We laughed, we cried, we maybe self-abused and then took a nap. Disgusting perverts. Here’s your sub-optimal, 3-game late window:
Donks (-5.5) at Raiduhs (4:05, CBS)
It would be very, very Denver Broncos to break Vegas’ 6-game, putrid losing streak. But it’s really just a matter of containing Brock Bowers (dunno if they will break tendencies and put Surtain on him – but I certainly would).
Tomsulas (+6) at Packers (4:25, Fox)
This line (not even a full tuddy???) shows waaaaayyyyyyy too much deference to Baby Shanny. On the road, with BRANDON ALLEN? Yeah, they are gonna take an epic beating here. Let me get on the record early with Throw The Damned Ball to Watson, you cockwallets.
Qards (-1) at SeaTruthers (4:25, Fox)
Just Asking Questions bowl in the Pacific Northwest! Though the national coverage tilts to GB, this is without question the Match of the Window. Winner really leaps into poll position for the dicision, especially if that winner is Xbox, Jr. and pals (Mike Bidwell’s sexuality aside). Who would have believed, going into the season, that they’d be road favoUrites today? Life comes at you fast sometimes.
/estranged family member passes away
Other Estranged Family Member: “Can you help me out here, please? I’m very old-I can’t do this by myself.”
Me: [after lengthy consideration] “Ok, ok, I’ll help out.”
Wife: [shakes her head]
Other Estranged Family Member: [passive-aggressively throws as many obstacles in front of me as possible]
Wife: “Here we go again…”
Me: “You know…you know what she is? She’s an Energy Vampire!”
Wife: [laughs] “Holy Shit! That’s exactly right!”
You are a very good guy, for a psychotic serial killer!
I want one more kill so badly…
Do it. Reunite them with their loved one.
My father’s siblings haven’t quite figured out that an ALS-related-near-quadriplegic shouldn’t continue to be Executor of their mother’s estate.
“Dadshirt, can you be in Xenia tomorrow to sign something for the lawyer?”
“I can’t. I’m bed ridden.”
“Its wheelchair accessible. Just you and your wife drive two hours with you in your wheelchair to sign something.”
“Its too hard.”
“Okay, what if I send you the paperwork to sign.”
“I can’t sign.”
“No, its okay. Its only your name.”
“No, I literally cannot sign!”
I’m not going to minus 1, but -1 to your clueless relatives
You were inside my brain-I was going to -1 with an explanation. You know what…
I just gave the bastard -2.
This is horrible shit that my wife sees far too often.
/the minus is for the circumstance, obviously not for the comment itself
I just started watching ‘what we do in the shadows’ yesterday so this is extra funny
Oh my god this final season is so over the top hilarious.
Tasty gummy that’ll hit right about kickoff of the night game? Don’t mind if I do!
These kickers have apparently forgotten to sacrifice to SHAN’KHLOR regularly this season.
I am glad I did not get up at 6am to go to this game.
I can safely curse at the Seahawks while I am dry and warm at home..
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO
High five on coziness!
THE RIDDLER STRIKES AGAIN!
ridder still with the falcon stink on him
He is seriously J Peterman calibre bad
MY FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM, I CALL IT A BLOODY NOSE, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I PICKED IT, I’M BLEEDING ALL OVER THE PLACE
Minshew seems like a pill guy. This is a blessing in disguise.
And anyone who spends time on the Raiders could probably use some pain killers
Hubris is keeping CMC in the game, down 3 TDs with 10 minutes to play
I read it more as desperation and longing for their past selves
hey, Bastard Man – did the RITE Montana team win yesterday? I ain’t hear nuthin.
GO CATS!
So, yes.
Oh yay, I forgot to check!
The vaunted Bo Nix/Courtland Sutton stack has delivered me 45.12 points! [throws out the Double Bird] “Fuck You, Relegation League!”
Oldest Fozz Spawn has friends over. “Do you think you could just have one beer in the shed and then leave?”
