With the new season in the horizon, we must prepare. Inhale though your nose for four seconds; hold it for seven seconds while asking yourself if you’re a fan of a shitty team; and exhale for eight seconds while ruminating on whether your team will stink the NFL experience by being trounced by the Ravens on a random Thursday Night. If you’re among those fans of crap teams, and you come to me for guidance, my apologies: the Tits don’t do TNF on ’25.
Pretext for Sgt. Santiago gif aside, Imma help, ok?
My method requires, preliminarily, defining the problem. For example, “My team is an overflowing wheelbarrow of Ls—what is wrong with me?” And now we can start to solve that problem while you’re vulnerable and therefore easier to manipulate.
First of all, it’s your team. Your. Team. Whether it’s out of country, hometown, family origins, legendary almost-lay, gambling windfall, puppy birthplace—whatever; it’s your team. Every human, in every culture, appreciates total loyalty, be it cloistered monks or women watching men holding purses in malls. Turning to sports: so you follow the Cowboys no matter what. Maybe expand your social circle to zealots of all kinds, to find peers in totally shitheaded devotions.
Second, hey: you don’t own the team, or are the GM, or a coach, or run the socials. So anything wrong with the team is not your fault. You just follow the concept: these outstanding players, despite fuckhead managing and not-lose coaching, will validate every moment I’ve spent poring over team news and shows, and press conference snippets and practice tiktoks stumbled upon—forever and eveL, amén. You gotta believe in something dammit.
NFL NEWS
-Minnesota Vikings WR Rondale Moore suffered a “heartbreaking” left knee injury on his first play of practice. Just after returning from rehabbing a “major” injury on the right knee last year. Minnesota. First play of practice. The other knee. The Vikings. It’s a known story, the kind that makes publishers go “Pass. Too unbelievably bad mojo.”
[Personally, I’m high on the Vikes for ‘25. Might have the best coaching staff of the 32s. Total Odd Couple vibes among coaches, with HC O’Connell being a congenial Oscar Madison to Brian Flores’ Terminator I.]
-RAMMITT’s Matthew Stafford may—nah, not yet news. Oh? Well then: here, quench your inquirin’ mind-ah.
-Lions S Morice Norris was taken off in a stretcher during the preseason game with the Falcons. Yesterday het texted on IG “I’m all good man don’t stress”, which is great as an update and double great as an exhortation.
-That video WCS posted yesterday: yes! Cam Little, the Jags K, nailed a 70-yard FG field goal, longest in National Football Lee history.
-Jags heat Part Too: against the Stillers, rookie Travis Hunter did a David Bowie and played both ways. That and other preseason midlights here.
-Sleeper handcuff RB Tyjae Spears will miss the rest of the preseason with a high ankle sprain. This is the kind of niche fantasy analysis you can only get from a fan of the Titans. Which is a NFL franchise, with a stadium and clueless ownership and everything.
-Speaking of clueless ownership, the RAAAAIIIIII DUUUUUURS are after my heart
This photo goes unbelievably hard pic.twitter.com/wzSLphI4hf
— Bussin' With The Boys (@BussinWTB) August 8, 2025
Renegades are most definitely adorable. From afar. Duh.
SPROTS TONITE
Tonight, good contests in which to bet a twenny or a soul. Not talking about anybody usually here, obviously. Only people with souls have to only login in once.
Per fiscal year. All times Central.
WNBA
Seattle @ los Angeles – 7:00
Connecticut @ Las Vegas – 8:00
GRANDES LIGAS
Ositos (Imanaga) @ Cardenales (Gray) – 6:00
TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL
Argentina
Argentinos Juniors v. Unión (Santa Fe)
Bolivia
Aurora v. Guabirá – 6:30
Brasil
Grệmio v. Sport – 6:30
Colombia
Llaneros v. Independiente Medellín – 7:30
Costa Rica
Alajuelense v. Herediano – 6:00
Ecuador
El Nacional v. Barcelona SC
Guatemala
Municipal v. Comunicaciones – 6:00
Marquense v. Copa Imperial – 8:00
Honduras
Olimpia v. Juticalpa – 6:15
Secsi Mexi
Pumas UNAM v. Necaxa – 7:00
Santos v. Guadalajara – 9:05
U.S.A.
