Well, the Ides of March have passed, and there were no emperor stabbings. I did not vote by double-secret absentee military fake ballot for my senators to spend the Ides idly. Alas, we must find other distractions until football season starts anew. So we’ll turn our attention to the hardwood

and see which 19 year old tall dudes to wager on. Please note, this preview is for fun only. Do not take out a second mortgage on your house and gamble lots of money on these picks, even if I really really seem convincing. As a mediocre middle-aged white male, I express opinions with extreme confidence without having any actual insight or knowledge. It’s the American way! Two notes before we get into the predictions. One, the number next to each team is the “seeding” – the “lower” the “seed” the “better” the “team” is “supposed” to “be.” Two, the games will be previewed in crono khrona chrawn order from early to late.

THE FIRST FOUR

Every year, there are four games played before the actual first round starts. Call it a cynical money grab by the NCAA if you must, because that’s exactly right. These games are stupid and will not be previewed in any way due to tariffs (Are you sure this has something to do with tariffs? – ed.) (No, but Trump’s a disphit and this whole tariff thing is the height of disphittery.) (Can’t argue with that. Carry on. – ed.)

FIRST ROUND GAMES – THURSDAY

9 Creighton vs. 8 Louisville – The first game should be pretty competitive, as the “seeds” are right next to each other. That’s some good analyzin right there. You should bet on Louisville, as it’s a city where they have the Kentucky Derby, and Creighton is that kid on your kid’s lacrosse team who has all the best equipment but just sucks out loud. GET IT TOGETHER CREIGHTON – YOU’RE COSTING US THE GAME!

13 High Point vs. 4 Purdue – High Point is some religious school in North Carolina. My stepdad matriculated there. I wish he hadn’t told me about all his matriculating, but we all have scars to deal with. Purdue should win by virtue of being a school we’ve heard of, but this could be a sneaky upset thing. Coincidentally, in high school I was voted Most Likely To Be A Sneaky Upset Thing.

14 Montana vs. 3 Wisconsin – Wisconsin just had a good run in the Big 10 (which has a lot more than 10 teams) tournament, so they’re favored here, but Montana’s mascot is the Grizzlies, and if there’s one thing I know about grizzlies, it’s that they like salmon. See where I’m going with this? No? Um, Wisconsin should win. Salmon is good though.

16 Southern Illinois Edwardsville vs. 1 Houston – You can tell how big a city is by how much they gotta describe themselves. For example, Edwardsville is all like “Yeah, we’re in the Midwest. Specifically Illinois. Specifically the southern part.” Whereas Houston is all like “Dawg, you know.” Therefore, Houston will win this game easily.

16 Alabama St. or St. Francis PA vs. 1 Auburn – Possible national champ Auburn is gonna play one of the loser play-in teams. Doesn’t matter which one. Auburn will win by approximately 900 points. Legend has it Auburn was named not for the hair color, but for the first Alabama joke, which was “How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?” “Because if it was invented anywhere else, it’d be called the teethbrush.” Aw, burn.

12 McNeese vs. 5 Clemson – These 5-12 games are always potential upsets. But if they’re predictable, are they really upsets? And if a tree shits in the woods, does anyone hear the bear? These are other observations are in my new book, Philosophy For Assholes. Please buy it at an independent bookstore. Also, Clemson will win this game.

11 Virginia Commonwealth vs. 6 BYU – Hey, did you know Virginia is a commonwealth and not a state? I mean, it’s a state, but those people will bore you with their commonwealth nonsense, so the best thing to do is avoid Virginians. Don’t watch the old TV western either. Stick to Gunsmoke. As for this game, BYU is actually good this year. Dunno why, but here we are.

9 Georgia vs. 8 Gonzaga – Gonzaga will probably win this game, but Georgia will still have Marjorie Taylor Greene and her weird-looking toes. Back to the basketball, um, Gonzaga is good but not as good as usual but still good. Georgia is a land of contrasts.

15 Wofford vs. 2 Tennessee – Wofford’s team name is the Terriers, which is adorable. They will get the crap kicked out of them by Tennessee. “Tennessee” was also a hit song by Arrested Development, who then left the music scene to become a TV show starring Jessica Walter and Jason Bateman. Jason Bateman’s sister Justine played Mallory on “Family Ties” and that’s how you play Six Degrees of Short Attention Span. SQUIRREL!