Were you asking him, or was he asking you?
THIS
Fozz Spouse: “Where are you and why is there an empty beer can in the shed?”
Fozz: “You always say I should listen to our kids more.”
He was asking me. The asshole.
It’s your house, do whatever the fuck you want, including making your kids embarrassed just for shits and giggles
Follow the DFO Rule and walk in with a beer and no pants.
They both mumble/growled it at the same time, for sure.
Kyler nearly RROD’d himself on that play.
donks/stillers russ revenge game in the playoffs is gonna be funny if he loses to bo
Not sure if funnier than Steelers losing to Tebow in OT, but at least worthy of discussion.
I had a hard on for a week after that loss to the Donks.
Kavontae Turpin speaks like an Afrikan-American Boomhauer
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpGbDGdjFVk
That is fucking AMAZING
What’s that blue stuff on some of the Cards unis? Smurf jizz?
In addition to losing to a liquid poop team, Washington also lost both top 2 RBs
I have a contact on Facebook who is a racist jerk, she’s also a Commanders fan. So, I’m happy today.
maga mom and dad still call them by their old name…which is a full two names ago
heritage NAWT hate amirite???
I still call them TEAM.
it is gonna take a LONG time to get rid of the snyder era
even longer with a post-october kliff kingsberry offense
Sigh. You are correct, and I wouldn’t be upset if it weren’t the cowfolk since this season has already been far better than expected and with no depth there’s only so far they could go. But goddamn I’m pissed that everyone gets to beat up on them but not the Hope team!
They’re both starters on my fantasy team!
Holy shit are the 9ers disappointing this year.
nah, they just decided to be disappointing early this year: before thanksgiving rather than less than 2 min left in the super bowl, again
I can’t say shit as the Iggles shit the bed the year prior v the Chefs.
but they succeeded once! shanny has been leading in the 4th several times in the superb owl and has yet to win one
Hey Litre, I am gonna save Hippo thoughts after this window. If you and/or Spam want to add your SNF thoughts after tonight’s Derby action, y’all feel free. But certainly no obligation.
Nice catch, seattle
HOX!!!!
https://bsky.app/profile/nytpitchbot.bsky.social/post/3lbptaxu4722j
Had a bottle of that once. I’d maybe cook with it, but I don’t think I’d drink it again.
What is it? Barefoot?
Yup
(wish they’d offer a companion sponsor of “and Pregnant”)
Isn’t that Barefoot’s low alcohol line?
(buy a case and get a 30 day supply of prenatal vitamins free!)
That legit is one of the worst brands in all of the wine kingdom.
My friend had to do a tasting as part of the Olive Garden waitstaff initiation
Tastes like nothing. They get their grapes from the backwoods of everywhere. It is for lazy people. I guarantee dear Dok, that if we went into a wine store I could find us something for the same price that is actually good.
No doubt!
Hey is Reynvaan winery any good, my just got an order from them.
Boone’s Farm.
Strawberry!
Wait, there’s a tree lighting ceremony at The Grove and they televise it and it’s the 23rd year already???
How the fuck do I not know about this? I live in LA for fuck’s sake!
minshewmania!!!
Clearly there’s a urinal underneath Scott Hanson’s podium there…
Or he wears those new men’s underwear I see advertised nowadays. NO DRIBBLES OLD MAN! PISS YOURSELF WITH DIGNITY!
I’ve always assumed that he is sitting on a toilet when he is shown sitting down on the Red Zone broadcast.
He should be so lucky!
Audience: “How Hardcore is Scott Hanson?”
DFO: “HE’S SO HARDCORE THAT AFTER DOING SIX LINES OF COKE HE INSERTS THE CATHETER HIMSELF!”
Look Google, I can talk to myself just fine. I don’t need some bullshit AI that will answer my rhetorical questions with facts.
