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#Hardland Blues: Tuesday Open Thread

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

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America is a culture of Bigness.

Perhaps it is a holdover from the incredible expanse of stolen unclaimed land that greeted European-extraction settlers so long ago. Maybe it’s the vast natural resources we ripped from the still-beating heart of the land and water found there.

Maybe we’re overcompensating for perceived shortcomings in…other areas. I mean, c’mon- our nation’s dong is a syphillis-ridden hellhole that just dangles flaccidly into the Atlantic.

Regardless, I’m not certain there has been a culture since the 4th Dynasty in Egypt that could have conceived of the Spruce Goose, the Super Big Gulp, or monster trucks, let alone made them cultural touchstones.

If you listen closely, you can hear the voice of Pharaoh Snefru saying “Sunday! Sunday!! SUNDAY!!!”

Jimmy Haslam knows this. Jimmy Haslam built his fortune on making truckstops into townships. Well, actually he built his fortune on his Daddy’s fortune and massive fraud. BUT THAT’S AMERICA TOO!

So when his shittyass parody of his football team found itself halfway through training camp with four goddawful quarterbacks, his reaction was quintessentially American: MORE!

John Madden (allegedly) said “If you have two quarterbacks, you actually have none.” Upon being told this, Haslam said “Okay, but what if you have FIVE quarterbacks?”

So now the Browns have re-signed Tyler “Snoop” Huntley. They still have all the other guys: Flacco, Pickett, Sanders, Gabriel, Dopey, Sneezy,

Don’t forget Gropey!

You may recall Huntley as the worst Pro Bowl selection in history and a living symbol of the Dolphins’ desperation last year after Tua liquified his brain (again).

GM Andrew Berry has assembled a Voltron of Suck, and I am Here For It.

-Vikings wideout Jordan Addison has been suspended for 3 games after pleading guilty to “wet reckless driving on a highway”- which is a tremendous way to say “pled down a DUI”. Given the inevitability of a suspension, this is probably a best-case scenario for the Vikings- he will miss the softest three-game stretch of the schedule (Bears, Falcons, Bengals) and come back once JJ McFuckface actually needs a legitimate WR2.

RANDOM RANKINGS: Oreo Varieties

  1. Double Stuf Oreo
  2. Oreo (a.k.a. “normal”, “single” or “missionary”)
  3. Peanut Butter Oreo
  4. Those little tiny oreos
  5. White Chocolate Covered Oreo
  6. Dark Chocolate Creme Oreo
  7. Fudge Covered Oreo
  8. Pretzel Oreo
  9. Birthday Cake Oreo
  10. Most Stuf
  11. “Golden” and similar not-chocolate Oreos
  12. Oreo Thins
5 5 votes
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blaxabbath

We’re out of here tomorrow. I put off sending Litre’s drank until the last day just to find out USPS doesnt ship booze. So he’ll be getting a boring AZ return zip on his package (someday).

Not being easily accessible from the other states is the greatest thing about this place. Americans are the worst.

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Horatio Cornblower

But they do ship “household goods” for future reference.

2
litre_cola

Grapeseed oil is my go to on custom claims!

2
scotchnaut

I’ve heard some bad things about Americans lately.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Am back home from another dreaded day of goin’ places and doin’ stuff. We saw Joel Embiid at hotel in Santa Monica and then watched My Neighbor Tortoro. Catbus is cute!

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blaxabbath

No wonder everyone wants to be in LA!

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WCS

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A calm, slow night would be much appreciated.

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Doktor Zymm

Aw, kitty and bunny lurv each other

3
Col. Duke LaCross

I apologize for not being login ined much as late. Did the link get sent out for the Freezer Vodka league?

2
Doktor Zymm

I don’t think we have a draft date yet

2
Gumbygirl

Not that I’ve seen. I get notices every few days about joining the league, if I haven’t already. I went in and changed my team name and picture a month ago, at least.

1
Col. Duke LaCross

I’m newly promoted from Lowratio, so I wasn’t sure what to do.

