Monday Morning Mock Draft: That’s Not My Name, But It May As Well Be

Guten tag, drones.

First of all, big ups to Internet Dad, who came back with the milk long enough to get the DFO Hamster back on the wheel, before once again leaving to get cigarettes.  Or something.  Someday the Rams will go back to St. Louis and Internet Dad will get his cigarettes delivered, like a 21st Century man should.

This week, inspired by a conversation during one of the open posts over the last couple of weeks, we’re drafting sports nicknames.  If the individual plays or participates in sports, and they have a nickname, you can draft it.  The only qualification is it has to be widely recognized, not something relatively unique to you.  For instance, Aroldis Chapman’s widely recognized, (and kind of awesome), nickname is ‘The Cuban Missile’ and not, as you might think if you were at my house during any post-season when he was pitching for the Yankees ‘OhChristNotThisAssholeAgain.’

So I’m trying to remember who brought this topic up, but it revolved around the catcher for the Seattle Mariners, Cal Raleigh, and his nickname ‘The Big Dumper,’ in part likely due to his habit if dumping a lot of balls in the seats, and in part due to his ample behind.  Maybe it was Mr. Ayo.  Anyway, that’s the first pick.

The second pick comes from Rikki Tikke Deadly, who followed that up with the Cleveland Guardian’s Jjohnkensy Noel’s ‘Big Xmas’ nickname, which is very cool.  He’s the second pick.

With the third pick I will take one of the all-time great baseball players, Lou Gehrig, a/k/a The Iron Horse.  Fuck ALS.

The rest of you are on the clock.

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Fronkenshteen

Attilio “The Bald Eagle” Lombardo

Last edited 8 months ago by Fronkenshteen
Fronkenshteen

Jesus! Too big. Sorry about that

Fronkenshteen

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scotchnaut

Larry “Big Bird” Robinson finished his career with a plus/minus of +722. Bobby Orr is 2nd with 528.

larry
Jimbo

I see

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Jimbo

Fernando Valenzuela. El Toro/ The Bull. NL Rookie of the year and Cy Young winner in 1981.

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Gumbygirl

Nature Boy

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BugEyedBoo

I use “One Man Gang” to describe myself at work.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

5. Charles “Peanut” Tillman. One of the few nicknames that they also named a technique after.

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Fronkenshteen

Charles Barkley, “The Round Mound of Rebound”
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

George “Iceman” Gervin

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Last edited 8 months ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
scotchnaut

That shot still befuddles me-he’s drifting sideways and backwards so the spin he puts on the ball as he lets it go doesn’t make any sense. It should have spun the other way when you look at his release.

yeah right

John “The Beast” Mugabi.

yeah right

Hagler knocked the literal snot out of him.

Brocky

Michael Jordan, too many nicknames to list

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Brocky

But the well known ones:

Air Jordan
His Airness
The Goat

scotchnaut

“Asshat” strangely missing…

Brocky

I doubt anyone on screen ever called him that

Gumbygirl

Joltin’ Joe

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Fronkenshteen

Daryl “Chocolate Thunder” Dawkins
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scotchnaut

This Syracuse fella ended his career as the Big East’s all-time career scorer despite never leading the league in points any one year. (“That’s unpossible!”) He had a very smooth playing style, never got flustered so of course he was called so he was Lawrence “Poetry in Moten”.

law
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

4. If I must…Tyrann “Honey Badger” Mathieu.

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Brocky

Didn’t Ali have a bunch of nicknames, and that’s who Apollo was based on

DJ TAJ

What no “Great One”?

What might be the coolest nickname ever.
UFC fighter Michelle Waterson also known as “The Karate Hottie”

Karate
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ll never understand why a beautiful woman would volunteer to get her face punched.

Look how they massacred my girl:

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Jimbo

Replace he with she.

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Jimbo

My favorite Laker, The Captain Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

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Last edited 8 months ago by Jimbo
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Captain? I thought he was First Officer.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[hears Horatio say the word “drag”, sighs, gets out his housedress] – Lowratio

SonOfSpam

Woulda been Captain if he hadn’t eaten the fish

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

3. Dave “The Ghost” Casper

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Last edited 8 months ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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yeah right

Ghost to the post.

Brocky

They weren’t kidding when they said the raiders of the 70s had great nicknames

DJ TAJ

Known weed aficionado and strange ranger and let’s not forget personal hero
Bill “Spaceman” Lee

Space
yeah right

Similar to Magic, DR. J is all you have to say.