And sometimes with ‘facts’
Just back from Treehouse, where they enclosed an outdoor drink area and called it ‘The Snow Lodge.’ In the gift shop they’ll also sell you a hoodie labeled ‘The Snow Lodge’ for what I’m guessing is $40-$50, but I wasn’t falling for that one.
But they’ll also sell you hot chocolate, and I do like me some good hot chocolate.
Me: “One hot chocolate, please”
Bartender: “Sure. Would you like that spiked?”
Me: “I would like that spiked! What are my options?”
(we agree on peppermint schnapps, as due to some oversight they do not have Grand Marnier)
Bartender: ‘Would you like a marshmallow?”
Me: “I would like a marshmallow, yes! Thank you.”
(bartender crams a roughly 8″x11″ marshmallow into the cup)
Bartender: “$13 please.”
Me: “What the fuck just happened?”
-The hot chocolate was delicious, but not as delicious as sipping it while in the back room in front of a TV screen the size of my house surrounded by Patriots fans watching the end of the game
Isn’t the Snow Lodge the room where everyone does coke?
That’s the snow Lounge
Definitely more of a lounge activity.
I wasn’t falling for that one*
*Because my wife locked me out of our joint account again. Damn you, woman!
I did spend $16 on finely ground coffee for the new coffee machine she bought herself recently and is learning to make lattes and espressos on.
That oughta keep her from getting too worked up on how much I just spent on beer.
I bet you that marshmallow was artisan something
I’ve seen smaller paperback books.
Math Hard Update: My entire bench of 14 guys has scored 9.2 points. Did I pick the right guys or is my depth for shit? The answer is, “entirely”.
If it makes you feel any better, my Bye Week strategy of relying on the RB tandem of Cam Akers and Jerome Ford has paid off to the tune of 3 combined points.
GTD is in bye week hell and he is still going to beat me.
Maybe
I think he was still the right call between Akers, Charbs, and the Gus Bus
Correction: 11 fellas.
Why is there a B. Allen at QB for SF?
Did Byron Allen get his talk show cancelled?
Well, GG Allin is dead I think.
Turns out smearing your own shit over your own open and self-inflicted wounds does not lead to an extended life.
Who knew?
You don’t get art man.
Longer than anyone would have though
Fair
The comics are no longer unleashed.
Wow I didn’t really appreciate how shitty this slate is if Rikki’s Raiders and Hippo’s Donkeys are the featured matchup in DC.
“This is a seven stud game.”
What is “A great weekend at Buddy Cole’s condo?”
I’ll take An Album Cover for $800.
That’s anal bum cover, sir.
“What is Nathan Lane’s rider before any Broadway show?”
Lol, shanny
Now that the Chiefs were almost defeated by the Panthers, can we abandon the fact that they’re fucking bulletproof?
that was the Shield reminding KC to keep those ShieldAssist payments on time.
At NFL HQ:
Wow, a team as good as KC failed to cover an 11.5 point spread against a team as bad as the Panthers while the NFL relentlessly promotes legalized gambling?
No way.
Informed today I’m permanently banned from Reddit. I called someone “stupid” in the comments section. I’m appealing. Fuck Reddit.
Good luck with that. My RTD account at reddit got permanently banned because I reported someone else’s abuse of the Reddit Cares anti-suicide feature, and they never responded to or even acknowledged any of the appeal requests I sent.
Just pounded 4 Bud heavies in honor of my grandfather. Ah, the memories. After dinner, he’d sit in his chair (with orange reflective tape covering tears) drink Bud in grenade bottles, smoke Camel filterless and generally complain. I had a knack for standing right in front of the television, which would drive him nuts.
First bar I ever hung out in was his local dive. Lots of cigarette smoke and draft beer. He’d give me a few quarters, have a shot and a beer, then drive me home. No one complained.
Those days were the fucking best.
My Uncle Henny and Aunt Cass owned a shot and a beer joint on the South Side of Pittsburgh. It had one of those bowling machines that you threw a puck down a slippery surface, like shuffleboard, but there were pins that lifted up into the top. I can still remember how it sounded in there, and how it smelled.
