This summer has been a whirlwind decade, has it not? But I have good news for you – if you make it to Tweaker Halftime tonight, the calendar will move to September. Unless you are some kind of g-dless heathen on PST, obvs.
Western Kenfucky (+31.5) at Alabama (7:00, ESPN)
Just highlighting that THIS…is somehow a primetime, main-ESPN broadcast. Not that I’mma kink shame snuff films, y’all know I be a mammal of tolerance (scowls at Balls in WASP).
Notre Dame (+3) at Texas A&M (7:30, ABC)
Look, the Domers play basically ONE credible opponent all season, and its the perpetual-self-dick-trippers of College Station’s Bonfire Cult. I really don’t want to watch this, or hear the insufferable fluffery. Even if the Irish get pantsed, and lose to no more than one of the other smurfs on their schedule…they’ll surely stink up the playoff bracket. JUST FUCK OFF. Enjoyed sifting through their cheerleader pics, though.
fka Westwood Klavern (-13) at Hawaii (7:30, CBS)
Thank fuck we can say “fka” because one can never unsee Fatass Chip Kelly in a hawaiian shirt. Will there be a Blax sighting??
New Mexico (+30) at Arizona (10:30, ESPN)
Honestly do not recall EVAR having two 30+ point spreads in the same preview window. What a time to be alive! Speaking of Blax, his beloved Bear Down FOAR Midterms should win easily, but Bronco Mendenhall covers, thanks to having the same Christian name as Hippo’s 2nd cat grandson. FUCK YOU, it’s as sensible as anything else my brain shits out.
Wyoming (+7) at Arizona State (10:30, FS1)
It’s nice they scheduled both desert-based tilts so as to minimize spectator deaths. For the record, this is considered our main Tweaker Fixture. GET IN SHAPE for September now, y’all. And all praise and glory to Hippo’s muthaland!
Five minutes extra time at Newcastle because the ref pulled a hammy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgmmL-9pSTo
Bobby Mo with a Play of the Year candidate.
Well I guess the Vikings scout who once critiqued of the 49ers wide receiver: “Ricky Pearsall couldn’t catch a bullet…” sure looks like an asshole right now.
All these sunburnt fatasses jammed at the front of the baggage carousel. In 2024. Talking to each other about what they’re looking for as they congregate exactly where the bags come out.
Jet fuel needs to double and Social Security payments need to be missed for the next ten years to assure continuous funding operations in the future.
And we need to build a dome around Southern California. Good god- I can’t eat alone at bar anywhere without some dude from Newport Beach having a vacation property in the city/island impressing the shit out the bartender.
So… Seamus is alive in Newport Beach?
I’m taking the robot car home. That it’s not safe on the freeway but it slowly takes me on a dark, surely-predictable, backwoods route through the bad areas (which are loaded with choke points, if you want to make a worst case scenario of this) has concluded for me that the human driver off of which this software was designed is….
PFC Jessica Lynch.
So thankful for Rumsfeld, Chaney, Wolfwowitz, etc. for giving us our own Diet Vietnam.
When I was 21, my friends had Anchorman quotes. I was in Afghanistan and we rode, “I’m a soldier too.” to death that year.
Which is fucked up because she’s been vocal about the Pentagon’s lies about her events. But I’m sure she understands the importance of never glancing slightly away when your target is the Army that gave you a weapon that fucking jammed immediately. Jesus christ. Just draft the men and we’ll just go win the next war before that guy’s bitch wife had her next kid.
Oh, before I forget again, princess’ sister asked, “what’s your website about?” early today.
I also realized I have to walk another set of people through this insanity.
Best of luck with that.
Here’s a book recommendation for Lowratio.
/Horatio REALLY regrets opening that can of worms…
Jesus Tapdancing Christ.
Who, despite his drops and brushes, will never be the Messiah as far as Lowratio is concerned.
I’ve discussed this with him many times, explaining that given his catastrophic hand and foot injuries Jesus H. Christ simply cannot be relied on as a receiver, but it makes no difference to Lowratio, who remains committed to the run, with the receivers either blocking or used as deception.
As I said, he’s orthodox.
(artist’s rendering of WCS seeing this the first time while on a call)
Get home after a week in the rainforest and savanna to find my toilet full of spiders
Better than full of mosquitoes at least
Dare I ask if you brought them with you?
