Jesus, last year we made it until October before NFL Graves Registration Service had to start placing bulk bodybag orders. Somehow we have high casualty counts after Week 2.

There were a huge number of significant big-name injuries this week that may signal a left-turn for a couple contenders:

-Brock Purdy, Brandon Aiyuk and George Kittle got company in the Niners infirmary, with Jauan Jennings and Kyle Juszczyk both going down. Unclear how severe those last two are, but it looks like Christian McCaffrey, Ricky Pearsall and Mac Jones (collectively “the Great White Hope”) are gonna have to carry the load.

-Jayden Reed’s collarbone got snapped like a twig. Green Bay may end up having a WR1 by default.

-JJ McCarthy got injured (or possibly shadowbenched) for 2-4 weeks, in the immediate aftermath of 1. the birth of his first child and 2. shitting the bed to the Atlanta Fucking Falcons on Sunday night. Adding fuel to the speculation re: benching were injuries to safety blanket Aaron Jones, center Ryan Kelly and left tackle Justin Skule (himself subbing for the injured Christian Darrisaw). The theory goes that McCarthy isn’t going to improve behind a tissue-paper OL (with the Steelers, Browns and Iggles coming to town) and may damage the “this kid just wins” mythos that underpins the Vikings next 3-5 seasons, whereas 2-4 weeks off lets him 1. return with all of those guys healthy, plus Jordan Addison getting his ass back in the game, 2. lets him work on certain fundamentals, such as “acknowledging the existence of the left side of the field”, and 3. sets him up as a savior if he goes .500 after a demoralizing stretch of Carson Wentzness.

-Joe Burrow got a toe owie that will cost him 3 months.

I use that terminology in jest, because “turf toe” is a cutesy term for an incredibly painful injury in an area not conducive to immobilization or other support measures. If it had an ominous name on the order of “rotator cuff tear” it would probably get the respect it deserves.

One of my buddies declared that this was evidence of the “cursed” nature of the Bengals. No. “Cursed” is bad luck/flukes. This is “Well well well, if it isn’t the foreseeable consequences of my own actions,” because there is a straight line drawn between the shitty team management, the lack of offensive line for years, and Burrow getting killed on a regular basis.

The comparison here is Andrew Luck: a billion-dollar arm behind a ten-cent offensive line. Unfortunately, I don’t think Burrow has the sense to hang it up after the tenth time his entrails become his extrails. After all, he decided to put his planned Batmobile purchase on hold after getting robbed, rather than doing what any sensible person would do: become Batman.

-Jayden Daniels got killed in Green Bay, although they are downplaying the severity as “day-to-day”. We’ve seen this movie before: talented young Washington quarterback whose game is premised on extraordinary mobility gets a knee injury. We know how it ends if he tries to come back too soon. I’ve no love for the Commanders, but for God’s sake, don’t sacrifice another young man to the turf at FedEx Field. Just let Old Man Mariota get his biennial start and move on.

-Sean McVay tore his plantar fascia on Sunday. Maybe Stafford will let him use the Stargate Healing Sarcophagus Airstream.

-Mike McDaniel tore his soul on Sunday. Seriously, the whole press conference is worth it, but here’s the distilled essence:

This is not a man who is about to be fired. This is a man who has already been fired in his own spirit and whose body is just going through the motions until the paperwork is finalized.