Sifting Through The Remains: Your Half-Assed Assessment of the Draft: A Monday Night Open Thread Special

First off I need to give a shoutout to the Cards for picking up Jeremiyah Love because there was a persistent rumor that new acting GM Harbaugh was going to pick him to jumpstart the offense. I’m also grateful to the Titans for grabbing Carnell Tate because the notion of the Giants grabbing another difference-maker at WR just wouldn’t go away. There’s all this wanking about RB’s shouldn’t be drafted high but Marvin Harrison Jr. being a potential bust is sitting right there.

The general consensus is that the Fins, Boys, Jets and Browns did well over the weekend. What did they have in common? Lot’s of draft picks. This is what lazy sportswriters do-“Them teams did a ‘quantity over quality’ approach and it sure worked out for them”. Guh.*

*I have even worse takes than that.

So here’s my silly rundown of teams, focused on those that regular commenters masturbate to the most. (not judging. YET)

[grits teeth] The fucking Cowboys. They did very well at the top of the draft because Stephen Jones dimmed the lights in order that Jerrah didn’t see any shiny toys. They were gifted a falling Caleb Downs dropping into their lap but followed that up with highly-regarded Lawrence at edge. That’s not gonna fix the D overnight but at least they acknowledge the problem.

Cincy: Edge first round. Good. Cornerback second round. I’m listening. Two centers, a wr and a tight end with their next 4 choices? What the ever=loving fuck? Iosavas and Gesicki are perfect placeholder players in an offense that has ridiculous talent out wide and at RB. The first five rounds should have been all D and you could grab a UDFA to compete with Gesicki, Jesus Christ. Just a pathetic attempt a roster-building.

Denver: Two tight ends in the same draft? What are we doing? At least Hippo got Wolven guy Joly. An under-sized DT in the first and some special teams guys in the 7th. Oof.

Raiders: Certainly looks like they went BPA because position-wise they’re all over the map. The only talent assessment I trust across this entire organization is Bowlcut Davis pointing at Tonight’s Girlfriend on his tablet.

New York Giants: I’ll pass for now because I’ll whine about them later.

Fins: 13 freakin’ picks. This quality over quantity approach is something that Deanna dreams of. I guess they’ll hit on a few of them. In the non-existent circumstance that they hit on the majority of them they’ll have a salary cap problem (again? still?) re-signing the best talent. Oh, Miami.

Vikes: I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a draft whereby the GM is pandering to/been over-ruled by the Defensive Coordinator. Minny’s first picks in order were DT, LB, DT and Safety. Brian Flores is gonna be a kid in a (segregated) candy store. McConnell is going to figure out the QB spot and the D is going to wreak unholy havoc on the NFC North.

There you are-if you have quibbles or I ignored your team entirely, please roast my sweet buttocks in the comments.