Too much trouble to get them through customs. I’m not smuggling any sort of animals anymore, introducing raccoons to the UK was enough
Mrs. Horatio and I went to Canuckistan this weekend.
Mrs. Horatio, a *big* fan of the wacky weed, ditched her stash on the way up because she was worried about the border.
Getting Into Canada: (bored guard) (with heavy French accent): “Anything to declare?”
Me: “Nope”
Bored Guard: (Still with French accent). “Cool, have fun”
On the way back, carrying two leftover joints purchased legally in Montreal:
US Border Guard: (no accent, but surrounded by 5 cameras and with three pursuit cars ready to go). “Anything to declare?”
Me: ‘Uh, we have two bottles of maple syrup?”
BG: “Whatever, that’s their issue. Welcome back.”
Did I mention we’re white as fuck?
Also the maple syrup bottles were mixed with bourbon on one case and rye whiskey in the other and holy fuck are they delicious.
Also, French Canadian women? Mon Dieu!
Another fun incident, every time I would use my French, which is best described as ‘merde’, whoever I was talking to would *immediately* start speaking English. Like “look, we appreciate the effort you’re making here, but this is gonna go a lot quicker for everyone if you just shut up and point at what you want”
Canadian French is its own thing anyway
Oh, doesn’t matter in my case: either way I’m likely to try ordering a beer and say something so offensive it starts a border war.
Seriously, I’d walk up and say ‘Boing Journey’ and the service person would just be like ‘Just stop, I can speak English better than you can speak…whatever it is you’re speaking right now.”
As long as you make the effort you’re in the good books.
So you’re either smuggling in illegal refrigerants or socialized medical dick pills, right?
Two bottles of maple syrup, a 4-pack of beer, and 3-4 joints were hauled across the border.
Suicide Squeeze Double Play!!!!
🔱 Up!!!
It’s still August, but Oktoberfest began today.
Such great news! I mean, when was the last time the Germans did something that wasn’t awesome?
I’ll give a full report on Oktoberfest from Dublin.
I’d read a piece on how to prepare for October fest.
Speaking of reading, (since you fuckers are some of the most well-read football fans and dick joke enthusiasts to walk this Earth), I was recently in a bookstore, as is my wont, and on a whim I picked up a complete set of James Ellroy’s ‘The LA Quartet’ books, (The Black Dahlia, The Big Nowhere, LA Confidential, White Jazz), and started reading it during this past week’s vacation.
If you like noir detective/crime stories I cannot recommend it enough. I’m only into The Black Dahlia, albeit well into it (that’s what she said), but his writing brings you back to the ’40’s and puts you in some dark goddamn places.
Also the introduction makes fun of The Black Dahlia movie, which it deserves.
Fucking fantastic LA noir.
Love it.
Definitely read that as something else, and I think Balls is finally wearing me down.
“OK, I get why they’re dealing with a murder and police corruption in late 40’s LA but did they even have electric clothes dryers back then, and if so why does the main character’s attractive step-sister keep getting stuck in one?”
In case you haven’t read them yet, the original Raymond Chandler is amazing. There are two good collections of his work.
Here’s an Amazon link, but if you can find them at Independent Book Stores, even better:
Raymond Chandler: Stories and Early Novels: Pulp Stories / The Big Sleep / Farewell, My Lovely / The High Window (Library of America) https://a.co/d/gp6DupW
Excellent stuff sir Balls.
Great reads everyone of them.
I don’t think I’ve ever read Chandler, but I will say that my brother, the MFA who somehow still refuses to recognize Moby Dick’s rightful place in American Literature, (sharpens harpoon), *loves* Chandler.
I have no opinion on Moby Dick, but Chandler is wonderful. Great noir with an attitude.
Looks like I have 1370 pages of Ellroy to work through first.
Also reading ‘The Seven Pillars’ which led to the ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ movie, and which is a very difficult read, (whatever else Lawrence was, ‘good writer’ was not one of them), and is holy shit level racist.
Success!
Currently reading The Quiet Boy by Ben Winters and I love everything he’s written.
If anyone hasn’t read the Last Policeman trilogy, fucking fix that.
I’ve dug everything dude has written.
