Sunday Gravy with yeah right: Elevate Your Burgers and Dogs!

Good morning everyone.

I was messing around with the posting timeframe of these last 2 episodes of the season when I realized, holy fuck! Next weekend is Labor Day Weekend! You can use today’s menu suggestions next week for your gathering! It’s perfect.

If you’re hosting a Labor Day Weekend grilling session there’s a decent chance you’re gonna grill some burgers and/or dogs. Especially if you have kids coming over. I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to feed a bunch of ankle biters a goddamn steak. Hell I’m not sure the little shits deserve the enhancements I’m offering to you today. Little fuckers just don’t appreciate the finer things in life. Grill ’em a dog throw on some mustard and say “Here you go you little bastards.”

Boom. Labor Day for kids.

Sure basically anyone can make a burger or a dog but how would you go about elevating that shit to new heights?

Let’s start with an easy one.

Dogs first.

Acquire some.

“No” these are NOT hot and spicy but they are fucking delicious.

In my humble opinion Nathan’s is the only choice for store bought dogs and it’s not even a close second. Perfect snap, great balance of seasonings, grills up flawlessly. Accept no substitutes.

One of the ideas for increasing the length and girth elevating your hot dog game was to experiment and explore in an effort to find the best chili dog. Sure it’s a sacrifice but it’s one I’m willing to make. 

There are tons of “Best of” or Reddit threads on who makes the best over-the-counter hot dog chili and after very few minutes of research, three brand names kept coming up. The first and most accessible chili for a chili dog was the standard Hormel chili with no beans. Yes, I’ve had it before and it’s fine but it doesn’t have any particular pizzazz and we’re looking for something special.

One of the other brands whose name kept showing up was these folks.

Castleberry’s hot dog sauce. Based out of Augusta Georgia, yes The Masters place. A smoother chili and definitely closer to a sauce.

Yet another name that was always near the top of the list was…

Tony Packo’s hot dog sauce! Based out of Toledo Ohio and pop culture referential due to M*A*S*H character Corporal Klinger touting its awesomeness several times over the show’s run. Got to admit I had high hopes for this one.

Not quite so sexy when dumped out of the can. Tony Packo’s first.

Followed by Castleberry’s.

This is not the sexiest moment for either of these sauces. If you look carefully you’ll notice the second sauce appears to be rather meatless. It is. The second ingredient listed was blended and mashed beans. There is also beef fat but no actual chunks of beef. Curious.

You WILL need some diced onion for a proper chili dog. Took me decades to figure that out but I’ve seen the light. I also like to apply some mustard on the bun followed by the dog, chili, onion and cheese.

Here’s one now,

This is the Tony Packo’s dog. It was fucking dynamite. One of the best chili dogs I’ve ever had. No bullshit.

Preserving both my dignity and my digestive tract, it was a couple of weeks after the Tony Packo’s attempt when I did the Castleberry’s experiment and I was out of hot dog buns. I did have burger buns in the freezer so I figured why the fuck not. 

A dog is better on a burger bun that a burger in a hot dog bun. It’s science. Not sure why but trying to make a burger to fit a hot dog bun justs comes across as kind of ghetto, while putting a hot dog on a burger bun seems thrifty! It’s my brain dammit.

Dress the bun.

One discovery was this.

 Gotta snap the dog in half to fit then it’s one and a half dogs per bun. Score! Set this thing up.

First big downside of the “dog” burger, it doesn’t hold a lot of chili.

The final verdict was the Castleberry’s dog was good. Real good, good spice, nice consistency and a solid product. I think it could have used a little meat in it to be honest. Our clear cut weiner in the taste test was…

Tony Packo’s!

Flavor, consistency, spice level, beefiness, this shit has it all. Title is yours Toledo. Finally you won something.

Yes. I hear you talking to yourself right now.

“Dude, is gonna buy a couple cans of chili and talk about some 50 year old TV show and THAT’S what I’m reading here?”

I promise the next segment is a lot more technical and a lot more worth your time.

That was one of the best damn chili dogs I ever ate though.

I’ve got some real shit and a real goddamn fabulous recipe for you though.

Let’s cook some burgers.

NOT just random hamburger meat either.

But that’s not all. Oh hell no.

We’re making BACON ONION JAM!

Bacon Onion Jam

recipe inspired by IamBaker.com but freely adapted

1/2 pound thick-cut bacon, diced

1 large yellow onion finely chopped

1 large shallot, diced

2 cloves garlic, minced

8-10 slices of pickled jalapenos, minced

1/4 cup light brown sugar

2 ounces maple syrup

1/4 cup apple cider vinegar

1 teaspoon chili powder

Guess we’re gonna start with…

Bacon?

Freeze for a few minutes to allow for easier dicing.

Oddly enough “Bacon Onion Jam” also requires…

Onions!  And a shallot. Chop accordingly.

Dice up your jalapenos.

Start by cooking the bacon bits.