SonOfSpam

This is a new one that I really enjoy.

Jhostynxon Garcia is “The Password”

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Jimbo

How the hell is that pronounced?

scotchnaut

Jennifer Tilley the poker player is known as “The Unabombshell”.

jen
BugEyedBoo

I guess, “Not staring at boobs,” is a good skill to have, especially if you’re a professional poker player. “Let’s see, odds are BOOBS! No wait, 3/52 minus BOOBS! Shit, might as well go All In.”

Brocky

My second Pick: Nacho

I don’t care if it was only used on a handful of sites, that’s his nickname damn it!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Swear it with your hand on a tortilla!”

Jimbo

I don’t like it cus it’s lazy. He doesn’t even speak Spanish.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s from the old KSK days – it’s what Coach Ryan used to call Sanchez.

Gumbygirl

I thought his nickname was Buttfumble?

Don T

I rooted for these fellas
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Redshirt

Nasty Boys for those who use CTRL+F or my Draft Board.

BugEyedBoo

Saw the Nasty Boys, all three of them, blow a five-run lead to the Phillies. Especially nasty that day.

I also remember Rob Dibble beaning a fan in the green seats in dead center field, when he threw a ball in frustration after blowing a save.

Sharkbait

Ray Ferraro, aka Chicken Parm

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DJ TAJ

Jeanette Lee pool hustler also know as “The Black Widow”

Widow
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Huge value

Redshirt

Lou Gehrig, a/k/a The Iron Horse. Fuck ALS.” Seconded.

My first pick is Joe “Joey Franchise” Burrow, because its painfully obvious he’s the whole franchise.

Jimbo
yeah right

Earl Monroe. Black Jesus.

Brocky

The Mad Stork Ted Hendricks

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

AKA “Kick ‘Em in the Head Ted”

BugEyedBoo

“Marvelous” Marv Throneberry. 0.2 career WAR.

DJ TAJ

Sorry, “Shoeless” Joe Jackson

Senor Weaselo

We’ve gone this whole time without:
https://youtu.be/dgEdMldQLT0

Last edited 8 months ago by Senor Weaselo
DJ TAJ

Was he a “Hall of Famer”?

Joe
Sharkbait

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Redshirt

(raises fist to the Heavens!)

Horatiooooooooooooooooooo!!!

scotchnaut

it was a simpler time back then. I give you Lester “The Molester” Hayes.

les
Doktor Zymm

Where do Hippospeak nicknames fall? They’re between widely known and individual.

Anyway, I’ll take “Yogi” Berra

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Jimbo

Oscar “The Big O” Robertson. Also something Melania hasn’t experienced in a long time.

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Doktor Zymm

I’m sure she has a pool boy

Don T

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Those 70’s Raiders team are a gold mine for nicknames, honestly.

yeah right

Arthur “Two Sheds” Jackson.

blaxabbath

Doug Martin hated his nickname.

The Muscle Hampster

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. “Magic” Johnson. Perfect description of his wizardry on the court, plus it blends so seamlessly with his real name that you rarely even think of it as a nickname – it’s just his name.

Senor Weaselo

Possible reach due to obscurity, but definite first round value for Joe Schultz. Why?

Because his nickname was “Ol’ Shitfuck.”

Sharkbait

“Am I dead to you?”
-P. Verbeek

Sharkbait

I had no idea Ferraro was called the Big Ball of Hate. I thought he was always Chicken Parm. Wait a second….

scotchnaut

Jack Dempsey was called “The Manassa Mauler”. That’s quality alliteration!

jack
BugEyedBoo

Big Hurt, meet Big Unit.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“These days I’d be content with even just a regular-sized unit.” – Deanna Favre

Brick Meathook
Jimbo

Did we ever find out who “he” was and why?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Let’s keep it in the Midwest, Dick “Night Train” Lane

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BugEyedBoo

+1 pinking shears.

Jimbo

I’ll take White Sox great and Nugenix spokesperson Frank Thomas aka the Big Hurt.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I like accurate nicknames so I’ll start with Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown

Jimbo

I thought he was just a Simpsons bit.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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BugEyedBoo

Didn’t exert a lot of effort coming up with that nickname, for sure.

blaxabbath

I think non-intimidating nicknames are the most intimidating nicknames.

Walter ‘Sweetness’ Payton

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