Orlando City v. Inter Miami – 7:00
LA Galaxy v. Seattle Sounders – 9:00
Venezuela
Academia Puerto Cabello v. Universidad Central – 7:30
FINALLY,
so you wanna switch teams. I don’t think there is any law against it. And even if there were, heh heh. Have you seen the news? This is a most glorious time for lawlessness.
Enjoy yourself, don’t let anybody take the shine off your choices.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYDfwUJzYQg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNwigGCOIxk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etSbOs3aUqI
Tuesday! Don’t think this will be on the playlist though.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7fsHtkNU7w
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qetW6R9Jxs4
whats that stupid guy doing in there?
He’s in a room surrounded by gorgeous fitness models doing sexy dance moves. It’s difficult to support a characterization of him as “stupid”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oWyMakvQew
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaPNR-_Cfn0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GR3Liudev18
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M43wsiNBwmo
Found a funny:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Jz9WYxVQXZc&pp=0gcJCf8Ao7VqN5tD
Thanks for the laughs here Don T. Full disclosure… I have held her purse at the mall… Briefly! My name is on the line for those credit cards too ya know…
I, too, have held my wife’s purse for her. Every time she holds it out for me though, I shake my head and say “Nope, I couldn’t. Just doesn’t match my shoes” before then taking it.
I need a good, old-fashioned cry. It’s something I almost never do, but have noticed a bit of an uptick in the last few years. Getting soft at my old age, I suppose.
I just need to vent a lot of emotions. I think. I’m not of a fan of “feelings.”
Let it out, baby! I cried today when I realized it’s almost September, Gumby’s birthday is the 1st, and he’s never going to be 65. But I will be 25 days later. I’ve never been older than him before, it sucks.
You need a good old-fashioned cry? Okay.
When my dad was diagnosed with ALS, he realized he need a new song for Mom and him. Their song was “The Lady in Red”, they would play it, and dance in the kitchen and for four minutes and seventeen seconds they would be two young lovebirds. But with ALS, they couldn’t play it because Dad couldn’t dance with Mom anymore.
Until their last anniversary, when Mom was transferring Dad was on the Hoyer lift and Dad played the song, and even though Dad couldn’t stand anymore, he was still swinging on the lift and Mom and Dad danced one last time to “The Lady in Red”. And for four minutes and seventeen seconds, Dad wasn’t suffering from ALS and Mom wasn’t a caretaker and a widow-in-waiting. Thery were two young lovebirds. One last time.
If that doesn’t work, I’ll tell you about Dad’s fascination with the song “Heroes” by Hollywood Vampires near the end.
Goddammit, Redshirt.
That’s beautiful
much better tears than the last song I danced with my grandmother with Alzheimer’s at my cousins wedding Aww Skeet Skeet
Bend over, shawty
chill drink, nostalgic song, rocking chair on the porch
Sounds like you need to be taken out back and slapped around.
Get your fucking head on straight, dummy.
I will never stop rooting for the Cowboys when it comes to football. I started in the 70’s; jumping off now just seems wrong.
That said, I have no problem with a side piece, (IN FOOTBALL, MY DEAREST HEART’S DELIGHT MRS. HORATIO!!! I holler as she advances towards me with frying pan held high), and should the Buccaneers go back to the creamsicles I could be persuaded in that direction.
Also, and this may be heresy ’round these parts, I frankly just don’t care all that much about pro football anymore. It’s a game played by violent assholes coached by overbearing assholes and paid by greedy assholes. And pretty soon someone is getting killed on the field.
(Captain America 2-1 plot hole filled thanks to me and Tommy Boy)
She-Hulk: “Hey, Bruce, check this out! Ross is hulking out?!”
Hulk: “Yeah, he was blackmailed by some guy I knew from New York. Sam’s taking care of it. I thought we were watching cartoons.” (changes channel back to Looney Toons)
I know what all these words mean individually, but when you string ’em together like that it may as well be Finnish.
Tämä on parasta, mitä voin tehdä sillä, mitä helvettiä katson, kuvitteellinen internet-ystäväni.
Ah, that makes sense then.
And with that, Finnish baseball!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDrLcPxSBRk
No, Redshirt, no!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_SNmG1p_Bg
The first female umpire got her first start behind the plate today, and absolutely blew her first call, proving that women can call balls and strikes just as badly as the men do.
Robot umps can’t get here soon enough.
So what I’m taking away from this is that lady can blow just as well as a man.
Called a strike on a ball 3″ off the inside of the plate.