Cook until the fat is rendered and the bacon is crispy.

Remove the bacon and set aside to drain on a paper towel leaving just the lovely, lovely bacon grease.

Cook up the onions, shallots, garlic and jalapenos in the bacon fat.

We are going to caramelize the onions. That first link up there says it should take 15 minutes and I am here to officially wave the golden “Bullshit” flag. This stuff takes an easy 30 minutes. You want to cook this on a very low temperature until the onions are golden brown in color. Please don’t fuck up and burn them at this point.

THAT is lovely. Next we add in the cooked bacon, brown sugar, syrup, chili powder and apple cider vinegar.

Cook for about 10 minutes on very low. We want a jam-like consistency. And yes, you’re going to be salivating like a goddamn maniac at this point from the smell.

A “Jam” like consistency as I was saying.

You could indeed just grab a bite if you don’t mind having your tongue and the roof of your mouth melt down like fucking Chernobyl. This shit is jam and it’s been cooking for about 30 minutes. You would basically self-immolate.

Might be fun on a colder day but I ain’t trying that shit.

Let the jam cool off a bit and let’s get busy with the burgers. I’m gonna show you how to build a burger like a goddamn pro.

Start with your ground meat then season with salt, pepper, paprika, cayenne, onion powder, garlic powder or your choice of any of those ingredients. You don’t need a lot since we’re only fucking around with 1 pound of meat. Let’s go with “Season to your preference.” Gets me off the legal issues that way.

Combine everything and let chill in the fridge for an hour or two.

When you’re ready to get busy, remove the meat from the fridge and allow it to get back to room temperature.

You can form the patties any way you see fit but I like using these fuckers.

This is actually a large scale biscuit cutter but you can easily find burger rings out there in the wild.

Yep, they look professional but more importantly, they allow for even cooking and consistency between each patty. I removed the formed patties to a sheet of parchment paper to prevent stickage.

We’re doing 3 burgers today, very obviously giving each of them a 1/3 lb weight before cooking.

Season with salt and pepper. Yes. Again.

Heat up a skillet and get to cooking.

Weather wasn’t “grill worthy” the day I made these .

At this time you’re probably wondering about a cheese to top these with.

First of all you know GODdamn sure that that bacon jam has some bigass, bold motherfucking flavors.

And it does. So what type of cheese should accompany something with that much flavor?

How about a cheese that will “see” your flavor, raise it and then double the fuck down?

This shit right here.

[Voice over] “The following cheese is intended only for mature audiences. Eater’s discretion is advised.”

This lovely motherfucker is “Saint Augur” and I believe I’ve mentioned it here before. I’ll let the Wikis give you the gory details.

“Saint Agur (pronounced [sɛ̃taɡyʁ]) is a blue cheese brand owned by Savencia Fromage & Dairy Group and made with pasteurised cow’s milk from the village of Beauzac in the Monts du Velay, part of the mountainous Auvergne region of central France. It is made from pasteurised cow’s milk, enriched with cream, and contains 60% butterfat, qualifying it as a double-cream cheese. Aged for 60 days in cellars, the cheese becomes stronger and spicier as it ages.”

Which means it melts and has the same creaminess as a brie but delivers one mighty goddamn wallop of that blue funk that so many of us love.

It is the perfect foil for the intensity and sweetness of the bacon jam. But be aware, if you try this cheese on it’s own it will basically wreck the absolute fuck out of your palate. The blue cheese hit is intense which is why I had it in mind for this exact reason.

The burgers will cook for maybe 3-4 minutes per side for a nice medium/medium rare finish.

Give them a flip.

Lovely crust. Go ahead and add the cheese now to soften up and get melty.

Oh shit, this is going to be fucking insane with flavor.

Let’s build the goddamn beast!

Dress your burger how-ever-the-fuck you want, I’m just showing you my way.

Grab a toasted bun, lay down a layer of mayo and scoop on the bacon jam.

Add the burger.

Get that toasted bun on top and cut in half for showing off purposes.

Grab about 4 cold and frosty barley flavored beverages and just get the fuck after that thing.

Fuck right off. Then, take another fuck and fuck IT right off!.

Sonuvabitch!

It’s fucking perfection.

Say you are invited to attend somebody’s Labor Day grilling event and the host says it’s just going to be burgers and dogs. Make some of that jam, maybe grab a couple of cans of the chili sauce. You bring that and I’m not going to say “Legends are made that way” but the hosts will remember you. Forever.

And sing songs about you for generations.

If you’re into that type of thing.

This week’s fun holidays courtesy of A Bit of Good News: “August 24 is International Bat Night, International Strange Music Day, National Peach Pie Day, National Waffle Day and Iconic American Restaurants Day.”

There’s some good options right there.

I do love a good peach pie.

Enjoy your Sunday everyone.

Next week is the season finale and Labor Day weekend.

After that?

I think you know.

See you next Sunday.