Good read.
And! Read the Wager!
Will discuss later.
I bought The Wager for my father but have yet to read it myself.
Reminds me of one of the great brawls I have with my brother, who holds an MFA. I thin ‘Moby Dick’ is a fantastic work, and up there with ‘The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn’ as a foundation in America literature, and he regards it as a total piece of crap.
Seriously, we’ve hurled things at each other over this.
I fucking loved Moby Dick!
I just reread it 2 months ago and it’s still fucking amazing.
The 3 harpooners are perfect and I could actually build, staff and sail a boat based on Melville’s attention to detail alone.
That book is amazing and you have a valid right to a proper grievance.
Counterpoint: Moby Dick is tedious crap. The chapter on 101 uses for whale oil makes it seem like Melville was being paid by the word. Which maybe he was; I know Dickens was, but at least Dickens managed to be interesting.
You would really hit it off with my brother.
Ordered! This sounds great!
Enjoy!
Also, and I realize not everyone can do this because they’re now so goddamn hard to find, if at all possible please buy your books from a local and independent bookstore.
Goddamn right!
This is perfect timing for this discussion because I just finished a gigantic collection of short stories and it’s time for some new stuff.
Were you able to find Waldo?
Of course not. Nobody knows what happened to him.
That’s a fantastic callback.
It’s called “AAAAAAACK!: The Complete Cathy Collection”
Even the betting gods hate Ted Cruz
https://x.com/RedditCFB/status/1830083644339126351
I hate that one of those were the Trashcans. At the Stadium. In the ALCS.
Abilene Christian Wildcats vs Texas Tech Red Raiders – Game Center – 8/31/2024 | Microsoft Start Sports (msn.com)
Instead, we got that wet fart that was Jawja-Dabo!
Even without ever seeing, hearing, or knowing of “Riley Leonard,” you’d know instantly he either plays football for Notre Dame or basketball for Dook.
Middle of August, I come upstairs, walk into the living room and this is what I see.
Happy Halloween?
It was last year’s costume. You can’t see it, but he’s in there playing a game on his iPad
i told mrs. fozz if you root for notre dame on saturday, you don’t have to attend mass on sunday
she didn’t believe me.
i’m still not going tomorrow
She doesn’t believe you’re rooting for Notre Dame. That’s the issue.
If I have to hear about the Ephesians ONE MORE TIME
Just burn the church down tonight. Problem solved.
We go to two different churches: the one I’ve been going to for most of my life, a classmate is the monsignor there, it’s traditional but I find peace when I go there, time to reflect, etc.
The other church is a fucking circus – one of the most conceited priests I’ve ever seen, people who are way too much into church, non stop signing, it’s horrible.
We’ve walked out of mass and I’ve said to her, “You know, walking out of church, I shouldn’t want to beat the shit out of everyone around me.”
A lot of early Christians believed that faith was a matter between one’s self and God, and that the practice of faith was best practiced in private, between the self and God, without any public histrionics. For example, see Matthew 6:5-8, in which Jesus advises us not to be like the hypocrites who make sure they are seen in public when they pray, but rather to go into your room, close the door, and “pray to your father who is unseen.”
What I’m saying is you have a man-cave, and you should go into it, close the door, and scream “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST” and “GODDAMMIT ALL TO HELL” as your teams once again destroy all reasons for faith, but you’re still talking to God, in private, as Jesus commanded, and thus are a better Christian than your wife.
Also please film yourself telling her this.
From multiple angles and lens speeds.
Oh god yes.
This has the potential to be a Scorsese film.
I think I could set up a few iPhones from multiple angles to catch the reaction, and the blood spatter.
‘As God is my witness I did not know you could do that with a rolling pin!”
I have quoted that line to her many times to point out the hypocrisy of her born again side of the family. I practice my faith in silence, by myself, that’s the way I want it. In the end, it’s about finding some semblance of peace, remembering all that I have to be grateful for, and trying my best to not be an asshole the next day.
I have no use for church, per se, but there are moments, especially when hiking, that it feels good to just sit and look at everything around you and just think. I can’t see any reason I need a third party in there to talk for me.
All while demanding I tithe 10% for the privilege.
Bingo. I frequently tell my wife that the only reason they make you go to church is to shake you down for money.