Angela Hernandez
I think it’s touching that her very first call was a tribute to the umpires that paved the way for her achievement, guys like Angel Hernandez and C.B. Bucknor.
Was Pete Carroll always that tiny or have the chemtrails withered him?
Regarding the 70-yarder, if I’m not mistaken it’s the longest in-game field goal not just in the NFL, but at any level of the sport.
Yeah, but it doesn’t count since it was a practice game.
Aren’t the NFL records usually better than the college or high school records? Although I do like the idea that there is a girls 8-12 yo flag football player who has had a 68 yard field goal this whole time and has only now been beaten
Generally, except that it looks like the high school record actually was 68 yards. Granted, that was off a tee, but it’s neat that Cam Little managed to beat even that.
How neat would it be if it was Cam Little’s HS record? (or a 12 girl who skipped a couple grades and also made the HS football team)
Okay, I decided to be the latest DFO Test Monkey and watch the latest Captain America. Its Amazingly Above Average, but not as bad as the Internet says it is.
At least it seems Marvel is starting to get its thumb out of its own ass and go back to Story Building, showing Step A and then Step B and so forth instead of Step ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ in one movie.
Counterpoint: it was terrible
BrettFavresColonscopy, you ignorant slut, I root for the Bengals so my definition of Amazingly Above Average is already suspect. Also Quantumania, Eternals and Marvels has broken the curve.
A metaphysical certitude too little too late, bah bye
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guAtdfCOi3g
Look, I’m not saying dragging every single person who either has or regularly appears on these political shows out and shooting them in the head is going to improve humanity’s chances of survival, but I am saying it couldn’t hurt to find out.
FBI HQ: “DFO again? Dammit, football can’t return soon enough!”
A heartbreaking injury should be to the heart.
/Damar Hamlin has entered the chat
/Damar Hamlin suddenly dropped from the chat
(Yup, I’m going to Hell)
Shit, I was going to make a joke about D.J. Hayden but hadn’t realized this had happened:
https://www.ktvu.com/news/former-oakland-raiders-dj-hayden-among-6-dead-in-houston-car-crash
Oof.
Damar Hamlin nods
“Hi!”
-Bronny James
I’m genuinely rooting for Bronny to have a passable NBA career. He seems like a decent enough kid and he’s actually making the most of his neportunnity.
Oh I got nothing against the kid, but he did survive a heart attack which is more than most guys his age can say
“I forgot I bought this” as BC dick brings a bottle of tequila out.
/took the day off tomorrow
thems thars fighting words at least by end of the nite
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKr5AZf1cVE
I will never be able to take Andy Dwyer’s Jurassic Parks seriously.
BC Dick Tequila sounds like a Buddy Cole special
Your livers must be hulking out by now!
They’re certainly turning green…
While I would have preferred Gino’s late-career heel turn happen as a Stiller, it occurring him while being on TEHHH RAAAAIIAADDAHHHSSSS adds up.
James Jett
Lance Frazier
Jerry Porter
Owen Schmitt
Karl Joseph (?!)
Bruce Irvin
Oakland/LA/Oakland/Vegas is a lowkey WVU alumni scrap bin.
For those unable to switch teams, like me, (Steelers are a birth defect) the obvious solution to your pain is to pick a side bitch. The Rams are my current one, but I have also had affaires with the Seahawks, Jaguars, and Falcons. I am a slutty, slutty fan!
Speaking of the Stillers, their preseason game against the Jags is about to be replayed on the NFL Network.
Yeah, I used to root for the Falcons on a casual basis for anything NFC-related. But then the bad thing happened.
You’re going to have to be more specific here.
He’s obviously referring to Eugene Robinson’s escapades the night before Superb Owl XXXIII. Right, Rikki?
It’s not like the Falcons have done anything else of note in their entire history.
I’m referring to when they came up short against the 49ers in the 2012 NFC championship game. I stopped paying much mind to them after that. Why, did something even worse happen? Eh, don’t tell me, I probably don’t want to know.
Two words: Michael Vick. Dog fighting. Ok, that’s four words, but you know what I mean.
I generally try to root for teams where I live, but that hasn’t really gone well for me
Mine were all places I lived. Season tickets for the Jags and Falcons, too poor for Seahawks tix, but we went to every game we could afford.
I do that for baseball. The only time it hasn’t happened is when I lived in San Diego. Not really sure why; just never got into them.
It’s those fugly uni’s.