10 Arkansas vs. 7 Kansas – Being a #7 seed is a disappointment for Kansas, but they’ll probably win this game anyway. Kinda weird how these two states are named. Like, did Kansas look at Arkansas’ name and go “I like two of those syllables” and voila, we have Kansas? Or did Arkansas steal Kansas’ name and add Ar because they didn’t know how to spell “R” or maybe some third thing? Alls I knows is both states should be traded to another country for some tundra to be named later.

13 Yale vs. 4 Texas A&M – Ugh, this is the part where I have to consider an Ivy League school. Yale, where both George W. Bush and C. Montgomery Burns graduated from, will lose. That’s good! But Texas A&M is a different kind of crazy. The “A&M” stands for Agricultural and Military, and they think they’re an actual service branch. If you ever go to College Station, Texas, it should only be to get directions on how to get away from College Station, Texas.

11 Drake vs. 6 Missouri – Drake is a very popular upset pick, but the Drake brand has been so ruined by the rapper, I think Kendrick Lamar is now dean of the university. I can’t pick Drake to win. But then there’s a reason Missouri sounds so much like misery. Their biggest city is named after a neighboring state, and their biggest landmark is a parabola. In short, the winner of this game is still a loser.

10 Utah State vs. 7 UCLA – Finally we get a good team. And UCLA. Just kidding! This should be a pretty good game, but I expect the Bruins and their little redass coach to wear down the Aggies. Did you know UCLA has won more men’s basketball championships than any other school? And that the last title was 30 years ago? Gonna go watch the Tyus Edney play a few more times.

15 Omaha vs. 2 St. John’s – So Rick Pitino came (quickly) out of retirement and led the Red Storm to a huge season. And Omaha has a college! This game should be a runaway, which are plentiful in the city of New York. You can own one for like $25 and a couple Xanax. Huh, this got dark. Well, when you leave Omaha for the Big City, this is what you get. Let that be a lesson to all you sexy runaways.

12 UC San Diego vs. 5 Michigan – Here’s a 5-12 upset that’s totally gonna happen. The jerkass Tritons beat my beloved Anteaters to win the Big West conference title and qualify for their first-ever tourney berth. Despite that, I’ll root for them to beat up the Wolverines and ruin people’s bracket. Then again, if you picked Michigan to go a long way, you’re already ruined. As a person.

14 UNC Wilmington vs. 3 Texas Tech – The Red Raiders should beat the Seahawks (Raiders being the favorites lets you know this ain’t football). This is a good team who could make noise provided that one guy is healthy enough to play. You know, the guy with the shoes. Anyway, people love that guy. Um, does Delaware know that Wilmington moved to North Carolina?

FRIDAY GAMES

9 Baylor vs. 8 Mississippi St. – This is a true tossup. I mean, the game is, but also, if you’re 18 and considering college options, which place would be worse? Four years in Waco TX or four years in Starkville MS? Talk about a Sophie’s Choice. (For everyone from Tx or MS, that was a well-known book. Also, a “book” is a thing people “read” which…never mind.) Meryl Streep was in Sophie’s Choice and Out Of Africa. Probably other stuff. She’s busy. I guess…take Baylor?

15 Robert Morris vs. 2 Alabama – Robert Morris was a founding father who was known as the financier of the American Revolution. So that’s pretty cool. He died in ignominy after defaulting on his debts, but cut the guy a break; you could argue that there’s no USA without him. The university, located in Pennsylvania, will get destroyed by Alabama, who was named for a country band. “Elvira” was a good song, but unfortunately it was by The Oak Ridge Boys, so this is no help here.

14 Lipscomb vs. 3 Iowa St. – Iowa St. should win this game handily, so let’s talk about Lipscomb. It’s pronounced “Lip Scum” and that makes me happy. It’s a Christian college in Nashville, which makes it one of only a million such schools in the South. Their team is the Bisons, and the thought of a huge herd of bison running amok in Nashville makes me almost as happy as Lip Scum. By the way, Iowa State’s teams are the Cyclones because they get tornados there. Maybe Lip Scum ain’t so bad.

12 Colorado St. vs. 5 Memphis – Another wacky 5-12 game, and another potential upset. Kinda like the Rams to win this one. Memphis is coached by former NBA player Penny Hardaway, who was big in the 1990’s, along with Nirvana, Bill Clinton, and people getting killed by O.J. Simpson. And don’t forget about Pogs! Does Marc Cohn get residuals whenever the Tigers are called for traveling? If you get that joke, punch yourself in the face. Nerd.