See?
I missed all of this fun by not being raised catholic.
It was a blast.
Oh yeah, the crushing guilt was what made it so much fun.
There are more people inside Kyle Field than the entirety of the shitstain of an excuse of a piss dribble of a hole known as Roanoke, VA.
Both places should just melt back into the earth.
Still strange to me that of all JV teams, Princess’ family chooses Ohio State. Puzzling.
Outside of the vehicular homicides, regular homicides, Penn State homiciding WVU earlier, and the current apocalyptical storm outside, pretty gnarly weekend thus far.
Yinz?
Spent the week in Montreal and Burlington, VT, meeting new friends, reconnecting with old friends, hanging with my son for three days and eating so badly that when we got home today and went out to eat, (because all we had in the fridge was the spoiled ham Lowratio wouldn’t eat), all I wanted was a salad.
Ole Miss-Furman, artist’s depiction:
These teams should include escalator clauses on points scored against them.
00-50: Flat rate
60-69: 50k bonus
70-79: 500k bonus
80-99: Double flat rate plus previous bonuses
100+: Triple flat rate plus previous bonuses
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOMZ-Buj2n0
lol, 50-59 was supposed to be the first escalator at 50k. 60-69 was supposed to be 250K. Then the rest as stated.
The Golden Domers just got screwed by the refs. Hate to see it.
I think we can all agree that, in the age of NIL, college football is a mess. Here are two modest proposals to address one of the excesses:
Modest Proposal The First: No team may employ, or in any way use, a ‘get back’ coach and/or anyone employed for the sole or partial purpose of controlling any other coaches communications systems and/or wiring. Coaches are presumed to be grown-ass adults and are therefore presumed capable of understanding where they are or are not supposed to be on the filed and/or not tripping over equipment, wires, or their own dicks.
Modest Proposal The Second: Under no circumstances is UConn allowed to field a football program ever again.
Tennessee had a Niiiiiiice performance today. Johnny Reb needs a garbage time FG to get there. You’re welcoUme, scotchy!
Doctor Odyssey: The Love Boat, But With Legionnaire’s Disease, coming soon on ABC.
offering something FOAR everyoooonnnne
Feels kinda weird rooting for Notre Dame, but they did hire a Black coach and they are playing Rick Perry’s alma mater.
PISS OFF, he wares glasses now so he’s SMRT
If there was a just and loving god watching over us, a meteor would have destroyed Kyle Field by now.
I’m not following the game live, so I just assume that call for notre dame was a bad one
Whoever took UCLA minus the points needs to seriously check out Gambler’s Anonymous.
I think y’all Klavern faithful are going to look back on the DeShaun Foster era as “the Gas Leak Year”
Forgot that Wink Martindale was the DC at Michigan. He’s on a downward slope-next up is DB coach at Kentucky Wesleyan and then the high school circuit. All because he thought he had the juice to replace Daboll as coach of the Giants.
He should have settled for hosting telethons and 50s dance competitions like his name fated him to do
You come at the king, you best not miss!
(also need a knife with heft and depth, that Daboll one THICC dude)
Daboll’s all about that tactical belly fat.
So a friend told Senorita Weaselo about Carrie (the musical version), and it made me think: What other Stephen King works deserve musicals?
Misery? The Shining? Pet Sematery?
Christine
The Stand
The Stand is one of the worst books I’ve ever stopped reading. And I can name you about 6, maybe 7 books that I’ve given up on over the course of the last 45 years.
Oh, are we shit-talking The Stand!? Because I have some thoughts….
/unfurls completely unhinged manifesto that is somehow longer than The Stand
OK, first of all….
Editor’s Note: As ArmedandHammered pointed out I am talking about an entirely different story and/or set of books, and I should be roundly ignored.
Tons of promise in the first 50 pages. As it was laid out, you knew this book was going to be a banger.
I’ll go farther and say that the first three books are really good.
For me the fourth book was good, but with signs that things were, (no pun intended), heading off the rails, and the last three books, (I have never read and will not acknowledge the later book King tried to cram in there), are simply a crime against his readers.
Do you mean the Dark Tower series? The Stand was a one off and is still one of my favorite reads.
Apparently you and I have a difference of opinion and Horatio should stop licking toads after 6pm.
