Props to Chris Wesseling: Sunday Pre-Preseason Etc. Etc.

Hey hey. It’s been tense around here lately. My computer’s Backspace and Enter keys stopped working, completely unresponsive to my gentle touch, pleading taps, and shouting at them “I shit on your mother and your whole family of control keys!” in español. But overall it’s been a mostly hinged summer, mostly.

Three things have kept my sanity. First, the Delete key, whom I just appointed Vice President of Compliance. Second, the numeric side keypad

Can confirm: pinky Enters are classy & fun. Now I want more vertical keys. The third is doing necessary, productive non-work crap—chores, exercising, long drives and other activities that require effort and would otherwise be intolerable if not for podcasts. I’m still a fan of podcasts, big time. Especially if I could just listen to it, not watch it on You Tube SUBSCRIBE NOW.

In 2013, a psychiatrist told me that, during long work commutes, I should stop listening to news, AM radio, and other purveyors of We’re in Hell programming. (How naive in retrospect is the 2013 version of We in Hell amirite?) Listen to podcasts about your interests instead, the doctor instructed, and then showed me where I could search and download. Well, the podcast advice worked, unlike the Klonopin.

The first podcast I subscribed to was NFL Media’s Around the League (later named “Around the NFL”). Around the NFL ended last year, in the middle of the 2024 offseason. And Chris Wesseling had died in 2021, so this might seem even less topical. I don’t think so; Chris Wesseling is still current. Keep in mind though that I am old, and therefore mushy brained. Although right now, mood:

Originally, Around the NFL was Chris Wesseling, Gregg Rosenthal, Marc Sessler and Dan Hanzus: very different personalities, but each brought insightful fitbaw stuff and were compelling in their individual way. They called themselves Heroes, very tongue-in-cheek, and all are still very compelling. Just not together anymore.

ATN had NFL news, segments, bits… A fave bit: during legal tampering season, the Heroes impersonated GMs calling other GMs to shoot the shit and propose trades. There were voice impersonations, a highlight being Hanzus doing Indy’s Chris Ballard, and breaking the ice with a question: “What’s your favorite kind of frog?” The most serious Hero of the four was Chris Wesseling, by which I mean: Chris was not serious. He only was never as goofy as the other three–on the show, at least. By all accounts, Wess was a lot of fun, threw legendary parties (including Wesselmania), and was very engaging on Twitter. Wess also blocked mercilessly on TW and suffered no fools, not even his NFL bosses.

A recurring story was about Wess being required to wear a lanyard when in certain areas of the NFL Media Death Star, and Wess fuming over its ridiculousness and being hardheaded about it. I don’t remember if such crisis brought lanyard solidarity from the other three Heroes, but my guess would be yes. Those four fellas stuck with each other always.

I think it was around 2018 when Wess was diagnosed with cancer. He continued to do the show while under treatment, sometimes absent for a couple of weeks. Some time later, maybe a year,  Chris announced that his doctors certified he was cancer free. Later, he got married and had a baby. Chris Wesseling died of esophageal in 2021, two days before the Chiefs – Bucs Owl.

Wesseling invented “The Dalton Line”, what he called the Prime Meridian of quarterbacks. If a team has a QB that’s better than an in-his-“prime” Andy Dalton, that team has a franchise QB. If the QB is worse than Platonic Dalton, then that team still doesn’t have The Guy. It’s also been called “The Dalton Line”,* and I think it’s as fun as mental exercises get. You can argue about which QB is the separating line, which is the main argument. But there are interesting side quests, like considering how many teams, right now, have a worthy franchise QB–someone around whom to build a team for the next three years, at least. By instinct, I would guess there are around nine franchise QBs right now in the NFL, so the Dalton line would be the 10th best QB.

* Dalton Scale / Dalton Line is a lore controversy as heated as the one here about the spelling of our pantheon’s Shank’Lor / Shan’klor (emphasis supplied for heathens).

Chris Wesseling described himself as a regular guy from Cincinatti. I don’t think anybody would dispute that, nor that Wess was a researcher who went deep and was a vocal advocate for critical thinking. A Bengals fan since berth, in the 90s Chris quit on the team after compiling a dossier of Mike Brown mismanagement and crimes against fans. His reasoning was irrefutable: why suffer for a thoroughly incompetent franchise intent on inflicting misery onto fans?

Wesseling had no vendetta against the Bengals, and was a detailed and cold-headed analyst, until accused of being wrong. I heard him go ballistic about the Patriots being hypocritical bozos after signing WR Antonio Brown after his RAAAAIIII DUUUURRRS debacle and bridge-torching. Wess liked the Patriots; “I’m a fan of good football. And the Patriots play good football” Chris said several occasions. But the AB signing, for Wess, seemed like a matter of principles. I disagreed (principles? 🤭 New England? 😂 ), but it’s the sort of consideration that needs to be in public. If no one ever discussed and therefore nobody cared about principles, what do you think society–wait.

Right now? This right now is what happens? Ok fine.

However serious Wess was about football, he was also very grounded on this being entertainment: a big industry certainly, but trivial  compared to real world events. Pro football is stuff to be analyzed, celebrated and enjoyed. Like the annual first round Saturday Wild Card game in which the Bengals always lost, known to podcast fans as Wesstivus. Guy kept it real and was a hell of a writer: lively, sourced,  cultured… His post about the Bum Phillips Oilers is dynamite. Here’s how it starts:

British novelist Louis de Bernières once described the untamed force of love as a “temporary madness,” erupting like a volcano before subsiding.

