Another week of cray-cray, let’s get right into it!

Ideal 7/5 window is marred by the raw sewage quality of those early seven.  But as always, some entertainment to be found in odd corners of the FITBAW-verse.

500s/LOLfins was the one game with two decent teams and reasonable stakes.  Did you know Houston leads the League in sacks?  I would never have guessed.  Tua knows better, now (actually, he doesn’t – his brain is pudding).  Two sometimes prolific QBs, both completely stifled in a slobberknocker.  But it was the hometown 500s who led pretty much start to finish, for a 20-12 final.  Later results would formally crown the 500s as repeat Surly Duff division shempions.  That’s probably all she wrote for Miami’s season.  Waddle got hurt, too.

Crazily competitive?  N’Awlins hosting the Commies.  Saints acted like the game didn’t start until midway through Q3, and spotted WAS a seemingly-insurmountable 17-nil lead.  At that point of the proceedings, homies had a total of TWO first downs.  In desperation, they pulled Haener for Rattlesnake Kid, and they managed scores on their last 4 possessions.  Palendromic TD-FG-FG-TD, including the last on the final play of regulation.  Just bananacakes.  Whereas Washington dicked around enough that they only managed 3 further points of their own.  NO is playing for pride, so no reason whatsoever to play for Extra Time.  They went for two, missed, and Commies escape 20-19.

Q-aron’s desiccated carcass and The Legend of White Mac managed an old-fashioned DUUUUUVVVVAAALLLL shootout, which the arselicking Jest eventually won, 32-25.  I don’t want to mention any further details, so I won’t.

First time in seemingly a decade, the Black Panthers took the pitch as a home favourite.  It did…not go well for them.  Wee Bryce regressed maniacally, turned the ball over like 10-15 times, and the Non-Gendered Cowpersons got well in a hurry, at least defensively.  30-14, Dallas.  Meh.

Chefs/#The Pauls was just sad, even by Cleveland standards.   Rapey Jameis somehow turned it over more than Bryce Young.  KC never left 2nd gear, but they didn’t really have to.  After Nick Chubb broke his foot, Jeroma Ford broke off a 60+ yard TD run to avoid the clean sheet.  Chefs basically called on 21, and won 21-7.  But they finished out the win under Dakota Jeebus, as Mahomes re-injured his gimpy ankle.  I’d assume he’s out for Saturday’s tilt against the 500s, at minimum.

You’d expect Ratbirds/VEP to be a wet bag of shit, and by gum, it was.  Lamar! tossed 5 scores, and made it look ridiculously easy doing so.  The Vertically Enhanced Persons killed Tommy Cutlets, and gimped out the rest under Tim Boyle.  Oy vey.  35-14 Balmer, somehow covering an insane-for-pro-FITBAW 17.5-point ROAD spread.  It would have been way worse had the Ratbirds any incentive to make it so.

Good on Team WKRP, clinging to faintest of faint playoff hopes.  They took a few sucker punches early, but then played ACTUAL, CREDIBLE DEFENSE in Nashville.  That is, they waited for Will Levis to do his thing, which he did with reckless abandon.  With the ball, a 10-point lead, and an opponent without timeouts…Cincy for some reason decided NOT to take a knee, and each team traded TDs in the last minute of garbage time.  Very weird.  Anyway, 37-27 to the Bungles.

The 5-pack late?  Looked fucking great on paper.  But that’s why they play teh games!

Denver hosted the Fat Humps, with wild card implications.  You will never see a team shoot itself in the balls like Indianapolis did.  Going in for an untouched TD to go up 20-7?  Jonathan Taylor dropped the ball for a touchback before breaking the plane.  And they kept fucking up.  Donks go 3-and-out?  Humps turn it over, for 3-and-out-FG.  Then, give up a ginormous punt return so DEN could start a drive on the Indy 15.  Now, it’s 17-13.  What next?  Will, how about a veeerrrryyyyy slow-developing, obvious trick play/double pass (may have intended for a third) monstrosity, that pass rusher Nik Bonitto picked and returned for 6.  Indy should have won this game by about 30.  Instead, they turned it over on downs at 13-24, and that was the end.  Happily take the gift, but that was just insane.  Garbage time score makes for a 31-13 final.

BUF/DET was the Superb Owl preview that humanity wants, but will not get.  I thought the Fuck LioUn OL/home field advantage would carry the day, but Brokeback was locked in and basically kicked Detroit’s ass from start to finish.  Buffalo is scary as fuck when they fire on all cylinders.  48-42, final (sooooooo much garbage time).

Philly hosted Yinzburgh, in another plausible Owl preview.  Home and road roles reversed from the game recapped above, as it was Jalen Hurts and pals who controlled this one all the way, despite losing Saquon to an owie.  Stillers did indeed force Hurts to rely on the pass game, it just worked.  Oopsie.  My preview skills are wretched.  27-13, final.

Now that their season is mostly kaput, the Qards can play well again.  The final reads 30-17, but Arizona really kicked New England’s ass in this one.  Cat toying with mouse action made it look closer than it was.

Lastly (before SNF), we had today’s biggest surprise.  I certainly have been impressed with the strides MRSA Men have made over the 2024 season, but in no way whatsoever did I see Baker and pals – despite early turnover woes – to run riot over Lesser Harbs’ defense.  At home, no less.  Tampa trailed 17-10 late in Q2, then ran off THIRTY points straight.  Holy shit.  Slow golf claps all around, for the 40-17 victors.  As impressive a result as I’ve seen all season.

SeaTruthers host the Packers in a very nauseating fanbase (Clubhouse excepted) SNF battle.  I’m not going to pay much attention to this, but here goes.  At least for the first half?  GB beat the absolute tar shit out of SEA, concluding with a long, stupid DPI-fed chip shot FG to go into the locker room at 20-3.  Life can certainly surprise you, but fuck it – that’s enough for my tired, old ass.