“We wouldn’t be in this mess if Horatio licked anything at any time” — Mrs. Horatio glancing longingly at the mini condo under the stairs.
It’s funny, but the longer the Lowratio story goes on the more attached I get to the little fella as a much-loved member of the family and not just a sex dwarf.
I may have to move him upstairs, maybe to the giant TV stand we used to use to store the dog crate.
To be fair I started drinking at breakfast, as have been documented, spent several hours in a car while Mrs. Horatio smoked weed, then got home and started drinking again.
I was thrown by Scotchy saying 6-7 books which, when combined with King, sent me directly, without passing Go and without collecting $200, to The Dark Tower series, which I loathe with the white hot fury of a thousand burning suns.
As for The Stand I have to, with a great deal of fear, (although somewhat less being safely back over the border), disagree with Scotchy: The Stand, along with It, is a masterpiece and King at his best when it comes to long-form storytelling.
But I will say that reading the unexpurgated version he put out in later years, while enjoyable, does show you how much early King benefited from really good editors.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled dick-jokery.
It’s not King, but Silence of the Lambs shout 100% get adapted. I have most of the score in my head. Hose Again! don’t-you-know-you’ll-get-the-HOSE AGAIN!
One of Bill’s victims mournfully singing from beyond the grave, “Yes, I was a great big fat person, but that doesn’t mean it’s OK to kill and filet me for a dress!”
Get Lin Manuel-Miranda to set this to a rap and set up the money-printing machine!!!
#InclusiveCasting
I’m still working on him, Bobby Lopez, and Thunder Levin on Sharknado! The Musical.
/This is an ongoing joke of mine that I should post on the alumni page except I will get yelled at on said alumni page.
//Throw in the corpse of economist Richard Gill somewhere in this joke
///Yes, these are specific jokes to my HS.
Christine?
Cujo?
I can keep going!
Tommyknockers?
Just kidding. I think even King has acknowledged what an unmitigated pile of shit that one was.
Too much coke.
I think he’s actually said that when explaining that book. Like he actually doesn’t recall writing some of it, never mind what he was thinking when he wrote it.
Same thing with Maximum Overdrive. He’s on record as saying he doesn’t member parts of filming it because it was essentially a six-week coke binge.
The Long Walk.
That and ‘Mrs. Todd’s Shortcut’ are two King works that need to be made into movies.
I think the original Running Man would make a hell of a single-season series on HBO or whoever is good at that sort of thing these days.
There is a movie planned for the Long Walk, but as a musical it would really shine..
THIS GUY BYU DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR JAY HILL I CALL HIM SILL BIMMONS’ WIFE BECAUSE HE’S GOT A BROKEN HEART AND SOME ALOHA FEVER!!!
https://x.com/CoachJayHill/status/1829977309547544704
That Western KY +31.5 bet is looking as good as that ham we accidentally left in the fridge before leaving for vacation.
Was it on a shelf that Lowratio couldn’t reach?
He’s Orthodox.
(Guarantee I am really gonna regret introducing that into the Lowratio canon)
At least it answers the question as to whether he’s circumcized or not…
So he really likes eating fish? No wonder he was allowed to move in.
Yessirree, really regretting this one.
The hats are pretty sweet
You give these poor fuckers all these elaborate costimes, then try to keep the gays out. PICK A LANE.
I mean one is already scoping out the altar boys, not sure what the Kurgan is doing there.
Different bunch.
I wonder if this flight from HAWAII will be showing the I-Still-Cant-Believe-They-Are-Good Ann Weaver Hart Victims (trademark-pending now that I’m into IP stuff like those dudes who own islands in Hawaii).
There’s going to be an Aaron Hernandez movie on FX?
I hope the ending doesn’t leave us hanging.
Or PDT even, which I will be back on in a few hours after waking up at 2:30 am EDT to catch my flight out of Georgetown. Had some good soup today. Also carelessly joined a new fantasy league that’s drafting tomorrow. Best I could do for a name on short notice was ‘the ratbird you came in on’ with a picture of the pub sign where poe supposedly had his last drinkypoo
Q4 of Georgia Southern/Boise State (ESPNU) is pretty good.
6 TDs? With 10 minutes to go? ROFL