With this week, we cross the halfway threshold.  One feels the existential dread, knowing it will too soon be not-FITBAW season.  To the fixtures!

We did get a 1p octobox this week, but it was mostly turds (including Dimebag’s wretched showing in a 27-20 loss in Yinzburgh) out there.

With one, very notable exception..  Forever shall it be called The Down By Contact Sez VAR Game.

With the score 41-27, Flacco was flustered in scramble mode, and threw a bad pickerception.  The Bearisticrats! defender rolled forward, stood up, and rumbled for the dagger touchdown.  But VAR took a look, and decided the intended receiver got the SLIGHTEST of touches before the interceptor went down, take the points off the board.  But there were maybe 4 minutes to play, so who gives a fuck, right?

WRONG.

RedZone showed other things, or my attention just faded (fuck off, I am old).  But WKRP eventually got the ball back, and got the octopus to cut to to 41-35.  Bengals had no timeouts, wrong side of the 2:00 warning.  So, they needed the onsider, and for the first time in recent memory…GOT one.  It didn’t go 10 yards, but on yard 9 it just deflected off a Chi**** foot.  Bengals ball, holy shit.  Before you could blink, first and goal with like 58 seconds left.  Flacco hands off to Border Patrol, time out BEARS.  Put a pin in that, it just might have saved a season.

Next play is TD Bengals, and they take a 42-41 lead.  Shit, it looked quite like Caleb was going to shit himself, but he managed a scramble drill first down (which did require burning their last timeout at 0:23) at the CHI 42.  Now you are thinking they had 2 shots at getting 20-25 yards, with time to spike and kick.  Caleb made a nice deep seam route strike to the TE, and the Bengals…tackled like they are want to do, bouncing off and resulting in the game winning TD.  Bears 47, Bengals 42.  WOW.

Bad teams can make for great FITBAW!  And sometimes, bad teams decide to say FUCK YOU to survivor pools.  Like the Black Panthers, who marched into WI and led almost the entire way.  Wee Bryce did almost nothing, but his last completion JUST got him over 100 yards for the day, and JUST got into FG range.  Earlier in the game, Ryan Fitzgerald missed a 48-yard extra point (thanks to a silly BLEERGH) which is why we were tied at 13 to begin with.  But his 49-yarder at the gun was true, and Charlotte gets the 16-13 road win.

Missed extra points let one know the weather is turning, and Drake London’s career day (and a 10-point Q4 road comeback foiled) by not-Tony Romo missing wide at 24-23, P*ts.  There was time left on the clock, but Penix’s last gasp was well short.  PHRASING.  The other Drake (QB Maye) had ball security oopsie-doodles, but otherwise kept up his MVP-calibre play for the home side. London accounted for 118 of Penix’s 221 passing yards, and all three scores.  And lost (much like Hippo in fantasy, despite putting London back in my lineup at the last minute).  Hippo sucks at LIFE.

Don’t question your sanity, Tennessee really DID briefly lead the Clips in Nashville.  But the visitors had a working margin most of the second half, and stuffed Tony Pollard twice inside the 1.  That would end up representing the final margin, 27-20.  Joe Alt got hurt again, though.  One has to think they are eventually boned by their wounded list.

So many firings this season (especially in JV), yet fat fucking Brian Daboll still waddles freely on the Vertically Enhanced Persons sideline.  An uncompetitive 34-24 home loss to the Tomsulas third stringers should be the end, but won’t be.  Inexplicably, one of the myriad Santa Clara TDs came on a Christian McCaffrey reception, where he “slipped” out of the backfield into the flat and was left COMPLETELY uncovered.  I mean, who would EVER GUESS they;d throw to HIM amirite???

As expected, Donks/500s was completely dominated by each elite defensive unit.  Especially after Surtain’s temporary replacement Trent Green’d CJ Stroud in the first half.  Davis Mills reminded everyone just how bad he is at footed ball, and aside from a few wheel routes (Q2 score to Sutton, Q4 score to indie rock queen PJ Harvey) Denver basically did nothing on offense.  But they held Houston to 5 FGs. and made their 2-pointer…so 15-15 we stayed, as the teams traded 3-and-out after 3-and-out.  I swear, each team punted like 5 times in Q4.  Just waiting for a muff, a fumble, a walk-off Orlovsky, ANYTHING.  But inside the last 45 seconds (after stupidly not running the ball on their prior possession), HOU forgot to leave a spy on Nix, who galloped into FG range with a 30-yard run.  18-15, and the Donks survive yet again.  Certainly no Rembrandt, but they all count the same.  I guess. Really, it ain’t sustainable to live on the edge like this.

DET/MIN was also competitive, but also kind of boring?  I didn’t trust the SKOL D/ST in this one, and as usual I was wrong.  They shut down the Fuck Lion run game, challenged Buster not to make any mistakes (which he mostly did – but it was still not enough).  27-24, and the Vikes clenched it inside of 1:40 with a clutch 3rd and 5 catch by Jalen Nailor.  But seriously – they had to completely hide JJ McCarthy (14/25, 5,7 YPA, a pick and a non-lost fumble), and that is even less sustainable than Denver’s shenanigans.  In summation, the NFC North is a Land of Contrasts. 

Only three in the late window before I bail on SNF yet again this week.

The Rattlesnake Kid Saints were awful.  The Tyler Shough Saints?  Also awful.  Thanks for playing, guys.  I noticed fuckshit else, soUrry.  SoCal’s most rabid sportsball fanbase goes home happy, 34-10.

CAM FUCKING LITTLE!  Nails a 68-yard FG at the first half gun, cutting the Raider margin to 6-3.  That’s an NFL record, good on ya kid!  Seriously, I was squinting HARD to find something interesting in this window of games.  Though really, this game was low-key interesting.  Each team traded long TD drives (twice) in Q4, with Geno hitting Bowers inside of 2 minutes for the 23-20 lead.  Plenty of time to get in range for a relative chip shot (Little good from 48), so to Extra Time we go!  JAX only needed 45 yards (thanks to a great kickoff return by practice squad rando), but still took almost 7 minutes off the clock before Prison Girlfriend went in over the top on 4th and goal.  30-23, Jaguras!  Could Geno answer?  Well, Mostert MATCHED the JAX kickoff return, almost to the yard.  Love it.  Geno found Bowers (monster game) with 16 ticks left, and Old Man Jet Fuel Can’t Melt Steel Beams SMH ain’t taking the point at home.  After timeout machinations, DUUUUUUVVVVVVVAAAAALLLLL bats down the attempt for a delightful 30-29 win.

CBS is really, totally sure that we are all jazzed to watch Chefs at Bills Mafia.  CBS is wrong (get used to saying that, given the “just asking questions” crew they’ve installed in the news division).  Because McDermott was too stupid to punt (missing a FG with 22 seconds to play, gifting KC at least 20 yards and 5 extra seconds, Mahomes ended up with 2 Hail Mary shots from the BUF 40.  But the Bills knocked each down to preserve the 28-21 win.