1
litre_cola

Gametimedecision is the commish

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Col. Duke LaCross

Of course, so were you.

1
Gumbygirl

Have you been getting the message from Yahoo to join if you haven’t already? I joined, because it was a new league. That’s when I changed my team name, and I can see the first week’s matchups. I’m playing Spam.

Last edited 8 months ago by Gumbygirl
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Mr. Ayo

Nope. You haven’t missed anything yet.

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2Pack

Entertaining as usual Rev thank you for your work here Sir. And speaking of bigness…

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ballsofsteelandfury

Good God!!

1
Doktor Zymm

I like that she has real people tan lines

2
2Pack

Always a helpful clue in today’s AI cluttered view…

2
Doktor Zymm

Do deep fried oreos count as a variety even though it’s a third party that does the frying?

In other news, I am so goddamn tired of the whole trans people in women’s athletics debate. It ignores how fucked up women’s sports has been since the beginning, in almost every sport the only reason there isn’t coed competition is for historical reasons, because men didn’t want women competing at all and were willing to accept letting them compete in their own competition to get them further away. Then they regulated the shit out of the women’s competitions, and implemented all sorts of fucked up gender testing. They’ve had underwear parades, genetic testing, hormone testing, and all sorts of other invasive testing that arbitrarily excludes people with various health conditions or forces them to take hormones or other medications that negatively impact their health. The men don’t have to do any of this shit, just doping tests. Even the women who pass all the tests might still get shit like Imane Khelif.

And now they want to add more of this crap, for kids too, when there aren’t all that many performance differences at the lower levels anyway and the differences that do exist are more likely the result of lower investment in women’s sports at a younger age anyway. For what? There are MAYBE a few hundred school-age kids who are transitioning and want to compete in school sports, and less than a dozen of those make it to championships. So we’re subjecting all women athletes to even MORE enhanced scrutiny and inspection, as well as influencing people’s votes just to be assholes to a handful of children.

Check out the history of track and field for a great example of everything I mentioned.

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Mr. Ayo

I’ve never had a deep fried oreo. They must be incredible. Unfortunately, in my advanced age I must resist the urge to seek them out.

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Doktor Zymm

They’re not as good as they sound unfortunately. Or maybe fortunately since you aren’t missing much and can enjoy the thought

0
2Pack

Probably better grilled.

2
Gatoraids

even more gender checking even beyond sports now with women in bathrooms at walmart where some poor masculine looking woman got gender checked and fired over protesting it.

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Doktor Zymm

I heard about that. If I’m ever in a toilet and some dudes bust in to harass someone for being tall or whatever I’m gonna go apeshit on them

2
blaxabbath

I’d shoot to kill and say he was trying to rape.

4
Doktor Zymm

Stand your ground laws don’t actually apply to women unfortunately, not that I’m ever in states with those laws anyway, but I would figure out something

0
blaxabbath

Yep.

Now that white men, with generations of systematic advantages built into their birthright, are recognizing that ANOTHER group they cannot keep up with is non-repressed women, you better believe it is time to Make America Great Again.

Maybe sports should be played without fans. That would be true purity AND eliminate the CUSTOMER IS ALWAY RIGHT AND I NEVER TURN OFF THE TEE-VEE influence of these fat, limp-dicked, broke-ass losers who, at the end of the day, will never be the Man in the Arena.

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Doktor Zymm

Some sports the point is the spectacle and they’re up front about it, but yeah, the ones that bang on about ‘purity’ are pretty damn insufferable. Outside of chemistry, it’s good practice to be suspicious of anyone talking about purity

1
Gumbygirl

Non- repressed? Certainly not as repressed as a woman of color, but absolutely not treated equally, no matter how lily white her skin is.

Last edited 8 months ago by Gumbygirl
1
SonOfSpam

BUT WHITE WOMEN STILL VOTED FOR TRUMP

I MEAN

0
Gumbygirl

Not this one. Or Zymm. Or my sister, sisters in law, nieces,, or any white woman I associate with.