What is it about an iconic professional sports team that leaves an enraptured fan base susceptible to that feverish feeling, independent of free will and swept up in the rising tide of excitement and possibility?

The late-1970s “Luv ya Blue” Houston Oilers provide context, the relationship with their fans serving as professional football’s definitive example of a torrid love affair between a city and a team.

The podcast also had a contest called “Win Wess’ Toaster”. Wesseling got a hold of a discontinued toaster that had removable plates with all 32 NFL team logos. It did this, with more variety and waaay less depression:

“Win Wess’ Toaster” was a NFL quiz show. Wess always won. Like Alexander The Great, Wess grew uninterested and melancholy when there was nothing left to conquer (which I’m pretty sure is an exact quote from the show back then). Ultimately, Chris lost the toaster, which for me felt like Buster Douglas and Mike Tyson all over again.

NFL NEWS

-Browns rookie RB Quinshon Judkins was arrested yesterday on domestic violence charges. Cleveland was yet to sign Judkins, selected #36 last April.

-Related, without social evils: 30 of the 32 rookie second-round picks remain unsigned. Per Microsoft Pilot’s increasingly familiar intrusions, LB Carson Schwesinger (CLE) and WR Jayden Higgins (HOU) are the only signed second rounders, on fully guaranteed contracts. THIS 30 UNSIGNED 2ND ROUNDERS STORY I CALL IT ZZ TOP BECAUSE IT HAS LEGS

-Ndamukong Suh retired (“He hadn’t?” –Everybody), officially yesterday. I remember Suh as mean player on the Lions, dirty or borderline dirty, who ended his career as a hired gun. Suh, and Antonio Brown BTW, got a ring with the 2020 Bucs. But enough with the character manslaughter.

SPROTS TOMITE

Oh Dios

Not even beisbol. An all fútbol evening tonite (source and odds here).

WOMENS AMERICAN EUROS

Yes yes yes. It’s the Copa América Femenina, played by the 10 CONMEBOLs in Ecuador. It started last Friday. Tonight:

Brazil v. Venezuela – 7:00

Other alternatives, home team first #obvio

Argentina

It’s the start of the 2025 Clausura, the tournament that closes the 2025 season for the 30-team barrel of scorpions that’s the Argie top flight. Hate, covered.

River Plate v. Platense – 7:00

Brazil

Cruzeiro v. Grệmio – 6:30

Fotaleza v. Ceará – 6:30

MLS

St. Louis CITY [sic] v. Portland Timbers – 6:00

Secsi Mexi

Pachuca v. Monterrey – 6:00

Monterrey Rayados had a fine run in the Mundialito. Love, given.

León v. Atlético de San Luis – 8:00

FINALLY,

 Around the NFL, those four guys (Chris Wesseling, Gregg Rosenthal, Marc Sessler and Dan Hanzus), were, for my taste, thee Holy Grail for podcasts: four friends, actual friends, who were making a show for fans, not a gabfest to amuse themselves. They ragged on each other plenty, sure, because 🚧🚨OBVIOUS CRAP ALERT 🚨🚧 there are no joys as satisfying as getting a bud riled up through a very personal jab.

ATN continued for three years after Wess died, and NFL Media named their studio as the Chris Wesseling Podcast Studio. Wess was certainly a presence in the shows. The podcast grew in popularity and became an actual asset of NFL Media. But the show ended suddenly, without any announcements, in the 2024 offseason. There was no goodbye show. What I’ve heard and read is that the NFL offered Gregg Rosenthal a contract, did not to Dan Hanzus. And Mark Sessler stuck with Hanzus and both went to Underdog. All came out well, I think.

Gregg Rosenthal now hosts NFL Daily, which he does with folks from NFL Network and guests he invites from all over. Gregg’s great: very smart, enthusiastic, and he frequently invites interesting podcasters whom I’d never know about otherwise. It’s a different show from ATN, I guess more professional, but keeping it cheeky and informal with folks who seem to know their stuff. Incidentally, Gregg was the one who recruited Wess to NFL Media. I think both met posting in Roto World back in the day, and Wess was living in Tybee Island in Georgia.

Dan Hanzus and Marc Sessler ended up doing the Heed The Call Podcast, which also features the last producer of ATN (Justin Graver). The title is Wess’ mantra, and the show is the closest to the ATN Podcast as it was before being disbanded. It even uses many audios from the former show and segments, a continuation of the old show in some respects. But it’s definitely its own thing, and is great. I hear it about twice as often than NFL Daily, but can’t say which show I like more.

It’s amazing how Chris Wesseling is still present on two different shows coming from opposite directions. Rosenthal’s show is through the House Organ, recorded on the posthumously-named studio; Hanzus and Sessler’s is freewheeling, fuck your lanyard. Wess was a tough one to peg for only one thing. I like that he is so valued, as an analyst and friend, that two different NFL shows honor him overtly.

I love this Wess story. Back when Odell Beckham Jr. was a couple of years into his career, he was seemingly considered, by most of the NFL Media newsroom, as an overhyped player, a diva with not much talent. Wesseling thought that OBJ, sure, was a preening schmo (his phrase), but had Michael Jordan-type, freakish natural talent. Wess was ridiculed about it, but he stuck to his guns and became the sole holdout on the prevailing narrative.

The newsroom was showing Giants v. Cowboys, and was crowded with everyone watching, including Wess. According to his showmates (Wess very rarely talked about himself, even during his cancer treatment), the one-handed catch happened. Everyone in the newsroom watching went all OH MY GAAA DIDJA SEE THAT. Wess got up, stared down several gawking naysayers, then turned around and walked away without saying anything.