Hi everyone,

I’ve emerged from the union lair to live up to my responsibilities and provide a season preview of everyone’s favoUrite team, the Atlanta Falcons.

Before starting in on this year’s edition of my Walkway Through Hell, let’s check in on their possible Hall of Famer from this era, Matt Ryan.

Choosing to sign a one-day contract to retire as a Falcon in April 2024, Matt Ryan sat unemployed during the 2023 season in order to collect $12 million owed to him by the Colts after they cut him in March 2023. That’s why you heard nothing about him last year; he just chose to quietly sit at home & collect money rather than campaign to Fitzpatrick/Flacco his way onto a playoff-desperate team.

Honestly, I kind of respect that.

This brought his career earnings to a staggering $303 million, and hopefully allows him to survive until his chiseled jaw & good looks land him a third-tier color job on CBS.

Since that fatal Super Bowl Sunday,

the Falcons have returned to the mediocrity I remember of them from my youth.

So, let’s see how they build out from three straight 7-10 seasons.

Head coach:

Raheem Morris.

This seems like a shockingly competent hire. He’s a defensive specialist, having spent the last three seasons with the Rams, helping them win a Super Bowl. He’s also returning to the Falcons, where he was an assistant in various roles from 2015-20. Just looking like he’s not about to have a seat right over there from Chris Hansen already puts him ahead of the last guy.

As for future success,

Counting Falcons interim coaches – which he has been (2020) – Morris is the 19th head coach for the Falcons since their founding in 1966. Jerry Glanville is their most famous, but he was around for only four years (1990-93). Both Dan Reeves & Mike Smith each had seven years at the top, but because they weren’t fucking lunatics their tenures slide under the casual fan’s radar today. It says something about a franchise when their most famous coach is famous for personality rather than wins or longevity.

Quarterbacks: OH MY GOD!

In my… EIGHT?! years of covering the Falcons for [DFO], since 2016, I have never seen so convoluted a situation for a team in rebuild mode. And I remember when the Seahawks overpaid for Matt Flynn.

In March, the Falcons signed Kirk Cousins to a four-year, $180 million contract, with $100 million guaranteed. Sure, he’d never done much with the Vikings in the playoffs, but he’s still got an arm and his health.

What makes this even more hilarious is that their GM, Terry Fontenot, ate a $50,000 personal fine for tampering and cost the team both $250K and a draft pick for trying to smooth the process of getting him to Atlanta. I guess it was worth it to avoid giving him the ol’ Mike Modano.

UPDATE: maybe not. But he says he’ll be ready for Week 1. The torn Achilles from last season “feels great”, and Arthur Blank’s in love with him,

“Kirk Cousins is our franchise quarterback, is our starting quarterback, and he seems to be doing great from a medical standpoint,” Blank said. “His attitude, his leadership, culturally, personally, with our players, with the coaching staff, has been nothing short of outstanding. So we couldn’t be happier with that situation.”

Or, at least as in love as an 81-year-old man can be without the other person being a 24-year-old Russian “nurse”.

At 35 Cousins has still got —

.

.

.

Oh, I can’t fucking do it. It’s laughable that they gave him $180, let alone $180 million.

They clearly believe so too, because during the Draft they did this,

Sure, he’s been injured a bunch during his college career, but the guy he’s filling in for is hurt now. So, how is the team handling the press for this?

All… right? At least he’s got Arthur Blank’s seal of approval,

“I’m super-sensitive to all forms of succession planning,” Falcons owner Arthur Blank said one week into training camp. “After 60-odd years of business, in any business, that’s critical. And at the key position, the quarterback position in the NFL, that’s very important.”

That sounds exactly like a man who was told that he may have excitedly bought a used car with an expired warranty just so the other guys in the fraternity couldn’t, so he was forced to buy additional coverage. If they cut Cousins after this season, he costs $37.5 million in dead-cap; but when combined with Penix’s 2025 rookie contract value at $5.2 million, it’s still a better deal than Denver suffers this year for cutting Russell Wilson. This seems like a write-off, also something Arthur Blank is familiar with:

“I’m a capitalist — got to make money, otherwise the business, the institution is not sustainable. It’s not going to be there for the future,”

Offensive Weapons:

• Running Backs:
  • It starts & ends with Bijan Robinson. He only had 974 rushing yards last year, and cracked 100-yards just twice. It didn’t help that he played behind a quarterback roster fan site The Falcoholic generously called “grim” at the end of the season. But he’s backed up by Tyler Allgeier and his 683 yards, so at least he knows he the starter.
• Wide receivers:
  • There’s not much to go on from last year, as the “fiasco” The Falcoholic also called last year kept anyone from standing out. After serving his suspension for gambling, Calvin Ridley is now placing his bets in Nashville. Leading receiver Drake London had just over 900 yards, but it was a long drop off from there. This is why they brought in Ray-Ray McLeod from the Niners & Darnell Mooney from the Bears to shore things up, and they both might benefit from a healthy Kirk Cousins.
• Tight End:
  • Football pool poison Kyle Pitts is still here, and it gets worse from there.

So, to sum up,

Defence:

Well, this should be where Morris shines. He is, after all, a defensive specialist, and the Falcons were already the 11th ranked defence in yards allowed at the end of 2023. So, let’s see how all this breaks down in terms of analytical competence:

• Bleacher Report – 24/32
• PFF – 26/32
• SI – 25/32
• CBS – “Somewhat unlikely”, and even went so far as to classify the whole corps as a “not […] particularly inspiring depth chart”.

Well, that’ll ensure Arthur Blank keeps the concession prices lower.

So, why are hot dogs still two dollars?

Well, it starts with Jimmy Lake, a Morris acolyte who has worked with him in both Tampa Bay and LA. Hopefully, he’s worked on the temper issues that got him fired from Washington. The Falcons PR team thinks so, as their biography on him helpfully glosses over that moment & instead reminds people he’s a defensive wizard who helped guide the Rams to a surprise Wild Card spot. They’re going to run a 3-4 package, despite the loss of two pieces of consistency in Calais Campbell (Dolphins) and Jeff Okudah (Texans – are they a team?).

Despite it all, they still have Grady Jarrett. After tearing his ACL, he’s spent the offseason working on getting back into game shape. One thing that gave the Falcons such an impressive ranking last year was the fact that Jarrett was consistently double-teamed, freeing up others for deep penetration.

He’s spent his time working with the rookies signed after Penix was drafted. Ruke Orhorhoro, Brandon Dorlus and Zion Logue have all spent time with Jarrett during the offseason, mostly learning the mental game of transitioning to the pros since Jarrett is still rehabbing the leg (a Falcons offseason tradition!). If all goes well, they could be the most consistent Falcons starting line since the 28-3 season.

Which is good, because the rest of the squad will need some help. Words like “capped upside”, “prone to frustrating lapses”, and “looming problem” seem to follow every evaluation of this defence. What it’ll come down to is how big a lead can the offence build, and then can the defence hold on until the end. In the end, the Falcons D is also dependent upon the gamble they took on Kirk Cousins.

I’ve got a good feeling about this.

Predictions: It’s the NFC South. Since Drew Brees retired & Tom Brady rage-quit, it’s anyone’s division to win. The Falcons could go 7-10 AGAIN if Kirk plays up to form. But if a couple of those overthrows fall into the right hands, that becomes 10-7 real quick and snags them the division title. Mind you – 7-10 could also take the division, given how last year played out. This makes the only real reason to watch the NFC South at all is for the whole 1970s NASCAR car wreck aspect of the games, and that could be fun. Place your bets accordingly.