16 American or Mt. St. Mary’s vs. 1 Duke – Obviously, Duke will win this game against (waves distractedly at play-in game) whoever, but the real story is that their best player has an ankle owie. As annoying as overhyped Duke white guys are, Cooper Flagg is legitimately good, and Duke’s chances depend on his health. Here’s where I would normally make a snarky comment about how everyone hates Duke. Um, everyone hates Duke.

10 Vanderbilt vs. 7 St. Mary’s – Last paragraph had Mount St. Mary’s, but this is just St. Mary’s. Without the Mount, I guess everything’s still immaculate. (anyone else smell brimstone?) This St. Mary’s team is tough and should win at least this game. Plus Vanderbilt’s a little too close to Anderson Cooper. But his mom’s jeans fit me like a sexy glove.

11 San Diego St. or North Carolina vs. 6 Mississippi – Let’s take Mississippi to win, and hopefully they’ll play San Diego State. Mississippi is home of the Rebels, and they’re trying to win the Civil War rematch. They’ve got a bit of momentum right now. Like Mississippi, this is depressing. Let’s move on.

13 Grand Canyon vs. 4 Maryland – I’ve been to the Grand Canyon twice, and I never noticed the university. Must be at the bottom somewhere. Sucks to have to ride mules to class every day, (If I’d wanted to spend four years riding mules, I woulda gone to Stanford.) Anyway, Maryland wins this game since it’s gonna take millions of years for Grand Canyon to be relevant. GEOLOGY JOKES ROCK!

16 Norfolk St. vs. 1 Florida – Good luck Norfolk St.; the mom from Good Times is gonna crush you. Florida is really good this year. At basketball. And that’s pretty much it. I worked with a guy once who played football at Florida. He said the cheerleaders would help recruit by being nice to the potential players. The girls were called Gator Getters. (Forrest Gump voice) And that’s all I have to say about that.

14 Troy vs. 3 Kentucky – At least one Trojans school made the tourney. (USC sucks and that’s why Troy is the only Trojans school. Because USC is just so so terrible.) Kentucky should win this game, but I don’t really see them going too far. Mainly because Kentuckians can’t read maps. Anyway, the point is USC is dogshit.

10 New Mexico vs. 7 Marquette – Green chilis against, um, some French guy? How long is New Mexico gonna be considered New? We had those guys for over 100 years now, I think the new state smell has worn off. Marquette should win this, but they’re not outstanding. I wouldn’t call them a Super Marquette team.

13 Akron vs. 4 Arizona – Arizona seems to be peaking at the right time, whereas in high school i was peeking at the wrong time (never cheat off the dumb kid’s test). Akron’s team nickname is the Zips, and it’s like, could you guys have tried even a little? What a horrible nickname. As punishment, Akron must stay in Ohio FOREVER. Geez, that’s harsh.

9 Oklahoma vs. 8 Connecticut – The UConn Huskies have won the last two championships, which has their alumni feeling good about themselves for once. It’s not gonna be three in a row, but they should at least win this game. Oklahoma’s not about basketball anyway. It’s about football and dusty earth where nothing grows and all your people moving to Californy to pick fruit off our bountiful trees, but then an old guy ends up getting breast-fed by a young woman. Yeah, reading The Grapes of Wrath was totally uplifting when I was 16.

11 Texas or Xavier vs. 6 Illinois – The Fighting Illini (again with the stupid nicknames) should win this game but don’t bother watching it. The one player’s gonna poop himself right on the court just before halftime, and you really don’t wanna see that. I can’t believe they don’t cut away. I mean, they cut away his shorts, but the network audience sees the whole thing. It’s will become a national holiday in Germany. One shitting moment.

15 Bryant vs. 2 Michigan St. – I don’t know whether Bryant was named for Anita Bryant, but she died recently and humanity is better off. Michigan St. wins the game but I don’t see them in the Final Four or anything. Riddle me this, Lakers fans…Magic went to Michigan State, but Kobe didn’t go to Bryant? That’s a noodle-scratcher. Chick Hearn was the best.

12 Liberty vs. 5 Oregon – One last 5-12 game, and I gotta root for Oregon here, because Liberty has Jerry Falwell’s stink all over it. Plus, Oregon is funny because it could mean other things. Like that musical instrument. “Gonna go play with my organ now” is great because you’re gonna make music but it’s the name of a state. I don’t know what else it could mean.

SECOND ROUND

Look, this has been a lot, so I’ll just skip to the end. The champ will be Auburn or Houston or Florida or Tennessee or Texas Tech. Gamble accordingly and tip your waitress.