  Predicción:  17th

Ballsy: Uh, what’s an Ipswich? It’s a relegated team.

Predicción:  19th

litre: I checked with Maestro and an Ipswich is a sandwich of some nature. Agree completely with your call there on their placement.

Predicción:  19th

Leicester fka Foxy Footy (1st in C’ship 2023-24)

KH:  YOU LIE, Chester!!  Or at least, you goosed the books in order to bungee right back into the Premiership.  Only to get a points deduction (still pending, but nigh certain) that tips them over the edge.  I can’t believe Jamie Vardy is still playing.  He’ll come off the bench at Goodison, and score a hat trick in under 10 minutes.  Predicción:  18th

Ballsy: I’ve always liked Leicester since that magical season they won. I would like them to stay up for a while.

Predicción:  9th

litre: They will get points reducted and will be dead last. Book it Ivan Toney!

Predicción:  20th

Liverpool aka Redshite Filth (3rd in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  Eat shit and die, you cockmongrels (yes, I plan to say this every season).  No German Elton John, I’d like to see them suck hind teat like the Brendan Rodgers era (when I first started supporting Everton).  But Hippo can not have nice things, and they have enough to make one MOAR medal run before the rot really sets in.  Predicción:  3rd

Ballsy: This maybe anger the Hippo, but I see them challenging Man City for the title again.

Predicción:  2nd

litre: decilitre is a Liverpool supporter due to my friends at the pub and wears their gear with pride. I often get asked how I feel about it and I say that I am fine because it isn’t Chelsea.

The Scousers have had a real quiet offseason after the departure of Klopp. For me the big question is if they can galvanize under a new gaffer. I believe that is why they have been so stagnant n the transfer window, keep the gang together and give it one more go .

I agree with my friend from LA.

Predicción:  2nd

Luton Town aka ??? (3rd in Championship 2022-23)

KH:  There’s punching above your weight, and then there is Luton Fookin’ Town.  How on God’s Green Earth could they even compete in the second tier with a 10,000 seat stadium?  Somehow, they earn a second bite at the apple – ie, become this season’s Bournemouth.  Predicción:  15th

Ballsy: I believe in fairy tales as much as the next guy. If I didn’t, I would have never achieved some of the things I’ve achieved. (Hippo glares at me because he thinks I’m talking about anal. I am.) However, this one ain’t happening. Predicción: 20th

litre: If you have ever been to Luton Airport it is the nicest structure in that city and it’s rundown and shitty. I personally love that they got here but there is no fucking way they are staying up. The best story is of one of their players who has been there for every promotion since they were non league. I doubt he gets much of a run out this term as this is the big time now. Predicción: 20th

Manchester City aka City of Men (1st in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  Water is wet, Pep wins the League (and flirts with retirement) yet again.  Nothing amuses me quite as much as idjits who think he’d take the USMNT jerb.  I don’t care if you offered him Ohtani moneys.  Predicción:  1st

Ballsy: Pep is a God.

Predicción:  1st

litre: They will win England, and then Pep will take the England job. His ego demands it!!!!!

*They will not win the Champions League

Predicción:  1st

Manchester United aka Red Devils aka Men Untied (8th in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  8th in the Table, a negative goal differential.  Red Devil pitchforks were sharpened and ready, then EtH wins the FA Cup over the noisy neighboUrs.  Tory Jim decides it wouldn’t be properly white to sack him, so the Dutch band plays on.  4th gets them JUST in the Shempions qualification, and the fanbase will be furious that EtH thinks that is good progress.  Predicción:  4th

Ballsy: I just think they will be good again. Someone has made a deal with the devil and it’s time to collect.

Predicción:  3rd

litre: These bastards will 100 percent bounceback next year. Have you seen the state of the world right now? I did however thoroughly enjoy their shit season last year. They have brought in Yoro and Zirkzee while banishing Martial, Varane, rapist Greenwood, Van der Beek. They are also rumoUred to be getting rid of McGuire, Casemiro, McTominay and someone else I can’t amember. They will be fast, young and good

Predicción:  4th

Newcastle aka Bonesaws aka Geordie Arabia (7th in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  It was hilarious they were gonna be in the Zooropa B Division, then the FA Cup shock result meant they got fuckshit instead.  Serves them right.  Predicción:  7th

Ballsy: I miss Newcastle Brown Ale.  That was my Go-To underage drinking beer.