He once bought some stolen coats from that bar, and then never wore them because he was afraid of getting arrested. They were really nice coats.
Also, in his neighborhood some guy was selling tvs that fell off a truck. So everyone bought one. Well, the guy got arrested, and everyone in the neighborhood had to throw the TVs out (receiving stolen goods).
Was there a poster of a topless Terry Hanratty above the bar?
Ha, maybe!
The best/worst dive bar near me just closed, and the building is for rent.
I wanted to make one of the absolutely worst financial decisions I could ever make, but Mrs. Horatio put her foot down, simply because “that fucking building is infested with bed bugs (true, actually), and I will murder you if you even go into it.”
Probably the better decision.
Former strip club?
I would be more worried about crabs.
with that business having occupied by a strip club
And therefore Jameis Winston
Not a former strip bar, just a complete dive that had some shitty pool tables, a great jukebox, and would sell you bottles of Millers and Pabst for $2.
Rumor had it they’d also sell you cocaine, although probably not for $2.
Smart lady, bedbugs are no joke
They check in, but they don’t check out.
You normally don’t see that much movement in backfield except at a Dinner Club dance.
Three straight road games.
Three straight W’s.
Nine and two
This has been your Vikings update.
SKOL Motherfuckers!
I would prefer if you lot had to play the Lions in the playoffs please.
Stay tuned.
Trickeration in Raider Nation!
I swear they are saying Feral Brown instead of Pharaoh Brown.
Is Kyler wearing an oversize novelty helmet or is he just that small and regular helmets look big on him?
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
That was a fumble
Well, I laughed and cried. I went through a box of pictures, and letters. It was emotional, but I’m glad I got them sorted. Tomorrow I’m packing Gumby’s sports memorabilia up, and putting it in storage. Keeping myself busy and getting the house ready to go on the market. I haven’t been paying much attention to football, but somehow Blax is right on my tail in FF, despite him starting two guys on their bye, and Dak Prescott! What the actual fuck?
Keep trucking, G.g.
From what I gather in Ligue 2, Brick can’t log into his yahoo account and Blax just doesn’t.
But they both have won a few games! Fantasy Football is weird.
I remember that feelings wave, the first weekend after my dicorce that I didn’t have the kids. My house NEVER was less cluttered by Sunday night.
And what you are going through is 20x worse. All my best vibes are yours.
Stay strong. My father loved snowballs. And we have a snowball machine. I was getting ice from the freezer, swung the door shut and was face to face with a picture of him and me at a Ravens game – back when he was happy and in great health. Fuck. That hurt.
I’m making oyster stew in his honor for Xmas. Cream, butter, oysters. I can’t fuck that up. Right?
I love oyster stew! With lots of pepper, and those little oyster crackers.
If you buy the oysters in a month without an ‘r’ you sure as hell could!
/I actually don’t think this is true anymore, but eating oysters in the warmer months used to be a great way to lose a lot of weight.
Yeah, you can nowadays and you’ll be fine although they might not be as tasty
As a Baltimoron, I will never, ever eat oysters in a month without an “R”. I’d rather put on a fucking Steelers jersey.
Raises hand. I took a nap.
Lowers hand, raises hand, lowers hand, etc.
Are the Bears maybe the third most cursed team? Buffalo is #1
Raiders might be second
matt eberflus, in every one score game, remembering the task at hand:
I’m glad I didn’t go to the bears game, I’m not prepped for those sorts of emotional crowd swings right now
Plus, ducking all the shell casings is a pain in the ass.
I need a cigarette after all them shenanigans.
“I think I’ll sit Keenan Allen.”
19 POINTS LATER…
1-11 in DFO Fantasy
Such Bears. So loss.
Oh Bears. That was a very Bears loss.
matt eberflus: greatest tank commander