Don’t pay any attention to me, I’m grouchy as fuck today! You guys are not the problem, I shouldn’t take my rage out on any of you.

2
BeefReeferLives

Whelp, Rog has brought down the banhammer on smelling salts, so I guess Kittle & the boys are just going to have to go back to huffing poppers. ether & gold spray paint.

https://www.sfgate.com/49ers/article/49ers-george-kittle-considered-retirement-nfl-rule-20803840.php

1
SonOfSpam

What about the new Selena Gomez Oreos? Don’t know anything about em, but I assume they look young and fresh even though they’ve already been toungued by several Disney Channel producers and a couple Diddy associates.

4
Unsurprised

Don’t forget that it kisses your ass just long enough to steal a kidney.

0
WCS

Lil’ and Lil’er WCS say they’re fine. I tend to agree; they’re fine.

1
Gumbygirl

I think the creme part has cinnamon in it?

0
WCS

Very vaguely. If it weren’t on the packaging, one may not notice at all.

1
Gatoraids

Disrespecting the Oreo BIG Stuff

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-O-9KLHalrA

1
BeefReeferLives

Hope Jean Knight got a little something out of that…

0
WCS

Oreos Blizzard (or whatever equivalent on hand)

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Unsurprised

The last bookmark I added … to Favorites:

https://pdxfoodweeks.com/burger/2025

0
WCS

Every one has some sort of Satan’s jizz sauce mixture on it.

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0
litre_cola

There is a vacancy in Ligue 2 FF. Come to the slums of DFO fantasy football!

/relegated by my own rules

5
LemonJello

We also need an alternate commish, ’cause I got a good feeling about this season.

Narrator’s voice: he will still be the commish next season

1
litre_cola

God dammit. I will do it. I am like Medvedev in Russia, just want a taste of power. Plus, I started this shit when TWBS had to go die on us.

2
Unsurprised

Alternate Commish

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5
Jimbo

How can one join said league? Asking for a friend.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

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Jimbo

It didn’t work.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Wait until you see what the autodraft does to you!

4
Jimbo

When I clicked the link I found out that I’m now a senior.

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Doktor Zymm

Congrats! When’s senior skip week?

4
Gumbygirl

Welcome! I’m going to be 65 next month, there’s no denying the senior citizen shit now. I’m on the downhill slide, wheeeee!

0
litre_cola

The Browns qb breakdown has me in stitches.

6
ballsofsteelandfury

Which one is “Anal Oreo”?

3, 6, or 7?

3
BeefReeferLives

Well, half of the first one, of course…

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Last edited 8 months ago by BeefReeferLives
4
LemonJello

I like the Lemon creme Oreos and the Mint creme Oreos. Not together. Jebus wept, that would be a war crime.

5
Unsurprised

Lemon and mint can work. In theory.

In theory, communism and fascism work.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

As RTD pointed out, Cleveland actually has SIX!

You forgot Watson.

2
LemonJello

He included a photo of Groper Cleveland

11
Unsurprised

How did I come to be the one contrarian dickhead on everything? Redshirt is a goddamn Ohio republican!

Anyway, I like Oreo thins. Not as much as chips ahoy thins, though. And in general the whimsical and seasonal flavors like tiramisu and birthday cake can fuck right the fuck off.

Last edited 8 months ago by Unsurprised
3
Unsurprised

Fuck me. I got to my therapist at 5:40 and the instant I sat down in the waiting room I realized today’s appointment is at 7.

4
ballsofsteelandfury

The Ghost of TWBS looks up from staring at a barista…

4
litre_cola

I house a package of Keeble elf cookies when I visit your country. Fudgee-Os or something like that

3
Unsurprised

I did that yesterday.

0
LemonJello

Hey.

So, you like Fantasy Football? No?

Do you at least tolerate Fantasy Football? Meh?

Then you need to join the Lowratio League!

There’s ONE spot left! It could be yours.

Do it.

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4
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

DOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT

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