Predicción:  7th

litre: Only good thing about Newcastle is the nightlife. It all turned when Prince Salad or whatever bought them and transferred St. Maximin to Saudi. It’s ok though, America is going to get some of that sweet Saudi money as Biden ok-d selling them arms again!

I had an inkling last year that they would struggle with the demands of playing in Europe’s highest league and I was damn right.

They haven’t done very much in the transfer market yet which does not give me hope for them in challenging the higher ups.

Predicción:  8th

Nottingham Forest aka Robins Hood (17th in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  These are just SO VERY SHIT.  They stayed up on 32 measly points, and 27 would have done the job.  They fall another rung further down Dante’s circles of hay-ell .  Predicción:  20th

Ballsy: I prefer the Robin Hoods. Sue me. It doesn’t matter because we won’t be taking about them next year.

Predicción:  20th

litre: Not quite dead yet. They will stay up because it is frustrating.

. Predicción:  13th

Sheffield United aka Team Knifey (2nd in Championsip 2022-23)

KH:  Mainstream punditry will have them straight back down, but me and my drugs KNOW BETTER.  Predicion:  16th

Ballsy: My favourite Sheffield team is Sheffield Wednesday because it makes no fucking sense. There is always one championship team that does well its first year in the highest league. This is it for this year. Predicción: 15th

litre: They are going back where they belong. They have spent 0 dollars and their ownership has stated that they aren’t spending anything. Predicción: 19th

Southampton aka Sham Town (4th in C’ship 2023-24, playoff winners)

KH:  Christ on a bike, these assdicks are gonna hang around for a decade, lingering like the collective cabbage fart they are. I actually felt bad for Leeds.   Predicción:  14th

Ballsy: The only thing I know about Southampton is that is where the Queen Mary sailed from in an episode of Poirot. Predictably, Captain Hastings fell in love with a thief.

Predicción:  18th

litre: I’ll get my hopes up that they will be relegated and they’ll just hang on.

Predicción: 17th

Tottenham aka Hot Spurs aka Yid Army (5th in Prem 2022-23)

KH:  Worse than they were last season, possibly tired of Swarthy Manager’s “intensity”….yet I default put them in 6th again, like a dumbass.  Positions 6-through-17 really are complete fucking guesses (and 5 is probably stupidly wrong).  Predicción:  6th

Ballsy: This seems like the right place to stick them in. Phrasing.

Predicción:  6th

litre: The Aussie manager will get them very close to a Champions League spot but not quite there. Premier league defenses have figured them out and he isn’t cunning enough to get over the hump. They will also win no trophies so their cupboard will continue to be bare.

Predicción:  5th

West Ham aka Hammers aka Rum Ham (9th in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  Good night, Sweet PrinceDour Scottish Cunt.  Time to re-jigger the squad, and hope it isn’t too late.  Good year to experiment, with the arse end of the Table so very arsey.  Predicción:  12th

Ballsy: Somehow, I only have 16th place and 15th place left, so I’ll flip a coin.

Predicción:  16th

litre: They’ll have a slow start and then pick up momentum then all will be peaceful in London like it is currently…..

Note, their neighboUrhood is akin to Winnipeg in that they really like the stabbing arts.

Predicción: 10th

Wolverhampton aka Wolves (14th in Prem 2023-24)

KH:  I know nothing about this group.  Again, someone must represent each ordinal number.  Naturally, they finished exactly as I predicted last year, because it involved the least thought.  Predicion:  11th

Ballsy: You can’t blame the math.

Predicción:  15th

litre: I have 11th left so that is how it shall be. I would like to point out that I got the three relegated teams right last year.

Predicción:  11th